Transcript 8x03: Robot of Sherwood
May. 12th, 2016 11:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jpgrOK, another new one! Same drill: anything wrong, please comment!
INT. TARDIS
The DOCTOR is on the higher level that rings the console room. He is working on an old-fashioned chalkboard. CLARA is sitting in a swivel chair on the floor by the console itself.
DOCTOR:
Take a punt.
CLARA:
(disbelieving) Right.
DOCTOR:
Your choice. Wherever, whenever, anywhere in time and space.
CLARA:
Well... (stands and walks towards the DOCTOR) there is something, someone that I've... always wanted to meet. But I know what you'll say.
DOCTOR:
Try me.
CLARA:
You'll say he's made up, that there is no such thing.
DOCTOR:
Go on.
CLARA:
(excited) It's... It's Robin Hood.
DOCTOR:
Robin Hood.
CLARA:
(joins the DOCTOR) Yeah! I love that story. I've always loved it, ever since I was little.
DOCTOR:
Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw, who robs from the rich and gives to the poor?
CLARA:
Yeah!
DOCTOR:
He's made up. There's no such thing.
CLARA:
Ah, you see!
DOCTOR:
(takes a book from the shelf behind him) Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned story books, Clara.
CLARA:
And what about you?
DOCTOR:
Me? (puts the book back and walks away)
CLARA:
Yeah, you. You stop bad things happening every minute of every day, that sounds pretty heroic to me.
DOCTOR:
(licks something - custard? - off a large spoon) Just passing the time. (hurries past CLARA) Hey, what about Mars?
CLARA:
What?!
DOCTOR:
(swivels a different chalkboard on its stand) The Ice Warrior Hives!
CLARA:
You said it was my choice.
DOCTOR:
Or the Tumescent Arrows of the Half-Light! Those girls can hold their drink!
CLARA:
Doctor...
DOCTOR:
And fracture 15 different levels of reality simultaneously. (goes down the stairs patting his pockets) I think I've got a Polaroid somewhere.
CLARA:
Doctor! (stops halfway down the steps) My choice. Robin Hood. Show me!
DOCTOR:
(resigned) Very well. (walks to the console)
CLARA bounds over excitedly.
DOCTOR:
(enters coordinates) Earth. England. Sherwood Forest. 1190 AD...ish. But you'll only be disappointed. (sets the TARDIS in motion)
EXT. FOREST GLADE, DAY
The TARDIS materializes in the middle of a forest. The air is filled with birdsong and a brook runs nearby.
DOCTOR:
(steps out of the TARDIS) No damsels in distress, no pretty castles, no such thing as Robin Hood!
An arrow is shot into the door next to the DOCTOR. A MAN stands up from behind a fallen tree across the brook. The DOCTOR walks a little closer and the MAN poses with a longbow.
MAN:
You called?
**********************************************************************
Peter Capaldi
Jenna Coleman
DOCTOR WHO
"Robot of Sherwood"
By
Mark Gatiss
PRODUCER
Nikki Wilson
DIRECTOR
Paul Murphy
**********************************************************************
EXT. FOREST GLADE, DAY
The MAN prepares to cross the stream as the DOCTOR works on pulling the arrow from the TARDIS.
MAN:
Very, very nicely done with the box, sir. I saw a Turk perform something very similar at Nottingham Fayre. It's a trick with mirrors, no doubt?
DOCTOR:
A trick?
MAN:
A good jest. (laughs)
DOCTOR:
This is not a trick, this is a TARDIS.
MAN:
Whatever it is, you bony rascal, I'm afraid I must relieve you of it.
DOCTOR:
It's my property, that's what it is!
The MAN steps on to a log that crosses the brook. The top has been cut so it acts as a bridge.
MAN:
Well, don't you know all property is theft to Robin Hood?
DOCTOR:
You're not serious.
ROBIN:
I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that. Robin Hood laughs in the face of all. (laughs)
DOCTOR:
And do people ever punch you in the face when you do that?
ROBIN:
Not as yet.
DOCTOR:
Lucky I'm here then, isn't it?
CLARA steps out of the TARDIS wearing a red medieval gown.
CLARA:
Might be alittle bit much, but...what do you reckon, Doctor?
ROBIN:
By all the saints! Are there any more in there?
CLARA:
(keeps tapping the DOCTOR on the chest) Is that...?
DOCTOR:
No.
CLARA:
Oh, my God! (excited) Oh, my God! It is, isn't it? You found him. You actually found Robin Hood.
DOCTOR:
That is not Robin Hood!
ROBIN:
Well, then who, sir, is about to relieve you of your magic box? (pulls out his sword)
DOCTOR:
(steps onto the bridge) Nobody, sir. Not in this universe or the next.
ROBIN:
Well, then draw your sword and prove your words.
DOCTOR:
I have no sword. (unbuttons jacket and turns around) I don't need a sword. Because I am...the Doctor. (puts a leather glove on his right hand) And this...is my spoon!(pulls a spoon from his inside jacket pocket) En garde!
ROBIN twirls his sword before advancing on the DOCTOR. The two exchange parries before the DOCTOR pushes ROBIN back. ROBIN seems surprised. He comes at the DOCTOR again. As they pass, the DOCTOR hits ROBIN on the head with the spoon.
ROBIN:
Ow!
CLARA:
You're amazing!
DOCTOR:
I've had some experience. Richard the Lionheart! Cyrano de Bergerac! Errol Flynn! He had the most enormous...
CLARA clears her throat.
DOCTOR:
...ego!
CLARA:
Takes one to know one.
The DOCTOR hits ROBIN on the ass with the spoon.
ROBIN:
Oh...you!
ROBIN swipes his sword and cuts a button off the DOCTOR’S jacket. The DOCTOR looks down at his jacket before stretching his arms out on either side, leaving himself open for attack. ROBIN obliges. The DOCTOR blocks his sword and knocks ROBIN into the water.
CLARA:
(comes to stand by the DOCTOR) Doctor!
DOCTOR:
(blows on the spoon and polishes it) Like I said...my box.
CLARA:
(peers into the water looking for ROBIN) Doctor?
The DOCTOR bends over to look. ROBIN comes up on the other side and pushes the DOCTOR into the water. ROBIN and CLARA laugh. The DOCTOR is wet and angry.
EXT. VILLAGE, DAY
Soldiers are going through the village, taking what they want - including a young woman. An older man follows, pleading.
MAN:
In the name of all that's holy, take our money, take our treasure, but spare my ward!
WOMAN:
Do not fuss, all will be well.
MAN:
This is the Sheriff's doing! If he were here now, I'd tear out his black heart!
SHERIFF:
Would you now? (gets down off his horse) Or are you as milk-livered as your name suggests, Master Quayle? (dressed in black finery with chain of office about his neck)
QUAYLE:
Take me! Spare this dear child!
SHERIFF:
Take you?! A lardy lack-wit like you? It's labour we require up at the castle! Labour and gold, not old men and their worthless baubles. This will be a great help, Master Quayle, believe me. (to WOMAN) Newcomer to Sherwood, are we?
WOMAN:
Yes, my Lord.
SHERIFF:
You may also prove useful. Bring her.
The soldiers drag the woman away.
QUAYLE:
Your days are numbered, you cur! (spits on the SHERIFF)
SHERIFF:
(wipes face) You shall live to regret that. Actually, no, you won't. (stabs QUAYLE)
QUAYLE groans.
WOMAN:
No! No!
The SHERIFF wipes his sword and mounts his horse. The soldiers pull the WOMAN along after.
EXT. FOREST, CAVE, DAY
ROBIN has brought the DOCTOR and CLARA to his hideout in the forest. His men are sitting around a fire.
ROBIN:
Let me introduce you to my men. This is Will Scarlet. He is a cheeky rogue with a good sword arm and a slippery tongue.
WILL:
My lady. (bows)
The DOCTOR pulls hair from SCARLET’S head.
WILL:
Argh! What do you want with my hair?
DOCTOR:
(scans the hair with the sonic) Well, it's realistic, I'll give you that.
ROBIN:
And this is Friar Tuck. Aptly named for the amount of grub he tucks into!
TUCK:
You skinny blackguard! (steps forward to shake ROBIN)
The DOCTOR grabs TUCK’S sandal.
TUCK:
What are you doing?
DOCTOR:
This isn't a real sandal!
TUCK:
Yes, it is.
DOCTOR:
(sniffs the shoe) Oh, yes, it is.
TUCK snatches his sandal back.
ROBIN:
This is Alan-a-Dale. He's a master of the lute, whose music brightens up these dark days.
ALAN:
(sings) Stranger you are welcome here / In Sherwood's bonny glade... Ow!
The DOCTOR has stuck a syringe in ALAN’S arm.
DOCTOR:
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Blood analysis. (looks at the vial) Oh! All those diseases! If you were real, you'd be dead in six months.
ALAN:
I am real.
DOCTOR:
Bye. (walks away from the group)
ROBIN:
And this...is John Little. Called Little John. He's my loyal companion in many an adventure.
CLARA walks up to JOHN and a little man pops out from behind the giant of a man and everyone laughs.
WILL:
Works every time!
CLARA:
Oh, I cannot believe this! You...really are Robin Hood and his Merry Men!
ROBIN:
Aye! That is an apt description. What say you, lads?
MEN:
Aye!
DOCTOR:
(walks back) Stop...laughing! Why are you always doing that? Are you all simple or something? (picks up a wood goblet, throws out the contents and approaches ROBIN) I'm going to need a sample.
ROBIN:
Of what?
CLARA:
(clears throat and hurries over) Excuse me. Sorry. (pulls the DOCTOR away) What are you doing?
DOCTOR:
Well, they're not holograms, that much is obvious. Could be a theme park from the future. Or we might be inside a miniscope.
CLARA:
Oh, shut up!
DOCTOR:
A miniscope! Yes, of course! Why not? (walks off)
ROBIN:
(walks to CLARA) Your friend...seems not quite of the real world.
CLARA and ROBIN watch as the DOCTOR examines the camp.
CLARA:
No. No, he's not really, not most of the time.
ROBIN:
Hmm.
CLARA:
"Dark days"?
ROBIN:
My lady?
CLARA:
You said that these were dark days, what did you mean?
WILL:
King Richard is away on crusade, my lady. His tyrant of a brother rules instead.
CLARA:
And the Sheriff? 'Cos there is a sheriff, right?
ALAN:
Aye. It is indeed this jackal of the prince’s who seeks to oppress us forever more.
DOCTOR:
Or six months in your case.
ROBIN:
It is a shame to dwell on murky thoughts... when there is such beauty here.
CLARA:
Why are you so sad?
ROBIN:
Why do you think me sad?
CLARA:
Because the Doctor's right, you laugh too much.
ROBIN:
You know, I do not live this outlaw life by choice. You see before you...Robert...
BOTH:
Earl of Loxley.
ROBIN:
Yes.
CLARA:
Yes. Sorry, do go on.
ROBIN:
I erm... I had my lands and titles stripped from me. I dared to speak out against Prince John. But I lost the thing most dear to me.
CLARA:
What was she called?
ROBIN:
You're so very quick! How does the Doctor stand it?
CLARA:
Marian?
ROBIN:
You know her?
CLARA:
Yes. I have always known her.
ROBIN:
It was Marian who told me that I must stand up and be counted. But...I was afraid. Now this green canopy is my palace and the rough ground my feather bed. Maybe one day I will return home, but until that day...until that day it is beholden on me to be the man Marian wanted, to be a hero for those this tyrant sheriff slaughters.
DOCTOR:
What time is it, Mr Hood?
ROBIN:
(looks to the sun) Somewhat after noon.
DOCTOR:
No, no. Time of year? What season?
ROBIN:
Oh, Dame Autumn has draped her mellow skirts about the forest, Doctor. The time of mists and harvest approaches.
DOCTOR:
Yeah...all very poetic. But it's very green hereabouts, isn't it? Like I said, very sunny.
CLARA:
So?
DOCTOR:
(looks to sky) Have you been to Nottingham?
CLARA:
Climate change?
DOCTOR:
It's 1190.
ROBIN:
You must excuse me. (goes to his men) The Sheriff has issued a proclamation and tomorrow there is to be a contest to find the best archer in the land. And the bounty...it's an arrow made of pure gold.
CLARA:
No! Don't go! It's a trap.
ROBIN:
(laughs) Well, of course it is! But a contest to find the best archer in the land? There is no contest.
All the men laugh.
DOCTOR:
Right, that isn't even funny. (points his finger at them) That was bantering. I am totally against bantering.
CLARA:
How can you be so sure he's not the real thing?
DOCTOR:
Because he can't be.
CLARA:
When did you stop believing in everything?
DOCTOR:
When did you start believing in impossible heroes?
CLARA:
Don't you know? In a way, it's rather sweet.
The DOCTOR takes a bite of an apple before scanning it with the sonic. CLARA walks over to ROBIN and the men.
EXT. NOTTINGHAM CASTLE, YARD, DAY
The archery contest is underway as men fire at standing targets.
HERALD:
In the contest for the golden arrow, after ten rounds, the battle is betwixt our Lord Sheriff... and the stranger known as Tom the Tinker!
ROBIN, as the Tinker, bows elaborately. CLARA, standing next to him, applauds.
SHERIFF:
Perhaps not such a stranger, after all.
The crowd cheers wildly.
HERALD:
Take your places!
The SHERIFF and ROBIN walk to the spot from which they are to fire at the target.
ROBIN:
Shall we make the contest a little more interesting, my Lord? The targets seem a little close. What say you? Another 20 paces?
SHERIFF:
Why not?
The SHERIFF motions with his hand and two soldiers move the target further away. The SHERIFF fires and hits the center of the target.
SHERIFF:
Now, Tinker. Let us see thy true face.
ROBIN shoots his arrow and splits the SHERIFF’S in the target. Everyone cheers and claps.
HERALD:
Ye Gads! He has split the arrow! Truly, he is the finest archer in all England! Come forward, Tinker, and claim your prize.
The HERALD steps down from the dais and presents the arrow to ROBIN. Before he can take it, another arrow is shot, splitting ROBIN’S in the target. It is the DOCTOR.
JOHN:
He's full of surprises, isn't he?
DOCTOR:
(walks forward) I am the Doctor. My skills as a bowman speak for themselves. I claim my reward.
The HERALD kneels, holding up the pillow and arrow. The DOCTOR takes it and examines it.
DOCTOR:
A mere bauble. (throws the arrow away) I want something else.
SHERIFF:
Name it.
DOCTOR:
Enlightenment.
ROBIN shoots again, splitting the DOCTOR’S arrow. With a roll of his eyes, the DOCTOR fires an arrow, ricocheting it off two soldiers in armor and onto the target. ROBIN fires again, this time without looking.
DOCTOR:
This is getting silly. (aims the sonic at the target, blowing it up)
SHERIFF:
(softly) Fascinating. (shouts) Seize him!
Two knights reach for their swords. CLARA tries to use a lance but it is too heavy and the tip falls to the ground.
DOCTOR:
What are you doing? Put that down!
CLARA:
I'm fine! I take Year Seven for after-school taekwondo.
ROBIN takes a stand in front of the DOCTOR and CLARA.
ROBIN:
Don't worry, Doctor! I'll save you!
DOCTOR:
I don't need saving!
ROBIN:
Your honour is safe!
DOCTOR:
I know!
ROBIN:
For I am Robin! (removes hat)
The crowd cheers.
ROBIN:
Robin Hood!
ROBIN fights with one of the knights, cutting its arm off to reveal a robot.
DOCTOR:
(picks up the arm) Robot!
The robot’s helmet divides in half vertically and opens sideways. The face underneath is metallic and humanoid. A slit across the head runs perpendicular to another slit along the nose. It lights up blue.
DOCTOR:
Now we're getting somewhere!
SHERIFF:
Take them!
The robots advance on the DOCTOR, CLARA and ROBIN.
SHERIFF:
Kill the rest! Kill them all!
Rays shoot from the light cross on the robots’ faces as they fire into the crowd.
DOCTOR:
(stands in front of ROBIN) He surrenders!
ROBIN:
What?
DOCTOR:
Hai! (knocks ROBIN’S sword from his hand)
ROBIN:
(to the DOCTOR) You miserable cur! I had them on the run! (to his men) Flee, lads, flee! Live to fight another day!
ROBIN’S men run.
SHERIFF:
To the dungeons with all of them!
The DOCTOR, CLARA and ROBIN are led away by robots.
CLARA:
What are you up to?
DOCTOR:
Quickest way to find out anybody's plans - get yourself captured!
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
The large cavern-like room is filled with prisoners carrying buckets of ore to the large furnaces. An older MAN falls to the floor from exhaustion. A WOMAN, the one taken earlier from the village, rushes over to help.
WOMAN:
Here...let me help you.
MAN:
Thank you...Lady.
One of the robots approaches and stares at them.
WOMAN:
What are you? Gargoyle, what are you?
ROBOT:
Leave it.
WOMAN:
He only needs to rest. We all need to rest.
ROBOT:
Analysis shows that peasant creature is spent.
WOMAN:
No, please.
ROBOT:
Usefulness expired.
MAN:
No. No! No!
The ROBOT fires a beam at the MAN and the WOMAN watches in horror. The MAN is vaporized and all that is left is a pile of smoking clothes.
WOMAN:
Damn you! Damn you and that villain the Sheriff! (cries over the remains of the man)
INT. CASTLE, CELL
The DOCTOR, CLARA and ROBIN are chained to posts in the stone floor. The DOCTOR is in the center.
ROBIN:
Splendid! Enchained!
CLARA:
Yup.
ROBIN:
Trussed up like turkey-cocks! Thanks to your friend.
DOCTOR:
Shut it, Hoodie. I saved your life.
ROBIN:
I had the situation well in hand.
DOCTOR:
Long-haired ninny versus robot killer knights, I know where I'd put my money.
ROBIN:
If you had not betrayed me, I would have been triumphant!
DOCTOR:
You would have been a little puff of smoke and ashes!
ROBIN:
Ha!
DOCTOR:
You'd have been floating around in tiny little laughing bits in people's goblets.
ROBIN:
Balderdash! Ha!
DOCTOR:
Oh, right, here we go, it's laughing time!
ROBIN:
Well, you amuse me, grey old man!
DOCTOR:
Guard! He's laughing again! You can't keep me locked up with a laughing person.
CLARA rolls her eyes.
ROBIN:
Oh, I find that quite funny. Do you know, I feel another laugh coming on. Ha-ha-ha!
DOCTOR:
Guards, I cannot remain in this cell! Execute me now!
ROBIN:
You heard him - execute the old fool!
DOCTOR:
No, hang on, execute him!
ROBIN:
I do not fear death, so execute away!
DOCTOR:
Execute him! I'd like to see if his head keeps laughing when you chop it off!
ROBIN:
Oh, Robin Hood always laughs in the face of death.
DOCTOR:
Yes, rolling around the floor laughing, I'd pay good money to see that! Guard!
ROBIN:
Guard!
DOCTOR:
Guard!
ROBIN:
Guard!
DOCTOR:
Guard!
ROBIN:
Guard!
CLARA:
Oh, you two, SHUT UP!
There is silence as the DOCTOR and ROBIN look at her.
CLARA:
Do either of you understand...in any way at all... that there isn't actually a guard out there?
The DOCTOR and ROBIN look at the door.
DOCTOR:
Oh.
ROBIN:
I did, in fact.
DOCTOR:
No, you didn't.
CLARA:
I said, shut up. The Doctor and Robin Hood locked up in a cellar. Is this seriously the best you can do? You're determined to starve to death in here squabbling.
ROBIN:
Well, I'll tell you one thing. I'd last a lot longer than this desiccated man-crone.
DOCTOR:
(scoffs) Really?
ROBIN:
Really.
DOCTOR:
Well, you know what? (leans towards ROBIN) I think you'll find I have a certain genetic advantage. (yanked back by CLARA) Oh!
CLARA:
It is not a competition about who can die slower.
DOCTOR:
It would definitely be me, though, wouldn't it?
CLARA:
There was supposed to be a plan. Do either of you have a plan?
DOCTOR:
Yeah, of course I have a plan.
ROBIN:
I too have a plan.
CLARA:
OK, Robin, you first.
DOCTOR:
Why him?
CLARA:
Doctor, shut up. Robin, your plan.
ROBIN:
I am... biding my time.
CLARA:
Thank you, Prince of Thieves. Last of the Time Lords?
DOCTOR:
Yes, I have a plan.
CLARA:
Can you explain your plan without using the words ‘sonic screwdriver’? Because you might have forgotten the Sheriff of Nottingham has taken your sonic screwdriver, just saying. It's always the screwdriver.
DOCTOR:
OK, l-l-let's hear Robin's plan first.
CLARA:
Oh, for God's sake!
A guard appears at the door and unlocks it.
ROBIN:
See? There was a guard. There was guard listening the whole time, I knew it. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
The GUARD enters and stands in front of the three.
GUARD:
The Sheriff himself commanded me to listen, to find out which of you is the true ringleader.
DOCTOR:
Ah, so he can do the interrogating. Very wise.
ROBIN:
Excellent. He will get nothing from me!
DOCTOR:
No, no, no, he will get nothing from me, because interrogation, that's where I always turn the tables. You see, that's my plan.
ROBIN:
Just hurry up and take me to him.
DOCTOR:
No, no, chop-chop, come on!
The DOCTOR and ROBIN stop arguing when they see the GUARD has unlocked CLARA’S chains.
CLARA:
(stands) Seriously?
GUARD:
Come on. (takes CLARA from the cell)
DOCTOR:
No.
ROBIN:
What are you doing?
DOCTOR:
Don't be ridiculous!
The door slams.
EXT. FOREST, CAVE, NIGHT
The Merry Men are sitting around the campfire. JOHN is admiring the golden arrow.
JOHN:
'Tis a thing of beauty indeed.
WILL:
(takes the arrow) And will feed a family for a twelvemonth when melted down!
TUCK:
(takes the arrow) Tonight we rest. Tomorrow we must draw up plans to rescue Robin. We shall soon see how those Mechanicals feel about the taste of Nottingham steel! Lord, forgive me.
ALAN:
(takes the arrow) Strange, though, is it not?
JOHN:
What?
ALAN:
All this looting that the Sheriff is doing. And yet 'tis only ever gold that he takes. Pearls, rubies, all the precious jewels of the realm seem no consequence to him. Only gold. (hands the arrow to TUCK, picks up his lute and starts to sing) Poor Robin and the stranger lay / In the dungeon all the live-long day. / The Merry Men might pine away / Upon a Sherwood morning.
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
The slaves continue to work under the watch of the robots. One robot tips a large crucible and the liquid gold pours out into a mold of lines and ridges.
INT. CASTLE, SHERIFF’S CHAMBERS
The SHERIFF sits at one end of a table laden with all kinds of food. CLARA sits at the opposite end. There are candles burning throughout the room and a large fire in the fireplace.
SHERIFF:
Eat, my Lady, eat. (pops food into his mouth with his hands) Let it not be said that the Sheriff of Nottingham is a poor host.
CLARA:
I had a bag of crisps this morning, thanks.
SHERIFF:
Your words are strange, fair one.
CLARA:
Hm, I should think they are.
SHERIFF:
But I like you. You are refreshingly...direct.
CLARA:
You can take the girl out of Blackpool...
SHERIFF:
(picks up a block of something wrapped in plastic) Taken from your friend's strange tunic. (puts it down and picks up the spoon) An intriguing gallimaufry. Including...this wand. (holds up the sonic) Evidently a thing of awesome power. Tell me... (leans forward) are you from beyond the stars?
CLARA:
You're the one with the robot army, you tell me.
The SHERIFF sits back in his chair.
INT, CASTLE, CELL
The DOCTOR and ROBIN are still chained up.
DOCTOR:
I'm sorry?
ROBIN:
No. Beat your breast, moan, groan as though 20 devils possessed your guts.
DOCTOR:
What for?
ROBIN:
So as to attract the attention of that guard.
DOCTOR:
It's your plan - you moan.
ROBIN:
No, no, no, it won't work.
DOCTOR:
Why?
ROBIN:
Oh, because you're clearly more advanced in years and you have a sickly aspect to you.
DOCTOR:
I have a what?
ROBIN:
You're as pale as milk. It's the way with Scots, they're strangers to vegetables.
DOCTOR:
I'm not moaning. You moan!
ROBIN:
Fine. If you want something doing... (moans loudly) Can I rely upon you to do the rest?
DOCTOR:
Yes, yes, I know the drill.
GUARD:
(through the window) What is this din?
DOCTOR:
(to GUARD) No business of yours, cur! (to ROBIN) Speak up! I can't hear you.
ROBIN continues to moan.
GUARD:
What ails him?
DOCTOR:
None of your business.
GUARD:
(enters the cell) I said, what ails him?
DOCTOR:
Well, if you must know, he's having a nervous breakdown.
GUARD:
A what?
DOCTOR:
He's like this whenever he's in any kind of danger. He just can't seem to cope, he gets so afraid. He goes into a kind of fit. I honestly believe that he may die of sheer fright, like some tiny, shivering little mouse.
ROBIN glares at the DOCTOR as he speaks. He groans.
DOCTOR:
Oh, God, I think he's soiled himself.
GUARD:
Let him die. It will save us the trouble of executing him. (starts to leave)
DOCTOR:
And what will happen to the reward?
GUARD:
(stops) Reward?
DOCTOR:
Oh, God, I shouldn't have said that!
GUARD:
(stands in front of the DOCTOR) Tell me!
DOCTOR:
He carries a vital message. The Prince has promised a bounty!
GUARD:
(bends over) A big one?
DOCTOR:
An enormous one!
GUARD:
(goes over to ROBIN who mumbles) What's that? Say again?
ROBIN:
Your breath stinks like a serpent, has anyone ever told you that?
ROBIN head-butts the GUARD who falls unconscious to the floor.
ROBIN:
Soiled myself?
DOCTOR:
Did you? That's getting into character! OK, keys! (reaches with his foot for the keys)
ROBIN:
(does the same) I'll get them.
DOCTOR:
No, I'll get them.
ROBIN:
I'll get them... I'll get them.
DOCTOR:
I'm fine, no, no worries! I've got them!
ROBIN:
I've got them! I'll get...
In the scuffle, the keys are pushed through a grate and they drop into water.
DOCTOR:
Well, there is a bright side.
ROBIN:
Which is?
DOCTOR:
Clara didn't see that.
ROBIN sighs.
INT. CASTLE, SHERIFF’S CHAMBERS
The SHERIFF stands and slowly walks towards CLARA.
SHERIFF:
But enough of tawdry matters. (brandishes a dagger) Let us talk of softer...sweeter things. (pierces a grape with the tip of the dagger and eats it)
CLARA:
Ah! Good, yes, I was hoping we'd get round to that.
SHERIFF:
(sits on the edge of the table) You were?
CLARA:
Mmm. (sips wine) For I have known I was destined to draw the eye of a great and powerful man for a long time, ever since I saw those mysterious lights in the sky.
SHERIFF:
(sheathes dagger) You saw them too?
CLARA:
And those strange mechanical men, with their promises.
SHERIFF:
I, too, have experienced this.
CLARA:
Really? Well, I would never have guessed. Tell me your story.
SHERIFF:
Tell me yours.
CLARA:
Oh, no, no, no, no. But you have to go first. (rests her hand on the SHERIFF’S as he holds a goblet)
SHERIFF:
Why so?
CLARA:
Because great men always precede.
SHERIFF:
You have a point.
CLARA:
Your story, then.
SHERIFF:
(stands) Once upon a time, (sits on the arm of CLARA’S chair) there was a brave and clever and handsome man...
CLARA:
I can almost picture him. I don't even have to close my eyes.
SHERIFF:
(slams the goblet onto the table and strides to the fireplace) …unappreciated by his royal master.
CLARA:
(follows) Prince John?
SHERIFF:
The very same.
CLARA:
Then came the lights in the sky, and everything changed.
SHERIFF:
(circles CLARA) The skyship came to Earth in a fury of fire!
CLARA:
I'd almost call it a crash. I remember it well.
SHERIFF:
A craft from the heavenly spheres, bedight with twinkling lights and miracles beyond imagining! The most beautiful thing the brave and handsome man had ever seen. (stops and stands close behind CLARA)
CLARA:
(turns and faces the SHERIFF) And I suppose the mechanical men saw you as their natural leader?
SHERIFF:
It was I and I alone to whom the mechanical men then imparted their secrets. Shortly, I shall be the most powerful man in the realm. King in all but name, for Nottingham is not enough.
CLARA:
(worried) It isn't?
SHERIFF:
After this... Derby!
CLARA:
Right.
SHERIFF:
Then...Lincoln. And after Lincoln...
CLARA:
Worksop?
SHERIFF:
(stabs the table with the dagger) The world!
INT. CASTLE, PASSAGEWAY
The DOCTOR and ROBIN exit the cell carrying the wooden post they are still chained to.
ROBIN:
Now what?
DOCTOR:
First, a blacksmith's forge.
ROBIN:
So as to remove our chains?
DOCTOR:
(walks up steps) No. So I can knock up an ornamental plant stand. Of course it's so we can get rid of our chains! I don't want to be manacled to you all night.
ROBIN laughs.
DOCTOR:
Oh, no, please, don't do that!
ROBIN:
(laughs) "Ornamental plant stand."
DOCTOR:
It's not even that funny!
ROBIN:
You're an amusing fellow, Doctor!
DOCTOR:
Oh, don't! Can you just stop? You'll give yourself a hernia!
INT. CASTLE, SHERIFF’S CHAMBERS
The SHERIFF broods as he leans on the table. CLARA tries to cajole him to learn more about his plan.
CLARA:
So what are you hanging around here for, then, Your Majesty? Why are you bothering to squeeze the pips out of the peasants if you've got a skyship on stand-by?
SHERIFF:
Enough questions. I'm impatient to hear your story.
CLARA:
Oh, but I do not have one. I was lying.
SHERIFF:
Lying?
CLARA:
Yeah. People are so much better at sharing information if they think the other person has already got it.
SHERIFF:
Oh, that's very clever.
CLARA:
Thank you.
SHERIFF:
(leans in close) You'll do very well.
CLARA:
For what?
SHERIFF:
Doesn't every king... require a consort?
The SHERIFF keeps leaning forward forcing CLARA to lean back. She ducks out of his way.
CLARA:
(points at him) Right, you do that again and you'll regret that!
INT. CASTLE, PASSAGEWAY
The DOCTOR and ROBIN, now free of their chains, climb a stairway. The DOCTOR spots a metal door with a round window, a bright glow emanating from within. With a look at ROBIN, they walk towards the door.
INT. CASTLE, SPACESHIP
The DOCTOR opens the door and finds himself in a futuristic metal room. At the far end is a large glowing sphere with two consoles facing it.
DOCTOR:
(walks inside) At last - something real, no more fairy tales.
ROBIN:
(stunned) What is this place?
DOCTOR:
A spaceship. More 29th century than 12th! Data banks, data banks, data banks! Where was this ship headed?
ROBIN walks slowly into the room as the DOCTOR reads the monitor. "Destination: The Promised Land" appears onscreen.
DOCTOR:
The Promised Land again. Like the Half-Faced Man, but more sophisticated. It disguised itself as a 12th-century castle, emerges into the culture, tries to keep a low profile, so no-one notices. That explains the robot knights. (walks to the sphere) But the engines... The engines are damaged. They're leaking radiation into the local atmosphere, creating a temporary climate of staggering benevolence.
ROBIN:
Beg pardon?
DOCTOR:
Told you. It's too sunny. It's too green. And there is even an evil sheriff to oppress the locals. This explains everything, even you.
ROBIN:
It does?
DOCTOR:
(walks back to ROBIN) Well, what does every oppressed peasant workforce need? The illusion of hope. Some silly story to get them through the day, lull them into docility and keep them working. Ship's data banks. Full of every myth and legend you could hope for, including... Robin Hood. (the screen flashes illustrations of Robin Hood as well as actors playing the part) Isn't it time you came clean with me?
ROBIN looks at the screen, not knowing what to make of it.
DOCTOR:
You're not real and you know it! Look at you, perfect eyes, perfect teeth. Nobody has a jawline like that! You're as much a part of what is happening here as the Sheriff and his metal knights! You're a robot!
ROBIN:
You dare to accuse me of collusion with that villain, the Sheriff?
DOCTOR:
I dare!
ROBIN:
You false-tongued knave! (pokes the DOCTOR in the chest) I should have skewered you when I had the chance!
DOCTOR:
I would like to see you try!
Lasers are fired from outside and the door explodes inwards, landing on the floor.
DOCTOR:
(walks towards the doorway) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Two robots enter the room first followed by the SHERIFF holding CLARA by the arm.
SHERIFF:
Surrender, outlaw!
DOCTOR:
Very good.
SHERIFF:
Kill him. Kill Robin Hood!
The robots advance.
DOCTOR:
You can drop all that stuff now, Sheriff.
CLARA:
Doctor?
DOCTOR:
He is not what you think he is. This is all play-acting.
ROBIN tries to get away from the robots.
CLARA:
We can't just let them kill him! (goes to help ROBIN)
DOCTOR:
You're not fooling anyone, Sheriff.
One of the robots fires at ROBIN, hitting the wall behind him, the concussion knocking him to the floor. CLARA places herself between ROBIN and the robot as he backs up to the blast hole. ROBIN grabs CLARA and holds her tightly in front of him.
CLARA:
What the hell are you doing?
ROBIN:
Surviving. (jumps backwards out the hole taking CLARA with him)
CLARA:
No!
The DOCTOR and the SHERIFF rush over.
DOCTOR:
No! Clara!
They stare down at the moat where the water ripples from the splash. There is no sign of ROBIN or CLARA.
SHERIFF:
Yeah, sorry about the girl, such a pretty thing. What a queen she would've made. (walks away)
The DOCTOR keeps looking and sees ROBIN on the opposite shore carrying an unconscious CLARA.
DOCTOR:
(steps back into the room) Stop pretending. You and your fancy robots. I get it, I understand.
SHERIFF:
Oh, so you too know my plans?
DOCTOR:
You and your robots plundering the surrounding countryside for all it's worth. Gold. Gold! (snaps fingers) Of course! Gold! (walks to the sphere) You are creating a matrix of gold to repair the engine circuitry!
SHERIFF:
This is the scheme the Mechanicals have devised. Soon this skyship will depart. Destination... London. There I will obliterate the King and take my rightful place as ruler of this sceptered isle!
DOCTOR:
It won't work. There's not a chance. I've seen the instruments. There's been too much damage. You are stoking up a gigantic bomb!
The SHERIFF puts a finger to his lips and points. The DOCTOR turns around and a robot knocks him out.
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
The DOCTOR wakes in the cavern chained to the wall. Two robots walk past carrying a giant golden circuit.
ROBOT:
Engine capacity at 48%. Engine capacity at 48%.
DOCTOR:
(pushes himself into a sitting position) It's not enough. That's not enough. It'll never make orbit. That's the engines...building in power. Stupid, stupid Sheriff! (pulls on the chains) Agh! Go on, give! Give, you stupid...things! (sees the WOMAN staring at him) What are you looking at?
EXT. FOREST, CAVE, NIGHT
CLARA comes to by the fire, ROBIN watching over her.
CLARA:
Hi.
ROBIN:
The time for games is over.
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
The WOMAN is sitting next to the DOCTOR working on the locks.
WOMAN:
I think I understand you. The Sheriff's using the gold to replace something?
DOCTOR:
That's the principle. But he's a moron. If he tries to fly his ship, it'll explode and wipe out half the country. What we need... is a little riot. Time to reflect on lasers and gold. Spread the word. (frees his hands)
EXT. FOREST, CAVE, NIGHT
The Merry Man now stand behind ROBIN.
ROBIN:
You will tell me everything this Doctor knows about Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
CLARA:
(sits up) What is this? Why are you interrogating me?
ROBIN:
(stands and points at her) And then, you will tell me exactly who this Doctor is and what are his plans.
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
A ROBOT approaches the DOCTOR and the WOMAN.
ROBOT:
You are fit for labour. Stand aside while this peasant unit is freed.
DOCTOR:
I'm afraid you're a little late.
ROBOT:
Explain.
DOCTOR:
I'm already free! (grabs a gold tray that reflects the laser back on the robot)
The WOMAN does the same thing and the head falls off the ROBOT and it collapses to the ground. The DOCTOR and the WOMAN get up and run for the doorway only to be met by more robots. All the peasants in the room hold up gold trays.
INT. CASTLE, SHERIFF’S CHAMBERS
The SHERIFF has a large map of England spread on the table and is marking the counties he wants.
SHERIFF:
Mine! Mine. Mine.
ROBOT:
Engine capacity at 75%.
An alarm beeps and the SHERIFF opens a screen on the table to reveal the chaos in the smelting room.
SHERIFF:
'Sblood! Who will rid me of this turbulent Doctor?!
In his anger, the SHERIFF punches a robot, hurting his hand. He shakes it and speaks through clenches teeth.
SHERIFF:
Come.
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
The peasants are fighting back against the robots, deflecting the laser blasts with the trays. Soon, there is only one left.
DOCTOR:
Everyone, the last one!
They encircle the robot and it fires. The blast ricochets off the many trays and eventually hits the robot. It explodes and they all cheer, hugging one another.
DOCTOR:
Out, out! Everyone, quickly, get out! Quickly!
The peasants hurry out but the WOMAN stops.
WOMAN:
You've saved us all, clever one. Thank you. (kisses the DOCTOR on the cheek and runs off)
The DOCTOR puts his hand to his cheek, surprised and stunned. He then hears the computer.
ROBOT:
Engine capacity at 82%.
The SHERIFF arrives with two robots.
SHERIFF:
You are indeed an ingenious fellow, Doctor. But do you really think your peasants' revolt can stop me?
DOCTOR:
I rather think you're the revolting one around here. Banter! I'm bantering! Listen to me! You don't have enough gold content to seal the engine breach. If you try and take off, you'll wipe out half of England.
SHERIFF:
(picks up the head of a robot) Liar! From my sky vessel, I shall rule omnipotent.
DOCTOR:
You pudding-headed primitive, shut down the engines. What you're doing will alter the course of history.
SHERIFF:
I sincerely hope so. Or I wouldn't be bothering. (tosses the head onto the fire)
The robots advance on the DOCTOR.
DOCTOR:
Listen to me! It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, return Clara to me and I'll do what I can.
SHERIFF:
(pokes the head with his sword) I don't have Clara.
DOCTOR:
Robin's one of yours!
SHERIFF:
(turns around) What did you say?
DOCTOR:
He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here.
SHERIFF:
Robin Hood is not one of mine.
DOCTOR:
Of course he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates.
SHERIFF:
Why would they do that?
DOCTOR:
To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses.
SHERIFF:
Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea.
DOCTOR:
Yes! Yes, it would! (realizes what he said) Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea. Why would you do that? But he can't be... He's not real. He's a legend!
ROBIN appears in the minstrels’ gallery.
ROBIN:
Too kind! And this legend does not come alone!
CLARA:
(appears from behind ROBIN) Hiya!
ROBIN and CLARA climb over the railing. ROBIN puts his dagger into a hanging banner and uses the tearing motion to take him slowly to the floor. CLARA has her arms around his neck.
ROBIN:
You all right?
CLARA:
Hell, yeah.
ROBIN:
Good!
ROBIN takes his dagger from the banner and throws it at the SHERIFF. The SHERIFF dodges the blade. ROBIN, uses the distraction to unsheathe his sword.
ROBIN:
My men have taken the castle.
SHERIFF:
No!
ROBIN:
Now I'm going to take you.
SHERIFF:
This one's all mine! (shuts down the robots) What do you say, outlaw? A final reckoning?
ROBIN:
Oh, yes. (faces the SHERIFF)
CLARA hurries over to the DOCTOR.
DOCTOR:
Are you OK?
CLARA:
Fine, yeah.
DOCTOR:
Good. We don't have long.
The ground rumbles. ROBIN and the SHERIFF continue their fight.
SHERIFF:
I shall avenge every slight, outlaw!
CLARA:
Doctor...
DOCTOR:
I know. The whole castle's about to blow.
SHERIFF:
You have long been a thorn in my side.
ROBIN:
Well, everyone should have a hobby. Mine's annoying you.
SHERIFF:
I'll have you boiled in oil at the castle by sunset.
ROBIN:
Can we make it a little earlier? Cos that's a little past my bedtime!
ROBIN cuts a rope and rides it up to a beam that crosses above the crucible.
SHERIFF:
I'm too much for you, outlaw! The first of a new breed. Half man, half engine! (cuts another rope and ascends to the beam and continues the fight) Never ageing... Never tiring...
ROBIN:
Are you still talking?
The SHERIFF cuts ROBIN’S arm and his sword falls to the floor below. ROBIN looks down in dismay before resigning himself to his fate. He holds his arms wide out.
SHERIFF:
Bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves!
The SHERIFF comes at ROBIN who uses the same trick the DOCTOR did earlier at the stream. The SHERIFF falls into the crucible of molten gold. ROBIN slides down the rope and walks over to the DOCTOR and CLARA, hand on his arm.
ROBIN:
Sorry. Was that, er, was that showing off?
CLARA:
That was amazing!
The ground rumbles and a section of the ceiling falls down.
DOCTOR:
Run! Come on, run!
As the DOCTOR, CLARA and ROBIN run from the chamber, we see the SHERIFF’S golden hands forever reaching to get out.
EXT. FOREST, DAY
The DOCTOR, CLARA, ROBIN, the Merry Men and the peasants retreat to the opposite side of the lake from where they see the castle fall. From one of the towers rises the spaceship.
DOCTOR:
It's never going to make it. Not enough gold. It'll never make it into orbit. (to ROBIN) Where is it? Where did it go?
CLARA:
Where did what go?
DOCTOR:
The golden arrow!
ROBIN:
Tuck!
TUCK comes over and gives the arrow to the DOCTOR.
DOCTOR:
You took it?
TUCK:
Of course we did. We're robbers.
DOCTOR:
I love you boys! (takes a bow)
CLARA:
Doctor, what are you suggesting?
DOCTOR:
Golden arrow. It might just be enough gold content to get the ship into orbit and out of harm's way. (holds the bow and arrow out to ROBIN)
ROBIN:
It has to be you. My arm is injured.
The DOCTOR aims the arrow at the ship but fumbles with it and is very clumsy.
CLARA:
You're good at this! I saw you! You won the tournament!
DOCTOR:
I cheated. I made a special arrow with a homing device.
CLARA:
Oh, brilliant! Right, let me have a go. (takes the bow and arrow)
DOCTOR:
You? You do taekwondo! That's not the same thing as this!
ROBIN:
My friends. Surely we can manage it together?
INT. SHIP
Two robots are standing in front of the instrument panels.
ROBOT:
Engine capacity at 83%.
ROBOT 2:
Insufficient power to achieve escape velocity.
EXT. FOREST, DAY
ROBIN is lying on his back, the bow resting on his feet as he holds the arrow and bowstring. The DOCTOR and CLARA each support a side of the bow. ROBIN releases the arrow and hit pierces the hull of the ship.
INT. SHIP
ROBOT:
Maximum power surge.
EXT. FOREST, DAY
Everyone smiles because the arrow has reached its target.
SPACE
The ship is above the planet
ROBOT 2: (off screen)
Engines critical. Engines critical. Engines crit...
The ship explodes.
EXT. FOREST, DAY
They all see the blast in the sky and cheer.
ALAN:
(sings) One awful day in Nottingham Brave Robin Hood was in a jam The arrow flew it true...
WILL:
(takes ALAN’S lute) Give it a rest, Alan.
ALAN:
Give me my lute! (chases after WILL as the others laugh)
CLARA looks at the DOCTOR, who is still serious.
CLARA:
Still not keen on the laughing thing?
DOCTOR:
No, no, no, no.
CLARA and ROBIN laugh.
EXT. FOREST GLADE, DAY
CLARA is getting a personal archery lesson from ROBIN. She squeals and hugs him when her arrow hits the target.
CLARA:
Woo-hoo!
ROBIN laughs at her enthusiasm.
CLARA:
I'm going to miss you. You're very naughty.
ROBIN:
I know.
CLARA and ROBIN walk over to the TARDIS.
ROBIN:
Whoever he is... he is a very lucky man.
CLARA:
Marian is very lucky, too.
ROBIN:
I fear not.
CLARA:
Don't give up. Not ever, not for one single day. (kisses him on the cheek) Be safe, if you can be. But always be amazing.
ROBIN:
Hmm!
CLARA:
(chuckles) Goodbye, Robin Hood.
ROBIN:
Goodbye, Clara Oswald.
CLARA walks to the TARDIS door, pauses and gives ROBIN a wink. ROBIN laughs as she steps inside. The DOCTOR walks to the TARDIS.
ROBIN:
So, is it true, Doctor?
DOCTOR:
Is what true?
ROBIN:
That in the future I am forgotten as a real man? I am but a legend?
DOCTOR:
I'm afraid it is.
ROBIN:
Good. History is a burden. Stories can make us fly.
DOCTOR:
I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid.
ROBIN:
Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear...
DOCTOR:
No--
ROBIN:
...until one night, he is moved to steal a TARDIS? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight. Clara told me your stories.
DOCTOR:
She should not have told you any of that.
ROBIN:
Well... Well, once the story started, she could hardly stop herself. You are her hero, I think.
DOCTOR:
I'm not a hero. (walks to the TARDIS)
ROBIN:
Well, neither am I. But if we both keep pretending to be... Ha-ha! ..perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will both be stories. And may those stories never end. (shakes the DOCTOR’S hand) Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey.
DOCTOR:
Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley.
ROBIN:
And remember, Doctor... I'm just as real as you are.
The DOCTOR enters the TARDIS.
INT. TARDIS
CLARA is standing by the console as the DOCTOR enters.
CLARA:
Admit it. You like him.
DOCTOR:
Well, I'm leaving him a present, aren't I? (dematerializes the TARDIS)
EXT. FOREST GLADE, DAY
As we hear the TARDIS dematerialize, ROBIN pulls a locket out from under his tunic and opens it to reveal a miniature of a dark-haired woman: Marian. ROBIN looks up and sees the WOMAN from the castle after the TARDIS is gone.
WOMAN:
Robin? I've found you at last.
ROBIN:
(stunned) Marian?
They run towards each other and kiss. The Merry Men cheer. ROBIN runs to the top of the knoll and shouts to the sky.
ROBIN:
Thank you! Thank you, Doctor! (shoots an arrow into the sky and laughs)
INT. TARDIS
The DOCTOR is on the higher level that rings the console room. He is working on an old-fashioned chalkboard. CLARA is sitting in a swivel chair on the floor by the console itself.
DOCTOR:
Take a punt.
CLARA:
(disbelieving) Right.
DOCTOR:
Your choice. Wherever, whenever, anywhere in time and space.
CLARA:
Well... (stands and walks towards the DOCTOR) there is something, someone that I've... always wanted to meet. But I know what you'll say.
DOCTOR:
Try me.
CLARA:
You'll say he's made up, that there is no such thing.
DOCTOR:
Go on.
CLARA:
(excited) It's... It's Robin Hood.
DOCTOR:
Robin Hood.
CLARA:
(joins the DOCTOR) Yeah! I love that story. I've always loved it, ever since I was little.
DOCTOR:
Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw, who robs from the rich and gives to the poor?
CLARA:
Yeah!
DOCTOR:
He's made up. There's no such thing.
CLARA:
Ah, you see!
DOCTOR:
(takes a book from the shelf behind him) Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned story books, Clara.
CLARA:
And what about you?
DOCTOR:
Me? (puts the book back and walks away)
CLARA:
Yeah, you. You stop bad things happening every minute of every day, that sounds pretty heroic to me.
DOCTOR:
(licks something - custard? - off a large spoon) Just passing the time. (hurries past CLARA) Hey, what about Mars?
CLARA:
What?!
DOCTOR:
(swivels a different chalkboard on its stand) The Ice Warrior Hives!
CLARA:
You said it was my choice.
DOCTOR:
Or the Tumescent Arrows of the Half-Light! Those girls can hold their drink!
CLARA:
Doctor...
DOCTOR:
And fracture 15 different levels of reality simultaneously. (goes down the stairs patting his pockets) I think I've got a Polaroid somewhere.
CLARA:
Doctor! (stops halfway down the steps) My choice. Robin Hood. Show me!
DOCTOR:
(resigned) Very well. (walks to the console)
CLARA bounds over excitedly.
DOCTOR:
(enters coordinates) Earth. England. Sherwood Forest. 1190 AD...ish. But you'll only be disappointed. (sets the TARDIS in motion)
EXT. FOREST GLADE, DAY
The TARDIS materializes in the middle of a forest. The air is filled with birdsong and a brook runs nearby.
DOCTOR:
(steps out of the TARDIS) No damsels in distress, no pretty castles, no such thing as Robin Hood!
An arrow is shot into the door next to the DOCTOR. A MAN stands up from behind a fallen tree across the brook. The DOCTOR walks a little closer and the MAN poses with a longbow.
MAN:
You called?
Peter Capaldi
Jenna Coleman
DOCTOR WHO
"Robot of Sherwood"
By
Mark Gatiss
PRODUCER
Nikki Wilson
DIRECTOR
Paul Murphy
**********************************************************************
EXT. FOREST GLADE, DAY
The MAN prepares to cross the stream as the DOCTOR works on pulling the arrow from the TARDIS.
MAN:
Very, very nicely done with the box, sir. I saw a Turk perform something very similar at Nottingham Fayre. It's a trick with mirrors, no doubt?
DOCTOR:
A trick?
MAN:
A good jest. (laughs)
DOCTOR:
This is not a trick, this is a TARDIS.
MAN:
Whatever it is, you bony rascal, I'm afraid I must relieve you of it.
DOCTOR:
It's my property, that's what it is!
The MAN steps on to a log that crosses the brook. The top has been cut so it acts as a bridge.
MAN:
Well, don't you know all property is theft to Robin Hood?
DOCTOR:
You're not serious.
ROBIN:
I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that. Robin Hood laughs in the face of all. (laughs)
DOCTOR:
And do people ever punch you in the face when you do that?
ROBIN:
Not as yet.
DOCTOR:
Lucky I'm here then, isn't it?
CLARA steps out of the TARDIS wearing a red medieval gown.
CLARA:
Might be alittle bit much, but...what do you reckon, Doctor?
ROBIN:
By all the saints! Are there any more in there?
CLARA:
(keeps tapping the DOCTOR on the chest) Is that...?
DOCTOR:
No.
CLARA:
Oh, my God! (excited) Oh, my God! It is, isn't it? You found him. You actually found Robin Hood.
DOCTOR:
That is not Robin Hood!
ROBIN:
Well, then who, sir, is about to relieve you of your magic box? (pulls out his sword)
DOCTOR:
(steps onto the bridge) Nobody, sir. Not in this universe or the next.
ROBIN:
Well, then draw your sword and prove your words.
DOCTOR:
I have no sword. (unbuttons jacket and turns around) I don't need a sword. Because I am...the Doctor. (puts a leather glove on his right hand) And this...is my spoon!(pulls a spoon from his inside jacket pocket) En garde!
ROBIN twirls his sword before advancing on the DOCTOR. The two exchange parries before the DOCTOR pushes ROBIN back. ROBIN seems surprised. He comes at the DOCTOR again. As they pass, the DOCTOR hits ROBIN on the head with the spoon.
ROBIN:
Ow!
CLARA:
You're amazing!
DOCTOR:
I've had some experience. Richard the Lionheart! Cyrano de Bergerac! Errol Flynn! He had the most enormous...
CLARA clears her throat.
DOCTOR:
...ego!
CLARA:
Takes one to know one.
The DOCTOR hits ROBIN on the ass with the spoon.
ROBIN:
Oh...you!
ROBIN swipes his sword and cuts a button off the DOCTOR’S jacket. The DOCTOR looks down at his jacket before stretching his arms out on either side, leaving himself open for attack. ROBIN obliges. The DOCTOR blocks his sword and knocks ROBIN into the water.
CLARA:
(comes to stand by the DOCTOR) Doctor!
DOCTOR:
(blows on the spoon and polishes it) Like I said...my box.
CLARA:
(peers into the water looking for ROBIN) Doctor?
The DOCTOR bends over to look. ROBIN comes up on the other side and pushes the DOCTOR into the water. ROBIN and CLARA laugh. The DOCTOR is wet and angry.
EXT. VILLAGE, DAY
Soldiers are going through the village, taking what they want - including a young woman. An older man follows, pleading.
MAN:
In the name of all that's holy, take our money, take our treasure, but spare my ward!
WOMAN:
Do not fuss, all will be well.
MAN:
This is the Sheriff's doing! If he were here now, I'd tear out his black heart!
SHERIFF:
Would you now? (gets down off his horse) Or are you as milk-livered as your name suggests, Master Quayle? (dressed in black finery with chain of office about his neck)
QUAYLE:
Take me! Spare this dear child!
SHERIFF:
Take you?! A lardy lack-wit like you? It's labour we require up at the castle! Labour and gold, not old men and their worthless baubles. This will be a great help, Master Quayle, believe me. (to WOMAN) Newcomer to Sherwood, are we?
WOMAN:
Yes, my Lord.
SHERIFF:
You may also prove useful. Bring her.
The soldiers drag the woman away.
QUAYLE:
Your days are numbered, you cur! (spits on the SHERIFF)
SHERIFF:
(wipes face) You shall live to regret that. Actually, no, you won't. (stabs QUAYLE)
QUAYLE groans.
WOMAN:
No! No!
The SHERIFF wipes his sword and mounts his horse. The soldiers pull the WOMAN along after.
EXT. FOREST, CAVE, DAY
ROBIN has brought the DOCTOR and CLARA to his hideout in the forest. His men are sitting around a fire.
ROBIN:
Let me introduce you to my men. This is Will Scarlet. He is a cheeky rogue with a good sword arm and a slippery tongue.
WILL:
My lady. (bows)
The DOCTOR pulls hair from SCARLET’S head.
WILL:
Argh! What do you want with my hair?
DOCTOR:
(scans the hair with the sonic) Well, it's realistic, I'll give you that.
ROBIN:
And this is Friar Tuck. Aptly named for the amount of grub he tucks into!
TUCK:
You skinny blackguard! (steps forward to shake ROBIN)
The DOCTOR grabs TUCK’S sandal.
TUCK:
What are you doing?
DOCTOR:
This isn't a real sandal!
TUCK:
Yes, it is.
DOCTOR:
(sniffs the shoe) Oh, yes, it is.
TUCK snatches his sandal back.
ROBIN:
This is Alan-a-Dale. He's a master of the lute, whose music brightens up these dark days.
ALAN:
(sings) Stranger you are welcome here / In Sherwood's bonny glade... Ow!
The DOCTOR has stuck a syringe in ALAN’S arm.
DOCTOR:
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Blood analysis. (looks at the vial) Oh! All those diseases! If you were real, you'd be dead in six months.
ALAN:
I am real.
DOCTOR:
Bye. (walks away from the group)
ROBIN:
And this...is John Little. Called Little John. He's my loyal companion in many an adventure.
CLARA walks up to JOHN and a little man pops out from behind the giant of a man and everyone laughs.
WILL:
Works every time!
CLARA:
Oh, I cannot believe this! You...really are Robin Hood and his Merry Men!
ROBIN:
Aye! That is an apt description. What say you, lads?
MEN:
Aye!
DOCTOR:
(walks back) Stop...laughing! Why are you always doing that? Are you all simple or something? (picks up a wood goblet, throws out the contents and approaches ROBIN) I'm going to need a sample.
ROBIN:
Of what?
CLARA:
(clears throat and hurries over) Excuse me. Sorry. (pulls the DOCTOR away) What are you doing?
DOCTOR:
Well, they're not holograms, that much is obvious. Could be a theme park from the future. Or we might be inside a miniscope.
CLARA:
Oh, shut up!
DOCTOR:
A miniscope! Yes, of course! Why not? (walks off)
ROBIN:
(walks to CLARA) Your friend...seems not quite of the real world.
CLARA and ROBIN watch as the DOCTOR examines the camp.
CLARA:
No. No, he's not really, not most of the time.
ROBIN:
Hmm.
CLARA:
"Dark days"?
ROBIN:
My lady?
CLARA:
You said that these were dark days, what did you mean?
WILL:
King Richard is away on crusade, my lady. His tyrant of a brother rules instead.
CLARA:
And the Sheriff? 'Cos there is a sheriff, right?
ALAN:
Aye. It is indeed this jackal of the prince’s who seeks to oppress us forever more.
DOCTOR:
Or six months in your case.
ROBIN:
It is a shame to dwell on murky thoughts... when there is such beauty here.
CLARA:
Why are you so sad?
ROBIN:
Why do you think me sad?
CLARA:
Because the Doctor's right, you laugh too much.
ROBIN:
You know, I do not live this outlaw life by choice. You see before you...Robert...
BOTH:
Earl of Loxley.
ROBIN:
Yes.
CLARA:
Yes. Sorry, do go on.
ROBIN:
I erm... I had my lands and titles stripped from me. I dared to speak out against Prince John. But I lost the thing most dear to me.
CLARA:
What was she called?
ROBIN:
You're so very quick! How does the Doctor stand it?
CLARA:
Marian?
ROBIN:
You know her?
CLARA:
Yes. I have always known her.
ROBIN:
It was Marian who told me that I must stand up and be counted. But...I was afraid. Now this green canopy is my palace and the rough ground my feather bed. Maybe one day I will return home, but until that day...until that day it is beholden on me to be the man Marian wanted, to be a hero for those this tyrant sheriff slaughters.
DOCTOR:
What time is it, Mr Hood?
ROBIN:
(looks to the sun) Somewhat after noon.
DOCTOR:
No, no. Time of year? What season?
ROBIN:
Oh, Dame Autumn has draped her mellow skirts about the forest, Doctor. The time of mists and harvest approaches.
DOCTOR:
Yeah...all very poetic. But it's very green hereabouts, isn't it? Like I said, very sunny.
CLARA:
So?
DOCTOR:
(looks to sky) Have you been to Nottingham?
CLARA:
Climate change?
DOCTOR:
It's 1190.
ROBIN:
You must excuse me. (goes to his men) The Sheriff has issued a proclamation and tomorrow there is to be a contest to find the best archer in the land. And the bounty...it's an arrow made of pure gold.
CLARA:
No! Don't go! It's a trap.
ROBIN:
(laughs) Well, of course it is! But a contest to find the best archer in the land? There is no contest.
All the men laugh.
DOCTOR:
Right, that isn't even funny. (points his finger at them) That was bantering. I am totally against bantering.
CLARA:
How can you be so sure he's not the real thing?
DOCTOR:
Because he can't be.
CLARA:
When did you stop believing in everything?
DOCTOR:
When did you start believing in impossible heroes?
CLARA:
Don't you know? In a way, it's rather sweet.
The DOCTOR takes a bite of an apple before scanning it with the sonic. CLARA walks over to ROBIN and the men.
EXT. NOTTINGHAM CASTLE, YARD, DAY
The archery contest is underway as men fire at standing targets.
HERALD:
In the contest for the golden arrow, after ten rounds, the battle is betwixt our Lord Sheriff... and the stranger known as Tom the Tinker!
ROBIN, as the Tinker, bows elaborately. CLARA, standing next to him, applauds.
SHERIFF:
Perhaps not such a stranger, after all.
The crowd cheers wildly.
HERALD:
Take your places!
The SHERIFF and ROBIN walk to the spot from which they are to fire at the target.
ROBIN:
Shall we make the contest a little more interesting, my Lord? The targets seem a little close. What say you? Another 20 paces?
SHERIFF:
Why not?
The SHERIFF motions with his hand and two soldiers move the target further away. The SHERIFF fires and hits the center of the target.
SHERIFF:
Now, Tinker. Let us see thy true face.
ROBIN shoots his arrow and splits the SHERIFF’S in the target. Everyone cheers and claps.
HERALD:
Ye Gads! He has split the arrow! Truly, he is the finest archer in all England! Come forward, Tinker, and claim your prize.
The HERALD steps down from the dais and presents the arrow to ROBIN. Before he can take it, another arrow is shot, splitting ROBIN’S in the target. It is the DOCTOR.
JOHN:
He's full of surprises, isn't he?
DOCTOR:
(walks forward) I am the Doctor. My skills as a bowman speak for themselves. I claim my reward.
The HERALD kneels, holding up the pillow and arrow. The DOCTOR takes it and examines it.
DOCTOR:
A mere bauble. (throws the arrow away) I want something else.
SHERIFF:
Name it.
DOCTOR:
Enlightenment.
ROBIN shoots again, splitting the DOCTOR’S arrow. With a roll of his eyes, the DOCTOR fires an arrow, ricocheting it off two soldiers in armor and onto the target. ROBIN fires again, this time without looking.
DOCTOR:
This is getting silly. (aims the sonic at the target, blowing it up)
SHERIFF:
(softly) Fascinating. (shouts) Seize him!
Two knights reach for their swords. CLARA tries to use a lance but it is too heavy and the tip falls to the ground.
DOCTOR:
What are you doing? Put that down!
CLARA:
I'm fine! I take Year Seven for after-school taekwondo.
ROBIN takes a stand in front of the DOCTOR and CLARA.
ROBIN:
Don't worry, Doctor! I'll save you!
DOCTOR:
I don't need saving!
ROBIN:
Your honour is safe!
DOCTOR:
I know!
ROBIN:
For I am Robin! (removes hat)
The crowd cheers.
ROBIN:
Robin Hood!
ROBIN fights with one of the knights, cutting its arm off to reveal a robot.
DOCTOR:
(picks up the arm) Robot!
The robot’s helmet divides in half vertically and opens sideways. The face underneath is metallic and humanoid. A slit across the head runs perpendicular to another slit along the nose. It lights up blue.
DOCTOR:
Now we're getting somewhere!
SHERIFF:
Take them!
The robots advance on the DOCTOR, CLARA and ROBIN.
SHERIFF:
Kill the rest! Kill them all!
Rays shoot from the light cross on the robots’ faces as they fire into the crowd.
DOCTOR:
(stands in front of ROBIN) He surrenders!
ROBIN:
What?
DOCTOR:
Hai! (knocks ROBIN’S sword from his hand)
ROBIN:
(to the DOCTOR) You miserable cur! I had them on the run! (to his men) Flee, lads, flee! Live to fight another day!
ROBIN’S men run.
SHERIFF:
To the dungeons with all of them!
The DOCTOR, CLARA and ROBIN are led away by robots.
CLARA:
What are you up to?
DOCTOR:
Quickest way to find out anybody's plans - get yourself captured!
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
The large cavern-like room is filled with prisoners carrying buckets of ore to the large furnaces. An older MAN falls to the floor from exhaustion. A WOMAN, the one taken earlier from the village, rushes over to help.
WOMAN:
Here...let me help you.
MAN:
Thank you...Lady.
One of the robots approaches and stares at them.
WOMAN:
What are you? Gargoyle, what are you?
ROBOT:
Leave it.
WOMAN:
He only needs to rest. We all need to rest.
ROBOT:
Analysis shows that peasant creature is spent.
WOMAN:
No, please.
ROBOT:
Usefulness expired.
MAN:
No. No! No!
The ROBOT fires a beam at the MAN and the WOMAN watches in horror. The MAN is vaporized and all that is left is a pile of smoking clothes.
WOMAN:
Damn you! Damn you and that villain the Sheriff! (cries over the remains of the man)
INT. CASTLE, CELL
The DOCTOR, CLARA and ROBIN are chained to posts in the stone floor. The DOCTOR is in the center.
ROBIN:
Splendid! Enchained!
CLARA:
Yup.
ROBIN:
Trussed up like turkey-cocks! Thanks to your friend.
DOCTOR:
Shut it, Hoodie. I saved your life.
ROBIN:
I had the situation well in hand.
DOCTOR:
Long-haired ninny versus robot killer knights, I know where I'd put my money.
ROBIN:
If you had not betrayed me, I would have been triumphant!
DOCTOR:
You would have been a little puff of smoke and ashes!
ROBIN:
Ha!
DOCTOR:
You'd have been floating around in tiny little laughing bits in people's goblets.
ROBIN:
Balderdash! Ha!
DOCTOR:
Oh, right, here we go, it's laughing time!
ROBIN:
Well, you amuse me, grey old man!
DOCTOR:
Guard! He's laughing again! You can't keep me locked up with a laughing person.
CLARA rolls her eyes.
ROBIN:
Oh, I find that quite funny. Do you know, I feel another laugh coming on. Ha-ha-ha!
DOCTOR:
Guards, I cannot remain in this cell! Execute me now!
ROBIN:
You heard him - execute the old fool!
DOCTOR:
No, hang on, execute him!
ROBIN:
I do not fear death, so execute away!
DOCTOR:
Execute him! I'd like to see if his head keeps laughing when you chop it off!
ROBIN:
Oh, Robin Hood always laughs in the face of death.
DOCTOR:
Yes, rolling around the floor laughing, I'd pay good money to see that! Guard!
ROBIN:
Guard!
DOCTOR:
Guard!
ROBIN:
Guard!
DOCTOR:
Guard!
ROBIN:
Guard!
CLARA:
Oh, you two, SHUT UP!
There is silence as the DOCTOR and ROBIN look at her.
CLARA:
Do either of you understand...in any way at all... that there isn't actually a guard out there?
The DOCTOR and ROBIN look at the door.
DOCTOR:
Oh.
ROBIN:
I did, in fact.
DOCTOR:
No, you didn't.
CLARA:
I said, shut up. The Doctor and Robin Hood locked up in a cellar. Is this seriously the best you can do? You're determined to starve to death in here squabbling.
ROBIN:
Well, I'll tell you one thing. I'd last a lot longer than this desiccated man-crone.
DOCTOR:
(scoffs) Really?
ROBIN:
Really.
DOCTOR:
Well, you know what? (leans towards ROBIN) I think you'll find I have a certain genetic advantage. (yanked back by CLARA) Oh!
CLARA:
It is not a competition about who can die slower.
DOCTOR:
It would definitely be me, though, wouldn't it?
CLARA:
There was supposed to be a plan. Do either of you have a plan?
DOCTOR:
Yeah, of course I have a plan.
ROBIN:
I too have a plan.
CLARA:
OK, Robin, you first.
DOCTOR:
Why him?
CLARA:
Doctor, shut up. Robin, your plan.
ROBIN:
I am... biding my time.
CLARA:
Thank you, Prince of Thieves. Last of the Time Lords?
DOCTOR:
Yes, I have a plan.
CLARA:
Can you explain your plan without using the words ‘sonic screwdriver’? Because you might have forgotten the Sheriff of Nottingham has taken your sonic screwdriver, just saying. It's always the screwdriver.
DOCTOR:
OK, l-l-let's hear Robin's plan first.
CLARA:
Oh, for God's sake!
A guard appears at the door and unlocks it.
ROBIN:
See? There was a guard. There was guard listening the whole time, I knew it. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
The GUARD enters and stands in front of the three.
GUARD:
The Sheriff himself commanded me to listen, to find out which of you is the true ringleader.
DOCTOR:
Ah, so he can do the interrogating. Very wise.
ROBIN:
Excellent. He will get nothing from me!
DOCTOR:
No, no, no, he will get nothing from me, because interrogation, that's where I always turn the tables. You see, that's my plan.
ROBIN:
Just hurry up and take me to him.
DOCTOR:
No, no, chop-chop, come on!
The DOCTOR and ROBIN stop arguing when they see the GUARD has unlocked CLARA’S chains.
CLARA:
(stands) Seriously?
GUARD:
Come on. (takes CLARA from the cell)
DOCTOR:
No.
ROBIN:
What are you doing?
DOCTOR:
Don't be ridiculous!
The door slams.
EXT. FOREST, CAVE, NIGHT
The Merry Men are sitting around the campfire. JOHN is admiring the golden arrow.
JOHN:
'Tis a thing of beauty indeed.
WILL:
(takes the arrow) And will feed a family for a twelvemonth when melted down!
TUCK:
(takes the arrow) Tonight we rest. Tomorrow we must draw up plans to rescue Robin. We shall soon see how those Mechanicals feel about the taste of Nottingham steel! Lord, forgive me.
ALAN:
(takes the arrow) Strange, though, is it not?
JOHN:
What?
ALAN:
All this looting that the Sheriff is doing. And yet 'tis only ever gold that he takes. Pearls, rubies, all the precious jewels of the realm seem no consequence to him. Only gold. (hands the arrow to TUCK, picks up his lute and starts to sing) Poor Robin and the stranger lay / In the dungeon all the live-long day. / The Merry Men might pine away / Upon a Sherwood morning.
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
The slaves continue to work under the watch of the robots. One robot tips a large crucible and the liquid gold pours out into a mold of lines and ridges.
INT. CASTLE, SHERIFF’S CHAMBERS
The SHERIFF sits at one end of a table laden with all kinds of food. CLARA sits at the opposite end. There are candles burning throughout the room and a large fire in the fireplace.
SHERIFF:
Eat, my Lady, eat. (pops food into his mouth with his hands) Let it not be said that the Sheriff of Nottingham is a poor host.
CLARA:
I had a bag of crisps this morning, thanks.
SHERIFF:
Your words are strange, fair one.
CLARA:
Hm, I should think they are.
SHERIFF:
But I like you. You are refreshingly...direct.
CLARA:
You can take the girl out of Blackpool...
SHERIFF:
(picks up a block of something wrapped in plastic) Taken from your friend's strange tunic. (puts it down and picks up the spoon) An intriguing gallimaufry. Including...this wand. (holds up the sonic) Evidently a thing of awesome power. Tell me... (leans forward) are you from beyond the stars?
CLARA:
You're the one with the robot army, you tell me.
The SHERIFF sits back in his chair.
INT, CASTLE, CELL
The DOCTOR and ROBIN are still chained up.
DOCTOR:
I'm sorry?
ROBIN:
No. Beat your breast, moan, groan as though 20 devils possessed your guts.
DOCTOR:
What for?
ROBIN:
So as to attract the attention of that guard.
DOCTOR:
It's your plan - you moan.
ROBIN:
No, no, no, it won't work.
DOCTOR:
Why?
ROBIN:
Oh, because you're clearly more advanced in years and you have a sickly aspect to you.
DOCTOR:
I have a what?
ROBIN:
You're as pale as milk. It's the way with Scots, they're strangers to vegetables.
DOCTOR:
I'm not moaning. You moan!
ROBIN:
Fine. If you want something doing... (moans loudly) Can I rely upon you to do the rest?
DOCTOR:
Yes, yes, I know the drill.
GUARD:
(through the window) What is this din?
DOCTOR:
(to GUARD) No business of yours, cur! (to ROBIN) Speak up! I can't hear you.
ROBIN continues to moan.
GUARD:
What ails him?
DOCTOR:
None of your business.
GUARD:
(enters the cell) I said, what ails him?
DOCTOR:
Well, if you must know, he's having a nervous breakdown.
GUARD:
A what?
DOCTOR:
He's like this whenever he's in any kind of danger. He just can't seem to cope, he gets so afraid. He goes into a kind of fit. I honestly believe that he may die of sheer fright, like some tiny, shivering little mouse.
ROBIN glares at the DOCTOR as he speaks. He groans.
DOCTOR:
Oh, God, I think he's soiled himself.
GUARD:
Let him die. It will save us the trouble of executing him. (starts to leave)
DOCTOR:
And what will happen to the reward?
GUARD:
(stops) Reward?
DOCTOR:
Oh, God, I shouldn't have said that!
GUARD:
(stands in front of the DOCTOR) Tell me!
DOCTOR:
He carries a vital message. The Prince has promised a bounty!
GUARD:
(bends over) A big one?
DOCTOR:
An enormous one!
GUARD:
(goes over to ROBIN who mumbles) What's that? Say again?
ROBIN:
Your breath stinks like a serpent, has anyone ever told you that?
ROBIN head-butts the GUARD who falls unconscious to the floor.
ROBIN:
Soiled myself?
DOCTOR:
Did you? That's getting into character! OK, keys! (reaches with his foot for the keys)
ROBIN:
(does the same) I'll get them.
DOCTOR:
No, I'll get them.
ROBIN:
I'll get them... I'll get them.
DOCTOR:
I'm fine, no, no worries! I've got them!
ROBIN:
I've got them! I'll get...
In the scuffle, the keys are pushed through a grate and they drop into water.
DOCTOR:
Well, there is a bright side.
ROBIN:
Which is?
DOCTOR:
Clara didn't see that.
ROBIN sighs.
INT. CASTLE, SHERIFF’S CHAMBERS
The SHERIFF stands and slowly walks towards CLARA.
SHERIFF:
But enough of tawdry matters. (brandishes a dagger) Let us talk of softer...sweeter things. (pierces a grape with the tip of the dagger and eats it)
CLARA:
Ah! Good, yes, I was hoping we'd get round to that.
SHERIFF:
(sits on the edge of the table) You were?
CLARA:
Mmm. (sips wine) For I have known I was destined to draw the eye of a great and powerful man for a long time, ever since I saw those mysterious lights in the sky.
SHERIFF:
(sheathes dagger) You saw them too?
CLARA:
And those strange mechanical men, with their promises.
SHERIFF:
I, too, have experienced this.
CLARA:
Really? Well, I would never have guessed. Tell me your story.
SHERIFF:
Tell me yours.
CLARA:
Oh, no, no, no, no. But you have to go first. (rests her hand on the SHERIFF’S as he holds a goblet)
SHERIFF:
Why so?
CLARA:
Because great men always precede.
SHERIFF:
You have a point.
CLARA:
Your story, then.
SHERIFF:
(stands) Once upon a time, (sits on the arm of CLARA’S chair) there was a brave and clever and handsome man...
CLARA:
I can almost picture him. I don't even have to close my eyes.
SHERIFF:
(slams the goblet onto the table and strides to the fireplace) …unappreciated by his royal master.
CLARA:
(follows) Prince John?
SHERIFF:
The very same.
CLARA:
Then came the lights in the sky, and everything changed.
SHERIFF:
(circles CLARA) The skyship came to Earth in a fury of fire!
CLARA:
I'd almost call it a crash. I remember it well.
SHERIFF:
A craft from the heavenly spheres, bedight with twinkling lights and miracles beyond imagining! The most beautiful thing the brave and handsome man had ever seen. (stops and stands close behind CLARA)
CLARA:
(turns and faces the SHERIFF) And I suppose the mechanical men saw you as their natural leader?
SHERIFF:
It was I and I alone to whom the mechanical men then imparted their secrets. Shortly, I shall be the most powerful man in the realm. King in all but name, for Nottingham is not enough.
CLARA:
(worried) It isn't?
SHERIFF:
After this... Derby!
CLARA:
Right.
SHERIFF:
Then...Lincoln. And after Lincoln...
CLARA:
Worksop?
SHERIFF:
(stabs the table with the dagger) The world!
INT. CASTLE, PASSAGEWAY
The DOCTOR and ROBIN exit the cell carrying the wooden post they are still chained to.
ROBIN:
Now what?
DOCTOR:
First, a blacksmith's forge.
ROBIN:
So as to remove our chains?
DOCTOR:
(walks up steps) No. So I can knock up an ornamental plant stand. Of course it's so we can get rid of our chains! I don't want to be manacled to you all night.
ROBIN laughs.
DOCTOR:
Oh, no, please, don't do that!
ROBIN:
(laughs) "Ornamental plant stand."
DOCTOR:
It's not even that funny!
ROBIN:
You're an amusing fellow, Doctor!
DOCTOR:
Oh, don't! Can you just stop? You'll give yourself a hernia!
INT. CASTLE, SHERIFF’S CHAMBERS
The SHERIFF broods as he leans on the table. CLARA tries to cajole him to learn more about his plan.
CLARA:
So what are you hanging around here for, then, Your Majesty? Why are you bothering to squeeze the pips out of the peasants if you've got a skyship on stand-by?
SHERIFF:
Enough questions. I'm impatient to hear your story.
CLARA:
Oh, but I do not have one. I was lying.
SHERIFF:
Lying?
CLARA:
Yeah. People are so much better at sharing information if they think the other person has already got it.
SHERIFF:
Oh, that's very clever.
CLARA:
Thank you.
SHERIFF:
(leans in close) You'll do very well.
CLARA:
For what?
SHERIFF:
Doesn't every king... require a consort?
The SHERIFF keeps leaning forward forcing CLARA to lean back. She ducks out of his way.
CLARA:
(points at him) Right, you do that again and you'll regret that!
INT. CASTLE, PASSAGEWAY
The DOCTOR and ROBIN, now free of their chains, climb a stairway. The DOCTOR spots a metal door with a round window, a bright glow emanating from within. With a look at ROBIN, they walk towards the door.
INT. CASTLE, SPACESHIP
The DOCTOR opens the door and finds himself in a futuristic metal room. At the far end is a large glowing sphere with two consoles facing it.
DOCTOR:
(walks inside) At last - something real, no more fairy tales.
ROBIN:
(stunned) What is this place?
DOCTOR:
A spaceship. More 29th century than 12th! Data banks, data banks, data banks! Where was this ship headed?
ROBIN walks slowly into the room as the DOCTOR reads the monitor. "Destination: The Promised Land" appears onscreen.
DOCTOR:
The Promised Land again. Like the Half-Faced Man, but more sophisticated. It disguised itself as a 12th-century castle, emerges into the culture, tries to keep a low profile, so no-one notices. That explains the robot knights. (walks to the sphere) But the engines... The engines are damaged. They're leaking radiation into the local atmosphere, creating a temporary climate of staggering benevolence.
ROBIN:
Beg pardon?
DOCTOR:
Told you. It's too sunny. It's too green. And there is even an evil sheriff to oppress the locals. This explains everything, even you.
ROBIN:
It does?
DOCTOR:
(walks back to ROBIN) Well, what does every oppressed peasant workforce need? The illusion of hope. Some silly story to get them through the day, lull them into docility and keep them working. Ship's data banks. Full of every myth and legend you could hope for, including... Robin Hood. (the screen flashes illustrations of Robin Hood as well as actors playing the part) Isn't it time you came clean with me?
ROBIN looks at the screen, not knowing what to make of it.
DOCTOR:
You're not real and you know it! Look at you, perfect eyes, perfect teeth. Nobody has a jawline like that! You're as much a part of what is happening here as the Sheriff and his metal knights! You're a robot!
ROBIN:
You dare to accuse me of collusion with that villain, the Sheriff?
DOCTOR:
I dare!
ROBIN:
You false-tongued knave! (pokes the DOCTOR in the chest) I should have skewered you when I had the chance!
DOCTOR:
I would like to see you try!
Lasers are fired from outside and the door explodes inwards, landing on the floor.
DOCTOR:
(walks towards the doorway) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Two robots enter the room first followed by the SHERIFF holding CLARA by the arm.
SHERIFF:
Surrender, outlaw!
DOCTOR:
Very good.
SHERIFF:
Kill him. Kill Robin Hood!
The robots advance.
DOCTOR:
You can drop all that stuff now, Sheriff.
CLARA:
Doctor?
DOCTOR:
He is not what you think he is. This is all play-acting.
ROBIN tries to get away from the robots.
CLARA:
We can't just let them kill him! (goes to help ROBIN)
DOCTOR:
You're not fooling anyone, Sheriff.
One of the robots fires at ROBIN, hitting the wall behind him, the concussion knocking him to the floor. CLARA places herself between ROBIN and the robot as he backs up to the blast hole. ROBIN grabs CLARA and holds her tightly in front of him.
CLARA:
What the hell are you doing?
ROBIN:
Surviving. (jumps backwards out the hole taking CLARA with him)
CLARA:
No!
The DOCTOR and the SHERIFF rush over.
DOCTOR:
No! Clara!
They stare down at the moat where the water ripples from the splash. There is no sign of ROBIN or CLARA.
SHERIFF:
Yeah, sorry about the girl, such a pretty thing. What a queen she would've made. (walks away)
The DOCTOR keeps looking and sees ROBIN on the opposite shore carrying an unconscious CLARA.
DOCTOR:
(steps back into the room) Stop pretending. You and your fancy robots. I get it, I understand.
SHERIFF:
Oh, so you too know my plans?
DOCTOR:
You and your robots plundering the surrounding countryside for all it's worth. Gold. Gold! (snaps fingers) Of course! Gold! (walks to the sphere) You are creating a matrix of gold to repair the engine circuitry!
SHERIFF:
This is the scheme the Mechanicals have devised. Soon this skyship will depart. Destination... London. There I will obliterate the King and take my rightful place as ruler of this sceptered isle!
DOCTOR:
It won't work. There's not a chance. I've seen the instruments. There's been too much damage. You are stoking up a gigantic bomb!
The SHERIFF puts a finger to his lips and points. The DOCTOR turns around and a robot knocks him out.
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
The DOCTOR wakes in the cavern chained to the wall. Two robots walk past carrying a giant golden circuit.
ROBOT:
Engine capacity at 48%. Engine capacity at 48%.
DOCTOR:
(pushes himself into a sitting position) It's not enough. That's not enough. It'll never make orbit. That's the engines...building in power. Stupid, stupid Sheriff! (pulls on the chains) Agh! Go on, give! Give, you stupid...things! (sees the WOMAN staring at him) What are you looking at?
EXT. FOREST, CAVE, NIGHT
CLARA comes to by the fire, ROBIN watching over her.
CLARA:
Hi.
ROBIN:
The time for games is over.
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
The WOMAN is sitting next to the DOCTOR working on the locks.
WOMAN:
I think I understand you. The Sheriff's using the gold to replace something?
DOCTOR:
That's the principle. But he's a moron. If he tries to fly his ship, it'll explode and wipe out half the country. What we need... is a little riot. Time to reflect on lasers and gold. Spread the word. (frees his hands)
EXT. FOREST, CAVE, NIGHT
The Merry Man now stand behind ROBIN.
ROBIN:
You will tell me everything this Doctor knows about Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
CLARA:
(sits up) What is this? Why are you interrogating me?
ROBIN:
(stands and points at her) And then, you will tell me exactly who this Doctor is and what are his plans.
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
A ROBOT approaches the DOCTOR and the WOMAN.
ROBOT:
You are fit for labour. Stand aside while this peasant unit is freed.
DOCTOR:
I'm afraid you're a little late.
ROBOT:
Explain.
DOCTOR:
I'm already free! (grabs a gold tray that reflects the laser back on the robot)
The WOMAN does the same thing and the head falls off the ROBOT and it collapses to the ground. The DOCTOR and the WOMAN get up and run for the doorway only to be met by more robots. All the peasants in the room hold up gold trays.
INT. CASTLE, SHERIFF’S CHAMBERS
The SHERIFF has a large map of England spread on the table and is marking the counties he wants.
SHERIFF:
Mine! Mine. Mine.
ROBOT:
Engine capacity at 75%.
An alarm beeps and the SHERIFF opens a screen on the table to reveal the chaos in the smelting room.
SHERIFF:
'Sblood! Who will rid me of this turbulent Doctor?!
In his anger, the SHERIFF punches a robot, hurting his hand. He shakes it and speaks through clenches teeth.
SHERIFF:
Come.
INT. CASTLE, SMELTING CAVERN
The peasants are fighting back against the robots, deflecting the laser blasts with the trays. Soon, there is only one left.
DOCTOR:
Everyone, the last one!
They encircle the robot and it fires. The blast ricochets off the many trays and eventually hits the robot. It explodes and they all cheer, hugging one another.
DOCTOR:
Out, out! Everyone, quickly, get out! Quickly!
The peasants hurry out but the WOMAN stops.
WOMAN:
You've saved us all, clever one. Thank you. (kisses the DOCTOR on the cheek and runs off)
The DOCTOR puts his hand to his cheek, surprised and stunned. He then hears the computer.
ROBOT:
Engine capacity at 82%.
The SHERIFF arrives with two robots.
SHERIFF:
You are indeed an ingenious fellow, Doctor. But do you really think your peasants' revolt can stop me?
DOCTOR:
I rather think you're the revolting one around here. Banter! I'm bantering! Listen to me! You don't have enough gold content to seal the engine breach. If you try and take off, you'll wipe out half of England.
SHERIFF:
(picks up the head of a robot) Liar! From my sky vessel, I shall rule omnipotent.
DOCTOR:
You pudding-headed primitive, shut down the engines. What you're doing will alter the course of history.
SHERIFF:
I sincerely hope so. Or I wouldn't be bothering. (tosses the head onto the fire)
The robots advance on the DOCTOR.
DOCTOR:
Listen to me! It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, return Clara to me and I'll do what I can.
SHERIFF:
(pokes the head with his sword) I don't have Clara.
DOCTOR:
Robin's one of yours!
SHERIFF:
(turns around) What did you say?
DOCTOR:
He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here.
SHERIFF:
Robin Hood is not one of mine.
DOCTOR:
Of course he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates.
SHERIFF:
Why would they do that?
DOCTOR:
To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses.
SHERIFF:
Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea.
DOCTOR:
Yes! Yes, it would! (realizes what he said) Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea. Why would you do that? But he can't be... He's not real. He's a legend!
ROBIN appears in the minstrels’ gallery.
ROBIN:
Too kind! And this legend does not come alone!
CLARA:
(appears from behind ROBIN) Hiya!
ROBIN and CLARA climb over the railing. ROBIN puts his dagger into a hanging banner and uses the tearing motion to take him slowly to the floor. CLARA has her arms around his neck.
ROBIN:
You all right?
CLARA:
Hell, yeah.
ROBIN:
Good!
ROBIN takes his dagger from the banner and throws it at the SHERIFF. The SHERIFF dodges the blade. ROBIN, uses the distraction to unsheathe his sword.
ROBIN:
My men have taken the castle.
SHERIFF:
No!
ROBIN:
Now I'm going to take you.
SHERIFF:
This one's all mine! (shuts down the robots) What do you say, outlaw? A final reckoning?
ROBIN:
Oh, yes. (faces the SHERIFF)
CLARA hurries over to the DOCTOR.
DOCTOR:
Are you OK?
CLARA:
Fine, yeah.
DOCTOR:
Good. We don't have long.
The ground rumbles. ROBIN and the SHERIFF continue their fight.
SHERIFF:
I shall avenge every slight, outlaw!
CLARA:
Doctor...
DOCTOR:
I know. The whole castle's about to blow.
SHERIFF:
You have long been a thorn in my side.
ROBIN:
Well, everyone should have a hobby. Mine's annoying you.
SHERIFF:
I'll have you boiled in oil at the castle by sunset.
ROBIN:
Can we make it a little earlier? Cos that's a little past my bedtime!
ROBIN cuts a rope and rides it up to a beam that crosses above the crucible.
SHERIFF:
I'm too much for you, outlaw! The first of a new breed. Half man, half engine! (cuts another rope and ascends to the beam and continues the fight) Never ageing... Never tiring...
ROBIN:
Are you still talking?
The SHERIFF cuts ROBIN’S arm and his sword falls to the floor below. ROBIN looks down in dismay before resigning himself to his fate. He holds his arms wide out.
SHERIFF:
Bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves!
The SHERIFF comes at ROBIN who uses the same trick the DOCTOR did earlier at the stream. The SHERIFF falls into the crucible of molten gold. ROBIN slides down the rope and walks over to the DOCTOR and CLARA, hand on his arm.
ROBIN:
Sorry. Was that, er, was that showing off?
CLARA:
That was amazing!
The ground rumbles and a section of the ceiling falls down.
DOCTOR:
Run! Come on, run!
As the DOCTOR, CLARA and ROBIN run from the chamber, we see the SHERIFF’S golden hands forever reaching to get out.
EXT. FOREST, DAY
The DOCTOR, CLARA, ROBIN, the Merry Men and the peasants retreat to the opposite side of the lake from where they see the castle fall. From one of the towers rises the spaceship.
DOCTOR:
It's never going to make it. Not enough gold. It'll never make it into orbit. (to ROBIN) Where is it? Where did it go?
CLARA:
Where did what go?
DOCTOR:
The golden arrow!
ROBIN:
Tuck!
TUCK comes over and gives the arrow to the DOCTOR.
DOCTOR:
You took it?
TUCK:
Of course we did. We're robbers.
DOCTOR:
I love you boys! (takes a bow)
CLARA:
Doctor, what are you suggesting?
DOCTOR:
Golden arrow. It might just be enough gold content to get the ship into orbit and out of harm's way. (holds the bow and arrow out to ROBIN)
ROBIN:
It has to be you. My arm is injured.
The DOCTOR aims the arrow at the ship but fumbles with it and is very clumsy.
CLARA:
You're good at this! I saw you! You won the tournament!
DOCTOR:
I cheated. I made a special arrow with a homing device.
CLARA:
Oh, brilliant! Right, let me have a go. (takes the bow and arrow)
DOCTOR:
You? You do taekwondo! That's not the same thing as this!
ROBIN:
My friends. Surely we can manage it together?
INT. SHIP
Two robots are standing in front of the instrument panels.
ROBOT:
Engine capacity at 83%.
ROBOT 2:
Insufficient power to achieve escape velocity.
EXT. FOREST, DAY
ROBIN is lying on his back, the bow resting on his feet as he holds the arrow and bowstring. The DOCTOR and CLARA each support a side of the bow. ROBIN releases the arrow and hit pierces the hull of the ship.
INT. SHIP
ROBOT:
Maximum power surge.
EXT. FOREST, DAY
Everyone smiles because the arrow has reached its target.
SPACE
The ship is above the planet
ROBOT 2: (off screen)
Engines critical. Engines critical. Engines crit...
The ship explodes.
EXT. FOREST, DAY
They all see the blast in the sky and cheer.
ALAN:
(sings) One awful day in Nottingham Brave Robin Hood was in a jam The arrow flew it true...
WILL:
(takes ALAN’S lute) Give it a rest, Alan.
ALAN:
Give me my lute! (chases after WILL as the others laugh)
CLARA looks at the DOCTOR, who is still serious.
CLARA:
Still not keen on the laughing thing?
DOCTOR:
No, no, no, no.
CLARA and ROBIN laugh.
EXT. FOREST GLADE, DAY
CLARA is getting a personal archery lesson from ROBIN. She squeals and hugs him when her arrow hits the target.
CLARA:
Woo-hoo!
ROBIN laughs at her enthusiasm.
CLARA:
I'm going to miss you. You're very naughty.
ROBIN:
I know.
CLARA and ROBIN walk over to the TARDIS.
ROBIN:
Whoever he is... he is a very lucky man.
CLARA:
Marian is very lucky, too.
ROBIN:
I fear not.
CLARA:
Don't give up. Not ever, not for one single day. (kisses him on the cheek) Be safe, if you can be. But always be amazing.
ROBIN:
Hmm!
CLARA:
(chuckles) Goodbye, Robin Hood.
ROBIN:
Goodbye, Clara Oswald.
CLARA walks to the TARDIS door, pauses and gives ROBIN a wink. ROBIN laughs as she steps inside. The DOCTOR walks to the TARDIS.
ROBIN:
So, is it true, Doctor?
DOCTOR:
Is what true?
ROBIN:
That in the future I am forgotten as a real man? I am but a legend?
DOCTOR:
I'm afraid it is.
ROBIN:
Good. History is a burden. Stories can make us fly.
DOCTOR:
I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid.
ROBIN:
Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear...
DOCTOR:
No--
ROBIN:
...until one night, he is moved to steal a TARDIS? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight. Clara told me your stories.
DOCTOR:
She should not have told you any of that.
ROBIN:
Well... Well, once the story started, she could hardly stop herself. You are her hero, I think.
DOCTOR:
I'm not a hero. (walks to the TARDIS)
ROBIN:
Well, neither am I. But if we both keep pretending to be... Ha-ha! ..perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will both be stories. And may those stories never end. (shakes the DOCTOR’S hand) Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey.
DOCTOR:
Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley.
ROBIN:
And remember, Doctor... I'm just as real as you are.
The DOCTOR enters the TARDIS.
INT. TARDIS
CLARA is standing by the console as the DOCTOR enters.
CLARA:
Admit it. You like him.
DOCTOR:
Well, I'm leaving him a present, aren't I? (dematerializes the TARDIS)
EXT. FOREST GLADE, DAY
As we hear the TARDIS dematerialize, ROBIN pulls a locket out from under his tunic and opens it to reveal a miniature of a dark-haired woman: Marian. ROBIN looks up and sees the WOMAN from the castle after the TARDIS is gone.
WOMAN:
Robin? I've found you at last.
ROBIN:
(stunned) Marian?
They run towards each other and kiss. The Merry Men cheer. ROBIN runs to the top of the knoll and shouts to the sky.
ROBIN:
Thank you! Thank you, Doctor! (shoots an arrow into the sky and laughs)