Transcript: 1x05 9 Lives

[jpgr]

1985

EXT. SPENCER HOUSE, DAY

SHAWN and HENRY are eating breakfast outside at the picnic table. HENRY is reading the newspaper. SHAWN slurps the milk from his empty cereal bowl before reaching for the box to put more in. Nothing comes out. He slams the box on the table.

SHAWN:
This isn't happening to me!

HENRY:
What is happening to you, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Only the worst thing ever! A missing Captain Delicious magic mood ring! Dad, this is a crime. Can you have them arrested?

HENRY:
(looks up from paper) First of all, Shawn, no, this is not a crime.

SHAWN:
Can't you just haul them in for questioning? Lay into them a little?

HENRY:
And who is "them"?

SHAWN:
You know, the cereal people?

HENRY:
Oh, the cereal people, huh? Well, I'll tell you what, Shawn, you can spend a lot of time calling 411 to get the number for your cereal people, they're gonna stick you on hold forever, listening to bad music. Finally, you're gonna get some dimwitted secretary, who's gonna take your message, and then she's gonna throw it in a waste bucket. Or you can use the skills I taught you and you can outsmart them.

SHAWN turns the cereal box about in his hands, looking at all sides.

SHAWN:
What am I missing?

HENRY takes the box and sets down in front of SHAWN.

HENRY:
Where is the ring?

SHAWN:
Well, it'd be at the bottom.

HENRY:
Not in this box, you're right. The big old bad cereal company messed up. (takes a new box and sets it in front of SHAWN) So, you grab another box, tough luck. Where's the ring now?

SHAWN:
At the bottom. Now I got to eat the whole box.

HENRY:
(turns box upside-down) And where's the ring now?

SHAWN:
At the top!

HENRY:
(opens box) That's right. You see, sometimes, Shawn, you don't have to dig so deep. All you gotta do is turn something upside down to make it right side up. And then... (takes out ring) you get your prize.

SHAWN:
Thanks, Dad!

PRESENT DAY

EXT. STREET, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are strolling the sidewalk. SHAWN is eating Chinese food from take-out container and GUS is carrying a coffee and closed take-out container.

GUS:
Explain to me again why we couldn't sit in a restaurant and eat like civilized people.

SHAWN:
Moving is good, Gus, it helps the digestion. Plus, you and I never do this anymore.

GUS:
What? Eat and jog?

SHAWN:
No, talk. Just talk. Check in with each other, as men. I wanna know how you are. I wanna know how Gus is.

GUS:
Really? Like you're really asking me?

SHAWN:
Yes, I'm really asking, because I care.

GUS:
Wow, okay. Well, we've been working cases nonstop for a month. To be honest, I'm burnt. I just want to take a nap.

SHAWN:
I couldn't agree with you more, buddy. I think we should lay low for a bit. No more cases.

GUS:
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that. I was kind of worried about telling you.

SHAWN:
Don't be a silly goose. Now, we've had a good talk, I think we both felt it, and look at this. Here we are.

They stop at a crime scene.

GUS:
What is this, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Okay, here's the thing. The police may have found a body, which I may have picked up on my police scanner, which I may have brought with me. (takes scanner from back pocket)

GUS:
No cases, Shawn.

SHAWN starts towards the building and GUS reluctantly follows.

SHAWN:
No cases. We go in, we see. We say hello. And we leave.

GUS:
Say hello? This is a crime scene. You can't just walk in there.

SHAWN:
(sees BUZZ standing guard) McNab. Nabby! (to GUS) Buzz.

GUS:
Buzz? Seriously?

SHAWN:
That's his first name. Don't you ever talk to him?

GUS:
Why would I talk to anybody named Buzz?

BUZZ:
Shawn! My man!

SHAWN walks up to BUZZ where they clasp hands, point at each other, bump elbows before BUZZ goes one step further to bump hips.

SHAWN:
Okay with... Yes. You look trim. Somebody made their wedding weight.

BUZZ:
Five more pounds. I'm close. But I still have a month.

SHAWN:
You'll get there. You remember my partner?

BUZZ:
Sure, yeah. Matt, right?

GUS:
Gus.

BUZZ:
Right.

SHAWN:
So, what do you got going on up there? Don't hold out on me now.

BUZZ:
Looks like suicide. A guy from the phone company found the victim in his apartment. Been up there for a few days already.

SHAWN:
Few days? You mind if we head up, take a look, poke around a little?

BUZZ:
Oh, I don't know. Lassiter's up there and he's in a mood.

SHAWN:
Yeah, we just, uh, got his coffee. (takes cup from GUS) Wanted to bring it by, make it right.

BUZZ:
Oh, that's nice of you. He asked me to get it, but this is perfect.

BUZZ lifts the police tape and SHAWN and GUS duck underneath and head up the stairs. SHAWN sips the coffee.

BUZZ:
Hey, did you just sip that?

SHAWN:
(turns around) You don't taste Lassiter's coffee before you give it to him? That surprises me, Buzz. He's so particular. No cream, no sugar...

BUZZ:
It's three creams, four sugars.

SHAWN:
Yeah, it is.

BUZZ realizes SHAWN was testing him.

SHAWN:
Sharp as a tack.

BUZZ:
You!

SHAWN:
And fit!

BUZZ turns around and SHAWN and GUS continue up the steps. At the top, SHAWN throws away the coffee before going inside.

INT. VICTIM’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM, DAY

The body of an older, heavy-set man lies on the couch. An open bottle of pills rests beside him, some spilled on the cushion. SHAWN and GUS sneak in while LASSITER and JULIET are looking the other way.

JULIET:
We found a note. The body's been here at least three days. Maybe more. All signs point to a 11-44.

LASSITER:
(writes notes) Three 11-44s in four months? There must be something in the water.

JULIET:
Uh-huh.

SHAWN and GUS stop at the piano and face away from the detectives.

LASSITER:
(walks to center of room) All right, ladies and gentlemen, listen up. You know the procedure. I want this done right. I do not want any mistakes.

A forensics officer blows into an evidence bag to open it before placing the pill bottle inside.

LASSITER:
Hey, Blowie, I know you're new, but next time if you want to get your spit all over the evidence, why don't you just lick it?

INT. VICTIM’S APARTMENT, DINING ROOM, DAY

SHAWN and GUS slip out of the living room while LASSITER talks to the forensics officer.

SHAWN:
Clearly he doesn't need any more coffee.

GUS:
Okay, there is the dead guy. Can we go now?

SHAWN:
Relax. We just got here. Have some mee krob. (holds up take-out)

GUS:
How do you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there?

SHAWN:
What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?

The Forensics officer heads their way.

GUS:
Forensics.

Forensics walks past them and into the kitchen. They follow.

INT. VICTIM’S APARTMENT, KITCHEN, DAY

SHAWN and GUS slip out of the living room while LASSITER talks to the forensics officer.

GUS:
Act natural.

They lean back against the door in their “natural” pose. SHAWN gasps as the Forensics officer opens a spice cabinet.

SHAWN:
That's it!

GUS:
What? What do you see?

Forensics moves on.

SHAWN:
Red pepper flakes.

GUS:
Is that a clue or something?

SHAWN:
No, it's a delicious spice, and it's exactly what my mee krob needs. I told you this. (goes to cabinet and takes flakes)

GUS:
What are you doing? This is a crime scene. You can't touch stuff.

SHAWN looks into the refrigerator as Forensics opens it and sees a marinating steak.

GUS:
What?

The forensics man leaves the kitchen

SHAWN:
Seriously, check this out.(goes to the fridge and opens door) A marinating steak?

GUS:
What, you want to eat that, too?

SHAWN:
No, but don't you find that a little odd?

GUS:
That a man would eat a steak?

SHAWN:
No, that a man who was ready to kill himself would take the time to marinate a steak for a future meal? (closes the fridge) Dude, (picks up take-out) this was not suicide. This was murder.

They leave the kitchen.

INT. VICTIM’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM, DAY

SHAWN and GUS stride into the living room and SHAWN sees the latch on the apartment door is open.

SHAWN:
The door latch is still intact. (turns to GUS) Now I ask you. If you were gonna kill yourself, wouldn't you want the door to be locked so that no one could barge in on you right in the middle?

LASSITER walks up behind SHAWN and GUS tries to get him to turn around.

SHAWN:
What? I don't...What is it? I don't...(turns around)

LASSITER:
What in the name of sweet justice are you two doing in my crime scene?

SHAWN:
Your crime scene? That's funny. I didn't see your name on it anywhere.

LASSITER:
(mocks) Get out.

SHAWN:
We are. Just thought you might wanna know that this thing here, not a suicide.

LASSITER:
Great. Thanks for that. Really. And thanks also for bringing a snack to the crime scene.

SHAWN looks down and sees a smudge on the floor in front of the couch. He goes into a “vision”.

SHAWN:
Oh, boy. Oh! (falls to his knees with a gasp, his right hand to his chest) I'm sensing a... I'm sensing there was someone here. Someone here in the room with the victim when he died.

LASSITER rolls his eyes to the ceiling. SHAWN takes LASSITER’S leg and pats his shoe.

SHAWN:
Someone with a sliver of grease on his or her shoe. (LASSITER kicks his leg free and SHAWN falls forward against the table) No, I'm not sensing a struggle. No struggle. (tabs the table) The door. Did you have to break down the door when you got here?

JULIET:
No, it was open. Why?

LASSITER:
No, no. Don't encourage him. Get up! (lifts SHAWN by the arm) McNab! (pushes SHAWN towards BUZZ) I want you to escort these two men out of here now!

SHAWN:
Come on, let me read the witnesses. You know, due diligence.

LASSITER:
Spencer, we did the due diligence. It was a suicide. There is no crime. There are no witnesses.

SHAWN:
You're wrong. There is a witness. (looks at chair where a cat is cleaning itself) There's a cat. I wanna talk to that cat. As soon as he's finished licking himself. Wow, I'm jealous.

**********************************************************************

PSYCH
“9 Lives”
By
Andy Berman

Starring
James Roday
Dule Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
And
Corbin Bernsen

Directed by:
Matt Shakman

**********************************************************************

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are standing outside the building. SHAWN is holding the cat.

GUS:
I can't believe you took that cat.

SHAWN:
Gus, they were gonna ship him off to an animal shelter. What choice did I have? Plus, this cat is the lead witness in a major murder investigation. Wanna hold him?(offers GUS the cat)

GUS:
Oh, no, you don't. I'm not touching that cat. You took the cat, you carry it. (walks away)

SHAWN:
(follows) We are right on this thing now. I didn't have anything substantial. A steak, the chain on the door, a stain on a carpet... I wouldn't have believed me. We needed an in. Now we have one. Plus, he clearly likes you. Give him a snuggle.

GUS:
You know what? I'm actually gonna enjoy this. You having to carry this cat around, pretending you can communicate with it. I'm buying a disposable camera for when you have to clean out its dirty litter box.

SHAWN:
Let me tell you something. This cat here is a gift. A conduit for us to save lives. And he has more integrity in his furry little hand...

GUS:
Paw.

SHAWN:
Paw. ...than most people have in their whole appendages. Appendages.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
All of them. Than most people have in all of their appendages combined.

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS enter the office, SHAWN still holding the cat. The cat meows.

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah? I think he wants to sleep on your chair. Isn't it cool?

GUS:
How long are you gonna keep this up for?

SHAWN:
Until we solve the crime.

GUS:
Don't you or your cat get mad at me, but I don't think there was a crime.

SHAWN:
Oh, really? You don't think so?

GUS:
No.

SHAWN:
Try telling that to this poor little guy who is traumatized seeing his owner killed. Tell him.

SHAWN holds the cat up in front of GUS and it hisses.

GUS:
I'm just saying I can kind of get where Lassiter is coming from. A few suicides is not uncommon.

SHAWN:
Gus, did you look at the sky today? Blue, clear. And did you feel it out there? Warm. Nice. Statistically, people in mild climates are far less likely to kill themselves. Now, if we were in Vladivostok, we could talk.

GUS:
Point is, at the end of the day, this was a 50-year-old man living alone with a cat. (sits at his desk)

The cat meows.

SHAWN:
Do you want down? You can get down. (puts down cat and sighs) You're probably right.

GUS:
I know I'm right.

SHAWN:
It was probably a suicide.

GUS:
Thank you. That was big of you to admit.

SHAWN:
I'm just... I'm unclear on one little thing.

GUS:
What's that?

SHAWN:
How do we explain the second body they just found? (brings out scanner)

DISPACTCHER: (on radio)
Deceased is in the car, over.

EXT. GARAGE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS arrive at the crime scene. A body of a woman rests behind the steering wheel.

SHAWN:
Detective O'Hara. What, you're here all by yourself?

JULIET points to LASSITER who has just arrived carrying a cup of coffee and notepad.

SHAWN:
Ah!

LASSITER’S spills the coffee down his front. SHAWN turns to hide a smile.

LASSITER:
Damn it all.

SHAWN:
Could have happened to anybody.

LASSITER ignores SHAWN and GUS and walks to JULIET beside the car.

INT. GARAGE, DAY

LASSITER:
Talk to me.

JULIET:
Well, victim is a female in her late 20s, Gloria Starks. We're waiting for forensics to confirm, but appears to be a suicide. Carbon monoxide poisoning. Asphyxiation.

SHAWN:
Oh, I'm afraid the cat doesn't think so.

LASSITER:
Turn around and walk away.

SHAWN:
This cat can tell us if the killer has been here. All I need is 30 seconds. Watch this. You ready boy? Huh? You ready? What? What, over here? Where? Wait. (cat meows) That is...That is very thoughtful. I'll tell him. (to LASSITER) He says the fact that you take three creams and four sugars in your coffee, dangerous.

JULIET:
Is that true? Do you really take three creams and four sugars?

LASSITER:
So what?

SHAWN:
So what? Carly, that is a heart attack waiting to happen. You're still a young man.

JULIET:
That was amazing. How did you do that?

LASSITER:
It was a lucky guess.

SHAWN:
Don't you get tired of saying that? Now, with your permission, I'd like the little boy cat to sniff out the car.

SHAWN notices writing on the windshield.

LASSITER:
Absolutely not.

SHAWN “accidentally” drops the cat into the back seat.

SHAWN:
Oops!

LASSITER:
What did I just say?

SHAWN:
(puts his hands up and walks to the front of the car) Just relax and let him do his job. He might find something. (looks at the windshield)

LASSITER:
(looks through window) He's peeing.

SHAWN walks back and sees the cat has peed on the dry cleaning on the back seat.

SHAWN:
No. No, he's drawing your attention to the evidence in the back seat.

LASSITER:
By peeing on it. Nice. (reaches through the window) Come here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

LASSITER picks up the cat by the scruff of the neck and gives it to SHAWN.

SHAWN:
Yes, did you make good pee-pee? Did you make good pee-pee? Yes, you did. What? (cat meows)(SHAWN laughs) What. That's a...That's a little inappropriate. I'm sorry, that's rude. (to LASSITER) He was just saying that he would have done the same thing, if he'd killed himself. He would have swung by the dry cleaners and grabbed the pantsuit first. (walks away)

LASSITER:
Maybe she picked up the dry-cleaning days ago. Did the cat ever think of that?

GUS is watching one of the technicians by the exhaust pipe.

GUS:
What is he doing right here?

JULIET:
He is measuring the amount of carbon monoxide emitted.

GUS:
Uh-huh. Okay. I knew that.

SHAWN:
Yeah, you did.

An officer enters the car from the passenger side and starts the car. Heavy metal blasts from the radio.

SHAWN:
Whoa! Now, does she strike you as the type that would go for heavy metal?

LASSITER:
Any number of people could have changed her radio station. Now, Mr. Spencer, if you and your new partner are finished urinating on things, I believe your work here is done. (turns around and makes notes as he whispers to JULIET) Check out the dry-cleaning.

JULIET:
I'm on it.

INT. ECHO, ON THE ROAD, DAY

SHAWN is behind the wheel and GUS is in the back seat.

SHAWN:
Look, I don't care what Lassiter says. The cat is not my new partner, Gus. Don't be ridiculous.

The camera pulls out and we see the cat in the front passenger seat.

GUS:
Then tell me again why the cat gets to ride shotgun?

SHAWN:
He gets carsick, and you know this. Do you want him to throw up again back there? Is that what you want? (pets the cat)

GUS:
It's not funny, Shawn. Here, lay these down.

GUS hands SHAWN newspaper from the back seat. SHAWN pets the cat as he settles on a pillow.

SHAWN:
He's doing fine, aren't you?

GUS:
This is a company car, Shawn. That means I have to return it in like-new condition. Lay these down.

SHAWN takes the paper and opens it on his lap and sees an article about the dead woman.

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa! Look at this!

GUS:
What?

SHAWN hands paper back to GUS.

GUS:
(reads paper) "Seventy percent off of storm doors and window panes. Everything must go."

SHAWN:
Gus, flip it over. It's her.

GUS:
"Struggling actress lands big break in Santa Barbara play."

SHAWN:
And then kills herself? I don't think so.

GUS:
Okay, you might be onto something.

SHAWN:
Yeah.

GUS:
The play is called “Dazzle and Stretch”.

SHAWN:
“Dazzle and Stretch”?

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

BUZZ knocks on the filing cabinet by LASSITER’S desk.

BUZZ:
I was wondering if I could ask you a question. (stammers) I could really use some advice.

LASSITER:
Yeah, all right. Get on in here.

BUZZ crosses into LASSITER’S “office”.

LASSITER:
What can I do for you, McNab?

BUZZ:
It's just that, well...You're still married, right?

LASSITER:
Are you trying to piss me off?

BUZZ:
I just have a question. On your wedding night did you feel any, well, any added pressure to perform?

LASSITER:
Excuse me?

BUZZ:
It's just that my Francie is going to be expecting a lot on our first night as a married couple, and I was wondering if you had any tips for me.

LASSITER:
(stands) What the hell kind of sick bastard are you?

BUZZ:
Thank you very much, sir. I appreciate it. (nervously backs away and leaves)

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

The cat is on a chair washing himself and SHAWN is sitting in the other chair watching him. VICK is behind her desk.

VICK:
So, what you are trying to tell me is now it's the cat that's convinced these weren't suicides?

SHAWN:
Yes.

VICK:
Do you really think I'm going to open a bunch of closed cases just because a cat tells me to?

SHAWN:
(meows) This is it.

SHAWN gets and moves to the other chair as the cat meows. GUS rolls his eyes from his position standing behind the chair.

SHAWN:
(meows and stands) Yes, this is it. The girl that was found in her car, Gloria Starks, she's here. She's here with us.

SHAWN inhales deeply and pretends to be channeling a female dancer, strutting through VICK’S office.

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY

From his desk, LASSITER can see SHAWN.

SHAWN:
(feminine voice) Oh, despair! (puts hand to his head as if about to faint)

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN:
(feminine voice) I fear that you will leave me. What choice do I have? (breaks into song and dance) I dazzle and I stretch. I dazzle and I stretch.

LASSITER enters the office.

LASSITER:
What the hell is going on here?

VICK:
(shushes LASSITER) Mr. Spencer, this is telling me nothing.

As SHAWN continues his “dance”, LASSITER takes the seat SHAWN vacated.

GUS:
He can't hear you right now 'cause, see, he's channeling the cat who's channeling Gloria.

SHAWN:
(singing) I dazzle

VICK:
Well, then what are we looking at?

SHAWN:
(singing) I stretch. (takes newspaper from under GUS’ arm)

LASSITER:
Bad acting.

SHAWN twirls until he is standing behind LASSITER.

GUS:
I think she wants you to see something in the paper. Gloria's trying to tell you something.

SHAWN lowers the paper in front of LASSITER.

SHAWN:
(singing) Dazzle and stretch.

LASSITER:
(reads newspaper) "Seventy percent off on storm doors and window panes. Everything must go." (SHAWN flips paper over) "Struggling actress lands big break in Santa Barbara play." So what. (tosses paper aside)

GUS:
So what? Does that sound like a woman who would kill herself?

LASSITER:
Please, all actresses are crazies. I know, I dated one in college once. She had a nose ring.

SHAWN is done with his stretching exercises and groans.

SHAWN:
Good work, little buddy. (collapses into LASSITER’S lap)

LASSITER:
Whoa!

VICK:
I don't know. This is something.

SHAWN:
Something? Oh, come on, you guys. That's the biggest thing that ever happened for that girl. Now you need to stop waiting around for another suicide and start looking for a serial killer.

LASSITER:
Spencer, get off my lap.

SHAWN stands.

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN is writing on a mounted clear Plexiglass board. Also attached are photos of the crimes scenes and notes from the files.

GUS:
What does this mean?

SHAWN:
I have no idea, but I've seen it on Numb3rs all the time and it seems to work for them.

GUS:
You ready to give up?

SHAWN:
Four separate suicides, two of which occurred before we came on the case, and I don't see a pattern of any kind. Different ages, different sexes.

GUS:
Different socio-economic levels.

SHAWN:
Different methods of death. No duplicate weapons, locations. Man, what have we got? First we have a jumper, second, an oven, third, pills, fourth, carbon monoxide. They all have to be connected somehow. And what I see is whole lot of nothing.

GUS:
(scoffs) Nothing.

SHAWN flashes back to advice from HENRY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1985

EXT. SPENCER HOUSE, DAY

HENRY:
You see, sometimes, Shawn, you don't have to dig so deep. All you gotta do is turn something upside down to make it right side up. And then... (takes out

ring) you get your prize.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SHAWN:
Wait a minute. (rearranges photos of the victims)

GUS:
What are you doing?

SHAWN:
Turning things upside down in order to make them right side up. (steps back) And there's the prize.

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX, DAY

SHAWN strides along the walk to the building entrance. GUS follows.

GUS:
This is the prize? Going to the first dead guy's place and what? Talk to a dead guy?

SHAWN:
No, we talk to the dead guy's brother.

GUS:
The dead guy's brother lives at the dead guy's place?

SHAWN:
(presses buzzer at door) They were roommates. But that's the point. He's getting rid of the apartment.

The signal buzzes telling them the door is open.

SHAWN:
And we're here to rent it. (goes inside)

GUS:
We're what?

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, HALL DAY

SHAWN knocks on the apartment door.

GUS:
Why can't we for once just talk to somebody as us?

SHAWN:
Because, Gus, I don't want him to be on guard. If he thinks we're investigating something, he'll clam up.

A man opens the door.

SHAWN:
Wes Hiltonbock?

WES:
Yeah?

SHAWN:
Hey, Shawn Spencer. I talked to you on the phone about the apartment, and this is Gus. It would actually be for both of us.

WES:
Yeah, okay, come on.

SHAWN:
Thanks, man.

INT. APARTMENT, DAY

They enter and look around the living room.

WES:
Just so you guys know, the utilities are included, but I would require first and last month and a sizable security deposit.

SHAWN:
Oh, that's not a problem. You take cats?

WES:
Yeah, I guess so. You two guys have a cat?

SHAWN:
We do, actually. He's sort of like our child.

WES:
I see. How do you guys know each other?

GUS:
We're partners.

WES:
Got you.

GUS:
Oh, no, no, no.

WES:
No, it's fine. Really, I'm totally fine.

GUS:
No, we're partners in a private...

SHAWN:
Relationship. (stands closer to GUS) Believe it, it's been a while. We finish each other's sentences. (starts exploring the bathroom) So, tell me, Wes, why would you want to give up such a handsome apartment? Do you...Do you not like it anymore? (takes a piece of mail and hides it under his clothes before returning to living room) Ooh, Gus, good news, shower for two.

WES:
Actually I just have some bad memories here. I used to... I used to live here with my brother, but he passed away.

SHAWN:
Oh, I'm sorry, man. Was he sick, or...

WES:
He killed himself.

SHAWN:
Oh, good Lord. I'm so sorry.

GUS:
Yeah, I'm sorry.

WES:
Yeah, me, too. We were real close, you know.

SHAWN:
God, was he depressed? I mean, were there signs? Did you... What am I... I'm sorry, you don't have to answer those questions.

WES:
No. Actually, I had no idea anything was wrong, you know. I mean, he had so much to live for. He was a great guy, you know. Smarter than me, more talented. He was a great singer. He was really going places. So look, are you guys...You guys interested in the place or...

SHAWN:
What do you think, honey?

GUS waggles his hand.

SHAWN:
I think it's great. I think it's perfect.

WES:
All right, then. Well, I got another couple coming by a little later so... But I'll let you guys know either way.

INT. ECHO, ON THE ROAD, DAY

GUS:
Shower for two?

SHAWN:
That was so I could see your face when I said it.

GUS:
You know, you enjoy these things more than you should. I suffered through that for no reason. We learned nothing.

SHAWN:
(pulls the envelope from his pocket) Yes, but I grabbed this while we were up there.

GUS:
You took his mail?

SHAWN:
It's not like I took his Sports Illustrated. Dude, it's a phone bill.

GUS:
You can't open someone else's mail, Shawn. It's a federal offense.

SHAWN:
Gus, he's dead.

GUS:
So what?

SHAWN:
Well, maybe I'll hold it to my head and read it psychically.

GUS:
Hurry up, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Gus, who's gonna see us?

GUS:
Hurry up.

SHAWN:
(opens envelope) Wait, there's like... There's like 16 calls here to some 1-800 stress line. Including the last call he made.

GUS:
I've seen the ads for that. So what? A depressed guy calls a stress line. And I bet you a hungry guy calls a pizza place. That doesn't tell us anything.

SHAWN:
Yeah, but it might give us a link. I'm gonna run the other victims' phone records.

GUS:
With what? Your do-it-yourself phone record running kit?

SHAWN:
The next best thing.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

SHAWN has a “vision” for JULIET.

SHAWN:
The answer is in the phone bills. I need you to run the victims' phone records.

JULIET:
What, no cat this time?

SHAWN:
Juliet, I'm very serious about this. I have a strong sense about a stress line and I know the link is in the phone records.

JULIET:
I don't know why you would think I would do something like this for you.

SHAWN:
Some have said it's the hair.

LASSITER walks up behind SHAWN and GUS.

LASSITER:
Really? Who says that? Oh, guess what? We already ran the phone records and checked out the dry-cleaning. Turns out the pantsuits were picked up over a week ago. What kind of dog and pony show do you think we run here?

SHAWN:
Gus, you wanna take this one?

GUS:
No.

LASSITER:
Let me put an end to this non-case right now, okay? Yes, all the victims called the 1-800 stress line. Not just once, many times over.

JULIET:
Detective Lassiter and I have combed everything. We've gone to the bone on these.

SHAWN:
All the way to the bone?

JULIET:
I know this is hard for you to grasp, but these people did have something in common. They were troubled and they were depressed, and as sad as that is, they all committed suicide. Case closed.

SHAWN:
We've clearly wasted your time.

SHAWN and GUS turn and walk away.

GUS:
It's not over, is it?

SHAWN:
Of course not. They all called the same help line and they all killed themselves? Come on!

GUS:
Shawn, that's what stressed people do.

LASSITER and JULIET watch them leave.

JULIET:
Strange how he gave up so easily.

LASSITER:
Yeah, it is. Maybe we should take a closer look at that stress line.

The detectives head back to the bullpen.

SHAWN:
Gloria Starks only called that line 'cause she was stressed about an audition. You call a help line and they find you dead? That's not very helpful. What if someone there is killing the callers and making it look like suicide? Gus, we go to the stress line, I think we solve the case. Come on.

INT. BUILDING, HALL, DAY

SHAWN motions to a sign on a door that reads “DIAL-A-PSYCHIC”.

SHAWN:
Ta-da!

GUS:
What is this?

SHAWN:
You're looking at our new business. Mazel tov.

GUS:
Are you out of your mind? You rented office space for this?

SHAWN:
Gus, don't be a crazy hooligan. I rented a sign.

SHAWN opens the door to reveal a janitor’s closet lined with shelves of cleaning equipment. Resting on a “Wet Floor” sign is a pineapple with a red bow. SHAWN picks it up.

SHAWN:
Now, let's go say hello to our new neighbors. (leaves)

GUS closes the door and follows.

INT. HELP LINE OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk into the busy office with everyone in their cubicles.

SHAWN:
Hello, everyone! (holds up pineapple) Who wants pineapple? Be honest. Ah, you guys can slice it up, fight over it later.

A MAN comes out of the office behind them.

MAN:
I'm sorry, gentlemen, may I help you? I'm Terrance, I run the line here. (shakes their hands)

SHAWN:
Terrance, hello. I'm Shawn Spencer, this is my partner Gus "Silly Pants" Jackson. Just came by to say hello. We've opened up our own little 1-800 thingy down the hall. Not as big as you guys. More of a closet, really.

TERRANCE:
Your own 1-800 thingy, huh?

SHAWN:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called Dial-A-Psychic. Maybe you recognize us. I am the lead psychic for the Santa Barbara police department. McCallum murders. Edmond robberies? Over there, you? Nothing? Nothing? Wow, really. What, do you guys live in this room?

They all laugh. One of the men at the cubicles is younger with spiked hair, eyeliner, black nail polish and a pierced ear.

MAN:
So, you can know stuff about me just by looking at me?

SHAWN:
Yeah, pretty much.

MAN 2:
Do it.

SHAWN:
Do it?

MAN:
Go ahead, show us.

SHAWN:
Looking for a little demo.

GUS:
Well, for one, they don't like pineapple.

They all laugh.

SHAWN:
I don't know guys. I don't think Big T wants us to take up any more...

TERRANCE:
Oh, no, no, no. Go right ahead. Half the lines are down, phones are being worked on right now. We have time for your little trick.

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah? (shoves the pineapple at TERRANCE’S stomach before walking closer to the cubicles) Let's see what I can come up with.

SHAWN looks out the window and sees the man from the phone company working on the pole. He then zooms in on the first man, noticing his eyeliner and rhyming dictionary.

SHAWN:
Loose flowing stanzas, Bobby Frost. Are you a poet, by chance?

MAN:
Yeah! Yeah, I am!

The workers in the office gasp in astonishment.

MAN:
Wow. How did you know that?

SHAWN:
I guess you could say I'm a bit of a psychic poet. (everyone claps) Oh, please, stop.

MAN:
'Cause I'm like, I'm freaking out here!

GUS:
Do you see his eyeliner?

SHAWN:
Guy could be the drummer from The Cure.

EXT. BEACH, DAY

LASSITER is sitting on a bench by the water eating a sandwich. JULIET finds him. She is carrying file folders.

JULIET:
Wow, I can see why you come out here to eat. It's beautiful. (sits next to him) Sound of the seagulls, the smell of the ocean, the salt air...

LASSITER:
Hmm. I never noticed. What do you got there?

JULIET:
(hands him files) What you asked for. I ran the sheets on all the volunteers at the stress line.

LASSITER turns to the man sitting on his other side.

LASSITER:
Do you mind? It's police business. (holds up badge) Scram. (man leaves) Let's see what we got here. (reads file) Well, lookie there. It's a picture of an old friend.

JULIET:
Hmm.

INT. HALL, DAY

SHAWN comes out of the elevator and passes the phone man as he enters. He sees the Goth squatting on the floor listening to his MP3 player and jotting notes.

SHAWN:
Hey, Rory.

RORY doesn’t hear him and SHAWN continues down the hall.

INT. CLOSET, DAY

GUS is sitting on an over-turned mop bucket when SHAWN enters and throws a soda can at him.

GUS:
Where the hell have you been? I've been sitting on this mop bucket in this tiny closet for the last hour and a half waiting for you to show up. I'm all cramped.

SHAWN:
Well, get up, man. Do some pushups or something. I need you light and limber.

GUS:
Do some pushups?

SHAWN:
Sure, like Clint Eastwood in Escape from Alcatraz. Sure, he spends the whole movie in a tiny little cell, right? But he's in the best shape of his entire life. Give me a little piece of tape.

GUS:
(hands SHAWN tape) What happened to the big ticking time clock?

SHAWN:
(holds up a poster with one hand as he reaches for the tape) Gus, what do you think I've been doing all day? (looks at telephone schedule) My work happens here (points to head) and here. (hand over heart)

GUS:
(stands) What are you doing?

SHAWN:
I am trying to create a pleasant work environment. (finishes taping poster) I can tell by looking at your little area that you don't care.

GUS:
We don't work here, Shawn.

SHAWN:
We do until we solve these murders. But don't worry, I have a plan. You are gonna call the stress line and pretend to be depressed.

GUS:
No, I'm not. (sits back down)

SHAWN:
Yes. And I will go down the hall when you make the call, ask for Rory, so that I can see him in action.

GUS:
Why don't you call him?

SHAWN:
Gus, please be serious for one second. No one's gonna believe that I'm depressed. Come on.

GUS:
I got an idea. Why don't you have the cat make the call? He's like your new partner, right? Where is he, anyway?

SHAWN:
Gus, he's far more comfortable in your car. Plus, I need him well rested for when he identifies the killer. Now, wait exactly two seconds and then make the call.

GUS:
Oh! I have no idea what I'd even say.

SHAWN:
(sighs) Here's a good opener. "Hello, my name's Gus. I have a deep-seated jealousy for a tiny little boy cat." (leaves)

INT. HELP LINE OFFICE, DAY

TERRANCE is talking with one of his workers.

TERRANCE:
Why would you put them on speakerphone? See, because I think that tends to undercut...

SHAWN walks in carrying a coconut with a bow and straw.

SHAWN:
Big T! Look sharp! (hands TERRANCE the coconut)

TERRANCE:
(sighs) What is it now, Mr. Spencer?

SHAWN:
Just wanted to pick your brain for a second. How many lines you got going here?

TERRANCE:
I have 12 lines, but I'm adding more all the time.

SHAWN:
I get it, I get it, the more lines, the more green, am I right?

TERRANCE:
I'm a non-profit operation. The calls are free. I'm not in this for the money.

SHAWN:
Really, that's weird. See, I'm thinking of charging four bucks a minute.

TERRANCE gives SHAWN the coconut back and goes back into his office. SHAWN looks around and sees RORY at his cubicle, listening to his music and writing.

SHAWN:
(softly) Rory. (walks over) Rory! (taps on cubicle) Hey, Ror.

RORY:
(looks up and removes earbuds) Hey.

SHAWN:
You really do love your music, huh?

RORY:
You kidding? Music inspires me.

SHAWN:
Yeah, you know, you don't really strike me as the...

RORY:
Charitable type?

SHAWN:
I was gonna say sensitive, but sure.

RORY:
Actually, I'm here as part of a community service on this assault beef, you know. I got into it with this guy who didn't like my poetry. So, 250 hours.

A phone rings.

SHAWN:
Two-fifty, wow, that's intense.

TERRANCE calls from his office door.

TERRANCE:
Rory, that's Line 6!

SHAWN:
I'll let you get back to work.

RORY:
Sorry. (picks up phone) Hello, Stressline, the extra S is for extra stress. This is Rory.

SHAWN sits in a chair in front of the cubicle, a file in one hand, the coconut in the other.

RORY:
Uh-huh. Right, so you're experiencing some stress. Career and personal?

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. CLOSET, DAY

GUS is sitting the bucket talking into his cellphone.

GUS:
Well, yeah, I suppose. I mean my career's not exactly where I would like it to be. No. No, I don't have a girlfriend right now. It's been awhile.

RORY:
Right. Right, that's not good. Does it make you have dark thoughts?

SHAWN looks at him.

GUS:
Like how dark are you talking? Like, "wanna be dead" dark?

RORY:
Okay, easy, I just wanna say this, like, right off the bat, suicide is not the answer.

GUS:
(stands) Who said anything about suicide? I just said maybe I should find a new hobby, like coin collecting. Or something at the beach. I like water activities.

RORY:
Like drowning?

GUS:
What? Drowning? I don't want to drown!

RORY:
No, no, of course you don't. That's awful, okay? But I don't care what you say about suicide in a lake being poetic, you know, like, your body floating to the top of the pristine, serene waters and your final breaths rippling out in an ever-widening circle, you know, like the circle of life.

SHAWN looks around in disbelief, surprised that no one is upset at what RORY is saying. He is certainly uncomfortable.

RORY:
But you have to stop that kind of thinking. You have so much to live for.

GUS:
You're damn straight, I have a lot to live for!

RORY:
Of course you do. You see, I can tell, this phone call is helping you already.

SHAWN mouths “I’m gonna go” and RORY waves goodbye.

INT. CLOSET, DAY

SHAWN enters and closes the door behind him.

SHAWN:
Dude, what the hell was that?

GUS:
Was he trying to help me? Cause I feel really creeped out right now.

SHAWN:
Dude, he put you on the creepy train headed for Creep Island where the natives drink creep nectar out of creepy coconut shells...

GUS:
Shawn, it's horrible.

SHAWN:
Yeah, I'm sorry.

GUS:
He's nuts, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Yes.

GUS:
And worst of all, he actually made some good points! I mean, pharmaceutical sales, not sexy. You are my only non-work friend. There’s got to be something wrong with that.

SHAWN:
Hey, hey, hey, what is this?

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
(points to poster of dangling kitten) Hang in there.

GUS:
He's right, I need to start taking some more risks.

SHAWN:
Does that mean we can go cliff diving in Zihuatanejo?

GUS:
No. I'm being serious, Shawn!

SHAWN:
Look, would it make you feel any better if I told you Hiltonbock called? We got the apartment!

GUS:
What would make me feel better is if we called the police! This guy is dangerous, Shawn. Let's call Vick. Maybe get him arrested.

GUS grabs his jacket and starts for the door but SHAWN stops him.

SHAWN:
Gus, Gus!

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
The only thing this guy is guilty of right now is being a bad poet. You know how this game works. We cannot just pick up a phone and beg the police to come and save us.

GUS mutters angrily.

SHAWN:
Look, just... Just stay away from the water for now. Final decision, we wait.

SHAWN hears the elevator ding and looks at his watch. We then hear a woman speaking indistinctly. SHAWN opens the door and sees VICK, LASSITER and JULES with officers as they exit the elevator. They don’t know which way to go.

JULIET:
No, it's this way.

VICK:
You sure?

JULIET:
Yes.

The police go down the hall and SHAWN looks at GUS.

SHAWN:
Now, was that so hard?

They exit the closet.

INT. HELP LINE OFFICE, NIGHT

LASSITER holds up RORY’S eyeliner with a handkerchief.

LASSITER:
Maybe you'd care to explain this.

RORY:
My eyeliner pencil?

LASSITER:
So, you admit it's yours. (turns around to look at SHAWN) Funny how Gloria Starks' suicide note was scrawled across her windshield in black eyeliner. Yet no eyeliner was found at the crime scene. You, my friend, are looking at exhibit A. (reaches out his hand without looking) Bag it, O'Hara.

JULIET opens the evidence bag and LASSITER drops in the eyeliner pen.

LASSITER:
(folds handkerchief) You like your music, don't you, Rory?

RORY:
Yeah, I do. It's my inspiration.

LASSITER:
I bet. I bet it inspires you to kill. That's why you couldn't resist playing your big-haired, drug-induced death music on Mortimer Tilden's stereo while you forced him to swallow all those pills. Or on Gloria Starks' car radio while she slipped into unconsciousness. And even now. Let's have a little listen, shall we?

LASSITER yanks out the headphone plug and we hear “Up, Up and Away” by the Fifth Dimension. RORY pulls the cord out of LASSITER’S grip. JULIET and VICK look at LASSITER.

LASSITER:
What, you think you can pull a fast one on me switching out your head-thrashing crap for this noise? (tosses the speakers back onto the desk)

RORY:
This crap is all I listen to. I hate metal music. I use the details that I get from callers to write better poems. I am not a killer!

LASSITER:
Yeah, I know, you're a poet, but you're also an assaulter, aren't you? Who do you think arrested you on that assault charge?

SHAWN looks out the window and sees the phone man working on the lines on the pole outside. It sparks a number of flashes. He remembers seeing the guy from the phone company in the hall and when BUZZ told him that “A guy from the phone company found the victim”, and then the maintenance schedule for the phone lines. He looks up at the telephone pole and the man is gone.

RORY:
I didn't kill anybody.

LASSITER:
Get him out of my sight.

The officers take RORY away. As LASSITER walks out, he looks at SHAWN.

LASSITER:
What? You're not taking notes?

SHAWN motions with his arms in an “I don’t know” gesture.

GUS:
How could you let him do that? Now Lassiter gets credit for solving the crime and we won't get paid.

SHAWN:
Oh, we're gonna get paid.

GUS:
How do you figure?

SHAWN:
Lassiter didn't solve the crime. Rory is innocent. He didn't do it.

GUS:
He didn't?

SHAWN:
No.

GUS:
Then who did?

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING, NIGHT

The cat lies on the grass as SHAWN pushes GUS up the telephone pole.

SHAWN:
Just grip the spike with your little foot and climb! Come on!

GUS grunts as he reaches the first rungs.

GUS:
Why do I gotta go first? (climbs)

SHAWN:
'Cause you're a climbing machine, Gus. Just, you know, be careful. Grip the spike with your foot! Okay, oh, okay, okay. (sees a mark on the sole of GUS’ shoe that matches the one he saw on the floor at the crime scene) Grease. (remembers seeing the metal rungs as key hooks at Hiltonbock’s apartment)

Dude, dude! Dude, I know who the killer is!

GUS:
Can I come down then?

SHAWN:
No, no, stay up there. I have to figure out where he's headed.

GUS:
Who is it?

SHAWN:
Well, put it this way, I don't think taking the apartment is such a good idea, unless you think it's cool that our would-be landlord is a serial killer.

GUS:
Hiltonbock?

SHAWN:
There was a pattern. See, all the murders coincide with dates that Hiltonbock was servicing the phone lines. That's when he had access.

GUS:
(grabs phone off hook) With this?

SHAWN:
Yes. Yeah, yeah, send that down.

GUS drops the phone down to SHAWN on its long wire.

SHAWN:
Perfect!(picks it up) See, this device stores all the incoming and outgoing calls. My guess is that wherever number he dialed last, that's where Hiltonbock is headed. And whoever that is, is probably his next victim. (dials)

BUZZ: (over phone)
Hello, you've reached Buzz McNab. I'm not in right now, but please do leave a message and I will get back to you when I get in.

SHAWN:
Oh, no. (dials)

GUS:
Who are you calling?

SHAWN: (into phone)
Hello, Chief? Hey, Shawn Spencer here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm getting a vibe right now as big as a Buick!

EXT. STREET, NIGHT

The Echo hurtles around the corner and pulls up outside BUZZ’S apartment building. SHAWN and GUS get out of the car.

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, you don't. Stay, boy cat!

They race up to the building and check the mailboxes to find which one belongs to BUZZ before running inside.

INT. HALL, NIGHT

They come up to BUZZ’S apartment door. SHAWN tests the handle and learns that it’s unlock. With a quick fist bump, they dash into the apartment.

INT. BUZZ’S APARTMENT, NIGHT

WES turns on them, a gun in his hand with a noose wrapped about his arm. BUZZ is in his underwear standing on a chair. SHAWN and GUS hold their hands up.

SHAWN:
Hey, McNab, so this is the place, huh? It's nice. It's really nice.

LASSITER runs in, his gun aimed at WES.

LASSITER:
Drop it!

WES:
Don't come any closer.

LASSITER:
Put it down or I will drop you!

WES:
I swear to God I'm gonna shoot him.

VICK, JULIET and other officers have entered the apartment, all with guns drawn and aimed at WES.

LASSITER:
Drop it!

SHAWN:
Everybody breathe, just breathe!

LASSITER:
(to SHAWN) Get out of here.

SHAWN:
Well, the other ones must have gone a lot smoother than this, huh, Hiltonbock?

The cat enters the apartment without anyone noticing.

SHAWN:
Though, comparatively, it was probably pretty easy to get Mortimer Tilden to swallow those pills.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK

INT. VICTIM’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM, DAY

TILDEN is holding the bottle of pills in his hand as he sits on the couch. WES is kneeling on the floor in front of him, gun aimed at TILDEN.

WES:
You wanna die, old man, huh? Eat them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SHAWN:
Because you are not really a cold-blooded serial killer. Are you?

LASSITER:
No, but he threw his own brother off a building!

WES:
I didn't push him off the roof.

SHAWN:
No, no, no. No, you didn't. You didn't do that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK

EXT. WES’ APARTMENT, BALCONY, DAY

WES is standing on the balcony looking down.

SHAWN: (v.o.)
But you were there. You saw it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SHAWN:
You saw the whole thing. You saw him jump off the balcony of the apartment that you shared.

WES:
He was weak.

SHAWN:
There's a lot of weak people out there, Hiltonbock. Are you gonna track them all down, huh, one at a time? Punish them for their weakness? You wanna get back at your brother so badly, you don't even care who these people were, just that they called the line. And look, you're gonna kill McNab here just because he had a few pre-wedding jitters.

BUZZ:
(stammers) I was just looking for a little advice. (looks at LASSITER) Nobody else would talk to me.

Everyone else looks at LASSITER and he acts a little embarrassed.

SHAWN:
It's okay, Buzz. We all have stress. All of us. Right here in this room. I mean, take a good look, Hiltonbock. We all have problems. Who else deserves to get shot or hung? Maybe it's Gus.

LASSITER:
That's enough, Spencer.

SHAWN:
No. Shoot him.

GUS:
What are you doing?

WES:
(turns his gun on GUS) Yeah, maybe I should.

GUS:
Don't listen to him. He's a crazy person, he's crazy. (hides behind SHAWN)

SHAWN:
That's right, I am crazy. So maybe you should shoot me.

WES:
Okay.

GUS moves away from SHAWN.

SHAWN:
Here's the best part. It doesn't matter what I think, because you have a problem that's a lot bigger than me. (points to LASSITER) This guy. The man with his gun trained on you is not only a fine human being, with a strong Irish hairline, he is an exemplary public servant and arguably the finest detective mind in the lower western Santa Barbara County area over the age of 35. And right now, while I'm speaking, he is devising a swift and stealth-like tactic that is going to disarm you and blow your freaking mind!

While SHAWN has been talking, WES nervously aims his gun at everyone.

SHAWN:
(whispers to LASSITER) Anytime you're ready. All right, we gotta make the move.

At that moment the cat jumps from the top of the CD shelf with a meow and onto WES who screams as the claws dig into his skin. Taking advantage of the situation, LASSITER tackles WES to the floor. The cat runs away. BUZZ bends over to pick up the gun.

LASSITER:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Using the tips of his fingers, BUZZ passes the gun to JULIET. LASSITER looks up at SHAWN.

LASSITER:
That was adequate, Spencer.

SHAWN:
Don't thank me. Thank the little boy cat.

LASSITER lifts a handcuffed WES to his feet and marches him out the door.

SHAWN:
(spots the cat) There you are. There's my big guy. (picks up cat) There's my big guy. (pets him) You are a hero. You are a hero today. Yes. Speaking of heroes, McNab, I was gonna get you something off the registry online, but it turns out the Chief already got you the asparagus steamer.

(BUZZ grins) So, instead I give you this little guy. (hands BUZZ the cat) Yeah. (backs away slowly) If you take him in the car, he likes to ride upfront, shotgun.

BUZZ scratches the cat’s head and he purrs.

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are sitting at the table eating breakfast cereal, the same one SHAWN was eating as a child.

GUS:
You know, there's something beautiful about the color Fruity Puffs turns the milk.

SHAWN:
(mouthful) I think it's the most beautiful thing in the whole world.

GUS:
You know, I've been thinking. You're not the only one who lives a charmed life, Shawn. I got it pretty good, too.

SHAWN:
Yes, you do, and it makes me glad to hear you say so.

GUS:
I mean, the other day at work, this dermatologist, Katie Finestatt, commented how I looked handsome carrying my sample case into her office.

SHAWN:
(mouthful) Finestatt said that?

GUS:
Yes, she did. And she is fine. (takes a spoonful) So, it got me thinking, maybe pharmaceutical sales can be sort of sexy.

SHAWN:
There are times when I have to stand a few feet away because you're literally sizzling.

GUS:
You see what I'm saying? I mean, you may be my only non-work friend, but you're my best friend. And how many best friends does one guy need, really?

SHAWN holds up his index finger.

GUS:
That's my point.

SHAWN:
It's all in the attitude, Gus.

GUS:
Exactly. Not sweating the small stuff.

SHAWN:
Life is too short.

GUS:
Too short. (picks up the cereal box) Changing my attitude, Shawn. (pours the cereal into his bowl but looks into the box when nothing else comes out) Where the hell is my prize? Where's my ring, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Easy now.

GUS:
No, no, I've timed the bowls out perfectly, Shawn. Me, then you, then me, then you, then I get the prize!

SHAWN:
What happened to "Not sweating the small stuff? "Life's too short," all that?

GUS opens the bottom of the box and realizes what happened.

GUS:
Did you open the bottom of the box?

SHAWN lifts up the hand he had hidden under the table. On his pinkie is a ring.

SHAWN:
Now, why would I do something like that?

GUS:
That's my ring.

SHAWN looks at the ring.

GUS:
You know I would kill for that ring, don't you?

SHAWN:
Oh, you're upsetting me. You just changed my mood from an orangey yellow to a muddy brown. You need to say something sweet. Quick.

GUS stands and wiggles his finger in the remains of SHAWN’S cereal and milk before stalking away.

SHAWN:
Gus! That's so childish. (SHAWN pushes his bowl aside and picks up GUS’) I'm gonna eat yours!

The door slams in the distance as SHAWN eats the cereal.

Comments

[ravenread.livejournal.com]

Ahh, you miss so much just watching it hey. The talk and references can be so rapidly fired. I love coming back and reading these, watching it in my memory. Thanks for sharing.