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jpgrSorry for the delay! I haven't forgotten.
1987
INT. SPENCER HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY
HENRY is sitting at the table reading the paper and having coffee before leaving for work. SHAWN attempts to sneak down the stairs and out the door to school without HENRY realizing.
HENRY:
Shawn, where's that nice new sweater vest your mom just put on you for picture day?
SHAWN:
(stops and slowly turns around, walking back) Yeah, that. It wasn't working for us. We chose the Knight Rider shirt instead. Mom loves K.I.T.T. (walks away)
HENRY:
Do you know how a cop distinguishes when somebody's lying?
SHAWN:
(stops) When it sounds like that.
HENRY:
Go upstairs, put the vest back on. Pictures last forever, Shawn. I want you to look your best.
SHAWN puts down his backpack and goes back upstairs.
PRESENT DAY
EXT. STREET, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS are striding down the sidewalk. SHAWN seems to have made extra effort to dress nice, right down to the snakeskin boots.
GUS:
There's a body in a service elevator?
SHAWN:
No bodies.
GUS:
A dogfighting ring?
SHAWN:
No.
GUS:
A missing snowman?
SHAWN:
Yes, a snowman is missing, but we're not on that case. Relax.
GUS:
I am not working.
SHAWN:
I know you aren't.
GUS:
I do not work on my birthday.
SHAWN:
I think you've made your position clear on that.
GUS:
Then tell me where we're going.
SHAWN:
That's not how a surprise works.
They stop in front of a club holding a private party complete with red carpet and velvet rope. There is a sign saying “Ciao! Is Now”.
SHAWN:
Happy birthday, dude. (chuckles) Welcome to the fall line launch party for Ciao clothing. (grips GUS’ shoulder in a friendly shake) Gorgeous models, fake celebrities. No food, though.
They walk down the carpet.
GUS:
This is the most exclusive event of the year. What's the rub?
A MAN with a clipboard and earpiece looks up as SHAWN and GUS approach.
MAN:
I think you're in the wrong line there, gentlemen.
SHAWN:
I think we're on the V.I.P List.
MAN:
Names?
SHAWN:
Black and Tan.
MAN:
First names?
SHAWN:
No first names. One of us is Black, and one of us is Tan. We're a modeling team. Perhaps you've heard of us.
GUS:
Let's just go.
SHAWN:
We're retired. Just check your list.
The MAN checks the list.
MAN:
Holy crap, it is you. Sorry for the mix-up, Tan. (unclips the rope to let them pass)
SHAWN:
I beg your pardon? My name is Black. His name is Tan. I can't believe you just made that assumption. You should be ashamed of yourself and your family.
They walk past the MAN. GUS rubs his thumb against his nose, his “cool” move.
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
Dance music plays as GUS and SHAWN enter the busy club.
GUS:
Okay, how did you pull that off?
SHAWN:
Well, Ciao's number was in the phone book. I don't ever want to hear again that my Filipino accent doesn't work magic.
GUS:
(looks around at the models) This is one of the most thoughtful presents anyone's ever given me. Oh man, that's Berlinda Desidovicz!
SHAWN:
The waitress?
GUS:
She's not a waitress, she's the model. The one from the Floppy Cakes ad. The third girl on the left on that billboard I always point out.
SHAWN:
You know her name?
GUS:
Her name? I know her life story. She has a fan club. Well, she's putting one together. I'm number one on the interest list. She's one of the most popular models in the entire Santa Barbara downtown area, Shawn. I've been in love with her since the Icy Pops ad.
SHAWN:
She's the one that says, "Gooey".
GUS:
Yes, she's the "Gooey" girl.
SHAWN:
This is huge for you, man! I'll hook it up. (starts to walk away)
GUS:
(grabs SHAWN by the arm) Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can take care of this myself. What you think? Should I pull out the “cheetah”? (holds up hands like claws)
SHAWN:
The “cheetah” is the worst name for a pickup move in the history of mankind. Remember the rule. Treat a woman like a person. Then, a princess. Then, a Greek goddess. Then, a person again. Besides, I think “Operation Colonel Sugar Lemons” is a much better move for a place like this.
GUS:
Cool. (slaps SHAWN on the back and walks away)
SHAWN:
Good luck!
GUS struts over to BERLINDA but another model cuts in front of him. SHAWN smiles at his friend’s awkwardness. He walks around, looking at everyone.
CIAOBELLA:
Oh! Emily! God!
The woman throws down a plastic cup filled with a drink. The younger woman at her side, EMILY, looks down at the floor.
WOMAN ON PA:
Ladies and gentlemen, our Chairman and Founder, Gregor Uwe-Steeb.
SHAWN notices slight discoloration on the first two fingers on CIAOBELLA’S right hand. EMILY starts to clean the spilled drink. The crowd cheers and applauds as GREGOR steps onto the stage, arms open, welcoming the adulation. He comes to a stop in front of the microphone stand which is set too low.
GREGOR:
Thank you. Thank you. (blows a kiss to CIAOBELLA before seeing the stand) Do not worry. I will raise this myself. I'm only the head of the company, and after doing all the design work myself, I was looking forward to some menial work. (puts hands on the stand and is electrocuted)
The lights go out and women scream.
CIAOBELLA:
Gregor! Someone call… Call an ambulance! Somebody! (runs to the stage and kneels beside GREGOR) Gregor! Gregor! Gregor!
GUS comes over to SHAWN and the two watch everything unfold.
SHAWN:
You absolutely sure you don't want to work tonight?
**********************************************************************
PSYCH
“Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion”
By
Steve Franks & James Roday
STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen
DIRECTOR
Mel Damski
**********************************************************************
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
The models are sitting around waiting as the police arrive. SHAWN and GUS are sitting in a booth as two models, BRYAN and HASSENFEFFER, question them.
BRYAN:
You expect us to believe that you model?
SHAWN:
What? That's hard to believe? Whoa, me and my bro here aren't worthy of leering into a little camera lens or Blue Steeling it up occasionally?
HASSENFEFFER:
(German accent) Your bro, of course. His features are immaculate. But you, not so much.
SHAWN:
What? What are you, insane? Help…help me out here, Tan. (slaps GUS on the arm)
GUS:
He's a foot model.
BRYAN:
Well, that makes sense.
SHAWN:
(to GUS) Really? Thanks for that. (to models) He's lying. It was foot and ankle. And I did some hand work, okay? Perhaps you recognize this... (cups hands) from the insurance commercials.
HASSENFEFFER:
I have to go to the bathroom. (to BRYAN) Want to come?
BRYAN:
Okay.
HASSENFEFFER:
Ciao.
SHAWN watches the two models as they leave. GUS can’t take his eyes off BERLINDA as she sits with other models.
GUS:
She seems so bored. So lonely.
SHAWN:
Yeah, but so does everybody here, dude. Did you notice that the mic stand was set too low when Gregor came out on the stage? Why would the mic stand be set so low when he's the only one who was gonna speak tonight?
GUS:
Do you see the clock?
SHAWN:
But what if we stumble upon something huge?
GUS:
What does the clock say, Shawn?
SHAWN:
Fine.
GUS:
Thank you.
SHAWN:
Never mind. It's your birthday. No work, got it.
LASSITER and JULIET make their way through the club, approaching SHAWN and GUS’ booth.
LASSITER:
All right, you will each, one by one, go to the area I've sequestered, state the name of the agency you work for and… (sees SHAWN and GUS) Why am I surprised?
SHAWN:
Usually it's because…
LASSITER:
Just tell me if you've seen anything. (sits next to SHAWN)
SHAWN:
Maybe. Do you suspect foul play?
LASSITER:
Not really. There's no one here with an IQ over 40.
SHAWN:
So, you're asking for our help.
GUS stomps on SHAWN’S foot under the table. JULIET looks under the table.
SHAWN:
(groans) Never mind. We're not available tonight. Wide open tomorrow, though.
EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS walk along the path to the porch. SHAWN is carrying the boots in his hand.
GUS:
What is this about, Shawn?
SHAWN:
Look, my dad insisted I return these by 8:00 A.M. I don't know about you, I plan on sleeping in till at least noon. Especially after we howl all night.
SHAWN bends over to leave the boots outside the door. Music and voices can be heard inside.
GUS:
Whoa. I think somebody's in there.
They hear a woman’s laughter.
SHAWN:
No, that can't be. (peers through window and checks watch) Dude, it's 10:43. He's easily been asleep for two hours. (walks back to GUS)
GUS:
No, I think it's a woman. Listen.
WOMAN:
(muffled) I think there is someone here.
The door is opened and we see Chief VICK with a drink in her hand.
VICK:
Mr. Spencer. How unexpected.
SHAWN:
Chief? (stammers) I just came by to leave these half boots on the doormat. I didn't see anything.
Another woman appears next to VICK.
VICK:
Mr Spencer, please come in. Come in. (grabs SHAWN by the arm and pulls him inside)
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT
GUS follows SHAWN inside.
VICK:
Mr Guster. (closes door and stands next to other woman) I just thought I'd bring my dear friend Susan over to meet your father. She's a lovely, single woman who works at city hall.
GUS:
Oh!
VICK’S cell phone rings.
VICK:
Excuse me. (answers phone) O'Hara, this better be big. You're still at Ciao? The electrical cabling's been tampered with? Okay. Well, this case just changed.
SHAWN listens in on the call.
SHAWN:
Dude...
GUS:
I will kill you, Shawn.
VICK:
All right, get any potentials down to the station. I am on my way. (ends call)(to SUSAN) You’ll be okay?
SUSAN:
Yes.
VICK and SUSAN hug.
VICK:
Okay.
SUSAN:
Bye.
They end the hug.
VICK:
Bye, Henry! Thank you! (leaves)
HENRY enters the room from the kitchen, a beer bottle in his hand. He is surprised to see SHAWN and GUS.
HENRY:
What are you doing here?
SHAWN:
Well, we didn't realize it was ladies night at Club Henry. So I dropped by to return your half boots. (puts boots on bar)
SUSAN:
Wow, Henry, that's some wild-looking footwear.
HENRY:
Yeah... Susan, this is my son Shawn and, Gus.
SUSAN:
Nice to meet you. You can call me Sue. Most people call me Sue B. Because there are two Sues at the office. But obviously that's not really a factor here. (sips wine nervously)
HENRY:
Shawn, could you help me in the kitchen with these? (picks up two plates of hors d’oeuvres and hands one to SHAWN) Thank you. (to SUSAN) We'll be right back.
HENRY goes into the kitchen. As SHAWN follows, he looks back at GUS, completely puzzled.
GUS:
So... heard about Pluto? That's messed up.
SUSAN:
Yeah. (pours some more wine)
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT
Once in the kitchen, SHAWN’S voice returns.
SHAWN:
Really, Dad? Cheese cubes and wieners? What's happening here? Is this some sort of blind date?
HENRY:
Sort of. I don't know. I mean… (looks out into the living room) She's just... what do you call it? Nondescript.
SHAWN:
"Nondescript"? I've never heard a woman described like that unless she was a robbery suspect.
HENRY:
I just don't know. I mean, she's pretty. She's a little boring and prim. I cubed these myself. She didn't even try one. What do you think? What's your opinion?
SHAWN:
I have no opinion of any kind whatsoever.
HENRY:
Shawn, come on. You have an opinion on everything. Especially when it comes to women. What… Just give me your first impression.
SHAWN:
No. (walks out)
HENRY:
Why not?
EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS cross the yard back to the road.
GUS:
You have to get over this. Nobody wants to grow old alone. Maybe a nice lady will help him relax a little.
SHAWN:
New subject, Gus. Did you see the Chief run out of there? Must be something big. You know, I was thinking, there's only 73 minutes left in your birthday. (looks at watch) Actually, 72 minutes.
GUS:
Not until midnight, Shawn. I'm Cinderella, and this is my ball. And I'm not lifting a finger until my carriage turns into a big-ass pumpkin. Got it?
SHAWN:
Got it.
GUS:
Good.
INT. ARCADE, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS are side-by-side sitting at a driving game. GUS gets carried away at the steering wheel. SHAWN only stares at him. They then stop to eat and GUS loads up his hot dog as SHAWN merely slurps his soda through a straw. He passes a napkin to GUS.
GUS:
Thank you.
The clock on the wall reads 11:18.
INT SBPD, HALL, NIGHT
The different models are waiting, all looking quite bored. JULIET and LASSITER enter the hall. JULIET sighs and makes her way through. LASSITER stops when one of the female models won’t get out of his way. She looks down her nose at him and he moves around. Sitting on one of the benches along the wall is EMILY checking her phone.
JULIET:
Okay, where do you want all these people?
LASSITER:
Just put 'em in both interrogation rooms and we'll rove it. Let's go, go, go!
INT. ARCADE, NIGHT
GUS is aggressively playing air hockey, constantly defending his goal. SHAWN is standing at the other end holding the paddle in his hand but not using it. GUS still can’t score a goal.
SHAWN:
So the electrical cable offstage was deliberately severed. The Chief thinks it was done pro. That means...
GUS scores a goal.
GUS:
Whoa! 6-5.
The clock reads 11:36.
INT SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, NIGHT
LASSITER and JULIET are sitting across from HASSENFEFFER.
LASSITER:
You don't remember where you were this afternoon?
HASSENFEFFER:
It was yellow. And boring.
JULIET:
Are we talking about a restaurant?
HASSENFEFFER:
I don't know, maybe. Just write down that it was lame. (to LASSITER) I do like that jacket.
LASSITER:
Really?
HASSENFEFFER:
Somewhere a transient is shivering in the night.
LASSITER slaps the table and stands to make a move towards HASSENFEFFER.
JULIET:
Detective.
INT. ARCADE, NIGHT
GUS and SHAWN are trying the dance machine and not doing very well. The round ends and SHAWN checks his watch before pointing to the clock on the wall. The seconds countdown to midnight.
GUS:
Fine, tell me what you got.
INT SBPD, HALL, NIGHT
LASSITER and JULIET walk up to SHAWN and GUS.
SHAWN:
How's it going, crime fighters?
JULIET:
They're not very forthcoming...or bright.
LASSITER:
One of them cannot confirm the correct spelling of his own name.
GUS:
Did you by chance interview a model named Berlinda? Is she still around?
JULIET:
Gus, we don't have time for this.
SHAWN:
I know, and that's why I'm here to offer our services.
LASSITER:
I'd rather shower with a bear.
SHAWN:
Look, they're only gonna talk to their own kind. Okay? Shallow, judgmental, cruel, and gorgeous. We're already imbedded.
VICK:
(walks up) What do you mean "imbedded"?
SHAWN:
Chief, we may or may not have used deception to get into the party tonight.
BRYAN and HASSENFEFFER walk up.
HASSENFEFFER:
See you at swimwear Wednesday.
BRYAN:
(to SHAWN) Don't let 'em scare you, Tan.
SHAWN:
He's Tan.
GUS:
Right.
BRYAN and HASSENFEFFER leave.
SHAWN:
They think we're models.
GUS:
They think I'm a model.
SHAWN:
Me too.
GUS:
A foot model.
SHAWN:
And ankle, Gus! Dude, that's just ridiculous anyway. Everybody look at my jaw.
SHAWN sucks in his cheeks and poses. GUS scoffs.
VICK:
Well, I've seen enough. You're hired.
LASSITER:
What?
VICK:
Hired. You can look the word up. It’s… Change that tie, detective. Now, Mr Spencer, if you have a moment, I'd like to see you privately.
SHAWN:
Of course, Chief.
SHAWN raises his lip in a Billy Idol sneer before turning and following VICK down the hall to her office.
VICK:
Ciaobella and Gregor are home-grown celebrities. The local media is sharpening its pencils on this one.
INT SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, NIGHT
VICK:
And that is not the kind of press that this department or its interim chief needs. Do I make myself clear?
SHAWN:
Clear as a crystal ball.
VICK:
Good. So tell me... did your father say anything about my friend Susan?
EXT. MODELS’ LOFT, DAY
SHAWN and GUS head up the stairs.
GUS:
They all live here?
SHAWN:
Well, Gregor owns the building. The Ciao studio's across the street. He uses this loft for his prime models.
GUS:
I wonder if it looks like the loft in Head Over Heels.
SHAWN:
You, and only you, can confirm that.
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, LIVING AREA, DAY
CIAOBELLA is filling the gathered models in on the continuing plans for the company. EMILY is at her side, jotting notes in a journal.
CIAOBELLA:
My husband's funeral is tomorrow at 12:25. Be there no later than... 1:15. And I'll have to approve whatever you're wearing. Now, obviously, we have no choice but to continue with the fall line unveiling on Wednesday.
SHAWN and GUS enter the room quietly.
EMILY:
Ma'am, before we move on, should I hire someone to do magnolias tomorrow for the service?
CIAOBELLA:
Well, of course hire someone, Emily! It's not like they grow on trees.
GUS and SHAWN sneak up the stairs.
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, HALL, DAY
SHAWN and GUS reach the top of the stairs and cross the hall to start exploring the rooms.
GUS:
That marriage always seemed weird to me. Like when Liza Minnelli married David Gest.
SHAWN:
Yeah, well, Ciaobella and Gregor lasted eight years, Gus.
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, BEDROOM, DAY
SHAWN lifts a plastic tote onto a bed as GUS goes to the closet.
SHAWN:
I suspect that some of those marble-chiseled simpletons are more devious than they let on. We're gonna have to dig deep and blend in in order to get real answers. (opens the tote)
GUS:
Dude, you thought I was gonna have trouble blending in? I have this shirt, this shirt. Most of these shirts. (takes a shoe from the shelf) And these are my exact Kenneth Coles. (sees framed photo) And that picture of my mom parasailing in Montego Bay. You moved me in?
SHAWN:
Dude, we got lucky. They just threw some guy out. Now we can live it up chic while we catch a killer. Now help me set up my Clapper.
GUS:
I'm not moving in here, Shawn. I don't care how many secrets we uncover.
A female MODEL wrapped in a towel leans against the door frame.
MODEL:
Shower's free. (looks at GUS)
GUS:
I got the window. (looks back at the MODEL)
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, STAIRWELL, DAY
As SHAWN and GUS go downstairs, they meet up with the same model who stared at LASSITER.
SHAWN:
You must be Sigrid. What is that? Cossack?
SIGRID:
Die. (keeps walking)
SHAWN:
You can question her.
GUS:
You know who I'm questioning.
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, LIVING AREA, DAY
SHAWN and GUS reach the bottom of the stairs to see HASSENFEFFER and BRYAN standing there, hands behind their backs.
SHAWN:
What's up, roomies?
The two models share a look.
BRYAN:
Initiation. That's what.
The models throw two silk-covered pillows at SHAWN and GUS.
HASSENFEFFER:
Put 'em up.
GUS:
I'm allergic to pillows.
SHAWN:
Tommy John, both elbows.
GUS and SHAWN reach the bottom of the stairs.
HASSENFEFFER:
Come on. Give me your best shot, Black. (pokes GUS with a pillow)
GUS backhands HASSENFEFFER with his pillow and he flies backwards over the couch. BRYAN rushes over to his friend as he lies on the floor.
SHAWN:
It would really behoove you guys to get our names right in the future.
BERLINDA walks down the stairs.
SHAWN:
Oh, good. Berlinda, you're here. Look, we are so out of the loop. You gotta catch us up on everything, you know. The dead Gregor thing, that awful Ciaobella, the agency…
GUS:
Maybe we can play Truth or Dare.
BERLINDA:
Actually, we were thinking about maybe going to a bar, doing some O2.
SHAWN:
Couldn't we do that after we talk? Because I know I have so many questions.
GUS:
I could be ready in three minutes. (passes pillow to SHAWN before hurrying upstairs)
BERLINDA smiles at SHAWN and walks away. SHAWN rolls his eyes.
EXT. ALLEY, NIGHT
The models – plus SHAWN and GUS – strut down the foggy alley to the strains of “Money” by the Pet Shop Boys.
HENRY:
Shawn!
SHAWN:
Dad? (stops)
The others stop and look over at SHAWN and HENRY. BRYAN and HASSENFEFFER continue on. SIGRID and BERLINDA follow. Of course, GUS follows after BERLINDA.
SHAWN:
How did you find me?
HENRY:
Shawn, I was a detective for 15 years. You're not hard to find. (looks at the models as they reach the road) Was that guy wearing a bra?
SHAWN:
What could possibly be so important that you're here right now?
HENRY:
It's Karen's friend Susan. She called again. Twice in the last two days. Doesn't that reek of desperation?
SHAWN:
No, no, no. This is not happening.
SHAWN starts to go after the others but HENRY pulls him back by the arm.
HENRY:
Shawn, this is ridiculous! You come to me for advice on one of your stupid cases at least once a week. I ask for a simple assist on dating protocol, you can't give it to me? Call me old-fashioned, Shawn.
SHAWN looks over his shoulder as a big stretch limo arrives for the models.
GUS:
(pushes HASSENFEFFER out of the way) I don’t think so. (gets into the limo)
HENRY:
I haven't been pursued by a woman in 33 years. It used to be the other way around, you know.
SHAWN:
Okay, fine, dad, look. Women your age, they don't have time to play games.
SHAWN looks again to see the limo pull away.
HENRY:
She was wearing a cardigan!
SHAWN:
But she saw the inside of your house, and didn't run screaming in horror. Ride the upside. Now, I can't talk about this for one more second because I'm proud of the fact that I have never been in therapy, okay? Goodbye. (backs away from HENRY’S grasp)
HENRY:
Shawn. No! Shawn!
SHAWN jogs to the end of the alley and looks for the limo. Not seeing it, he pulls out his cell phone and dials.
INT. LIMO, NIGHT
The models are partying in the limo, drinking champagne – Sigrid, from the bottle. GUS is laughing like he’s trying to fit in when his phone rings.
GUS:
Hello.
CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –
- CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEY, NIGHT
SHAWN:
Dude, what the hell happened to you guys?
GUS:
Some of the models got creeped out that you hang with your dad all the time.
SHAWN:
What?
GUS:
All right, fine! We were afraid if we hung out with him any longer, we might catch wrinkles. (laughs)
SHAWN:
Just tell me where you're going.
GUS:
Shawn, I can't talk now.
SHAWN:
Gus, you're not being helpful. And we have a case to...
GUS ends the call.
SHAWN:
…solve.
SHAWN looks over and sees EMILY let herself into the Ciao building with a key. He closes his phone and goes over.
INT. CIAO, OFFICE, NIGHT
SHAWN enters the room where EMILY is looking over some sketches. Her back is to the door and she doesn’t see SHAWN enter.
SHAWN:
Miss Bloom.
EMILY gives a startled gasp and drops the papers from her hand.
SHAWN:
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.
They both kneel on the floor to pick up the papers which are design sketches.
EMILY:
It’s okay.
SHAWN:
I'm Black...
EMILY:
I know who you are. You're staying at the loft. You're the one no one believes used to be a model.
SHAWN:
Who's saying these things?
They stand.
EMILY:
I believe you.
SHAWN:
Thank you.
EMILY:
I think your ankles are magnificent.
SHAWN:
Well, I play a lot of ping-pong.
EMILY laughs. SHAWN notices the sketches have EMILY’S initials. He looks over them.
SHAWN:
Wow, these are really good.
EMILY:
Thank you. I've never really shown them to anyone before.
SHAWN:
Why not? I'd totally wear these. This if I was very confused. (holds up a sketch of a bikini and matching robe)
EMILY:
(laughs) Yes. You know, I just let Gregor and Ciaobella do the designs. It's Ciaobella's company now. Well, my lunch break is over.
SHAWN:
It's after 9:00.
EMILY:
Yeah, I kinda work long hours. (sighs) I'm just so far behind, Ciaobella's gonna freak. (crosses room) I've gotta get back to work.
SHAWN:
Okay.
EMILY:
Will I see you tomorrow at the funeral?
SHAWN:
Yes, definitely. (stammers) Um, yeah. I think so, yeah.
EMILY:
Okay. Good. (leaves)
SHAWN:
Well, don't work too hard.
SHAWN walks up to a full-length mirror and makes poses. Realizing what he’s doing, he backs away and leaves.
EXT. MODELS’ LOFT, NIGHT
SHAWN is listening to GUS’ outgoing voicemail message.
GUS:
“Hi, you've reached Burton Guster with Central Coast Pharmaceuticals. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you.”
SHAWN:
Straight to voice mail? That's how we're doing it now? One moderately hot chick comes by, and suddenly I'm invisible? You know what, Gus? That's fine. I'm taking the bunk next to the window. And don't be surprised if your pillow smells faintly of my butt. (ends call)
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, BEDROOM, NIGHT
SHAWN, wearing boxers and a T-shirt, sits on the bed by the closet. He then lies on his back. After a moment, he claps his hands twice and the lights go out.
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, LIVING AREA, DAY
SHAWN comes down the stairs still in his boxers and T-shirt with bed-head and yawning. The models and GUS are sitting at the table or counter already dressed and looking like they’ve been awake for hours already.
SHAWN:
What is this? Did you guys get up at dawn? Dude, you couldn't give me a little shake?
HASSENFEFFER:
We got up five minutes ago.
SIGRID enters the room behind SHAWN, already in black with large sunglasses.
BERLINDA:
Sigrid, we can all go together.
SIGRID:
I would rather eat my own earlobes than spend another hour with you callous monsters. (leaves)
HASSENFEFFER:
That girl's acting like a freak.
SHAWN clears his throat and looks at GUS. After a slight hesitation, GUS gets up and walks over to join SHAWN at the base of the stairs.
SHAWN:
Did you accomplish anything last night besides selling me out for vacant head?
GUS:
Yes, I did. I found out that Berlinda always wanted a pet dwarf bunny as a child. And she loves anything that smells and looks like lavender.
SHAWN:
Sweet. Let's call the Chief and get paid.
GUS:
I also found out that Ciaobella was grilling all of the models because she was convinced that one of them was sleeping with Gregor.
They both look over at the models.
SHAWN:
Really?
GUS:
Yep.
SHAWN:
Well that coupled with the fact that she's drunk with power, treating her sweet little assistant like dirt, give us a pretty good suspect, I'd say. Let's crash a funeral.
EXT. FUNERAL, DAY
A white oriental-style pagoda draped in black houses GREGOR’S open casket. Guests walk past to pay their respects. In front are black folding chairs with black canopies off to the side covering the food and drinks.
BERLINDA:
Oh, my God. Is he wearing Hugo Boss? What a sellout! See you never.
BRYAN:
Good night forever... you bald bastard.
HASSENFEFFER:
(into phone) Hold on. (to GREGOR) It was me who peed in the hot tub. (into phone) Okay, I hear you. I’ll have to talk…
GUS:
You reap what you sow, Uwe-Steeb. Remember that.
SHAWN:
(follows GUS) You don't even know that dude.
GUS:
I'm in character, Shawn. Besides, Berlinda's listening. Shut up.
They move over to the canopy set up as a bar and look out at the gathered guests. EMILY sees SHAWN and waves.
SHAWN:
You know what, man? I didn't want to tell you this. (waves back) Berlinda's the one that couldn't spell her own name.
GUS:
So? You don't know her like I do, Shawn.
SHAWN watches as SIGRID stops to pay her respects. She is holding a note bearing a lipstick kiss with a heart drawn over it.
SHAWN:
Dude!
GUS:
What?
SIGRID slips the note into the pocket of GREGOR’S shirt.
SHAWN:
(whispers) That was a love note. That's a love note. That's a love note. She just hid a love note in the casket. That means Sigrid was Gregor's mistress. Ciaobella found out about it and killed him. I got it!
SHAWN starts to do his “I Solved the Case” dance and GUS grabs his arms.
GUS:
You can't dance at a funeral, Shawn.
SHAWN:
All of a sudden you're the arbiter of good taste?
GUS:
We wait until it's over, and we do it without blowing my cover to Berlinda. She only dates models.
SHAWN:
Wow. Fine, I'll call Jules.
SHAWN and GUS pick up their drinks and move to take their seats for the service.
>>> LATER >>>
JULIET and LASSITER arrive as CIAOBELLA clears her throat and walks to the center of the pagoda. SIGRID is the only one crying.
CIAOBELLA:
Well, thank you all for coming. We gather today not to mourn the passing of my dead husband... (sees HASSENFEFFER on the phone) Hassenfeffer! But rather to celebrate all that he once was. While I will always miss Gregor Uwe-Steeb, whose real name was Gregory Lipstanski, I encourage you all not to cry. But to drink and laugh and dance as we remember a man who once thought a belt made of dried bits of panther was a good idea. Good-bye, my love. Oh, Gregor.
CIAOBELLA leans over and kisses GREGOR. She soon deepens the kiss, gripping his head in both hands.
SHAWN:
Wow, she's really planting one on him, huh?
CIAOBELLA goes slack.
EMILY:
Miss Masterson? (stands and hurries to CIAOBELLA) Ciaobella? Ciaobella?
EMILY touches CIAOBELLA’S shoulder and the woman rolls over. EMILY screams and one of the men from the funeral parlor(?) comforts her. The crowd exclaims and HASSENFEFFER takes a photo with his camera.
MAN:
She’s not breathing!
JULIET and LASSITER run up to examine CIAOBELLA.
SHAWN:
I've changed my mind. It wasn't the wife.
INT SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY
LASSITER and JULIET are sitting across from SIGRID as she loudly blows her nose.
SIGRID:
I loved Gregor, and he loved me.
LASSITER:
But he wasn't gonna leave his wife, and you never learned to share as a child, so you went ahead and killed them both. For symmetry. Sound about right?
SIGRID:
No, it wasn't like that. I mean, sure, it was frustrating. I couldn't say anything about her without him flying off the handle.
INT SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY
GUS and SHAWN watch the interrogation.
SIGRID:
He wouldn't even let me drink out of the same glass as her. He said that comparing me to her was like comparing Cleopatra to Miss Cleo.
GUS:
You think Berlinda's back at the loft?
SHAWN:
That analogy doesn't make any sense.
GUS:
It would if you knew who either of them were.
SIGRID:
But I was sharing. I accepted it.
INT SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY
SIGRID:
A piece of him was enough. I mean, it was that or nothing. (wails) I miss him so much. He was the only one that knew how to accentuate my shoulders to make my waist and hips look smaller.
JULIET:
You realize you had more motive than anyone, Sigrid.
SIGRID:
No. Now Emily Bloom has taken over sole creative control of Ciao. I mean, she inherits everything.
INT SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY
SHAWN:
Emily Bloom?
GUS:
Who?
INT SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY
LASSITER:
The mousy assistant?
SIGRID:
She started as an assistant. That's just how they treated her. But she's third in line.
LASSITER:
Interesting. She failed to mention that little factoid.
SIGRID:
Is that the same suit you...
LASSITER:
Yes, okay? It is! I can get more than one wearing out of a suit in a work week.
SIGRID:
It's the same tie.
LASSITER:
(stands and points to the door) Get out of here!
INT SBPD, HALL, DAY
LASSITER and JULIET follow SIGRID up the stairs from interrogation.
LASSITER:
Don't go getting any ideas about hopping a plane to Trinidad and Tobago. You're not out of the woods yet, missy.
SHAWN and GUS wait for SIGRID to leave before joining LASSITER and JULIET.
SHAWN:
What's the plan, Stan?
LASSITER:
Go away. The reason we brought you in on this case was so that people would stop dying. O'Hara, get down to Ciao. I want you to put the clamps on Miss Bloom, our little Kiwi ladder-climber.
JULIET:
Check.
JULIET and LASSITER leave in opposite directions.
INT. CIAO, HALL, DAY
JULIET follows a young man, WILLIAM, through the narrow halls. We hear EMILY.
EMILY:
Then I will pay the penalty to terminate the contract. (enters the hall) William, will you please make sure those pleather samples make it to Alicia Silverstone before 3:00?
WILLIAM:
Don't even give it another thought.
JULIET:
Miss Bloom?
INT. CIAO, WORKROOM, DAY
EMILY speaks into her Bluetooth.
EMILY:
No, a bunny does not need to go blind in order to confirm that our buyers should not eat our clothing. How would you like it if I doused your retina in henna, you Cro-Magnon piece of...
JULIET:
I'm Detective O'Hara from the...
EMILY:
Screw you! (ends call and looks at a design sketch) Let's acknowledge the curve, Samantha. You know, real women, real figures. Just raise the waist line. Make it an "A" cut. (picks up protein drink and continues on) And don't think for one second I didn't notice your new bangs. You look 21 again. (stops to initial a sketch)
JULIET:
Miss Bloom, I need to ask you a few questions.
EMILY:
And we're walking.
INT. CIAO, OFFICE, DAY
JULIET follows EMILY to the adjoining room.
JULIET:
We believe that both your predecessors were killed by the same person.
EMILY:
And no one stood to gain more than I did by killing them both?
JULIET:
Well, I'm glad you can see where this is headed. I'll need you to account for your whereabouts.
WILLIAM enters the room.
WILLIAM:
Now it's just the prototype, (holds up a pair of red pumps) but I've never wanted to be a woman this badly in my life.
EMILY:
Okay. (to JULIET) Can you try these on?
JULIET:
I don't think that's appropriate.
WILLIAM pushes her down into a chair and slips the shoes onto her feet.
JULIET:
Wait, excuse me! What? Oh, wow. (laughs) Wow. (stands) These are fabulous.
The workers in the room applaud.
JULIET:
Now, are we talking in your office or mine?
EMILY:
Okay, back to work, everybody. (everyone else leaves) William, order pizza for everybody. That yummy place with the soy ricotta. Thank you. (WILLIAM leaves) Well, this is my office, so fire away.
While EMILY was talking to WILLIAM, JULIET noticed a banner that reads “Ciao! Ciao! We Love You Emily”.
JULIET:
You've been head of this company for six hours, and you've changed just about everything. You're not exactly preserving the Ciao legacy.
EMILY:
You know, I have all these things I've always wanted to do. And I'm turning the company green. I'm ending animal testing. Subsidizing proceeds to help find a cure for breast cancer. Do any of those sound like bad things to you?
JULIET:
Unfortunately, that's not an alibi.
EMILY:
No, it isn't. And what's more, I don't think I have one. I mean, I was with them all day every day.
JULIET:
I see. Well, I'm sure you won't mind if I have a look around and chat with a few of your employees?
EMILY:
No, of course not.
JULIET:
That's it, Miss Bloom. (starts to walk away)
EMILY:
Detective, aren't you forgetting something?
JULIET:
(stops and realizes she’s still wearing the shoes) Oh. Right. (takes off shoes)
EMILY:
You know, you have such great lines. There's no reason why you can't dress to arrest. Is there?
JULIET stands up a little straighter.
INT. PSYCH, DAY
SHAWN is sitting at his desk researching online as GUS stands in front of a mirror and rubs oil onto his head.
SHAWN:
All right, what do we know about Emily Bloom?
GUS:
Well, she wrote, Are You There, God? It's Me Margaret, and Freckle Juice.
SHAWN:
I think that was Judy Blume.
GUS:
Oh. Then I got nothin'.
SHAWN:
Could you possibly be bringing less to the table right now?
GUS:
Shawn, you're just upset because I'm more than a pair of ankles.
SHAWN:
I don't get it. Emily Bloom was the vice president of the company, yet she was running coffee and balancing the books? (looks at GUS) Dude, are you oiling your head?
GUS turns away from the mirror to face SHAWN.
GUS:
Lavender. Berlinda likes her men to shine.
The office phone rings and SHAWN picks it up. The screen splits to show VICK at her office.
SHAWN:
Chief.
VICK:
Mr. Spencer, I'm going to ask you a very important question, and I'd appreciate some candor.
SHAWN:
Shoot.
VICK:
Has your father lost his mind? I mean, why hasn't he called my friend Susan back? Honestly, he should be so lucky.
SHAWN:
Chief, I cannot get involved in some sort of soap opera starring my father. For the record, I told him he should...
VICK’S other line rings.
VICK:
Hold on. (puts SHAWN on hold and answers the other line) This is Vick.
The screen splits on VICK’S side, showing SUSAN on top.
SUSAN:
He asked me out.
VICK:
Wonderful! Oh, my gosh. What did he say?
SUSAN:
Oh, well, he left a message.
VICK:
Oh, yeah, that sounds like Henry.
SHAWN’S phone rings and he picks it up. The screen splits pushing VICK and SUSAN off-screen to show HENRY.
SHAWN:
Dad?
HENRY:
Should I take her to Crab Shack Willie's or the Third Wharf?
SHAWN:
Those can't possibly be real places.
The screen splits into quarters showing all four and the conversations overlap. SHAWN seems to be the only one not wanting any part of it.
SHAWN:
Look, Dad, I'm really busy, okay?
VICK:
Do not bring your purse into the restaurant.
HENRY:
Shawn, just pick a restaurant.
[Split screen of VICK and SUSAN]
SUSAN:
Listen, I'm gonna call him back.
VICK:
Okay, call me later, honey.
SUSAN:
Okay.
VICK ends the call.
[Split screen of SHAWN and HENRY]
SHAWN:
I don't know where you should take her to dinner!
HENRY’S phone beeps.
HENRY:
Hold on. That's her. Gotta go. (ends call)
[Split screen of SHAWN and VICK]
BOTH:
He called her.
VICK:
Now stop messing around and go find me a killer. Good-bye. (ends call)
Stunned by the whole call juggling, SHAWN sighs and replaces the phone. He stands and looks over at GUS who is wearing a different shirt and boxers as he stands in front of the mirror.
SHAWN:
Am I dreaming?
GUS:
Nope. I just look this good.
SHAWN:
How is it possible that I am the only sane person in the universe right now?
GUS:
(turns to face SHAWN) Question. Do you think this shirt enhances or detracts from my traps? Berlinda's going to get me into the fashion show.
SHAWN:
(looks at GUS’ shirt) Have you worn that before?
GUS:
Nope. This shirt was designed by Gregor Uwe-Steeb, Shawn. It's a part of the new fall line.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
GREGOR:
I'm only the head of the company, and after doing all the design work myself…
INT. CIAO, OFFICE, NIGHT
SHAWN notices the sketches have EMILY’S initials. He looks over them.
SHAWN:
Wow, these are really good.
EMILY:
Thank you. I've never really shown them to anyone before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT. PSYCH, DAY
One of the sketches SHAWN looked at in the office is the exact shirt GUS is wearing.
SHAWN:
That is not Gregor's design.
GUS:
What are you talking about?
SHAWN:
They're stealing her designs.
GUS:
Whose?
SHAWN:
Emily's. Gregor said he personally designed the whole new line. He's full of it. That's Emily's. I've seen it. They're all Emily's. Would you please put some pants on?
INT. RESTAURANT, NIGHT
HENRY and SUSAN are looking over the menu.
HENRY:
The fish and chips is actually pretty good.
SUSAN:
I've been craving meat lately.
HENRY:
Well, in that case the prime rib is excellent.
SUSAN reaches down to the seat beside her and puts a six-pack of beer on the table.
SUSAN:
B.Y.O.B. Help yourself.
HENRY:
(looks around) No, no, actually, I don't think it is.
SUSAN:
Is it hot in here? (pulls off sweater to show black camisole)
HENRY:
I don't think so. It's pretty comfortable. (eyes widen)
SUSAN:
Whew, that's better. Don't you think?
HENRY raises his eyes from her chest to her face and smiles nervously before looking away.
INT SBPD, HALL, DAY
SHAWN and GUS enter the station. LASSITER enters from the opposite side carrying a bag from “The Tie Supply” and wearing a new blue tie. Upon seeing the others, he tosses the bag behind a potted palm. The three of them meet in the center and look down the hall in front of them, stunned expressions on their faces. JULIET has taken EMILY’S words to heart and is wearing a new black skirt and belted black jacket over a low-cut black top. She smiles at them as she enters VICK’S office. SHAWN clears his throat and the three men also enter VICK’S office.
INT SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY
VICK is closing a cabinet drawer and turns around to see JULIET.
VICK:
What happened to you?
JULIET:
I am a woman, Chief. And I am choosing to dress like one.
LASSITER:
You can't do that, O'Hara.
JULIET:
I paid for it myself. I was feeling good about myself, it was my lunch break and... Carlton, is that a new tie?
LASSITER:
Don't be ridiculous.
JULIET smiles.
VICK:
I trust this is all in aid of something?
JULIET:
Yes, Chief. I spent the entire afternoon at Ciao, and I am certain that Emily Bloom is not our killer. I grilled her, she didn't break. Not to mention she has over a dozen employees that would take a bullet for her. She simply doesn't have it in her to kill somebody, much less two somebodies. I'd bet the farm on it.
SHAWN:
(raises hands to head) I'm sensing something. Gregor and Ciaobella were stealing Emily's designs. Stealing them, passing them off as their own. All the while treating her as a peon.
VICK:
That's not a bad start for motive.
LASSITER:
(opens file) Toxicology report. Ciaobella was poisoned. The only thing in her system were traces of arsenic, soy milk, and green super food powder.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
SHAWN remembers CIAOBELLA drinking her green protein shake that had been handed to her by EMILY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY
SHAWN:
Bad news, Jules. I think you just lost the farm.
INT. RESTAURANT, NIGHT
SUSAN is buttering a roll as HENRY nibbles on his fries.
SUSAN:
Would you like me to butter your biscuit?
HENRY:
Excuse me?
SUSAN reaches over, grips HENRY’S hand and seductively bites off the end of the fry. She never takes her eyes off him, even as she sits back down. HENRY, out of his depth, looks down at his dinner.
HENRY:
So what's it like working for the mayor?
SUSAN:
It's okay. It'd be more fun if he wasn't married though. So what's it like being retired? I mean, you're not that old, so what's the story? You take a slug? Or did you just get tired of being good all the time? Now be honest... (stands and feeds HENRY a piece of meat) Isn't that better than some flaky piece of fish?
HENRY can’t help but look straight at her cleavage.
HENRY:
That's good. (starts chewing) Very good.
SUSAN:
Yeah?
HENRY:
Yeah, that's good.
SUSAN sits back down. HENRY nudges his fork so it falls to the floor.
HENRY:
Oh, damn it, damn it. Damn it, I dropped my fork, I... I'll just get one myself. (hurries from the table)
INT. CIAO, RECEPTION, NIGHT
JULIET leads the others towards the office.
JULIET:
Okay, for the record, I still don't feel right about this.
SHAWN’S phone rings and he hangs back to answer.
SHAWN:
Dad, I thought you were supposed to be...
[Split screen with HENRY in the restaurant hall]
HENRY:
Shawn, I was wrong. She's like this carnivorous mink. She wants to eat me right here...
SUSAN comes up behind HENRY, grabs the phone from his hand and pushes him into the men’s room.
SHAWN:
(closes phone) That was weird.
INT. CIAO, WORKROOM, NIGHT
They walk towards the workroom and can hear a sewing machine. LASSITER pulls out his gun in the doorway.
JULIET:
Oh, come on!
LASSITER puts his gun away as they continue on. They see EMILY sprawled out at one of the work desks, light on and machine running. JULIET hurries over and unplugs the sewing machine.
JULIET:
(walks back to others) So, Shawn, still feel like she's our killer?
SHAWN:
Whoa. Three dead bodies?
EMILY suddenly comes to with a gasp and the others scream. JULIET covers her mouth with her hands.
VICK:
Detectives, go call an ambulance. (hurries to EMILY)
SHAWN:
Holy crap! (follows VICK)
JULIET and LASSITER hurry from the room.
INT. HOSPITAL, HALL, NIGHT
JULIET is on the phone outside EMILY’S room.
JULIET:
She's stable now. They've pumped her stomach. I have a sample on the way to the lab.
INT. HOSPITAL, ROOM, NIGHT
SHAWN is sitting at the foot of EMILY’S bed, resting his head on his hand. He sighs and lowers his arm. EMILY slowly wakes up.
SHAWN:
(sits forward) Emily.
EMILY:
Black. Wh-what are you doing here?
SHAWN:
(stands) It's a long story that you don't really need to hear. How do you feel?
EMILY:
Not terrible. I just...I can't remember anything that happened after I finished, my dinner.
SHAWN:
Dinner. What did you have?
EMILY:
Well, the pizza was gone, so I just had a super food smoothie and some Tofurkey jerky.
SHAWN:
Oh, my God.
EMILY:
What? I was really hungry, and I just wanted something quickly.
SHAWN starts bouncing up and down excitedly.
SHAWN:
No, no, no, I've gotta go solve... I'm... I-m... I'm really glad, though, that you're feeling... That you're not, um... My name is... How 'bout I come back later?
EMILY:
Yeah, I'd like that.
SHAWN:
Sweet! (knocks on window by JULIET and runs out of the room)
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
The club is holding a memorial service for the designers.
WOMAN ON PA:
Gregor and Ciaobella...
SHAWN and GUS cross the floor.
SHAWN:
I'm all over the second and third halves with these smoothies. All the models that would have benefited from killing Gregor and Ciaobella have no reason to kill Emily too, I don't think. What's the missing link?
GUS:
Right, put a pin in it, and I'll make my move on Berlinda, and we'll pick it up in the morning.
WOMAN ON PA:
Only a few know that their actual wedding took place in a private ceremony on the small Bahamian island of Abaco two years earlier. Today would have been their tenth wedding anniversary.
BERLINDA waves at GUS and he makes to walk over but SHAWN grabs him by the arm.
SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa. Did you know that?
GUS:
No, Shawn. I'm not interested in learning new trivia about our murder victims.
SHAWN:
Ten years is a milestone anniversary in this state, Gus. Financially, it's a benchmark. It means all the assets get split right down the middle.
GUS:
We're not gonna solve this thing tonight, Shawn.
SHAWN:
I know part of it. I might even know 2/3 of it. Dude, I could totally go up there.
GUS:
But you won't.
LASSITER and JULIET enter with a uniformed officer.
LASSITER:
All right, Spencer, we did a rush tox screen on Emily.
JULIET:
You were right. She had the same poison in her system as Ciaobella, but in a much higher dose.
SHAWN:
(puts hands to head) I definitely know 2/3 of it!
GUS:
(pulls SHAWN aside) Stop it, Shawn. Don't do it. Don't just get up there and start winging it. That's not how we operate.
SHAWN:
Dude, where have you been for the last two years?
GUS:
Come on, Shawn. I'm so close.
BERLINDA comes up and wraps her arm around GUS’ and takes him away.
LASSITER:
Would you tell us why we're here?
SHAWN holds up a hand as he watches the video.
WOMAN ON PA:
Never afraid to take risks, Ciaobella's dress of electric lights set the Paris fashion world ablaze...
SHAWN:
Oh, my God, this is a doozy. I mean, wow. (walks forward)
WOMAN ON PA:
…establishing her as one of the top designers working today.
SHAWN goes up the steps to the stage and takes the microphone from the stand.
SHAWN:
Stop the projector!
The video keeps going. The crowd ignores him.
SHAWN:
Or... or just keep it going. That's... that's fine. I know this may be hard for some of you to believe, but I'm not really Black. And I'm not a model. My partner Gus and I are detectives.
BERLINDA:
You're not a model?
GUS:
I'm only a detective part-time. And my full name is Tangus.
BERLINDA exclaims in disgust and walks away.
SHAWN:
(points to picture of CIAOBELLA) Ciaobella Masterson was murdered by her husband, (points to picture of GREGOR) Gregor Uwe-Steeb. (struts across the stage)
LASSITER:
Wait, wait, wait. That doesn't make any sense. Gregor was already dead.
SHAWN:
Do I come down to your office and bother you while you're working?
LASSITER:
All the time.
SHAWN:
That's fair. Gregor was having an affair. [SIGRID slips the love note into GREGOR’S pocket] He couldn't chance getting caught. Not with his tenth wedding anniversary approaching. He was desperate to get out of the marriage without losing half of his company. [GREGOR puts poison into the blender] So he poisoned Ciaobella's green super food powder. Only she wouldn't die... because she was bulimic. Ciaobella couldn't keep anything she ate down. [CIAOBELLA puts two fingers down her throat – SHAWN noticed the discoloration earlier] That's why it took forever for the poison to take effect. All Gregor could do was wait...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, DAY
SIGRID:
He wouldn't even let me drink out of the same glass as her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
SHAWN:
And keep his vampire mistress away from the poisonous elements.
Sobbing, SIGRID runs from the room.
SHAWN:
But Ciaobella knew of the affair, and had herself a mind for murder. Using her own skills with electricity, [CIAOBELLA fixes the electric dress] she laid a trap for Gregor [GREGOR holds the mic stand] before his plan was complete. What's up?!
GUS shakes his head. LASSITER and JULIET merely look puzzled. BRYAN and HASSENFEFFER are stunned.
LASSITER:
What about Emily?
JULIET:
Emily was drinking a super food smoothie the day she took over.
SHAWN:
Really, Jules? You too?
JULIET:
I'm sorry.
SHAWN:
Is this just a free-for-all? Anybody can just bounce in anytime they want?
JULIET:
I'm sorry.
SHAWN:
In summation, Ciaobella killed Gregor. Gregor killed Ciaobella. Emily got caught in the green powdery crossfire. But not before she designed the new fall line. It's revolutionary, by the way. We all deserve to feel beautiful.
LASSITER:
(holds up handcuffs) What am I supposed to do with these?
SHAWN:
Nothing. Put 'em away. I guess what I'm saying is... you're all free to go. That was crazy, right?
Nobody moves. SHAWN goes back to JULIET and LASSITER.
LASSITER:
You could have told me that over the phone. Hell, you could've put it in an email. (to JULIET) Come on.
LASSITER and JULIET leave. GUS walks over to SHAWN.
SHAWN:
Dude, did you see that? That was, like, the most stylish wrap-up ever. Except for the part where there was no one to accuse. But whatever, right? It was hot. (GUS walks away) Gus. Gus?
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT
HENRY is standing by the window. He’s wearing a black turtleneck. SHAWN enters from the kitchen.
SHAWN:
All right, here I am. Why are you dressed like Perry Como?
HENRY:
Thanks for coming, Son.
SHAWN:
You said it was important. (chuckles) Clearly, you're about to shoot an Old Spice commercial.
HENRY:
That's funny. Look, Shawn, I just... I need to talk to you. You know, face-to-face.
SHAWN:
I got it. You've been invited to a very special screening of Bullitt.
HENRY:
I'm going on another date with Susan.
SHAWN:
What, the woman you described as a carnivorous mink?
HENRY:
I'll admit her behavior threw me a little off balance, but the night ended up being a lot of fun.
SHAWN:
Oh, my God. You have a hickey!
HENRY:
Shawn, Shawn. (fiddles with his collar)
SHAWN:
You called me over here to show off your hickey?! That's sick!
HENRY:
Shawn, no! No, I called you over here because... I don't want to feel guilty about moving on with my life. Your mother's not a part of it anymore. She hasn't been for a long time. She is not coming back. And I hope she's happy. Yeah... I mean that. She deserves it. But my life is here, Shawn. And I don't want to have to sneak around trying to live it.
SHAWN:
I can't deal with this right now. (starts to walk away)
HENRY:
Well, Shawn, you have to.
SHAWN:
(angry) Look, I don't care what you do, okay? I don't care. I just don't want to hear about it. So don't call me on the phone asking me for advice. And don't expect me to meet you and your new dominatrix girlfriend for dinner.
HENRY:
All right, look. Kid, this is not easy for me either.
SHAWN:
Yeah, it never was. Have a nice date.
SHAWN sighs and walks away only to stop in the doorway to the kitchen. He slaps the wall before turning back.
SHAWN:
And unless you plan on taking her to Wayne Manor, lose the turtleneck, okay? Let her admire her work. And remember, you treat a woman like a person, and then a princess, and then a Greek goddess...
HENRY:
And then a person again.
SHAWN:
Right. Okay. (leaves)
1987
INT. SPENCER HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY
HENRY is sitting at the table reading the paper and having coffee before leaving for work. SHAWN attempts to sneak down the stairs and out the door to school without HENRY realizing.
HENRY:
Shawn, where's that nice new sweater vest your mom just put on you for picture day?
SHAWN:
(stops and slowly turns around, walking back) Yeah, that. It wasn't working for us. We chose the Knight Rider shirt instead. Mom loves K.I.T.T. (walks away)
HENRY:
Do you know how a cop distinguishes when somebody's lying?
SHAWN:
(stops) When it sounds like that.
HENRY:
Go upstairs, put the vest back on. Pictures last forever, Shawn. I want you to look your best.
SHAWN puts down his backpack and goes back upstairs.
PRESENT DAY
EXT. STREET, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS are striding down the sidewalk. SHAWN seems to have made extra effort to dress nice, right down to the snakeskin boots.
GUS:
There's a body in a service elevator?
SHAWN:
No bodies.
GUS:
A dogfighting ring?
SHAWN:
No.
GUS:
A missing snowman?
SHAWN:
Yes, a snowman is missing, but we're not on that case. Relax.
GUS:
I am not working.
SHAWN:
I know you aren't.
GUS:
I do not work on my birthday.
SHAWN:
I think you've made your position clear on that.
GUS:
Then tell me where we're going.
SHAWN:
That's not how a surprise works.
They stop in front of a club holding a private party complete with red carpet and velvet rope. There is a sign saying “Ciao! Is Now”.
SHAWN:
Happy birthday, dude. (chuckles) Welcome to the fall line launch party for Ciao clothing. (grips GUS’ shoulder in a friendly shake) Gorgeous models, fake celebrities. No food, though.
They walk down the carpet.
GUS:
This is the most exclusive event of the year. What's the rub?
A MAN with a clipboard and earpiece looks up as SHAWN and GUS approach.
MAN:
I think you're in the wrong line there, gentlemen.
SHAWN:
I think we're on the V.I.P List.
MAN:
Names?
SHAWN:
Black and Tan.
MAN:
First names?
SHAWN:
No first names. One of us is Black, and one of us is Tan. We're a modeling team. Perhaps you've heard of us.
GUS:
Let's just go.
SHAWN:
We're retired. Just check your list.
The MAN checks the list.
MAN:
Holy crap, it is you. Sorry for the mix-up, Tan. (unclips the rope to let them pass)
SHAWN:
I beg your pardon? My name is Black. His name is Tan. I can't believe you just made that assumption. You should be ashamed of yourself and your family.
They walk past the MAN. GUS rubs his thumb against his nose, his “cool” move.
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
Dance music plays as GUS and SHAWN enter the busy club.
GUS:
Okay, how did you pull that off?
SHAWN:
Well, Ciao's number was in the phone book. I don't ever want to hear again that my Filipino accent doesn't work magic.
GUS:
(looks around at the models) This is one of the most thoughtful presents anyone's ever given me. Oh man, that's Berlinda Desidovicz!
SHAWN:
The waitress?
GUS:
She's not a waitress, she's the model. The one from the Floppy Cakes ad. The third girl on the left on that billboard I always point out.
SHAWN:
You know her name?
GUS:
Her name? I know her life story. She has a fan club. Well, she's putting one together. I'm number one on the interest list. She's one of the most popular models in the entire Santa Barbara downtown area, Shawn. I've been in love with her since the Icy Pops ad.
SHAWN:
She's the one that says, "Gooey".
GUS:
Yes, she's the "Gooey" girl.
SHAWN:
This is huge for you, man! I'll hook it up. (starts to walk away)
GUS:
(grabs SHAWN by the arm) Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can take care of this myself. What you think? Should I pull out the “cheetah”? (holds up hands like claws)
SHAWN:
The “cheetah” is the worst name for a pickup move in the history of mankind. Remember the rule. Treat a woman like a person. Then, a princess. Then, a Greek goddess. Then, a person again. Besides, I think “Operation Colonel Sugar Lemons” is a much better move for a place like this.
GUS:
Cool. (slaps SHAWN on the back and walks away)
SHAWN:
Good luck!
GUS struts over to BERLINDA but another model cuts in front of him. SHAWN smiles at his friend’s awkwardness. He walks around, looking at everyone.
CIAOBELLA:
Oh! Emily! God!
The woman throws down a plastic cup filled with a drink. The younger woman at her side, EMILY, looks down at the floor.
WOMAN ON PA:
Ladies and gentlemen, our Chairman and Founder, Gregor Uwe-Steeb.
SHAWN notices slight discoloration on the first two fingers on CIAOBELLA’S right hand. EMILY starts to clean the spilled drink. The crowd cheers and applauds as GREGOR steps onto the stage, arms open, welcoming the adulation. He comes to a stop in front of the microphone stand which is set too low.
GREGOR:
Thank you. Thank you. (blows a kiss to CIAOBELLA before seeing the stand) Do not worry. I will raise this myself. I'm only the head of the company, and after doing all the design work myself, I was looking forward to some menial work. (puts hands on the stand and is electrocuted)
The lights go out and women scream.
CIAOBELLA:
Gregor! Someone call… Call an ambulance! Somebody! (runs to the stage and kneels beside GREGOR) Gregor! Gregor! Gregor!
GUS comes over to SHAWN and the two watch everything unfold.
SHAWN:
You absolutely sure you don't want to work tonight?
PSYCH
“Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion”
By
Steve Franks & James Roday
STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen
DIRECTOR
Mel Damski
**********************************************************************
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
The models are sitting around waiting as the police arrive. SHAWN and GUS are sitting in a booth as two models, BRYAN and HASSENFEFFER, question them.
BRYAN:
You expect us to believe that you model?
SHAWN:
What? That's hard to believe? Whoa, me and my bro here aren't worthy of leering into a little camera lens or Blue Steeling it up occasionally?
HASSENFEFFER:
(German accent) Your bro, of course. His features are immaculate. But you, not so much.
SHAWN:
What? What are you, insane? Help…help me out here, Tan. (slaps GUS on the arm)
GUS:
He's a foot model.
BRYAN:
Well, that makes sense.
SHAWN:
(to GUS) Really? Thanks for that. (to models) He's lying. It was foot and ankle. And I did some hand work, okay? Perhaps you recognize this... (cups hands) from the insurance commercials.
HASSENFEFFER:
I have to go to the bathroom. (to BRYAN) Want to come?
BRYAN:
Okay.
HASSENFEFFER:
Ciao.
SHAWN watches the two models as they leave. GUS can’t take his eyes off BERLINDA as she sits with other models.
GUS:
She seems so bored. So lonely.
SHAWN:
Yeah, but so does everybody here, dude. Did you notice that the mic stand was set too low when Gregor came out on the stage? Why would the mic stand be set so low when he's the only one who was gonna speak tonight?
GUS:
Do you see the clock?
SHAWN:
But what if we stumble upon something huge?
GUS:
What does the clock say, Shawn?
SHAWN:
Fine.
GUS:
Thank you.
SHAWN:
Never mind. It's your birthday. No work, got it.
LASSITER and JULIET make their way through the club, approaching SHAWN and GUS’ booth.
LASSITER:
All right, you will each, one by one, go to the area I've sequestered, state the name of the agency you work for and… (sees SHAWN and GUS) Why am I surprised?
SHAWN:
Usually it's because…
LASSITER:
Just tell me if you've seen anything. (sits next to SHAWN)
SHAWN:
Maybe. Do you suspect foul play?
LASSITER:
Not really. There's no one here with an IQ over 40.
SHAWN:
So, you're asking for our help.
GUS stomps on SHAWN’S foot under the table. JULIET looks under the table.
SHAWN:
(groans) Never mind. We're not available tonight. Wide open tomorrow, though.
EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS walk along the path to the porch. SHAWN is carrying the boots in his hand.
GUS:
What is this about, Shawn?
SHAWN:
Look, my dad insisted I return these by 8:00 A.M. I don't know about you, I plan on sleeping in till at least noon. Especially after we howl all night.
SHAWN bends over to leave the boots outside the door. Music and voices can be heard inside.
GUS:
Whoa. I think somebody's in there.
They hear a woman’s laughter.
SHAWN:
No, that can't be. (peers through window and checks watch) Dude, it's 10:43. He's easily been asleep for two hours. (walks back to GUS)
GUS:
No, I think it's a woman. Listen.
WOMAN:
(muffled) I think there is someone here.
The door is opened and we see Chief VICK with a drink in her hand.
VICK:
Mr. Spencer. How unexpected.
SHAWN:
Chief? (stammers) I just came by to leave these half boots on the doormat. I didn't see anything.
Another woman appears next to VICK.
VICK:
Mr Spencer, please come in. Come in. (grabs SHAWN by the arm and pulls him inside)
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT
GUS follows SHAWN inside.
VICK:
Mr Guster. (closes door and stands next to other woman) I just thought I'd bring my dear friend Susan over to meet your father. She's a lovely, single woman who works at city hall.
GUS:
Oh!
VICK’S cell phone rings.
VICK:
Excuse me. (answers phone) O'Hara, this better be big. You're still at Ciao? The electrical cabling's been tampered with? Okay. Well, this case just changed.
SHAWN listens in on the call.
SHAWN:
Dude...
GUS:
I will kill you, Shawn.
VICK:
All right, get any potentials down to the station. I am on my way. (ends call)(to SUSAN) You’ll be okay?
SUSAN:
Yes.
VICK and SUSAN hug.
VICK:
Okay.
SUSAN:
Bye.
They end the hug.
VICK:
Bye, Henry! Thank you! (leaves)
HENRY enters the room from the kitchen, a beer bottle in his hand. He is surprised to see SHAWN and GUS.
HENRY:
What are you doing here?
SHAWN:
Well, we didn't realize it was ladies night at Club Henry. So I dropped by to return your half boots. (puts boots on bar)
SUSAN:
Wow, Henry, that's some wild-looking footwear.
HENRY:
Yeah... Susan, this is my son Shawn and, Gus.
SUSAN:
Nice to meet you. You can call me Sue. Most people call me Sue B. Because there are two Sues at the office. But obviously that's not really a factor here. (sips wine nervously)
HENRY:
Shawn, could you help me in the kitchen with these? (picks up two plates of hors d’oeuvres and hands one to SHAWN) Thank you. (to SUSAN) We'll be right back.
HENRY goes into the kitchen. As SHAWN follows, he looks back at GUS, completely puzzled.
GUS:
So... heard about Pluto? That's messed up.
SUSAN:
Yeah. (pours some more wine)
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT
Once in the kitchen, SHAWN’S voice returns.
SHAWN:
Really, Dad? Cheese cubes and wieners? What's happening here? Is this some sort of blind date?
HENRY:
Sort of. I don't know. I mean… (looks out into the living room) She's just... what do you call it? Nondescript.
SHAWN:
"Nondescript"? I've never heard a woman described like that unless she was a robbery suspect.
HENRY:
I just don't know. I mean, she's pretty. She's a little boring and prim. I cubed these myself. She didn't even try one. What do you think? What's your opinion?
SHAWN:
I have no opinion of any kind whatsoever.
HENRY:
Shawn, come on. You have an opinion on everything. Especially when it comes to women. What… Just give me your first impression.
SHAWN:
No. (walks out)
HENRY:
Why not?
EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS cross the yard back to the road.
GUS:
You have to get over this. Nobody wants to grow old alone. Maybe a nice lady will help him relax a little.
SHAWN:
New subject, Gus. Did you see the Chief run out of there? Must be something big. You know, I was thinking, there's only 73 minutes left in your birthday. (looks at watch) Actually, 72 minutes.
GUS:
Not until midnight, Shawn. I'm Cinderella, and this is my ball. And I'm not lifting a finger until my carriage turns into a big-ass pumpkin. Got it?
SHAWN:
Got it.
GUS:
Good.
INT. ARCADE, NIGHT
SHAWN and GUS are side-by-side sitting at a driving game. GUS gets carried away at the steering wheel. SHAWN only stares at him. They then stop to eat and GUS loads up his hot dog as SHAWN merely slurps his soda through a straw. He passes a napkin to GUS.
GUS:
Thank you.
The clock on the wall reads 11:18.
INT SBPD, HALL, NIGHT
The different models are waiting, all looking quite bored. JULIET and LASSITER enter the hall. JULIET sighs and makes her way through. LASSITER stops when one of the female models won’t get out of his way. She looks down her nose at him and he moves around. Sitting on one of the benches along the wall is EMILY checking her phone.
JULIET:
Okay, where do you want all these people?
LASSITER:
Just put 'em in both interrogation rooms and we'll rove it. Let's go, go, go!
INT. ARCADE, NIGHT
GUS is aggressively playing air hockey, constantly defending his goal. SHAWN is standing at the other end holding the paddle in his hand but not using it. GUS still can’t score a goal.
SHAWN:
So the electrical cable offstage was deliberately severed. The Chief thinks it was done pro. That means...
GUS scores a goal.
GUS:
Whoa! 6-5.
The clock reads 11:36.
INT SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, NIGHT
LASSITER and JULIET are sitting across from HASSENFEFFER.
LASSITER:
You don't remember where you were this afternoon?
HASSENFEFFER:
It was yellow. And boring.
JULIET:
Are we talking about a restaurant?
HASSENFEFFER:
I don't know, maybe. Just write down that it was lame. (to LASSITER) I do like that jacket.
LASSITER:
Really?
HASSENFEFFER:
Somewhere a transient is shivering in the night.
LASSITER slaps the table and stands to make a move towards HASSENFEFFER.
JULIET:
Detective.
INT. ARCADE, NIGHT
GUS and SHAWN are trying the dance machine and not doing very well. The round ends and SHAWN checks his watch before pointing to the clock on the wall. The seconds countdown to midnight.
GUS:
Fine, tell me what you got.
INT SBPD, HALL, NIGHT
LASSITER and JULIET walk up to SHAWN and GUS.
SHAWN:
How's it going, crime fighters?
JULIET:
They're not very forthcoming...or bright.
LASSITER:
One of them cannot confirm the correct spelling of his own name.
GUS:
Did you by chance interview a model named Berlinda? Is she still around?
JULIET:
Gus, we don't have time for this.
SHAWN:
I know, and that's why I'm here to offer our services.
LASSITER:
I'd rather shower with a bear.
SHAWN:
Look, they're only gonna talk to their own kind. Okay? Shallow, judgmental, cruel, and gorgeous. We're already imbedded.
VICK:
(walks up) What do you mean "imbedded"?
SHAWN:
Chief, we may or may not have used deception to get into the party tonight.
BRYAN and HASSENFEFFER walk up.
HASSENFEFFER:
See you at swimwear Wednesday.
BRYAN:
(to SHAWN) Don't let 'em scare you, Tan.
SHAWN:
He's Tan.
GUS:
Right.
BRYAN and HASSENFEFFER leave.
SHAWN:
They think we're models.
GUS:
They think I'm a model.
SHAWN:
Me too.
GUS:
A foot model.
SHAWN:
And ankle, Gus! Dude, that's just ridiculous anyway. Everybody look at my jaw.
SHAWN sucks in his cheeks and poses. GUS scoffs.
VICK:
Well, I've seen enough. You're hired.
LASSITER:
What?
VICK:
Hired. You can look the word up. It’s… Change that tie, detective. Now, Mr Spencer, if you have a moment, I'd like to see you privately.
SHAWN:
Of course, Chief.
SHAWN raises his lip in a Billy Idol sneer before turning and following VICK down the hall to her office.
VICK:
Ciaobella and Gregor are home-grown celebrities. The local media is sharpening its pencils on this one.
INT SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, NIGHT
VICK:
And that is not the kind of press that this department or its interim chief needs. Do I make myself clear?
SHAWN:
Clear as a crystal ball.
VICK:
Good. So tell me... did your father say anything about my friend Susan?
EXT. MODELS’ LOFT, DAY
SHAWN and GUS head up the stairs.
GUS:
They all live here?
SHAWN:
Well, Gregor owns the building. The Ciao studio's across the street. He uses this loft for his prime models.
GUS:
I wonder if it looks like the loft in Head Over Heels.
SHAWN:
You, and only you, can confirm that.
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, LIVING AREA, DAY
CIAOBELLA is filling the gathered models in on the continuing plans for the company. EMILY is at her side, jotting notes in a journal.
CIAOBELLA:
My husband's funeral is tomorrow at 12:25. Be there no later than... 1:15. And I'll have to approve whatever you're wearing. Now, obviously, we have no choice but to continue with the fall line unveiling on Wednesday.
SHAWN and GUS enter the room quietly.
EMILY:
Ma'am, before we move on, should I hire someone to do magnolias tomorrow for the service?
CIAOBELLA:
Well, of course hire someone, Emily! It's not like they grow on trees.
GUS and SHAWN sneak up the stairs.
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, HALL, DAY
SHAWN and GUS reach the top of the stairs and cross the hall to start exploring the rooms.
GUS:
That marriage always seemed weird to me. Like when Liza Minnelli married David Gest.
SHAWN:
Yeah, well, Ciaobella and Gregor lasted eight years, Gus.
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, BEDROOM, DAY
SHAWN lifts a plastic tote onto a bed as GUS goes to the closet.
SHAWN:
I suspect that some of those marble-chiseled simpletons are more devious than they let on. We're gonna have to dig deep and blend in in order to get real answers. (opens the tote)
GUS:
Dude, you thought I was gonna have trouble blending in? I have this shirt, this shirt. Most of these shirts. (takes a shoe from the shelf) And these are my exact Kenneth Coles. (sees framed photo) And that picture of my mom parasailing in Montego Bay. You moved me in?
SHAWN:
Dude, we got lucky. They just threw some guy out. Now we can live it up chic while we catch a killer. Now help me set up my Clapper.
GUS:
I'm not moving in here, Shawn. I don't care how many secrets we uncover.
A female MODEL wrapped in a towel leans against the door frame.
MODEL:
Shower's free. (looks at GUS)
GUS:
I got the window. (looks back at the MODEL)
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, STAIRWELL, DAY
As SHAWN and GUS go downstairs, they meet up with the same model who stared at LASSITER.
SHAWN:
You must be Sigrid. What is that? Cossack?
SIGRID:
Die. (keeps walking)
SHAWN:
You can question her.
GUS:
You know who I'm questioning.
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, LIVING AREA, DAY
SHAWN and GUS reach the bottom of the stairs to see HASSENFEFFER and BRYAN standing there, hands behind their backs.
SHAWN:
What's up, roomies?
The two models share a look.
BRYAN:
Initiation. That's what.
The models throw two silk-covered pillows at SHAWN and GUS.
HASSENFEFFER:
Put 'em up.
GUS:
I'm allergic to pillows.
SHAWN:
Tommy John, both elbows.
GUS and SHAWN reach the bottom of the stairs.
HASSENFEFFER:
Come on. Give me your best shot, Black. (pokes GUS with a pillow)
GUS backhands HASSENFEFFER with his pillow and he flies backwards over the couch. BRYAN rushes over to his friend as he lies on the floor.
SHAWN:
It would really behoove you guys to get our names right in the future.
BERLINDA walks down the stairs.
SHAWN:
Oh, good. Berlinda, you're here. Look, we are so out of the loop. You gotta catch us up on everything, you know. The dead Gregor thing, that awful Ciaobella, the agency…
GUS:
Maybe we can play Truth or Dare.
BERLINDA:
Actually, we were thinking about maybe going to a bar, doing some O2.
SHAWN:
Couldn't we do that after we talk? Because I know I have so many questions.
GUS:
I could be ready in three minutes. (passes pillow to SHAWN before hurrying upstairs)
BERLINDA smiles at SHAWN and walks away. SHAWN rolls his eyes.
EXT. ALLEY, NIGHT
The models – plus SHAWN and GUS – strut down the foggy alley to the strains of “Money” by the Pet Shop Boys.
HENRY:
Shawn!
SHAWN:
Dad? (stops)
The others stop and look over at SHAWN and HENRY. BRYAN and HASSENFEFFER continue on. SIGRID and BERLINDA follow. Of course, GUS follows after BERLINDA.
SHAWN:
How did you find me?
HENRY:
Shawn, I was a detective for 15 years. You're not hard to find. (looks at the models as they reach the road) Was that guy wearing a bra?
SHAWN:
What could possibly be so important that you're here right now?
HENRY:
It's Karen's friend Susan. She called again. Twice in the last two days. Doesn't that reek of desperation?
SHAWN:
No, no, no. This is not happening.
SHAWN starts to go after the others but HENRY pulls him back by the arm.
HENRY:
Shawn, this is ridiculous! You come to me for advice on one of your stupid cases at least once a week. I ask for a simple assist on dating protocol, you can't give it to me? Call me old-fashioned, Shawn.
SHAWN looks over his shoulder as a big stretch limo arrives for the models.
GUS:
(pushes HASSENFEFFER out of the way) I don’t think so. (gets into the limo)
HENRY:
I haven't been pursued by a woman in 33 years. It used to be the other way around, you know.
SHAWN:
Okay, fine, dad, look. Women your age, they don't have time to play games.
SHAWN looks again to see the limo pull away.
HENRY:
She was wearing a cardigan!
SHAWN:
But she saw the inside of your house, and didn't run screaming in horror. Ride the upside. Now, I can't talk about this for one more second because I'm proud of the fact that I have never been in therapy, okay? Goodbye. (backs away from HENRY’S grasp)
HENRY:
Shawn. No! Shawn!
SHAWN jogs to the end of the alley and looks for the limo. Not seeing it, he pulls out his cell phone and dials.
INT. LIMO, NIGHT
The models are partying in the limo, drinking champagne – Sigrid, from the bottle. GUS is laughing like he’s trying to fit in when his phone rings.
GUS:
Hello.
CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –
- CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEY, NIGHT
SHAWN:
Dude, what the hell happened to you guys?
GUS:
Some of the models got creeped out that you hang with your dad all the time.
SHAWN:
What?
GUS:
All right, fine! We were afraid if we hung out with him any longer, we might catch wrinkles. (laughs)
SHAWN:
Just tell me where you're going.
GUS:
Shawn, I can't talk now.
SHAWN:
Gus, you're not being helpful. And we have a case to...
GUS ends the call.
SHAWN:
…solve.
SHAWN looks over and sees EMILY let herself into the Ciao building with a key. He closes his phone and goes over.
INT. CIAO, OFFICE, NIGHT
SHAWN enters the room where EMILY is looking over some sketches. Her back is to the door and she doesn’t see SHAWN enter.
SHAWN:
Miss Bloom.
EMILY gives a startled gasp and drops the papers from her hand.
SHAWN:
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.
They both kneel on the floor to pick up the papers which are design sketches.
EMILY:
It’s okay.
SHAWN:
I'm Black...
EMILY:
I know who you are. You're staying at the loft. You're the one no one believes used to be a model.
SHAWN:
Who's saying these things?
They stand.
EMILY:
I believe you.
SHAWN:
Thank you.
EMILY:
I think your ankles are magnificent.
SHAWN:
Well, I play a lot of ping-pong.
EMILY laughs. SHAWN notices the sketches have EMILY’S initials. He looks over them.
SHAWN:
Wow, these are really good.
EMILY:
Thank you. I've never really shown them to anyone before.
SHAWN:
Why not? I'd totally wear these. This if I was very confused. (holds up a sketch of a bikini and matching robe)
EMILY:
(laughs) Yes. You know, I just let Gregor and Ciaobella do the designs. It's Ciaobella's company now. Well, my lunch break is over.
SHAWN:
It's after 9:00.
EMILY:
Yeah, I kinda work long hours. (sighs) I'm just so far behind, Ciaobella's gonna freak. (crosses room) I've gotta get back to work.
SHAWN:
Okay.
EMILY:
Will I see you tomorrow at the funeral?
SHAWN:
Yes, definitely. (stammers) Um, yeah. I think so, yeah.
EMILY:
Okay. Good. (leaves)
SHAWN:
Well, don't work too hard.
SHAWN walks up to a full-length mirror and makes poses. Realizing what he’s doing, he backs away and leaves.
EXT. MODELS’ LOFT, NIGHT
SHAWN is listening to GUS’ outgoing voicemail message.
GUS:
“Hi, you've reached Burton Guster with Central Coast Pharmaceuticals. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you.”
SHAWN:
Straight to voice mail? That's how we're doing it now? One moderately hot chick comes by, and suddenly I'm invisible? You know what, Gus? That's fine. I'm taking the bunk next to the window. And don't be surprised if your pillow smells faintly of my butt. (ends call)
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, BEDROOM, NIGHT
SHAWN, wearing boxers and a T-shirt, sits on the bed by the closet. He then lies on his back. After a moment, he claps his hands twice and the lights go out.
INT. MODELS’ LOFT, LIVING AREA, DAY
SHAWN comes down the stairs still in his boxers and T-shirt with bed-head and yawning. The models and GUS are sitting at the table or counter already dressed and looking like they’ve been awake for hours already.
SHAWN:
What is this? Did you guys get up at dawn? Dude, you couldn't give me a little shake?
HASSENFEFFER:
We got up five minutes ago.
SIGRID enters the room behind SHAWN, already in black with large sunglasses.
BERLINDA:
Sigrid, we can all go together.
SIGRID:
I would rather eat my own earlobes than spend another hour with you callous monsters. (leaves)
HASSENFEFFER:
That girl's acting like a freak.
SHAWN clears his throat and looks at GUS. After a slight hesitation, GUS gets up and walks over to join SHAWN at the base of the stairs.
SHAWN:
Did you accomplish anything last night besides selling me out for vacant head?
GUS:
Yes, I did. I found out that Berlinda always wanted a pet dwarf bunny as a child. And she loves anything that smells and looks like lavender.
SHAWN:
Sweet. Let's call the Chief and get paid.
GUS:
I also found out that Ciaobella was grilling all of the models because she was convinced that one of them was sleeping with Gregor.
They both look over at the models.
SHAWN:
Really?
GUS:
Yep.
SHAWN:
Well that coupled with the fact that she's drunk with power, treating her sweet little assistant like dirt, give us a pretty good suspect, I'd say. Let's crash a funeral.
EXT. FUNERAL, DAY
A white oriental-style pagoda draped in black houses GREGOR’S open casket. Guests walk past to pay their respects. In front are black folding chairs with black canopies off to the side covering the food and drinks.
BERLINDA:
Oh, my God. Is he wearing Hugo Boss? What a sellout! See you never.
BRYAN:
Good night forever... you bald bastard.
HASSENFEFFER:
(into phone) Hold on. (to GREGOR) It was me who peed in the hot tub. (into phone) Okay, I hear you. I’ll have to talk…
GUS:
You reap what you sow, Uwe-Steeb. Remember that.
SHAWN:
(follows GUS) You don't even know that dude.
GUS:
I'm in character, Shawn. Besides, Berlinda's listening. Shut up.
They move over to the canopy set up as a bar and look out at the gathered guests. EMILY sees SHAWN and waves.
SHAWN:
You know what, man? I didn't want to tell you this. (waves back) Berlinda's the one that couldn't spell her own name.
GUS:
So? You don't know her like I do, Shawn.
SHAWN watches as SIGRID stops to pay her respects. She is holding a note bearing a lipstick kiss with a heart drawn over it.
SHAWN:
Dude!
GUS:
What?
SIGRID slips the note into the pocket of GREGOR’S shirt.
SHAWN:
(whispers) That was a love note. That's a love note. That's a love note. She just hid a love note in the casket. That means Sigrid was Gregor's mistress. Ciaobella found out about it and killed him. I got it!
SHAWN starts to do his “I Solved the Case” dance and GUS grabs his arms.
GUS:
You can't dance at a funeral, Shawn.
SHAWN:
All of a sudden you're the arbiter of good taste?
GUS:
We wait until it's over, and we do it without blowing my cover to Berlinda. She only dates models.
SHAWN:
Wow. Fine, I'll call Jules.
SHAWN and GUS pick up their drinks and move to take their seats for the service.
>>> LATER >>>
JULIET and LASSITER arrive as CIAOBELLA clears her throat and walks to the center of the pagoda. SIGRID is the only one crying.
CIAOBELLA:
Well, thank you all for coming. We gather today not to mourn the passing of my dead husband... (sees HASSENFEFFER on the phone) Hassenfeffer! But rather to celebrate all that he once was. While I will always miss Gregor Uwe-Steeb, whose real name was Gregory Lipstanski, I encourage you all not to cry. But to drink and laugh and dance as we remember a man who once thought a belt made of dried bits of panther was a good idea. Good-bye, my love. Oh, Gregor.
CIAOBELLA leans over and kisses GREGOR. She soon deepens the kiss, gripping his head in both hands.
SHAWN:
Wow, she's really planting one on him, huh?
CIAOBELLA goes slack.
EMILY:
Miss Masterson? (stands and hurries to CIAOBELLA) Ciaobella? Ciaobella?
EMILY touches CIAOBELLA’S shoulder and the woman rolls over. EMILY screams and one of the men from the funeral parlor(?) comforts her. The crowd exclaims and HASSENFEFFER takes a photo with his camera.
MAN:
She’s not breathing!
JULIET and LASSITER run up to examine CIAOBELLA.
SHAWN:
I've changed my mind. It wasn't the wife.
INT SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY
LASSITER and JULIET are sitting across from SIGRID as she loudly blows her nose.
SIGRID:
I loved Gregor, and he loved me.
LASSITER:
But he wasn't gonna leave his wife, and you never learned to share as a child, so you went ahead and killed them both. For symmetry. Sound about right?
SIGRID:
No, it wasn't like that. I mean, sure, it was frustrating. I couldn't say anything about her without him flying off the handle.
INT SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY
GUS and SHAWN watch the interrogation.
SIGRID:
He wouldn't even let me drink out of the same glass as her. He said that comparing me to her was like comparing Cleopatra to Miss Cleo.
GUS:
You think Berlinda's back at the loft?
SHAWN:
That analogy doesn't make any sense.
GUS:
It would if you knew who either of them were.
SIGRID:
But I was sharing. I accepted it.
INT SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY
SIGRID:
A piece of him was enough. I mean, it was that or nothing. (wails) I miss him so much. He was the only one that knew how to accentuate my shoulders to make my waist and hips look smaller.
JULIET:
You realize you had more motive than anyone, Sigrid.
SIGRID:
No. Now Emily Bloom has taken over sole creative control of Ciao. I mean, she inherits everything.
INT SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY
SHAWN:
Emily Bloom?
GUS:
Who?
INT SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM, DAY
LASSITER:
The mousy assistant?
SIGRID:
She started as an assistant. That's just how they treated her. But she's third in line.
LASSITER:
Interesting. She failed to mention that little factoid.
SIGRID:
Is that the same suit you...
LASSITER:
Yes, okay? It is! I can get more than one wearing out of a suit in a work week.
SIGRID:
It's the same tie.
LASSITER:
(stands and points to the door) Get out of here!
INT SBPD, HALL, DAY
LASSITER and JULIET follow SIGRID up the stairs from interrogation.
LASSITER:
Don't go getting any ideas about hopping a plane to Trinidad and Tobago. You're not out of the woods yet, missy.
SHAWN and GUS wait for SIGRID to leave before joining LASSITER and JULIET.
SHAWN:
What's the plan, Stan?
LASSITER:
Go away. The reason we brought you in on this case was so that people would stop dying. O'Hara, get down to Ciao. I want you to put the clamps on Miss Bloom, our little Kiwi ladder-climber.
JULIET:
Check.
JULIET and LASSITER leave in opposite directions.
INT. CIAO, HALL, DAY
JULIET follows a young man, WILLIAM, through the narrow halls. We hear EMILY.
EMILY:
Then I will pay the penalty to terminate the contract. (enters the hall) William, will you please make sure those pleather samples make it to Alicia Silverstone before 3:00?
WILLIAM:
Don't even give it another thought.
JULIET:
Miss Bloom?
INT. CIAO, WORKROOM, DAY
EMILY speaks into her Bluetooth.
EMILY:
No, a bunny does not need to go blind in order to confirm that our buyers should not eat our clothing. How would you like it if I doused your retina in henna, you Cro-Magnon piece of...
JULIET:
I'm Detective O'Hara from the...
EMILY:
Screw you! (ends call and looks at a design sketch) Let's acknowledge the curve, Samantha. You know, real women, real figures. Just raise the waist line. Make it an "A" cut. (picks up protein drink and continues on) And don't think for one second I didn't notice your new bangs. You look 21 again. (stops to initial a sketch)
JULIET:
Miss Bloom, I need to ask you a few questions.
EMILY:
And we're walking.
INT. CIAO, OFFICE, DAY
JULIET follows EMILY to the adjoining room.
JULIET:
We believe that both your predecessors were killed by the same person.
EMILY:
And no one stood to gain more than I did by killing them both?
JULIET:
Well, I'm glad you can see where this is headed. I'll need you to account for your whereabouts.
WILLIAM enters the room.
WILLIAM:
Now it's just the prototype, (holds up a pair of red pumps) but I've never wanted to be a woman this badly in my life.
EMILY:
Okay. (to JULIET) Can you try these on?
JULIET:
I don't think that's appropriate.
WILLIAM pushes her down into a chair and slips the shoes onto her feet.
JULIET:
Wait, excuse me! What? Oh, wow. (laughs) Wow. (stands) These are fabulous.
The workers in the room applaud.
JULIET:
Now, are we talking in your office or mine?
EMILY:
Okay, back to work, everybody. (everyone else leaves) William, order pizza for everybody. That yummy place with the soy ricotta. Thank you. (WILLIAM leaves) Well, this is my office, so fire away.
While EMILY was talking to WILLIAM, JULIET noticed a banner that reads “Ciao! Ciao! We Love You Emily”.
JULIET:
You've been head of this company for six hours, and you've changed just about everything. You're not exactly preserving the Ciao legacy.
EMILY:
You know, I have all these things I've always wanted to do. And I'm turning the company green. I'm ending animal testing. Subsidizing proceeds to help find a cure for breast cancer. Do any of those sound like bad things to you?
JULIET:
Unfortunately, that's not an alibi.
EMILY:
No, it isn't. And what's more, I don't think I have one. I mean, I was with them all day every day.
JULIET:
I see. Well, I'm sure you won't mind if I have a look around and chat with a few of your employees?
EMILY:
No, of course not.
JULIET:
That's it, Miss Bloom. (starts to walk away)
EMILY:
Detective, aren't you forgetting something?
JULIET:
(stops and realizes she’s still wearing the shoes) Oh. Right. (takes off shoes)
EMILY:
You know, you have such great lines. There's no reason why you can't dress to arrest. Is there?
JULIET stands up a little straighter.
INT. PSYCH, DAY
SHAWN is sitting at his desk researching online as GUS stands in front of a mirror and rubs oil onto his head.
SHAWN:
All right, what do we know about Emily Bloom?
GUS:
Well, she wrote, Are You There, God? It's Me Margaret, and Freckle Juice.
SHAWN:
I think that was Judy Blume.
GUS:
Oh. Then I got nothin'.
SHAWN:
Could you possibly be bringing less to the table right now?
GUS:
Shawn, you're just upset because I'm more than a pair of ankles.
SHAWN:
I don't get it. Emily Bloom was the vice president of the company, yet she was running coffee and balancing the books? (looks at GUS) Dude, are you oiling your head?
GUS turns away from the mirror to face SHAWN.
GUS:
Lavender. Berlinda likes her men to shine.
The office phone rings and SHAWN picks it up. The screen splits to show VICK at her office.
SHAWN:
Chief.
VICK:
Mr. Spencer, I'm going to ask you a very important question, and I'd appreciate some candor.
SHAWN:
Shoot.
VICK:
Has your father lost his mind? I mean, why hasn't he called my friend Susan back? Honestly, he should be so lucky.
SHAWN:
Chief, I cannot get involved in some sort of soap opera starring my father. For the record, I told him he should...
VICK’S other line rings.
VICK:
Hold on. (puts SHAWN on hold and answers the other line) This is Vick.
The screen splits on VICK’S side, showing SUSAN on top.
SUSAN:
He asked me out.
VICK:
Wonderful! Oh, my gosh. What did he say?
SUSAN:
Oh, well, he left a message.
VICK:
Oh, yeah, that sounds like Henry.
SHAWN’S phone rings and he picks it up. The screen splits pushing VICK and SUSAN off-screen to show HENRY.
SHAWN:
Dad?
HENRY:
Should I take her to Crab Shack Willie's or the Third Wharf?
SHAWN:
Those can't possibly be real places.
The screen splits into quarters showing all four and the conversations overlap. SHAWN seems to be the only one not wanting any part of it.
SHAWN:
Look, Dad, I'm really busy, okay?
VICK:
Do not bring your purse into the restaurant.
HENRY:
Shawn, just pick a restaurant.
[Split screen of VICK and SUSAN]
SUSAN:
Listen, I'm gonna call him back.
VICK:
Okay, call me later, honey.
SUSAN:
Okay.
VICK ends the call.
[Split screen of SHAWN and HENRY]
SHAWN:
I don't know where you should take her to dinner!
HENRY’S phone beeps.
HENRY:
Hold on. That's her. Gotta go. (ends call)
[Split screen of SHAWN and VICK]
BOTH:
He called her.
VICK:
Now stop messing around and go find me a killer. Good-bye. (ends call)
Stunned by the whole call juggling, SHAWN sighs and replaces the phone. He stands and looks over at GUS who is wearing a different shirt and boxers as he stands in front of the mirror.
SHAWN:
Am I dreaming?
GUS:
Nope. I just look this good.
SHAWN:
How is it possible that I am the only sane person in the universe right now?
GUS:
(turns to face SHAWN) Question. Do you think this shirt enhances or detracts from my traps? Berlinda's going to get me into the fashion show.
SHAWN:
(looks at GUS’ shirt) Have you worn that before?
GUS:
Nope. This shirt was designed by Gregor Uwe-Steeb, Shawn. It's a part of the new fall line.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
GREGOR:
I'm only the head of the company, and after doing all the design work myself…
INT. CIAO, OFFICE, NIGHT
SHAWN notices the sketches have EMILY’S initials. He looks over them.
SHAWN:
Wow, these are really good.
EMILY:
Thank you. I've never really shown them to anyone before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT. PSYCH, DAY
One of the sketches SHAWN looked at in the office is the exact shirt GUS is wearing.
SHAWN:
That is not Gregor's design.
GUS:
What are you talking about?
SHAWN:
They're stealing her designs.
GUS:
Whose?
SHAWN:
Emily's. Gregor said he personally designed the whole new line. He's full of it. That's Emily's. I've seen it. They're all Emily's. Would you please put some pants on?
INT. RESTAURANT, NIGHT
HENRY and SUSAN are looking over the menu.
HENRY:
The fish and chips is actually pretty good.
SUSAN:
I've been craving meat lately.
HENRY:
Well, in that case the prime rib is excellent.
SUSAN reaches down to the seat beside her and puts a six-pack of beer on the table.
SUSAN:
B.Y.O.B. Help yourself.
HENRY:
(looks around) No, no, actually, I don't think it is.
SUSAN:
Is it hot in here? (pulls off sweater to show black camisole)
HENRY:
I don't think so. It's pretty comfortable. (eyes widen)
SUSAN:
Whew, that's better. Don't you think?
HENRY raises his eyes from her chest to her face and smiles nervously before looking away.
INT SBPD, HALL, DAY
SHAWN and GUS enter the station. LASSITER enters from the opposite side carrying a bag from “The Tie Supply” and wearing a new blue tie. Upon seeing the others, he tosses the bag behind a potted palm. The three of them meet in the center and look down the hall in front of them, stunned expressions on their faces. JULIET has taken EMILY’S words to heart and is wearing a new black skirt and belted black jacket over a low-cut black top. She smiles at them as she enters VICK’S office. SHAWN clears his throat and the three men also enter VICK’S office.
INT SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY
VICK is closing a cabinet drawer and turns around to see JULIET.
VICK:
What happened to you?
JULIET:
I am a woman, Chief. And I am choosing to dress like one.
LASSITER:
You can't do that, O'Hara.
JULIET:
I paid for it myself. I was feeling good about myself, it was my lunch break and... Carlton, is that a new tie?
LASSITER:
Don't be ridiculous.
JULIET smiles.
VICK:
I trust this is all in aid of something?
JULIET:
Yes, Chief. I spent the entire afternoon at Ciao, and I am certain that Emily Bloom is not our killer. I grilled her, she didn't break. Not to mention she has over a dozen employees that would take a bullet for her. She simply doesn't have it in her to kill somebody, much less two somebodies. I'd bet the farm on it.
SHAWN:
(raises hands to head) I'm sensing something. Gregor and Ciaobella were stealing Emily's designs. Stealing them, passing them off as their own. All the while treating her as a peon.
VICK:
That's not a bad start for motive.
LASSITER:
(opens file) Toxicology report. Ciaobella was poisoned. The only thing in her system were traces of arsenic, soy milk, and green super food powder.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
SHAWN remembers CIAOBELLA drinking her green protein shake that had been handed to her by EMILY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY
SHAWN:
Bad news, Jules. I think you just lost the farm.
INT. RESTAURANT, NIGHT
SUSAN is buttering a roll as HENRY nibbles on his fries.
SUSAN:
Would you like me to butter your biscuit?
HENRY:
Excuse me?
SUSAN reaches over, grips HENRY’S hand and seductively bites off the end of the fry. She never takes her eyes off him, even as she sits back down. HENRY, out of his depth, looks down at his dinner.
HENRY:
So what's it like working for the mayor?
SUSAN:
It's okay. It'd be more fun if he wasn't married though. So what's it like being retired? I mean, you're not that old, so what's the story? You take a slug? Or did you just get tired of being good all the time? Now be honest... (stands and feeds HENRY a piece of meat) Isn't that better than some flaky piece of fish?
HENRY can’t help but look straight at her cleavage.
HENRY:
That's good. (starts chewing) Very good.
SUSAN:
Yeah?
HENRY:
Yeah, that's good.
SUSAN sits back down. HENRY nudges his fork so it falls to the floor.
HENRY:
Oh, damn it, damn it. Damn it, I dropped my fork, I... I'll just get one myself. (hurries from the table)
INT. CIAO, RECEPTION, NIGHT
JULIET leads the others towards the office.
JULIET:
Okay, for the record, I still don't feel right about this.
SHAWN’S phone rings and he hangs back to answer.
SHAWN:
Dad, I thought you were supposed to be...
[Split screen with HENRY in the restaurant hall]
HENRY:
Shawn, I was wrong. She's like this carnivorous mink. She wants to eat me right here...
SUSAN comes up behind HENRY, grabs the phone from his hand and pushes him into the men’s room.
SHAWN:
(closes phone) That was weird.
INT. CIAO, WORKROOM, NIGHT
They walk towards the workroom and can hear a sewing machine. LASSITER pulls out his gun in the doorway.
JULIET:
Oh, come on!
LASSITER puts his gun away as they continue on. They see EMILY sprawled out at one of the work desks, light on and machine running. JULIET hurries over and unplugs the sewing machine.
JULIET:
(walks back to others) So, Shawn, still feel like she's our killer?
SHAWN:
Whoa. Three dead bodies?
EMILY suddenly comes to with a gasp and the others scream. JULIET covers her mouth with her hands.
VICK:
Detectives, go call an ambulance. (hurries to EMILY)
SHAWN:
Holy crap! (follows VICK)
JULIET and LASSITER hurry from the room.
INT. HOSPITAL, HALL, NIGHT
JULIET is on the phone outside EMILY’S room.
JULIET:
She's stable now. They've pumped her stomach. I have a sample on the way to the lab.
INT. HOSPITAL, ROOM, NIGHT
SHAWN is sitting at the foot of EMILY’S bed, resting his head on his hand. He sighs and lowers his arm. EMILY slowly wakes up.
SHAWN:
(sits forward) Emily.
EMILY:
Black. Wh-what are you doing here?
SHAWN:
(stands) It's a long story that you don't really need to hear. How do you feel?
EMILY:
Not terrible. I just...I can't remember anything that happened after I finished, my dinner.
SHAWN:
Dinner. What did you have?
EMILY:
Well, the pizza was gone, so I just had a super food smoothie and some Tofurkey jerky.
SHAWN:
Oh, my God.
EMILY:
What? I was really hungry, and I just wanted something quickly.
SHAWN starts bouncing up and down excitedly.
SHAWN:
No, no, no, I've gotta go solve... I'm... I-m... I'm really glad, though, that you're feeling... That you're not, um... My name is... How 'bout I come back later?
EMILY:
Yeah, I'd like that.
SHAWN:
Sweet! (knocks on window by JULIET and runs out of the room)
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
The club is holding a memorial service for the designers.
WOMAN ON PA:
Gregor and Ciaobella...
SHAWN and GUS cross the floor.
SHAWN:
I'm all over the second and third halves with these smoothies. All the models that would have benefited from killing Gregor and Ciaobella have no reason to kill Emily too, I don't think. What's the missing link?
GUS:
Right, put a pin in it, and I'll make my move on Berlinda, and we'll pick it up in the morning.
WOMAN ON PA:
Only a few know that their actual wedding took place in a private ceremony on the small Bahamian island of Abaco two years earlier. Today would have been their tenth wedding anniversary.
BERLINDA waves at GUS and he makes to walk over but SHAWN grabs him by the arm.
SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa. Did you know that?
GUS:
No, Shawn. I'm not interested in learning new trivia about our murder victims.
SHAWN:
Ten years is a milestone anniversary in this state, Gus. Financially, it's a benchmark. It means all the assets get split right down the middle.
GUS:
We're not gonna solve this thing tonight, Shawn.
SHAWN:
I know part of it. I might even know 2/3 of it. Dude, I could totally go up there.
GUS:
But you won't.
LASSITER and JULIET enter with a uniformed officer.
LASSITER:
All right, Spencer, we did a rush tox screen on Emily.
JULIET:
You were right. She had the same poison in her system as Ciaobella, but in a much higher dose.
SHAWN:
(puts hands to head) I definitely know 2/3 of it!
GUS:
(pulls SHAWN aside) Stop it, Shawn. Don't do it. Don't just get up there and start winging it. That's not how we operate.
SHAWN:
Dude, where have you been for the last two years?
GUS:
Come on, Shawn. I'm so close.
BERLINDA comes up and wraps her arm around GUS’ and takes him away.
LASSITER:
Would you tell us why we're here?
SHAWN holds up a hand as he watches the video.
WOMAN ON PA:
Never afraid to take risks, Ciaobella's dress of electric lights set the Paris fashion world ablaze...
SHAWN:
Oh, my God, this is a doozy. I mean, wow. (walks forward)
WOMAN ON PA:
…establishing her as one of the top designers working today.
SHAWN goes up the steps to the stage and takes the microphone from the stand.
SHAWN:
Stop the projector!
The video keeps going. The crowd ignores him.
SHAWN:
Or... or just keep it going. That's... that's fine. I know this may be hard for some of you to believe, but I'm not really Black. And I'm not a model. My partner Gus and I are detectives.
BERLINDA:
You're not a model?
GUS:
I'm only a detective part-time. And my full name is Tangus.
BERLINDA exclaims in disgust and walks away.
SHAWN:
(points to picture of CIAOBELLA) Ciaobella Masterson was murdered by her husband, (points to picture of GREGOR) Gregor Uwe-Steeb. (struts across the stage)
LASSITER:
Wait, wait, wait. That doesn't make any sense. Gregor was already dead.
SHAWN:
Do I come down to your office and bother you while you're working?
LASSITER:
All the time.
SHAWN:
That's fair. Gregor was having an affair. [SIGRID slips the love note into GREGOR’S pocket] He couldn't chance getting caught. Not with his tenth wedding anniversary approaching. He was desperate to get out of the marriage without losing half of his company. [GREGOR puts poison into the blender] So he poisoned Ciaobella's green super food powder. Only she wouldn't die... because she was bulimic. Ciaobella couldn't keep anything she ate down. [CIAOBELLA puts two fingers down her throat – SHAWN noticed the discoloration earlier] That's why it took forever for the poison to take effect. All Gregor could do was wait...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FLASHBACK
INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION, DAY
SIGRID:
He wouldn't even let me drink out of the same glass as her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INT. CLUB, NIGHT
SHAWN:
And keep his vampire mistress away from the poisonous elements.
Sobbing, SIGRID runs from the room.
SHAWN:
But Ciaobella knew of the affair, and had herself a mind for murder. Using her own skills with electricity, [CIAOBELLA fixes the electric dress] she laid a trap for Gregor [GREGOR holds the mic stand] before his plan was complete. What's up?!
GUS shakes his head. LASSITER and JULIET merely look puzzled. BRYAN and HASSENFEFFER are stunned.
LASSITER:
What about Emily?
JULIET:
Emily was drinking a super food smoothie the day she took over.
SHAWN:
Really, Jules? You too?
JULIET:
I'm sorry.
SHAWN:
Is this just a free-for-all? Anybody can just bounce in anytime they want?
JULIET:
I'm sorry.
SHAWN:
In summation, Ciaobella killed Gregor. Gregor killed Ciaobella. Emily got caught in the green powdery crossfire. But not before she designed the new fall line. It's revolutionary, by the way. We all deserve to feel beautiful.
LASSITER:
(holds up handcuffs) What am I supposed to do with these?
SHAWN:
Nothing. Put 'em away. I guess what I'm saying is... you're all free to go. That was crazy, right?
Nobody moves. SHAWN goes back to JULIET and LASSITER.
LASSITER:
You could have told me that over the phone. Hell, you could've put it in an email. (to JULIET) Come on.
LASSITER and JULIET leave. GUS walks over to SHAWN.
SHAWN:
Dude, did you see that? That was, like, the most stylish wrap-up ever. Except for the part where there was no one to accuse. But whatever, right? It was hot. (GUS walks away) Gus. Gus?
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT
HENRY is standing by the window. He’s wearing a black turtleneck. SHAWN enters from the kitchen.
SHAWN:
All right, here I am. Why are you dressed like Perry Como?
HENRY:
Thanks for coming, Son.
SHAWN:
You said it was important. (chuckles) Clearly, you're about to shoot an Old Spice commercial.
HENRY:
That's funny. Look, Shawn, I just... I need to talk to you. You know, face-to-face.
SHAWN:
I got it. You've been invited to a very special screening of Bullitt.
HENRY:
I'm going on another date with Susan.
SHAWN:
What, the woman you described as a carnivorous mink?
HENRY:
I'll admit her behavior threw me a little off balance, but the night ended up being a lot of fun.
SHAWN:
Oh, my God. You have a hickey!
HENRY:
Shawn, Shawn. (fiddles with his collar)
SHAWN:
You called me over here to show off your hickey?! That's sick!
HENRY:
Shawn, no! No, I called you over here because... I don't want to feel guilty about moving on with my life. Your mother's not a part of it anymore. She hasn't been for a long time. She is not coming back. And I hope she's happy. Yeah... I mean that. She deserves it. But my life is here, Shawn. And I don't want to have to sneak around trying to live it.
SHAWN:
I can't deal with this right now. (starts to walk away)
HENRY:
Well, Shawn, you have to.
SHAWN:
(angry) Look, I don't care what you do, okay? I don't care. I just don't want to hear about it. So don't call me on the phone asking me for advice. And don't expect me to meet you and your new dominatrix girlfriend for dinner.
HENRY:
All right, look. Kid, this is not easy for me either.
SHAWN:
Yeah, it never was. Have a nice date.
SHAWN sighs and walks away only to stop in the doorway to the kitchen. He slaps the wall before turning back.
SHAWN:
And unless you plan on taking her to Wayne Manor, lose the turtleneck, okay? Let her admire her work. And remember, you treat a woman like a person, and then a princess, and then a Greek goddess...
HENRY:
And then a person again.
SHAWN:
Right. Okay. (leaves)
no subject
Date: 2014-05-20 09:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-21 02:06 am (UTC)