Transcript: 2x01 American Duos

[jpgr]

1987

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE

SHAWN is standing by the curtain, in costume as half of Tears for Fears. GUS walks up to him, dressed in the red pleather suit of Michael Jackson.

SHAWN:
What's with the Michael Jackson outfit? That's, like, two years old.

GUS:
I got scared.

SHAWN:
You were supposed to be Billy Ocean. (holds up TFF album) Why would Michael Jackson sing with Roland?

GUS:
Why would Billy Ocean sing with Roland Orzabal?

SHAWN:
'Cause he's awesome. Now we gotta add the moonwalk into "Shout" and hope the judges don't slam us for it.

GUS:
I don't know how to moonwalk.

SHAWN:
You better learn quick.

TEACHER:
(over mic) Shawn Spencer and Mr. Burton Guster. Let's give 'em a nice round of applause.

GUS and SHAWN part the curtains and walk out.

PRESENT DAY

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS are sitting in the darkened office watching the TV on which a man and woman are performing “She’ll be Coming ‘Round the Mountain”, the man beat-boxing. GUS is eating popcorn as he enjoys the show. The look on SHAWN’S face mirrors that of the judges on the program. Next up are two Asians singing “Ave Maria”. GUS points at the TV and laughs. The third pair draw breath to sing but are stopped by the head judge, NIGEL ST. NIGEL.

NIGEL:
You're stiff. Inarticulate. Slightly jaundiced. Asymmetrical. You smell. The one on the right... there's something in your teeth. All in all, I'd say there's absolutely nothing worthwhile about either one of you.

GIRL:
But we haven't even sang yet.

NIGEL:
Apples and oranges. Anybody else?

The female judge, EMILINA SAFFRON answers.

EMILINA:
I like 'em.

NIGEL:
Well, of course you liked them. You've been asleep for the last 45 minutes. (looks to third judge) Zapato?

ZAPATO:
Well, I...

NIGEL:
Good. Moving on.

The host, LESTER, pushes the girls gently off camera before looking at it himself.

LESTER:
Coming up after the break...

SHAWN:
(motions to TV) You see what I mean?

GUS:
Shh!

SHAWN:
You’re shushing me for reality TV? (GUS shushes again) Dude.

GUS:
Zip!

LESTER:
I'm Lester Beacon and this is American Duos.

SHAWN throws the squeaky frog at the TV.

GUS:
Rule number one, Shawn, no talking during Duos.

SHAWN:
Oh, for the love of Lori Loughlin. (lifts remote) Please use the pause button just once. (puts down remote) Why did we get TiVo if we never fast-forward and I can't stop for commentary?

The phone rings and SHAWN reaches for it but GUS slaps his hand down.

GUS:
Whoa, no calls either.

SHAWN:
Gus, don't be a rabid porcupine. This is just another knockoff of the other knockoff of the original knockoff of that other show.

TV:
And welcome back to American Duos.

GUS:
First of all, Shawn, look at the guy on the right.

SHAWN:
Zapato?

GUS:
He's not black. He's Latino. That's different. The contestants in this one are duos, which makes it way more compelling. They have to mesh, become one soul, like V'ger and Stephen Collins in Star Trek I. And they're shooting in Santa Barbara this year, which more than compensates.

The phone rings again and SHAWN grabs the handset.

GUS:
Don't you dare answer that.

SHAWN:
Dude, it's Jules. She could be bleeding and in a ditch.

GUS:
She's not bleeding.

SHAWN:
She could be in a ditch.

GUS:
She's not in a ditch.

SHAWN:
She could be lonely and in the shower.

GUS:
She has a shower phone?

SHAWN:
I certainly hope so. Dude, it's a win-win. Except for the ditch one. (answers phone) Hello? Nothing at all. We'll be right there. (stands, turns off TV and leaves)

GUS:
Shawn!

INT. SBPD, HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS enter the building still talking about TV.

SHAWN:
That's it. I'm canceling the TiVo. No more frame-by-frame. No more Ghost Cat.

GUS:
I recorded that by accident.

SHAWN:
Then why didn't you erase it for three months?

GUS:
Fine, but I'm putting up the official Burton Guster spoiler alert. Until I get back and watch the recording, nobody utters a word about American Duos.

JULIET:
That's going to be difficult.

GUS:
Why?

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, NIGHT

JULIET leads SHAWN and GUS into the office. GUS stops when he sees the man sitting in front of VICK’S desk.

GUS:
(to SHAWN) That's Nigel St. Nigel. (to ST NIGEL) You know, you were totally unfair to Catherine Clement in season two.

NIGEL:
I don't remember the person to whom you are referring. But she was hideous. (to VICK) This is them?

VICK:
Yes, this is Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster, our resident psychic team.

NIGEL:
The answer is no.

VICK:
Mr. St. Nigel, this is exactly what you asked for. Hear them out.

NIGEL:
There's no reason. (stands)

VICK:
Hear... them... out.

NIGEL sits back down.

JULIET:
Nigel needs protection.

SHAWN:
Do you realize you're in a police station?

NIGEL:
(scoffs) I don't trust the police. They're useless. (turns to VICK) No offense.

VICK:
Oh, none taken.

JULIET:
Mr. St. Nigel has been the victim of a series of attempts and threats on his life by a crazed stalker. He believes that even the police could somehow be in on the conspiracy even though we've assured him that...

NIGEL:
(stands) I can speak for myself. And stop slouching.

JULIET straightens her posture.

NIGEL:
Every time I bring in some sort of professional protection my attacker gets closer. My car has been tampered with. My trailer has been broken into. Accidents follow me everywhere. What I need is someone who can anticipate my attacker's next move. Someone who can move about undetected.

SHAWN:
You're talking about a psychic. Someone who can see danger before it occurs. Someone who can say, "Nigel, duck!" before the bullet exits the chamber.

NIGEL:
Spare me the theatrics. Can you do it or not?

VICK:
(stands) Look, we are asking you to go undercover. No one outside of this office will know that you're on the job.

JULIET:
What about Detective Lassiter?

They look out the window to LASSITER at his desk.

NIGEL:
Absolutely not. His hair looks like it's been poured out of a cake mold.

GUS and SHAWN laugh.

SHAWN:
Nigel, get ready to feel safe. (walks over to JULIET) Jules, I need complete access to the theater. Green rooms, air shafts, spokesmodels...

JULIET:
Whoa, whoa, slow down. We need to think this through. Come up with a plan. You'll need to blend. Obviously the local police already know you so a false identity...

SHAWN:
I already have a plan.

JULIET:
You have a plan?

NIGEL:
What is it?

SHAWN:
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted us to be stealth.

INT. AMERICAN DUOS STAGE, DAY

The judges are sitting at the table. NIGEL takes a sip of water.

NIGEL:
Bring on the next contestants.

SHAWN and GUS walk onstage, contestant numbers pinned to their shirts. LESTER follows them.

LESTER:
Presenting Shawn Spence Starr and Gus TT Showbizz. Good luck, guys.

NIGEL lowers his head to his hands and JULIET, standing backstage, drops her jaw in surprise.

GUS:
Hello.

EMILINA:
(looks at a notecard) So, what do you two hope to get out of the competition?

SHAWN:
Just hope to be here long enough to do something awesome.

EMILINA:
Mmm-hmm. Well, you know, round one is the most... (stares into space)

Everyone stares at her, waiting.

NIGEL:
Why don't you just go ahead?

GUS:
Warm up.

SHAWN:
(singing) I keep

GUS:
(singing) Tonight

SHAWN:
(singing) I keep

GUS:
(singing) Tonight

NIGEL:
You're warm. You're red hot.

SHAWN:
(singing) Talking away I don't know wha- What to say... I'll say it anyway.

GUS:
(singing) Slowly learning that life is okay.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Wrong verse. (singing) I'll be coming for your love okay. Take on me.

GUS:
(singing) Take on me.

The judges and JULIET listen in horror as SHAWN and GUS “mutilate” A-ha.

SHAWN:
(singing) Take me on.

GUS:
(singing) Take on me.

SHAWN:
(screeches) I'll be gone.

GUS:
(screeches) In a dream.

LESTER:
Really?

NIGEL:
Well. That was, um, something.

EMILINA:
Mmm-hmm. (bends shoe in hands)

SHAWN:
Something awesome.

EMILINA:
Honestly, guys. Bad news. I mean, this is gonna hurt. (puts foot on table to slip on shoe) Although I do love your style because you both chose to wear purple. But I think we need to be fort... forth... ford... forthright in saying that...

NIGEL:
That we cannot even begin to understand how brilliant that was.

EMILINA:
“Brilliant”? Are you crazy?

NIGEL:
It was real. It was rough. Post-post-postmodern, yet challenging. Sandpaper-esque.

EMILINA:
(stammers) They weren't even singing the same verse. I'm voting no.

NIGEL:
I'm voting yes.

EMILINA:
Well, it's up to Zapato.

NIGEL:
He votes yes.

EMILINA:
He hasn't even spoken.

NIGEL:
He doesn't need to.

EMILINA:
Zapato?

NIGEL:
Votes yes.

LESTER:
Come on!

NIGEL:
Jam a cork in it, Lester. We're moving on.

EMILINA:
Oh! (gets up and walks away)

LESTER:
Nigel, we all saw what happened with the Indian kid on that other show and...

ZAPATO leaves as well.

NIGEL:
(stands) Next!

SHAWN:
Look out!

A large spotlight falls where ST NIGEL had been sitting.

SHAWN:
(clears throat) Sweet! See you guys in round two.

**************************************************************************
PSYCH

“American Duos”
By
Steve Franks & James Roday

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
John Landis

**********************************************************************

INT. AMERICAN DUOS, STAGE, DAY

NIGEL confronts LESTER.

NIGEL:
Lester, this is ludicrous! I almost died...again!

LESTER:
Oh, it was an accident! Any fool could see that. We've had too many costly delays already. You're paranoid, Nigel! That thing could've almost landed on any one of us.

NIGEL:
But it didn't, Lester. It landed on me, you daft punk!

NIGEL storms off and LESTER makes a face at his retreating back.

INT. AMERICAN DUOS, BACKSTAGE, DAY

GUS and SHAWN find JULIET.

JULIET:
Have you guys gone completely insane?

SHAWN:
No.

JULIET:
What was that?

GUS:
Us advancing to the next round.

JULIET:
You got half the words wrong!

SHAWN:
Jules, those A-ha guys are Norwegian. They didn't even know what they were singing.

JULIET:
What are you planning on singing for round two?

SHAWN:
Yankee Rose, David Lee Roth.

JULIET sighs and drops her head.

SHAWN:
What? Too obvious? No, Gus can sing the guitar part.

JULIET:
Guys, if you're gonna stay in this competition, you're gonna need to step it up. Way up. Now, I have to go. I can't be seen talking to you. And not just because you're undercover.

SHAWN and GUS scoff as JULIET walks away.

INT. AMERICAN DUOS, HOTEL LOBBY, DAY

GUS and SHAWN enter the area where the hopefuls are waiting in line.

GUS:
Well, Nigel's essentially a monster. He's an equal-opportunity bastard. The list of suspects can be narrowed down to everybody. Even I kind of want to kill him.

SHAWN:
So where does that leave us?

GUS:
Well, there have been at least nine incidents that can be counted as attempts on his life... in nine different cities. We have to assume it's someone who's here every week.

SHAWN:
Great.

GUS:
No, not great. That only narrows it down to crew, security, and fans. Most of which are pretty die-hard. We're gonna have to talk to everybody, which is gonna be difficult, because I think I'm developing a polyp.

SHAWN and GUS hear wonderful warm-up singing and see it’s the next guy in line.

SHAWN:
Yo! (they walk over to the guy) I'm Shawn Spence Starr. This is my partner, Gus TT Showbizz.

GUS:
The extra T is for extra talent.

SHAWN:
We just advanced to the second round.

GUY:
(shakes their hands) Congratulations! Bevin. Bevin Rennie Llywellen. I'm next, I think.

GUS:
I think you got us beat with that name already.

SHAWN and GUS laugh falsely.

SHAWN:
Where's your partner?

BEVIN:
I got rid of him. I sing both parts.

GUS:
The show's called American Duos.

BEVIN:
It's my hook. Everyone needs a thing, right? I learned that last year. Good luck, dudes. (walks past them to tryout)

SHAWN:
He did it.

GUS:
Him? You talk to one dude and you're done?

SHAWN:
His name is Bevin Rennie Llywellen.

They hear a loud whooping and a tall man dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt comes out of the audition room waving a cowboy hat.

MAN:
We made it!

A sullen, shorter man follows him. The MAN walks up to SHAWN and GUS.

MAN:
Hey, you fellow winners! Chance Cade. This here's my brother Rance. We just made it to the next round too.

RANCE just stares at them.

SHAWN:
Rance? Nice.

CHANCE:
Nigel just called us a curious cocktail of inbreeding and type 2 diabetes. But then he passed us through anyway.

SHAWN:
That's hitting below the belt.

CHANCE:
Yeah, well, Australian people are mean. (to RANCE) Hey, let's go.

The brothers leave.

SHAWN:
I was wrong, they did it.

GUS:
Shawn.

INT. AMERICAN DUOS, AUDITORIUM, DAY

A duo rehearses their dance steps, LESTER is on the phone, EMILINA and ZAPATO are getting makeup and SHAWN and GUS are up on a catwalk overlooking the auditorium.

GUS:
The stalker could've accessed the fallen light from up here.

SHAWN:
He sure could've.

LESTER looks up and sees SHAWN and GUS. SHAWN sees JULIET behind the dancers copying their moves. LESTER comes up next to them and grabs SHAWN by the arm.

LESTER:
You supposed to be up here?

SHAWN:
Define "supposed to be”.

EXT. LOT OUTSIDE NIGEL’S TRAILER, DAY

GUS and SHAWN knock on the door if NIGEL’S trailer. HE opens the door wearing a silk robe and a green facial mudpack.

NIGEL:
How do you expect me to carry you two howler monkeys through tomorrow?

SHAWN:
Whoa.

GUS:
Well, I might've been a little pitchy. I had a dairy-heavy Jamba Juice.

NIGEL:
Stop the excuses. Step it up! I cannot carry you through another round. (steps onto the ground next to them) I think I preferred the stalker. (takes a cigarette from a case)

SHAWN:
Don't.

NIGEL:
Don't what?

SHAWN:
Uh, smoke. Those things'll kill you.

NIGEL:
Well, add them to the list.

SHAWN looks around and sees an open fuel line near a cut electrical wire.

SHAWN:
Stop! (wraps his arms around NIGEL)

NIGEL:
I do not have physical contact with people with arm hair! (shoves SHAWN away)

SHAWN:
That case. (takes case from NIGEL’S pocket)

NIGEL:
Was a gift from Les McKeown of the Bay City Rollers. It's a very expensive bla...

SHAWN throws the case into the puddle of fuel causing sparks and a small fire. NIGEL faints.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER strides down the hall towards BUZZ.

LASSITER:
How many do we got, officer?

BUZZ:
Alot. You're sure that you wanted everybody who was in the building?

They continue down the stairs where we see it crowded with contestants.

LASSITER:
Well, that's what I said, isn't it? Everybody inside, everybody outside. It's attempted murder. I'm not screwing around here.

BUZZ:
Okay, but...

LASSITER:
Just stop talking and open the door, please.

BUZZ opens the door to the interrogation room and precedes LASSITER inside.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY

LASSITER:
Really, McNab, you might want to open your ears for once. You could learn... (stops when he sees SHAWN and GUS sitting at the table before turning to BUZZ) Go get me some coffee. (BUZZ leaves and shuts the door) Great. What are you two doing down at that competition?

GUS:
We're looking for our big break.

SHAWN:
Do I get a phone call?

LASSITER:
No, I am trying to conduct an investigation. Out!

SHAWN:
Don't you want to ask us if we did it?

GUS:
Ask him. I plead the Fifth.

LASSITER fumes.

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

SHAWN chuckles as he and GUS go upstairs. JULIET is standing there.

SHAWN:
What's happening, undercover partner?

JULIET:
No public discussion of your undercover business.

SHAWN:
We need a choreographer.

GUS:
You need a choreographer.

JULIET:
You both have many needs. So?

SHAWN:
So I'm getting a very strong vibration that you can dance.

JULIET:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Well, I did go to cheerleader camp. For two weeks. I got kicked out.

GUS:
Kicked out?

JULIET:
Yeah, it's a long story. Suffice to say I don't like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap 'em a little bit on the back of the head.

SHAWN:
Jules, listen. I can feel in my heart that you can get into the groove. Now, we need to step it up. Literally. And we need to stomp the yard. Figuratively. We've advanced to round two. This is an elite class of performer.

JULIET:
Shawn, 97 teams have advanced to round two.

SHAWN:
We're out of time. You're all we've got. Everything's riding on this! Step up to the plate!

JULIET:
Guys. (JULIET motions them to the side of the hall) Sit.

SHAWN and GUS sit on the bench.

JULIET:
Okay, look. The only time I have ever danced publicly was in a high school performance of Everybody Hip-Hop!, which closed after two performances.

SHAWN:
Jules, all we do is argue. Gus is very stubborn. We need a guiding force. A Svengali, if you will.

JULIET:
Shawn, I'm a detective, not a Svengali.

SHAWN:
Jules, I...

JULIET:
Shawn, I think I would know if I were a Svengali.

SHAWN:
Fine. Whatever. I guess my heart vibes are jammed. Never mind.

SHAWN gets up and walks away. GUS stands, looks at JULIET and then leaves.

JULIET:
(sighs) Wait.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY

LASSITER is sitting casually at the table looking through an open file as ZAPATO checks his reflection in the two-way mirror.

LASSITER:
So what exactly do you do on the show, Zepado?

ZAPATO:
Zapato.

LASSITER:
It's immaterial.

ZAPATO:
(chuckles) I'm a judge.

LASSITER:
What kind of judge?

ZAPATO:
A talent judge. On camera. I sit on the far left.

LASSITER:
Really?

ZAPATO:
Have you seen the show?

LASSITER:
Yeah, a hundred times. I'm sure I would've remembered you.

ZAPATO:
(laughs) I can't believe this. I was the first person hired for the show. My first record went gold. (sings) Mírame. (points two fingers at his eyes)

LASSITER:
Well, you are spinning yourself into circles, whoever you are. Maybe you should go outside and rethink your story.

ZAPATO:
What story?

LASSITER:
Exactly. Get him out of here.

ZAPATO stands and an officer escorts him out.

LASSITER:
Keep an eye on that one. (hands the officer the file) Who's next?

BUZZ enters and hands LASSITER a file. EMILINA walks in behind him. She is a little “out of it”.

LASSITER:
Yeah, great, the Bride of Frankenstein. Have a seat.

EMILINA:
(sits) What am I doing here?

LASSITER:
Well, let's see. Your trailer's right next to Nigel's. You hate him. And you can't seem to account for your whereabouts for most of the last 60 days.

EMILINA:
Everybody hates Nigel.

LASSITER:
And everybody loves Raymond. But everybody doesn't have a vacant sense of morality and an assault with a deadly weapon charge on their record.

EMILINA:
That was a publicity stunt. The "weapon" was a forklift and I was drunk on a spray bottle of Charlie.

LASSITER:
Well, I'm gonna need some answers, and fast. Otherwise you and I are gonna turn on the hot lights, do the Lindsay Hop and see who cracks first.

EMILINA:
Now you're trying to seduce me.

LASSITER:
I never thought I would make this sound in my lifetime, but... ew.

INT. HOTEL, HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS follow NIGEL down the hall to his room.

NIGEL:
You left me alone half the day.

SHAWN looks at a room service tray and sees a sandwich held together with a pick shaped like a sword.

SHAWN:
You were at a police station.

NIGEL:
You'll never make it as bodyguards.

GUS:
We're not bodyguards.

NIGEL:
You'll never make it as anything.

NIGEL unlocks his door and they enter the suite.

INT. HOTEL, NIGEL’S SUITE, DAY

Food is set on a table as they walk in.

NIGEL:
Oh, thank God! I'm starving.

SHAWN:
What do you got there?

NIGEL:
My standing order.

NIGEL removes the lid from his lunch and hums as he shakes on some salt and pepper. He lifts the sandwich to his mouth.

SHAWN:
Wait! (grabs the sandwich from NIGEL)

NIGEL:
Give it back!

SHAWN:
No.

NIGEL:
Give it back!

SHAWN:
No. (throws sandwich across the room)

NIGEL:
What is it with you and throwing things? (picks up other half of sandwich)

SHAWN:
Don't eat that!

NIGEL:
Why the devil not?

SHAWN:
'Cause I'm getting a very strong feeling about this sandwich. It's...

GUS:
Delicious?

SHAWN:
No.

GUS:
Herb-crusted?

SHAWN:
No! It's not from the hotel kitchen.

NIGEL:
And?

SHAWN:
And...it's poisoned.

NIGEL drops the sandwich.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, NIGHT

SHAWN, GUS, VICK and NIGEL are sitting around a table. VICK is on her laptop, NIGEL is looking through a paper as SHAWN and GUS play cards. LASSITER enters the room.

LASSITER:
Well, it stings, but it looks like Spencer was right. According to the toxicology reports, there's enough drugs to kill a Clydesdale in that tuna niçoise salad sandwich.

NIGEL:
You see, your hotel detail couldn't even manage one room.

LASSITER:
Well, pardon me, but I'm not the one out ordering room service with a big target painted on my back.

NIGEL:
It was a standing order!

VICK:
We're almost through with the screen of your room, Mr. St. Nigel. You can return when we clear it.

SHAWN:
Fantastic, because to be honest, Gus and I have slightly more pressing issues at the moment. We need to rehearse.

INT. SBPD, HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS exit VICK’S office.

GUS:
How did you know that sandwich didn't come from the kitchen?

SHAWN:
Easy, there were only 83 sesame seeds on his bun. All the other ones from the hotel have 87.

GUS:
Are you serious?

SHAWN:
No. The other ones have swords. Nigel's had a tooth pick. I'm not Rain Man, Gus.

GUS:
You sing like Rain Man.

They point at each other.

LASSITER:
Spencer! You missed something. We found prints.

SHAWN:
Was he in a little red corvette?

GUS:
Under the cherry moon?

LASSITER:
Fingerprints! They belong to Emilina Saffron. So do the drugs we found in the food. Cross-referenced them with her prescriptions and her medical records. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get a warrant. (leaves)

SHAWN:
Emilina?

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, NIGHT

EMILINA is sitting at the table as LASSITER stands by the door and simply watches, chewing on a matchstick.

EMILINA:
Where am I? Hello? Hey, I need my bag! (eyes focus on LASSITER) Mr. Bean. Thank God it's you. I really need my bag, please.

LASSITER:
And I need a confession. (sits across from her)

EMILINA:
I have a kid in Milwaukee. The father's Samoan. Can I now please have my bag, Tony Randall?

LASSITER:
(removes matchstick) I was thinking something more along the lines of... "I tried to kill Nigel St. Nigel by poisoning his tuna Nicoise salad sandwich with a dangerous cocktail of prescription medications I happen to carry with me at all times." (puts matchstick back in his mouth) Unquote.

EMILINA:
I have no idea what you just said.

LASSITER:
You're an even worse liar than my ex-wife.

EMILINA:
Ex-wife?

LASSITER:
Well, I mean, we're separated.

EMILINA:
Oh. So what you're trying to tell me is that you got a little hole in your heart? (takes LASSITER’S hands in hers) Come on. Fill it with Saffron.

LASSITER:
(nervously gets up and backs away) Okay... you know, I'm gonna go get a bite. And, uh, you think long and hard about what you did. And I'll come back, say, sometime tomorrow afternoon.

EMILINA:
I need my bag!

LASSITER:
Oh, I know. Don't worry. I'll take good care of it. (leaves)

EMILINA:
No, I need my bag now!

INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, NIGHT

VICK is standing in the room as LASSITER joins her. In the interrogation room, EMILINA grips her head in her hands and shakes it as she “freaks out” in some form of withdrawl.

VICK:
I don't know, Detective.

LASSITER:
Oh, come on. Please don't tell me you're buying this dog and pony show. It's an act. It's the perfect cover-up.

VICK:
Well, it's pretty convincing.

LASSITER:
Oh, she's good, but I'm better. I'm gonna crack her like a bad back.

VICK:
Please don't.

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

JULIET is dressed in what could be 80s dance gear complete with leg warmers, headband and off-the-shoulder sweatshirt as she prepares to teach SHAWN and GUS to dance. She starts the CD player and “Shout” by Tears for Fears begins. JULIET stands in front of SHAWN and GUS and the three start the routine. She then gets a little carried away and SHAWN and GUS just watch until she turns around and they fake the finish. Frustrated, JULIET turns off the CD.

GUS:
Damn, girl!

SHAWN:
It's okay, Jules. You can be straight with us. We can handle it.

JULIET:
Really? 'Cause that was awful.

GUS:
Awful?

JULIET:
(like drill sergeant) Can I teach you how to crump? Maybe. That's up to you. But I can't reach inside of you and make you want this. I mean, absolutely need this. The way that both Hall and Oates used to need it. Well, Oates a little bit more, probably. This has to come from inside here. And deep, deep, deep... inside here.(puts a hand to her gut)

SHAWN:
Jules. You do realize that there is a suspect in custody and the case is just about closed.

JULIET:
Is that what this laissez-faire, half-baked effort is about, huh? The case? I thought you were in it to win it!

SHAWN:
Jules, are you feeling okay?

JULIET:
Sharp as cheddar. You know, I wouldn't put all my eggs in Emilina's basket, Shawn. She's barely lucid enough to form word endings, much less plan a series of attacks on Nigel's life.

SHAWN:
She could be like Keyser Soze.

GUS:
With one shoe.

JULIET:
I think, until we get a confession, we gotta keep our eyes on the prize. Now let's take it back to the broken melting robot, huh? Gus... watch me! 5, 6, 7, 8...

JULIET starts doing the Robot and GUS and SHAWN slowly follow.

INT. HOTEL, NIGEL’S SUITE, DAY

NIGEL is sitting at the table singing “She’ll be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain” softly. There’s a knock on the door and he gets up and peers through the peephole to see BUZZ waiting outside. NIGEL opens the door.

BUZZ:
(holds up shopping bag) Instant noodles, Danish, Diet Coke.

NIGEL:
Took you long enough. (takes the bag) I assumed that You see what I'm reduced to? I can't even eat real food.

BUZZ:
I'll take the noodles if you don't want them.

NIGEL glares at BUZZ who steps back into the hall, closing the door behind him.

NIGEL:
Here we go.

NIGEL pours bottled water into the noodles and then puts it into the microwave, continuing his singing. He sits back down in the chair and picks up a newspaper. He sniffs the air. There is a knock on the door and NIGEL opens it for BUZZ.

NIGEL:
Oh, bugger off, you silly giraffe.

BUZZ:
Is something burning in here?

They both sniff the air.

NIGEL:
What is that?

The microwave beeps as the timer counts down. BUZZ grabs NIGEL and pulls him out into the hall seconds before the microwave explodes taking half the room down.

INT. HOTEL, HALL, DAY

NIGEL and BUZZ are lying on the floor covered in dust and glass, the officer’s arms wrapped around the older man.

BUZZ:
You all right?

NIGEL:
Peachy. Now let me go.

BUZZ releases NIGEL.

EXT. DAY

GUS pulls the Echo off to the side of the road near the water.

INT. ECHO, DAY

NIGEL is in the back seat. GUS and SHAWN look like they are at the end of their tether.

NIGEL:
Are we there yet? I feel like I've been incarcerated in a blueberry.

GUS:
Shawn.

NIGEL:
This car makes me want to weep and then die.

GUS:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
Nigel, you asked for a safe house where absolutely no one can find you. That means we have to venture off the beaten path just a little. Relax.

EXT. DAY

They get out of the car and walk around to the driver’s side. NIGEL is none too happy about where they are.

NIGEL:
Good Lord! Who lives here? The Boringtons?

They’re outside HENRY’S house.

SHAWN:
(turns to GUS) There's a better-than-decent chance this goes poorly.

GUS:
I don't care. I'm starving. (starts for the house)

INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY

LASSITER is sitting with his feet up on the window sill as he eats a sandwich while EMILINA is lying on the table in the interrogation room. She sits up suddenly, scratching her head with a shoe. She stops in realization.

EMILINA:
Wait! Hey! (throws shoe at mirror) Hey, I remember something! (stands and presses against the mirror) Hurry up, I'm lucid. I'm not kidding. Come in here right now and bring my bag. Hello? Come on! Come on, Count Chocula! I know you're in there! Don't make me pee on something. Again!

LASSITER gets up in a hurry.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY

LASSITER enters the room.

EMILINA:
Well, it took you long enough, I'm dying in here.

LASSITER:
Yeah, it's called withdrawal. Are you ready to confess?

EMILINA:
No, see, that's the thing. First of all, I remember somebody getting into my purse yesterday.

LASSITER:
When?

EMILINA:
I don't remember, but I was sleeping, and they were diggin' around in my purse right in front of me.

LASSITER:
Well, who was it?

EMILINA:
I can't be sure. I thought I was dreaming. But it might've been a werewolf.

LASSITER:
Might've been?

EMILINA:
Yes, and another thing... I wasn't even at the hotel this morning! I slept on a car in the parking lot. That makes me innocent.

LASSITER:
You slept on a car?

EMILINA:
Well, yeah. It... it's a long story. I usually sleep in the lifeguard station, but I didn't want to make a scene, so...

LASSITER:
Your fingerprints are all over Nigel's room.

EMILINA:
We hook up sometimes. I went to his room yesterday to see if he was lonely. It was a moment of weakness. (LASSITER heads for the door) A girl's got needs.

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT

SHAWN, GUS and NIGEL are sitting at the table. NIGEL is wearing a plush white robe. HENRY enters with a platter of steaks and begins to serve.

HENRY:
All right, gentlemen. Prepare to taste the most succulent, evenly-marinated beef that you have ev... Is that my robe?

NIGEL:
It is indeed, Horace. And it is comforting me at an elite spa level. I think I should also point out that I'm absolutely famished and those filets actually smell promising.

SHAWN:
Sweet. (prepares to pour steak sauce)

GUS:
(takes steak sauce from SHAWN) That's what I'm talking about.

HENRY:
It's Henry. They're rib eyes. (drops steak onto NIGEL’S plate and NIGEL stares at him) Is there a problem?

NIGEL:
Well, look at it. It's still got the marks where the jockey was hitting it.

INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY

EMILINA is sitting on the table when LASSITER enters.

LASSITER:
You're free. (gives EMILINA her bag) Parking lot attendants confirmed your alibi.

EMILINA:
(hugs bag) So I can go? (kisses bag)

LASSITER:
The sooner the better. (EMILINA hugs him) And for God's sakes, take a shower.

EMILINA:
I'll never forget you. What was your name again?

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT

The four are sitting at the table; SHAWN and GUS on one side, HENRY and NIGEL on the other. HENRY pauses eating when he sees NIGEL staring at him.

NIGEL:
Nose hair trimmer. Invest.

HENRY:
Can you even remember what it felt like to be able to move the muscles in your face?

NIGEL:
Who decorated this place? Kris Kristofferson?

GUS:
(looks over at a counter) Is that... Damn! (gets up from the table)

HENRY:
I built that table.

NIGEL:
Really? I'm pretty sure if I were to build a table, I would start by using wood that had never drifted.

HENRY:
All right, you know... (drops cutlery on plate) That's it.

NIGEL:
Already? I'm just getting started. I've got a sonnet for each piece of fish paraphernalia.

HENRY:
Oh, yeah? Well I got an ice-cold can of whip-ass just sitting in that fridge!

SHAWN:
Actually, that's diet whip-ass.

GUS returns and sits at the table with a plate of corn on the cob.

GUS:
Yeah!

SHAWN reaches for a cob and GUS slaps his hand away.

GUS:
You must be out of your damn mind!

SHAWN:
Dude, you have three full cobs!

GUS:
I will slap you, Shawn.

NIGEL:
Now, tell me... are you absolutely certain that this cow shoulder on my plate is in fact dead? I'm just asking.

HENRY:
That's it, take off the robe! (stands) Wearing that robe is a privilege and you, pal, have just lost it!

NIGEL:
I steadfastly refuse. This is the plushiest, most opulent robe I've ever had the pleasure of wearing.

HENRY:
Well, there's one thing we could agree on. Now give it up.

NIGEL:
No. I feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy.

HENRY:
You either take it off, or I'll take it off for you.

SHAWN:
Dad, I don't think you're thinking this through.

HENRY:
Shawn! (points at SHAWN)

SHAWN:
Dad, I'm pretty sure he's going commando under...

SHAWN makes an attempt to grab a cob and GUS slaps his hand. SHAWN pulls his hand away with a cry.

GUS:
Keep playin', Shawn. Go ahead.

HENRY:
What kind of sick bastard goes commando underneath another man's robe?

NIGEL smiles smugly.

SHAWN:
(stands quickly) All right, all right. All right! (takes HENRY by the arm and leads hum from the room) Come with me. Come with me! Come on!

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

SHAWN pushes HENRY into the room in front of the fireplace. They argue face-to-face.

SHAWN:
Dad, just walk it off.

HENRY:
(whispers) He's not staying here. He violated basic robe code.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Robe code violation, check.

HENRY:
(whispers) Look, Shawn, there's a reason this guy's on the run. He's been here ten minutes, even I want to kill him!

SHAWN:
(whispers) That's the problem, Dad. How do I protect him from everybody?

HENRY:
(whispers) You've already got a suspect in jail.

SHAWN:
(whispers) She was just released. Now we have a plethora of suspects and no way to narrow them down.

HENRY:
(whispers) It's easy, tighten your focus. Who does he victimize the most?

GUS:
(from doorway) Is that peach cobbler in the fridge for everybody?

INT. HOTEL, EMILINA’S BATHROOM, NIGHT

EMILINA enters the bathroom and walks over to the sink, putting her bag on the counter.

EMILINA:
(talks to herself) I'm sorry. Not today. I don't think so. I showed them! (sprays on perfume) It'll all go away. Mmm. It was funny. (sees a shadow in the shower reflected in the mirror) Nigel! (turns around and walks towards shower) Naughty! I hope you have some food in there.

The figure, clad in black, attacks EMILINA, pushing her into the counter. EMILINA pushes against the counter with her bare feet and the fall back into the shower. The assailant takes out a hypodermic needle and injects the contents into EMILINA.

INT. HOTEL, LOBBY, DAY

VICK is there with a number of officers along with SHAWN, GUS, NIGEL, ZAPATO and LESTER.

VICK:
Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster, I'm afraid I have some unfortunate news. Emilina Saffron was found in the bathroom of her hotel suite this morning. She was clinging to life and has been rushed to St. Thomas of the Apostles. And so far all signs point to an overdose of some sort. But we are fully investigating the matter.

SHAWN:
Overdose?

VICK:
She injected herself with enough tranquilizers to kill an adult rhinoceros.

NIGEL:
But how did she escape?

VICK:
Mr. St. Nigel, Ms. Saffron was released this morning after her alibi checked out. She is the last person that you should be worried about now.

NIGEL:
We have to cancel the show.

LESTER:
Are you kidding? Look, I don't want to seem insensitive, but this is the third time this season she's been in the ICU.

NIGEL:
Not like this. I will not go on. I'll be a sitting duck out there.

VICK:
I will personally oversee your security detail, Mr. St. Nigel.

LESTER:
We'll all be out there together. You'll be just fine. Suck it up. (checks watch) Now I gotta bolt. I'm way late for my Pilates. (leaves)

ZAPATO walks over, puts a hand on NIGEL’S shoulder and sighs before leaving.

INT. HOTEL, HALL, DAY

SHAWN and GUS make their way down the hall, backs against the wall.

GUS:
Lester Beacon sure didn't seem too broken up about Emilina.

SHAWN:
He sure didn't. Plus, his hair.

GUS:
Shawn, we're in a hallway, staying close to the wall doesn't make us invisible.

SHAWN:
(pauses) Agree to disagree. (continues)

GUS:
You have a plan yet?

SHAWN:
Gus, I'm a lyrical gangster. I'll use some colorful vernacular and if necessary, you'll engage in fisticuffs.

GUS:
Sshhh.

They pause and hear a whirring sound. They press themselves against the wall. An elderly man in a scooter chair goes past them down the hall. When he is gone, they relax, gasping.

SHAWN:
(panting) That was close.

GUS:
Too close.

They make their way down another hall and SHAWN stops outside a room.

SHAWN:
Ah. No guard.

GUS:
We did all that sneaking around because you thought they put a guard at Emilina's empty hotel room?

SHAWN:
Seemed like a decent theory at the time.

GUS:
You better have the key.

SHAWN pulls the key card from his shirt pocket.

INT. HOTEL, EMILINA’S BATHROOM, DAY

SHAWN switches on the lights.

GUS:
What are we looking for?

SHAWN:
Beats me. Damn. Seems clean.

GUS sighs and leaves the room. SHAWN switches off the lights. On the wall by the door he sees a reflected prism. He turns the lights on, it disappears. He turns them off again and it reappears. He looks around for the source and sees a light coming from the toilet. He walks over, kneels in front of it and looks inside where he sees a crystal pendant at the bottom. He remembers that BEVIN had one just like it on a chain around his neck. GUS walks by the door and sees SHAWN bending over the toilet.

GUS:
(enters) That's what you get for drinking whole milk, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Dude, I have bones like granite. (looks at GUS) And we just got ourselves a clue. (stands)

GUS:
What is it?

SHAWN:
I don't know. Reach in there and fish it out.

GUS:
I'm not putting my hand in there. You do it.

SHAWN:
Gus, I found it. You get it. That's how it works.

GUS:
I'm not putting my hand in Emilina Saffron's toilet water, Shawn.

SHAWN pulls out his phone and dials.

SHAWN:
Jules! I'm getting some really serious vibrations here. They're coming from Emilina's hotel room. You gotta get us in there as soon as possible. Oh, and, uh... Bring gloves.

>>> LATER >>>

They re-enter the room with JULIET.

SHAWN:
Oh, my God! It's just as I imagined. (puts his hands to his head) Oh, I am feeling something in here.

JULIET:
Right here?

SHAWN:
Did you bring the gloves?

JULIET:
Yeah, I brought the gloves. Why do I need gloves?

SHAWN:
I feel a sparkle. That! (points in the toilet)

JULIET looks into the toilet and sees the pendant.

JULIET:
Wow, Shawn, that's amazing. How did you know that?

SHAWN:
(exhales) I feel things. Deeply.

JULIET:
Yeah.

JULIET puts on the gloves and reaches into the water to get the pendant. He puts it in an evidence bag.

SHAWN:
I need to speak with Emilina right away.

JULIET:
She's mostly comatose, Shawn.

SHAWN:
We probably won't know the difference.

JULIET:
All right. (leaves)

GUS:
Dude!

GUS does a celebratory dance as SHAWN jumps in place.

SHAWN:
That crystal was on the...

GUS:
I know!

SHAWN:
Go back to the office, see if you can get some info on him.

GUS:
Okay.

They run from the room.

INT. HOSPITAL, EMILINA’S ROOM, DAY

EMILINA is lying unconscious on the bed. LASSITER is sitting in the chair at her bedside. JULIET and SHAWN enter the room through the collection of balloons at the doorway. SHAWN is carrying a pineapple with a pink bow on it.

JULIET:
Knock, knock! You have a visitor.

LASSITER:
(stands) What is Spencer doing here?

SHAWN:
Look, I insisted. Emilina's my favorite judge. (sets pineapple down) I used to have such a crush on her in high school. You know, before she started eating glue and whatnot. Has she said anything?

LASSITER:
No. Not yet. But I will be right here when she does. I can tell you that. (brushes hair from her face)

SHAWN:
That's... very gentle.

LASSITER:
I misjudged her. She was innocent. Crying out for help in her own sad, potentially disease-ridden way. I cut her off at the arms. Judged the book by its filthy, loathsome... wickedly erotic cover.

EMILINA opens her eyes.

EMILINA:
Look at me!

LASSITER:
(leans over) I'm here, baby.

EMILINA:
(slaps his face) Look... (points with two fingers) at me! (points back at her eyes)

SHAWN, JULIET and LASSITER look at EMILINA, waiting for more. EMILINA passes out.

SHAWN:
I think she's trying to tell us something.

JULIET:
That someone's looking at her?

LASSITER:
I was looking at her.

SHAWN’S cellphone rings and he reaches into his pocket to take it out. He reads the screen.

SHAWN:
I should take this. (steps out of the room)

INT. HOSPITAL, HALL, DAY

SHAWN stands by a religious statue.

SHAWN:
Yo!

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY

GUS is sitting at his desk in front of his laptop.

GUS:
Get ready to be happy, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Did you find him?

GUS:
I didn't just find him. I found him, found him, found him, and found him. (pulls up multiple videos of BEVIN trying out for American Duos) I knew this dude looked familiar. He's been at every stage of the competition, in every city, doing his best William Hung at every stop.

SHAWN:
Okay, let's try that again, and leave out the reference you know means nothing to me.

GUS:
He's singing badly on purpose, Shawn, knowing full well he wouldn't advance. That way he could re-enter the competition in every city at every stop.

SHAWN:
(nervously moves away from statue) That's nefarious.

GUS:
But he couldn't have done this on his own. Now we just have to figure out who's helping him from the inside.

SHAWN:
Emilina just said, "Look at me" from her hospital bed.

GUS:
How does that help us?

SHAWN:
Dude! (Spanish accent) “Look at me!”

GUS:
Wait a… (pulls up ZAPATO fan website and an old photo of ZAPATO and a fan) Ten-year-old Bevin Rennie Llywellen? What the... Oh, my God!

SHAWN:
What? What? We have a match?

INT. AMERICAN DUOS STAGE, DAY

CHANCE and RANCE are onstage singing “The Yellow Rose of Texas” as they alternate bobbing up and down.

INT. AMERICAN DUOS, BACKSTAGE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS try to sneak around backstage but knock over a table of paint cans that clatter and roll across the stage, interrupting the brothers. SHAWN and GUS make their way onto the stage. VICK shakes her head.

GUS:
Please, accept our apologies. We just thought you all might want to know that you're in the presence of a homicidal sociopath!

CHANCE:
No, no, no! He's not crazy. No, we got a doctor's note and everything.

SHAWN:
(looks over to the panel and NIGEL is missing) Nigel!

NIGEL:
(gets up from under the table) Just, um... dropped some... items.

SHAWN:
Chief. So glad you're here. I know who's been trying to kill Nigel. (walks across the stage and the spotlight follows)

GUS walks after SHAWN to stay in the spotlight.

GUS:
And who was trying to take out Emilina.

SHAWN:
And who tried to take out Emilina.

NIGEL:
Mr. Spencer, last time I checked, Emilina overdosed on her own prescription medication.

SHAWN:
That's precisely what Bevin Rennie Llywellen wanted you to think.

SHAWN walks closer to the table and GUS follows again.

VICK:
That's really his name?

NIGEL:
That's the wanker who auditioned in every city.

SHAWN:
Just another slice of deception. The truth is, he can sing like a bird, but if you heard that, he wouldn't have to re-audition in every city on the tour. Every city that you almost died in, Nigel. And after Emilina was released, he tried to silence her for good before she could put it all together.

The scene flashes to BEVIN going through EMILINA’S purse as she slept on the car. All she could see was a fuzzy picture on a T-shirt.

NIGEL:
Put what together?

VICK squints against the lights as JULIET and LASSITER bring BEVIN down to the stage in handcuffs.

VICK:
And who might this be, Detectives?

JULIET:
Meet Bevin Rennie Llywellen.

LASSITER:
Ms. Saffron woke up out of her coma, rabbit-punched me in the sternum, and remembered this guy as one of her assailants.

JULIET:
(holds up evidence bag) This crystal puts him at the scene of the crime.

VICK:
So he made an attempt on Emilina's life, allegedly poisoned a tuna salad sandwich…

LASSITER:
Uh, tuna niçoise salad sandwich, Chief. There's a difference.

VICK:
But what about all the other near misses with Nigel?

NIGEL:
But it can't be him. It's impossible. He was just a contestant.

SHAWN raises his hand to his head about to speak, but GUS speaks first.

GUS:
Sounds like he had somebody on the inside.

SHAWN:
(smacks GUS on the chest) He had somebody on the inside, didn't he, Zapato!

Flash again to BEVIN going through EMILINA’S purse and the picture on the shirt is ZAPATO with the word “Mirame” and “Look at Me” underneath.

NIGEL:
(laughs) Don't be ridiculous. Zapato adores me. Plus he can't even think. Oh, it has to be someone else. Um, how about Lester? Oh, I'd love to see him in prison.

SHAWN:
Bevin is Zapato's biggest fan. They actually became pretty good friends. And I don't think this show turned out to be quite the comeback either of them were hoping for. I could go on. But why don't you take the floor, Zapato?

As SHAWN speaks we see BEVIN drop the light, poison the sandwich, set the explosives in the microwave and rig the electrics at NIGEL’S trailer. ZAPATO was the one to drug EMILINA.

NIGEL:
Well, what could he say? He can't even speak.

ZAPATO:
(stands) Yes, I can! But you don't let me. I was the first to sign on. This was supposed to be my show! My shot, my comeback!

SHAWN and GUS fist-bump

ZAPATO:
You turned me into a simp! I freakin' hate you! People don't even know who I am. I get fan letters addressed to Geraldo, Ricky Martin, and that guy from El Pollo Loco commercial!

SHAWN claps and looks at GUS as if it had been driving them crazy as to who he reminded them of.

ZAPATO:
You ruined everything! Why won't you die?

ZAPATO lunges as NIGEL to strangle him but is pulled off by two officers. NIGEL sits there calmly and begins to critique ZAPATO as an assassin.

NIGEL:
Really? That was your plan? That has to be the poorest-executed attack in history. I was two feet away from you all the time. I mean, you have to be absolutely, without doubt, the worst murderer I have ever seen.

Grunting, ZAPATO makes another lunge but is held back by the police.

NIGEL:
Would you get… Would you look... (sings) Mirame.

ZAPATO screams as he is held and NIGEL mimics him.

>>> LATER >>>

American Duos is ready to go live!

LESTER:
Are you ready, Santa Barbara, for the next two contestants on American Duos?

SHAWN and GUS get to re-visit their childhood. SHAWN, dressed as Roland Orzabal, begins to sing “Shout” by Tears for Fears. GUS enters as Michael Jackson in the red leather outfit and the one studded glove. He throws his microphone off to the side past JULIET who does the dance moves with him. GUS does moves from “Thriller” as well as moonwalk. They both end with the robot. The crowd cheers and gives a standing ovation.

LESTER:
All right, give it up for Shawn Spence Starr and Gus TT Showbizz! Great job, gentlemen. Now let's see what our judge thought. Come on over.

LESTER walks them over to NIGEL, the only judge remaining. NIGEL turns to the crowd and raises an eyebrow and the audience quiets.

NIGEL:
Sit.

The audience sits and NIGEL turns his attention to SHAWN and GUS.

NIGEL:
What, are you kidding me? You look like a couple of rodeo clowns up there. Nothing was in synch. Your hairstyles are ridiculous. You butchered a terrific song, and it's time you went home. Please, spare us additional torture and just... euthanize yourselves.

The crowd boos and SHAWN and GUS walk off the stage defiantly, making faces at NIGEL. SHAWN backs into a mic stand and knocks it over and GUS trips.