jpgr | Transcript: 2x16 Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead

Yes! Season 2 is done! Not sure when I'll get to 3, but I will, promise.

1987

INT. SPENCER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

HENRY and MRS SPENCER are snuggled on the couch watching “The Creature from the Black Lagoon” and eating popcorn. There is a thunderstorm outside.

MRS. SPENCER:
(stands) Hon, I'm gonna grab a drink. (heads for kitchen)

HENRY:
Wanna get me one too, sweetie?

MRS. SPENCER:
Okay.

SHAWN sneaks down the stairs and peers around the wall. He is very scared. On the couch, HENRY hears the stair creak and turns around but doesn’t see anything. He turns back to the TV. SHAWN peers around the wall again and the couch is empty. SHAWN leans around a little further and HENRY pops his head out.

HENRY:
Shawn. What are you doing? You were supposed to be asleep two hours ago.

SHAWN:
I was watching. And then I know I shouldn't, but then... I didn't want to go back upstairs. I was scared.

HENRY:
All right. (picks up SHAWN and takes him to the couch) Now listen, now you know that none of this is real, right? It’s all make-believe. People do not become bloodthirsty monsters after they get shot. In fact, I've had a lot of experience in the field with puncture wounds, and there's no way a giant dart to the lungs creates a 6-inch hole visible from the other side.

SHAWN:
Really?

HENRY:
No way! I mean, maybe the blood-engorged cavity will become purple and expand and perhaps even explode...I've seen that. (HENRY sees SHAWN’S wide eyes) Look, dead bodies do not walk, son. Sometimes they suddenly blink or jolt for a second, but... Mostly they just wither and smell... And drizzle and ooze.

SHAWN smiles nervously and looks at the TV where the Creature is trapped and roars.

HENRY:
All right, now go to bed. Sleep tight.

SHAWN slowly moves away from the couch and towards the stairs.

PRESENT

INT. MUSEUM, NIGHT

LASSITER and JULIET pass through the exhibits.

LASSITER:
A museum? 4:00 in the morning for a museum and not even the one downtown? Hey, the paper come out yet?

JULIET:
I don't know. They running another story on the Wyles death?

They reach a room where some officers are stationed. JULIET splits from LASSITER, putting an exhibit wall between them.

LASSITER:
I don't know. Perhaps. Gosh, I hadn't even thought about that.

JULIET:
(rejoins him) Carlton, you're name's been in every article they've printed since you've reopened the case.

LASSITER:
Has it? I try not to read the papers too much... Very skewed. No, I was just gonna look at the classified ads. I mean, you know I've been looking for a new Bob's Big Boy, right?

BUZZ finds them in a room of medieval armor.

BUZZ:
I got it, Detective. Press operator from The Mirror gave me an advanced copy. But there's nothing about you or Wyles in there.

LASSITER takes the paper from BUZZ and searches it.

LASSITER:
What? Impossible. I leaked that stuff about the will getting changed yesterday.

BUZZ:
Hey, did you say you were looking for a Big Boy, like a full-size?

LASSITER:
(shoves the paper at BUZZ) Go away. Thing's a rag anyway.

LASSITER and JULIET continue on. A MAN in a suit hands a young woman a tape.

MAN:
Security tape, Ms. Bridgewell.

JULIET:
(holds out hand) Hi, I'm Detective O'Hara.

BRIDGEWELL:
(shakes JULIET’S hand) Sophie.

LASSITER:
Wait, you're the curator?

SOPHIE:
Assistant curator.

LASSITER:
I'd like to speak to someone in charge.

SOPHIE:
I am in charge.

JULIET:
She sounds in charge.

LASSITER looks at JULIET.

SOPHIE:
The mummy room's this way. Please follow me. (leads the way)

LASSITER:
Where's the curator?

SOPHIE:
He's in Egypt procuring the rest of this collection, but I assure you…

JULIET:
There's no need. He's been working all night. Can you catch us up?

SOPHIE:
This exhibit just opened yesterday. I don't know how this is possible.

LASSITER:
It was a prank or some sort of dare.

SOPHIE:
It's a 3,000-year-old mummy that's missing, officer.

LASSITER:
It's Detective. And it's not like it was covered in gold. I mean he wasn't a king or a prince or even a royal food taster. He was just some guy who happened to die, got himself wrapped up, and was found in a pretty, cracked box. He probably mummified himself.

JULIET:
He hasn't had his coffee yet. Has anyone found the night watchman?

SOPHIE:
I'm afraid not.

LASSITER:
Night watchman. (opens file) Douglas F. Hastings, 47, three counts of felony burglary on his record.

JULIET:
Technically, burglary is a felony.

LASSITER:
Two charges dropped. Don't you people run background checks?

SOPHIE:
Doug was a very good employee who's been here seven years. And we have a complex security system.

LASSITER:
Which was due to be overhauled last spring.

SOPHIE:
We pushed it back. We have a very abulic board of Directors.

LASSITER:
Good, I'd like to speak with each one of them as soon as the sun rises. Now if you'll forgive us, we have several high-profile cases that don't involve archaic security systems in rundown buildings. O'Hara, put out an APB on the guard's vehicle, look up the word "abulic" and meet us back at the station.

SOPHIE:
Just a minute! I don't know who you are, Detective, but this was no prank. The alarm was triggered from the inside. And although our archaic security footage was limited to rotating shots of the four main rooms, not a single image shows the culprit or the mummy being carried from the building.

LASSITER and JULIET have stopped to face SOPHIE. Behind them is the display of a large skull of a T-Rex.

JULIET:
(looks through file) She's right. It's all right here.

SOPHIE hands the video to LASSITER, who passes it to JULIET.

SOPHIE:
The mummy disappeared in 15 seconds or less and our main feed picked up none of it. This all cracks of something larger than petty crime, and, not to sound too Shirley MacLaine, screams of something potentially supernatural. This requires someone with skills beyond the normal person. I want him. (points behind the detectives)

LASSITER turns around and sees the plaque next to the T-Rex skull. It is SHAWN. It reads “Discovered by Psychic Paleo-Sleuth SHAWN SPENCER”.

LASSITER:
No, you don't.

SOPHIE:
Yes, I do.

JULIET:
(takes out phone) Do you think he's up?

EXT. MOTEL, NIGHT

SHAWN stands in the fenced pool area, a camera aimed at the parking lot. He takes a photo of a woman as she gets out of the passenger side of a car. His cell buzzes and he answers.

SHAWN:
Hello? Jules!

The woman is joined by a man, who looks around nervously before following the woman up the stairs.

SHAWN:
Actually I'm wide awake. Why do you ask? You want to watch a movie together over the phone? Please say it's Father of the Bride 2. How about Captain Ron?Pure Luck? You don't have anything with Martin Short?

SHAWN looks up as he hears the woman laugh. The couple pauses on the walkway for a quick kiss.

SHAWN:
Hold on a second.

SHAWN climbs the ladder to the pool slide for a better vantage point for his photographs. He takes a few of the couple entering a room.

SHAWN:
Well, you don't have to get snippy. You're the one that drunk-dialed me. Oh, really? I just assumed...I mean, it's 4:25, right? The museum? Are you kidding? They love me down there. You see my plaque?

INT. MUSEUM, DINOSAUR ROOM, NIGHT

SHAWN stands with JULIET next to his plaque.

SHAWN:
Uh-oh.

JULIET:
What's wrong?

SHAWN:
They only put one name on there.

JULIET:
So?

SHAWN:
So Gus is gonna have an aneurysm, and not the good kind.

LASSITER comes up between them and puts an arm around their shoulders.

LASSITER:
Spencer, we can rehash good times later. Right now I really need you to create some semblance of focus. (pulls SHAWN away and walks with him) Missing mummy. Missing guard. Old security system. Please tell our feisty little assistant curator that this was not some elaborate break-in so we can all go home.

SHAWN:
Okay, I'll try. (looks at a display) That a real beaver?

INT. MUSEUM, EGYPT ROOM, NIGHT

The case holding the empty sarcophagus is in the middle of the room. The glass lid is askew. Around the walls are displays containing other smaller artifacts. SOPHIE sees them arrive and walks over.

SHAWN:
Shawn Spencer. (holds out hand)

SOPHIE:
(shakes hand) I know. Sophie Morris Bridgewell.

SHAWN:
I know.

SOPHIE:
Everyone certainly loves you down here.

SHAWN:
And I love you. Metaphorically. (looks at JULIET) What? You had your shot. (walks into the room) Let me do what I do. (to CSI) Excuse me, I'll need some space. Thank you.

SHAWN slides his right foot forward, lowering himself towards the floor. He raises both hands to his head and looks over at SOPHIE, who seems impressed. SHAWN then falls forward, resting both arms on the dais, legs out behind him. With another look to SOPHIE, he starts doing push-ups. SOPHIE smiles and laughs, LASSITER rolls his eyes. SHAWN stands and looks at a display case against the wall.

SHAWN:
(points at random items) Have it. Have it. Want it. Have it. Mine's bigger. (walks around to the opposite side of the sarcophagus) I have a problem.

SOPHIE:
What is it?

SHAWN:
(continues around the display) The layout of this display is horrible. Who designed this? It's ridiculous. Really? We need two of these? Queen Nurfurtitty.

JULIET:
Nefertiti.

SHAWN:
I've heard it both ways.

SHAWN squats down beside the sarcophagus display and tilts his head. On the inside of the case lid is a hand print, like something tried to lift it from within. SHAWN stands and walks back to the others. On the polished floor, he notices footprints in the same dusty white as the hand.

SHAWN:
Huh.

LASSITER:
Well?

SHAWN:
I'm gonna have to concur with Detective Carlito Lassiteros on this one. That mummy was not stolen, Ms. Bridgewell.

LASSITER:
Great.

SHAWN:
I'm afraid it walked out all on its own.

**********************************************************************

PSYCH

“Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead”
By
Steve Franks

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Steve Franks

**********************************************************************

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER, SHAWN and JULIET enter the building and walk towards the bullpen.

LASSITER:
The mummy walked out? Come on, you're just trying to impress that pretty little assistant curator.

SHAWN:
Was she pretty? I hadn't noticed.

LASSITER:
Really? Brown eyes, languid smile, long slender neck of a Balanchine dancer.

JULIET:
I had three different hairstyles last week and you didn't comment on one.

SHAWN:
Look, I felt that something got up out of that coffin and walked away, not to the exit, but to the body of the museum.

VICK:
(walks up to them) Good, you're here. All of you in my office. (goes to her office)

SHAWN:
Sweet, now you got us in trouble.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

LASSITER, JULIET and SHAWN follow VICK into her office. She stands behind her desk and LASSITER sits in one of the chairs facing it.

VICK:
What I have to say is very... difficult.

SHAWN:
If this in any way pertains to Lassiter's third testicle, I'm afraid we already know.

VICK:
This is no time for jokes, Mr. Spencer. (sits and clears throat) When I accepted this position on an interim basis, the agreement between myself and the mayor was should things work out at an appropriate time, the interim would be removed from the title. As you know that has not yet happened. And recently I gave the mayor a deadline, a deadline that has passed without any sort of response. So effective Friday, I'm stepping down as chief.

JULIET:
What?

VICK:
I'm leaving.

JULIET:
You can't do that! Do they know?

VICK:
Oh, they know.

JULIET:
I'll write a letter. I'll start a petition. I'll leak it to the reporter at The Mirror.

VICK:
O'Hara, please. Thank you. I appreciate the sentiment, but the die is cast.

SHAWN:
Chief, are you sure you don't want to wait it out just a little bit longer? You never...

VICK:
No, Mr. Spencer.

LASSITER:
So you're saying the job is open.

JULIET smacks LASSITER on the back of the head. He looks up at her, questioning why.

LASSITER:
What? I mean, did anyone mention my name?

VICK:
I believe they have someone in mind.

LASSITER:
But you don't know if it's me?

SHAWN:
Look, Chief, let me just offer that I think you're a great chief. (sits in other chair) And, uh, I'm sure things will all work out.

VICK:
(trying to hold emotions) That's all for now.

SHAWN and LASSITER stand, hands in pockets, but don’t move.

VICK:
Go!

The three slowly leave the room.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN is watching the security footage from the museum on the TV. GUS enters.

GUS:
What are you watching?

SHAWN:
Security videos from the museum.

GUS:
Videos? As in actual video tapes?

SHAWN:
Well, their system could use an overhaul.

GUS pulls his chair up beside SHAWN to watch the video but SHAWN stands and blocks the TV.

GUS:
Where are the tapes from the other cameras?

SHAWN:
That's it.

GUS:
One tape? (tries to look around SHAWN)

SHAWN:
(moves to block GUS) Yeah, it's on a rotation. It's actually not a bad system, you know? It appears you can't leave the museum without getting caught by the cameras.

GUS:
So it's sufficient?

SHAWN:
Maybe. (turns off TV) We should, probably check it out for ourselves, though. What say you?

GUS:
Sure.

SHAWN:
(heads for the door) There's one thing you should probably know before we get there.

INT. MUSEUM, DINOSAUR ROOM, DAY

SHAWN and GUS look at the plaque for “Zippy”. GUS is not pleased.

GUS:
"Paleo-sleuth Shawn Spencer"?

SHAWN:
(puts hands up) I know.

GUS:
I dug that thing up too.

SHAWN:
Gus, believe me, I was appalled myself at first. Sickened, really. But then I noticed, look! They didn't forget you completely.

GUS:
Where?

SHAWN:
There, right there! The "photo by" section.

GUS:
That says "photo by Bruton Gaster."

SHAWN:
Well I gave 'em the info when I was driving through a tunnel, so that probably played a role.

GUS:
I want a new plaque, Shawn. I want it tomorrow. I want my name in big yellow letters that blink, and why won't you even tell me what this museum case is about?

SHAWN:
In time. In time.

SOPHIE joins them.

SOPHIE:
Gentlemen, thank you for coming. (shakes SHAWN’S hand) Mr. Spencer, very good to see you again. (shakes GUS’ hand) And you must be Mr. Gaster.

GUS:
Guster, Burton Guster. You people ever hear of spell checker?

SHAWN:
I was just giving Gaster here all the specifics.

SOPHIE:
Yes, well the exhibit just opened yesterday afternoon without a hitch. The alarm went off at 3:00 a.m.

SHAWN:
I was here at 5:00.

GUS:
A.M.? (scoffs) You were not.

SHAWN:
I was. I was working.

GUS:
Doing what?

SHAWN:
It was a private case. Look, I don't think we should bore Ms. Bridgewell here with the complexities of our other investigations.

GUS:
You're not tailing cheating boyfriends again, are you?

SHAWN:
(laughs)(whispers harshly) Gus, come on. I'm trying to look cool.

GUS:
I told you before, Shawn. We are bigger than that. We cleared, like, 50 bucks on the last one.

SHAWN:
Gus. Psychic-client privilege and what not? Huh? Come on. (to SOPHIE) Shall we continue?

SOPHIE:
Yes, this way. (walks away)

SHAWN:
(follows SOPHIE)(to GUS) What's wrong with you?

GUS:
You stole my picture!

INT. MUSEUM, EGYPT ROOM, DAY

SHAWN and SOPHIE proceed into the room as GUS hangs back, refusing to set foot inside.

SOPHIE:
So the bulk of the activity seems to have occurred in here.

SHAWN:
Yes, I can see it. The lid sliding off the being rising up, walking across the floor not unlike an Egyptian. Gus can show you. (turns and sees GUS outside the room) Gus?

GUS:
No.

SHAWN:
No what?

GUS:
You know I'm not walking into that room, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Come on, dude. I thought this was over in the sixth grade.

SOPHIE:
What's wrong?

SHAWN:
He won't break the plane of the mummy room.

SOPHIE:
Why not?

SHAWN:
He's afraid of being cursed.

SOPHIE:
He's not that far off base really.

SHAWN:
Please don't coddle him.

GUS:
Fact: every one of those guys that unearthed Tut's tomb, cursed. They're all dead now.

SHAWN:
Of course they are. That was over 80 years ago. Come on, man. This is gonna be good for you. Walk to me. Face your fears.

GUS:
You can talk all you want, but facts and logic will win out this time.

SHAWN:
Facts and logic are in the corner of the guy who thinks he's gonna get his face melted off?

GUS:
I'm not hearing it, Shawn.

SOPHIE:
Well you wanted to check the cameras, right?

SHAWN:
Will you set foot in the security camera room?

GUS pivots, motioning for SOPHIE and SHAWN to go ahead. SHAWN shakes his head in disbelief. SOPHIE merely smiles.

INT. MUSEUM, SECURITY ROOM, DAY

GUS sits at the desk as he and SHAWN watch the monitors for the security cameras.

SHAWN:
This system's actually better than I thought. Even if you make it out of one room, you get picked up in the next room immediately.

GUS:
Yeah.

SHAWN:
I'm gonna try and beat the system. Watch me, just on the center screen. See if I can get out.

GUS:
All I gotta do is sit here? Fine.

SHAWN:
(pulls phone from pocket) Yeah, we'll communicate on the phone, so give me a call. (heads for door)

GUS:
(spins around) No, you call me. This is my work cell. I'm not paying for that call.

SHAWN:
Gus, it's usage minutes. It doesn't matter which one of us makes the call.

GUS:
Just call me, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Fine. (leaves)

GUS spins back around to face the monitors and pulls out his phone.

SHAWN:
(returns) I'm sorry, I can't let this go. It's a monthly plan. It's a minutes plan.

GUS:
Can we get started with this thing now?

SHAWN stammers and leaves.

INT. MUSEUM, DINOSAUR ROOM, DAY

SHAWN is on his phone as he walks through the crowded room. He then makes a dash out the way he came.

INT. MUSEUM, SECURITY ROOM, DAY

GUS watches the monitor as SHAWN runs through one of the exhibits.

GUS:
I saw that. Got it on two angles.

SHAWN runs through the dinosaur room past Zippy.

GUS:
Do you want to give this up any time soon?

SHAWN crawls on all fours across the floor of another room.

GUS:
You're crawling.

Back in the dinosaur room, SHAWN hides behind a plant, pushing it in front of him.

GUS:
I see you, Shawn. You're behind the plant.

SHAWN peers out from the top of the plant.

GUS:
See you there. See you there.

SHAWN pushes the plant across the room.

GUS:
The plant is moving across the room, Shawn.

SHAWN then walks closely behind a very nervous woman.

GUS:
Leave that poor lady alone, Shawn.

SHAWN next uses a square of carpet held over her head as he slowly walks across the floor.

GUS:
You're using the carpet? Really? Wait a minute. I almost bought that for a second.

SHAWN then uses a wolf pelt as he runs across the floor of the dinosaur room.

GUS:
You're using the wolf pelt? This is like watching Entrapment if instead of Catherine Zeta-Jones they had some guy with pancake butt.

SHAWN:
(into phone) I do not have pancake butt!

One of the patrons stares at SHAWN as he walks past after this announcement.*

INT. MUSEUM, EGYPT ROOM, DAY

SHAWN is hiding behind the black marble slab near the sarcophagus, still on the phone with GUS. He doesn’t see SOPHIE enter.

SHAWN:
What you got? You got something?

GUS:
(over phone) Yep.

SHAWN:
Really?

GUS:
(over phone) Yep.

SHAWN:
You can see me right now?

GUS:
(over phone) Horrid, Shawny boy. Horrid. Horrid.

SHAWN stands and SOPHIE sees him.

INT. MUSEUM, SECURITY ROOM, DAY

GUS watches as SOPHIE greets SHAWN.

SOPHIE:
Hi! Hello!

GUS:
Great, now I gotta watch this?

INT. MUSEUM, EGYPT ROOM, DAY

Looking at the camera, SHAWN presses a button on his phone.,/i>

INT. MUSEUM, SECURITY ROOM, DAY

GUS:
You're muting me for the first interesting thing that's happened? (mocks SHAWN) "Look at me, look at me. I love my hair. I can make obscure '80s references that nobody understands. Laugh at me. Hey, know something about me? I have a motorcycle, but I never seem to be riding it."

SHAWN and SOPHIE leave the room together.

INT. MUSEUM, AMERICANA ROOM, DAY

SHAWN is attempting to hide behind a cut-out cactus.

SHAWN:
How about this? Are you seeing this?

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. MUSEUM, SECURITY ROOM, DAY

GUS:
Yep.

SHAWN:
(moves head a fraction) How about now? You see this?

GUS:
Terrible.

SHAWN:
(by cactus, bucket over his head, phone held up to the bucket) How about this? You seeing this?

GUS:
If you're gonna hide under a barrel, don't put the phone next to your ear.

SHAWN:
(walks sideways, back pressed against a wall) You're getting all of this? You can see all of this?

GUS:
Yep. Whoa, I lost you.

SHAWN reappears on the monitor.

GUS:
There you are.

SHAWN:
(over phone) Ha! I got you.

GUS:
For one second, Shawn.

With a sly grin, SHAWN runs to a corner of the room.

GUS:
Trying that corner again? Please. (chuckles)(phone beeps) Shawn? Eh...great. Now you wore down my battery. (watches monitor) Where are you?

SHAWN leans over next to GUS.

SHAWN:
How about now?

GUS starts and looks at SHAWN. SHAWN closes his phone and looks at the monitor.

SHAWN:
Bingo.

INT. SBPD, CONFERENCE ROOM, DAY

LASSITER closes the door and looks over at a MAN sitting at the table.

LASSITER:
I'm sure you can understand, Mr. Wyles, why I've been so motivated by what I've uncovered in this investigation. (sits across from WYLES)

WYLES:
Well, all I know, detective, is I certainly seem to see your name in the paper every day.

LASSITER:
Really? Which paper would that be, because you know I've missed some of the coverage.

WYLES:
Can we just get on with what you want?

LASSITER:
Of course. (opens file) It's really just more of a formality than anything. I wasn't even going to call you in today. I just need to go over a few bank records and see some papers and exhume your father's body.

WYLES:
I'm sorry. What was that last one?

LASSITER:
Oh, uh, it's just more of a technical detail than anything exhuming your father's body. I mean, you wouldn't even have to be there. I could have him back in eternal slumber by noon. 1:45 at the latest.

INT. MUSEUM, DINOSAUR ROOM, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS walk through the exhibit. There’s no one else there.

GUS:
This place is gonna close soon.

SHAWN:
No, it’s not.

GUS:
Shawn, I was in there forever. Somebody's shutting off the lights with us in here.

SHAWN:
Pretty sure that's a timer.

INT. MUSEUM, LOBBY, NIGHT

GUS and SHAWN walk towards to doors.

GUS:
Why would they set a timer with people still in here?

SHAWN:
'Cause the museum closed 20 minutes ago?

GUS:
(pulls on the locked doors and panics) How did they close it with us inside? (crosses the lobby to try different doors)

SHAWN:
(follows GUS) Well, remember I said I talked to Sophie the curator? She's very sweet, by the way. She loves Red Robin. Isn't that a strange favorite restaurant?

GUS climbs behind the hanging backdrop.

SHAWN:
You're going behind the tarp? Really? There's an exit behind the tarp? You're probably gonna be eaten by carpet beetles.

SHAWN walks down the hall as GUS fights his way behind the tarp.

SHAWN:
Look, I discovered a number of intriguing things when I was figuring out how to crack…

GUS:
Ow!

SHAWN:
…the security cameras, including an exhibit that looked like it had already been broken into, so what I'm thinking is whoever did it might come back because anyone on the inside knows that there's no night guard on duty and...

GUS emerges from the other end of the tarp.

GUS:
And what?

SHAWN:
Sophie said it was cool.

GUS:
What was cool?

SHAWN:
Come on, man. Haven't you ever wanted to spend a night in the museum? You know, do it up with all the stuffed creatures and the bones?

GUS:
No, Shawn, I haven't. I can't spend the night in the museum. I don't have my tooth brush. I don't have any of my multivitamins. And oh, yeah, I don't want my soul suffering eternal damnation for disrupting the sleep of an Egyptian canal digger. (walks off)

SHAWN:
Come on, dude! With Hastings on the lam, they're fresh out of night watchmen. Sophie was actually quite happy that I offered. She's taking me to dinner. What do they have at Red Robin?

INT. MUSEUM, HALL, NIGHT

GUS spots an emergency door and pushes against it as SHAWN talks.

SHAWN:
Come on, Gus. They didn't get what they were looking for the first time. Maybe they'll break in again. We'll be here to catch 'em red-handed. Won't that be cool? Dude, there's probably a sensor of some sort. Take a step back.

GUS steps back from the door and waves his hands in front of the door to check for a motion sensor.

SHAWN:
Okay, now try it.

GUS pushes against the door with a grunt as SHAWN smiles. GUS steps back and SHAWN notices something outside.

SHAWN:
What's on the hill?

In the rolling evening mist, something metallic can be seen.

GUS:
That's freedom, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Does that look like a camera?

GUS:
No. No one's gonna leave their camera outside in the mist so it can get ruined.

SHAWN:
Looks like a camera to me.

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Yes! Season 2 is done! Not sure when I'll get to 3, but I will, promise.

<lj-cut text="Fact: every one of those guys that unearthed Tut's tomb, cursed. They're all dead now.">
1987

INT. SPENCER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT

HENRY and MRS SPENCER are snuggled on the couch watching “The Creature from the Black Lagoon” and eating popcorn. There is a thunderstorm outside.

MRS. SPENCER:
(stands) Hon, I'm gonna grab a drink. (heads for kitchen)

HENRY:
Wanna get me one too, sweetie?

MRS. SPENCER:
Okay.

SHAWN sneaks down the stairs and peers around the wall. He is very scared. On the couch, HENRY hears the stair creak and turns around but doesn’t see anything. He turns back to the TV. SHAWN peers around the wall again and the couch is empty. SHAWN leans around a little further and HENRY pops his head out.

HENRY:
Shawn. What are you doing? You were supposed to be asleep two hours ago.

SHAWN:
I was watching. And then I know I shouldn't, but then... I didn't want to go back upstairs. I was scared.

HENRY:
All right. (picks up SHAWN and takes him to the couch) Now listen, now you know that none of this is real, right? It’s all make-believe. People do not become bloodthirsty monsters after they get shot. In fact, I've had a lot of experience in the field with puncture wounds, and there's no way a giant dart to the lungs creates a 6-inch hole visible from the other side.

SHAWN:
Really?

HENRY:
No way! I mean, maybe the blood-engorged cavity will become purple and expand and perhaps even explode...I've seen that. (HENRY sees SHAWN’S wide eyes) Look, dead bodies do not walk, son. Sometimes they suddenly blink or jolt for a second, but... Mostly they just wither and smell... And drizzle and ooze.

SHAWN smiles nervously and looks at the TV where the Creature is trapped and roars.

HENRY:
All right, now go to bed. Sleep tight.

SHAWN slowly moves away from the couch and towards the stairs.

PRESENT

INT. MUSEUM, NIGHT

LASSITER and JULIET pass through the exhibits.

LASSITER:
A museum? 4:00 in the morning for a museum and not even the one downtown? Hey, the paper come out yet?

JULIET:
I don't know. They running another story on the Wyles death?

They reach a room where some officers are stationed. JULIET splits from LASSITER, putting an exhibit wall between them.

LASSITER:
I don't know. Perhaps. Gosh, I hadn't even thought about that.

JULIET:
(rejoins him) Carlton, you're name's been in every article they've printed since you've reopened the case.

LASSITER:
Has it? I try not to read the papers too much... Very skewed. No, I was just gonna look at the classified ads. I mean, you know I've been looking for a new Bob's Big Boy, right?

BUZZ finds them in a room of medieval armor.

BUZZ:
I got it, Detective. Press operator from The Mirror gave me an advanced copy. But there's nothing about you or Wyles in there.

LASSITER takes the paper from BUZZ and searches it.

LASSITER:
What? Impossible. I leaked that stuff about the will getting changed yesterday.

BUZZ:
Hey, did you say you were looking for a Big Boy, like a full-size?

LASSITER:
(shoves the paper at BUZZ) Go away. Thing's a rag anyway.

LASSITER and JULIET continue on. A MAN in a suit hands a young woman a tape.

MAN:
Security tape, Ms. Bridgewell.

JULIET:
(holds out hand) Hi, I'm Detective O'Hara.

BRIDGEWELL:
(shakes JULIET’S hand) Sophie.

LASSITER:
Wait, you're the curator?

SOPHIE:
Assistant curator.

LASSITER:
I'd like to speak to someone in charge.

SOPHIE:
I am in charge.

JULIET:
She sounds in charge.

LASSITER looks at JULIET.

SOPHIE:
The mummy room's this way. Please follow me. (leads the way)

LASSITER:
Where's the curator?

SOPHIE:
He's in Egypt procuring the rest of this collection, but I assure you…

JULIET:
There's no need. He's been working all night. Can you catch us up?

SOPHIE:
This exhibit just opened yesterday. I don't know how this is possible.

LASSITER:
It was a prank or some sort of dare.

SOPHIE:
It's a 3,000-year-old mummy that's missing, officer.

LASSITER:
It's Detective. And it's not like it was covered in gold. I mean he wasn't a king or a prince or even a royal food taster. He was just some guy who happened to die, got himself wrapped up, and was found in a pretty, cracked box. He probably mummified himself.

JULIET:
He hasn't had his coffee yet. Has anyone found the night watchman?

SOPHIE:
I'm afraid not.

LASSITER:
Night watchman. (opens file) Douglas F. Hastings, 47, three counts of felony burglary on his record.

JULIET:
Technically, burglary is a felony.

LASSITER:
Two charges dropped. Don't you people run background checks?

SOPHIE:
Doug was a very good employee who's been here seven years. And we have a complex security system.

LASSITER:
Which was due to be overhauled last spring.

SOPHIE:
We pushed it back. We have a very abulic board of Directors.

LASSITER:
Good, I'd like to speak with each one of them as soon as the sun rises. Now if you'll forgive us, we have several high-profile cases that don't involve archaic security systems in rundown buildings. O'Hara, put out an APB on the guard's vehicle, look up the word "abulic" and meet us back at the station.

SOPHIE:
Just a minute! I don't know who you are, Detective, but this was no prank. The alarm was triggered from the inside. And although our archaic security footage was limited to rotating shots of the four main rooms, not a single image shows the culprit or the mummy being carried from the building.

LASSITER and JULIET have stopped to face SOPHIE. Behind them is the display of a large skull of a T-Rex.

JULIET:
(looks through file) She's right. It's all right here.

SOPHIE hands the video to LASSITER, who passes it to JULIET.

SOPHIE:
The mummy disappeared in 15 seconds or less and our main feed picked up none of it. This all cracks of something larger than petty crime, and, not to sound too Shirley MacLaine, screams of something potentially supernatural. This requires someone with skills beyond the normal person. I want him. (points behind the detectives)

LASSITER turns around and sees the plaque next to the T-Rex skull. It is SHAWN. It reads “Discovered by Psychic Paleo-Sleuth SHAWN SPENCER”.

LASSITER:
No, you don't.

SOPHIE:
Yes, I do.

JULIET:
(takes out phone) Do you think he's up?

EXT. MOTEL, NIGHT

SHAWN stands in the fenced pool area, a camera aimed at the parking lot. He takes a photo of a woman as she gets out of the passenger side of a car. His cell buzzes and he answers.

SHAWN:
Hello? Jules!

The woman is joined by a man, who looks around nervously before following the woman up the stairs.

SHAWN:
Actually I'm wide awake. Why do you ask? You want to watch a movie together over the phone? Please say it's Father of the Bride 2. How about Captain Ron?Pure Luck? You don't have anything with Martin Short?

SHAWN looks up as he hears the woman laugh. The couple pauses on the walkway for a quick kiss.

SHAWN:
Hold on a second.

SHAWN climbs the ladder to the pool slide for a better vantage point for his photographs. He takes a few of the couple entering a room.

SHAWN:
Well, you don't have to get snippy. You're the one that drunk-dialed me. Oh, really? I just assumed...I mean, it's 4:25, right? The museum? Are you kidding? They love me down there. You see my plaque?

INT. MUSEUM, DINOSAUR ROOM, NIGHT

SHAWN stands with JULIET next to his plaque.

SHAWN:
Uh-oh.

JULIET:
What's wrong?

SHAWN:
They only put one name on there.

JULIET:
So?

SHAWN:
So Gus is gonna have an aneurysm, and not the good kind.

LASSITER comes up between them and puts an arm around their shoulders.

LASSITER:
Spencer, we can rehash good times later. Right now I really need you to create some semblance of focus. (pulls SHAWN away and walks with him) Missing mummy. Missing guard. Old security system. Please tell our feisty little assistant curator that this was not some elaborate break-in so we can all go home.

SHAWN:
Okay, I'll try. (looks at a display) That a real beaver?

INT. MUSEUM, EGYPT ROOM, NIGHT

The case holding the empty sarcophagus is in the middle of the room. The glass lid is askew. Around the walls are displays containing other smaller artifacts. SOPHIE sees them arrive and walks over.

SHAWN:
Shawn Spencer. (holds out hand)

SOPHIE:
(shakes hand) I know. Sophie Morris Bridgewell.

SHAWN:
I know.

SOPHIE:
Everyone certainly loves you down here.

SHAWN:
And I love you. Metaphorically. (looks at JULIET) What? You had your shot. (walks into the room) Let me do what I do. (to CSI) Excuse me, I'll need some space. Thank you.

SHAWN slides his right foot forward, lowering himself towards the floor. He raises both hands to his head and looks over at SOPHIE, who seems impressed. SHAWN then falls forward, resting both arms on the dais, legs out behind him. With another look to SOPHIE, he starts doing push-ups. SOPHIE smiles and laughs, LASSITER rolls his eyes. SHAWN stands and looks at a display case against the wall.

SHAWN:
(points at random items) Have it. Have it. Want it. Have it. Mine's bigger. (walks around to the opposite side of the sarcophagus) I have a problem.

SOPHIE:
What is it?

SHAWN:
(continues around the display) The layout of this display is horrible. Who designed this? It's ridiculous. Really? We need two of these? Queen Nurfurtitty.

JULIET:
Nefertiti.

SHAWN:
I've heard it both ways.

SHAWN squats down beside the sarcophagus display and tilts his head. On the inside of the case lid is a hand print, like something tried to lift it from within. SHAWN stands and walks back to the others. On the polished floor, he notices footprints in the same dusty white as the hand.

SHAWN:
Huh.

LASSITER:
Well?

SHAWN:
I'm gonna have to concur with Detective Carlito Lassiteros on this one. That mummy was not stolen, Ms. Bridgewell.

LASSITER:
Great.

SHAWN:
I'm afraid it walked out all on its own.

<center>**********************************************************************

PSYCH

“Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead”
By
Steve Franks

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Steve Franks

**********************************************************************</center>

INT. SBPD, HALL, DAY

LASSITER, SHAWN and JULIET enter the building and walk towards the bullpen.

LASSITER:
The mummy walked out? Come on, you're just trying to impress that pretty little assistant curator.

SHAWN:
Was she pretty? I hadn't noticed.

LASSITER:
Really? Brown eyes, languid smile, long slender neck of a Balanchine dancer.

JULIET:
I had three different hairstyles last week and you didn't comment on one.

SHAWN:
Look, I felt that something got up out of that coffin and walked away, not to the exit, but to the body of the museum.

VICK:
(walks up to them) Good, you're here. All of you in my office. (goes to her office)

SHAWN:
Sweet, now you got us in trouble.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

LASSITER, JULIET and SHAWN follow VICK into her office. She stands behind her desk and LASSITER sits in one of the chairs facing it.

VICK:
What I have to say is very... difficult.

SHAWN:
If this in any way pertains to Lassiter's third testicle, I'm afraid we already know.

VICK:
This is no time for jokes, Mr. Spencer. (sits and clears throat) When I accepted this position on an interim basis, the agreement between myself and the mayor was should things work out at an appropriate time, the interim would be removed from the title. As you know that has not yet happened. And recently I gave the mayor a deadline, a deadline that has passed without any sort of response. So effective Friday, I'm stepping down as chief.

JULIET:
What?

VICK:
I'm leaving.

JULIET:
You can't do that! Do they know?

VICK:
Oh, they know.

JULIET:
I'll write a letter. I'll start a petition. I'll leak it to the reporter at The Mirror.

VICK:
O'Hara, please. Thank you. I appreciate the sentiment, but the die is cast.

SHAWN:
Chief, are you sure you don't want to wait it out just a little bit longer? You never...

VICK:
No, Mr. Spencer.

LASSITER:
So you're saying the job is open.

JULIET smacks LASSITER on the back of the head. He looks up at her, questioning why.

LASSITER:
What? I mean, did anyone mention my name?

VICK:
I believe they have someone in mind.

LASSITER:
But you don't know if it's me?

SHAWN:
Look, Chief, let me just offer that I think you're a great chief. (sits in other chair) And, uh, I'm sure things will all work out.

VICK:
(trying to hold emotions) That's all for now.

SHAWN and LASSITER stand, hands in pockets, but don’t move.

VICK:
Go!

The three slowly leave the room.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN is watching the security footage from the museum on the TV. GUS enters.

GUS:
What are you watching?

SHAWN:
Security videos from the museum.

GUS:
Videos? As in actual video tapes?

SHAWN:
Well, their system could use an overhaul.

GUS pulls his chair up beside SHAWN to watch the video but SHAWN stands and blocks the TV.

GUS:
Where are the tapes from the other cameras?

SHAWN:
That's it.

GUS:
One tape? (tries to look around SHAWN)

SHAWN:
(moves to block GUS) Yeah, it's on a rotation. It's actually not a bad system, you know? It appears you can't leave the museum without getting caught by the cameras.

GUS:
So it's sufficient?

SHAWN:
Maybe. (turns off TV) We should, probably check it out for ourselves, though. What say you?

GUS:
Sure.

SHAWN:
(heads for the door) There's one thing you should probably know before we get there.

INT. MUSEUM, DINOSAUR ROOM, DAY

SHAWN and GUS look at the plaque for “Zippy”. GUS is not pleased.

GUS:
"Paleo-sleuth Shawn Spencer"?

SHAWN:
(puts hands up) I know.

GUS:
I dug that thing up too.

SHAWN:
Gus, believe me, I was appalled myself at first. Sickened, really. But then I noticed, look! They didn't forget you completely.

GUS:
Where?

SHAWN:
There, right there! The "photo by" section.

GUS:
That says "photo by Bruton Gaster."

SHAWN:
Well I gave 'em the info when I was driving through a tunnel, so that probably played a role.

GUS:
I want a new plaque, Shawn. I want it tomorrow. I want my name in big yellow letters that blink, and why won't you even tell me what this museum case is about?

SHAWN:
In time. In time.

SOPHIE joins them.

SOPHIE:
Gentlemen, thank you for coming. (shakes SHAWN’S hand) Mr. Spencer, very good to see you again. (shakes GUS’ hand) And you must be Mr. Gaster.

GUS:
Guster, Burton Guster. You people ever hear of spell checker?

SHAWN:
I was just giving Gaster here all the specifics.

SOPHIE:
Yes, well the exhibit just opened yesterday afternoon without a hitch. The alarm went off at 3:00 a.m.

SHAWN:
I was here at 5:00.

GUS:
A.M.? (scoffs) You were not.

SHAWN:
I was. I was working.

GUS:
Doing what?

SHAWN:
It was a private case. Look, I don't think we should bore Ms. Bridgewell here with the complexities of our other investigations.

GUS:
You're not tailing cheating boyfriends again, are you?

SHAWN:
(laughs)(whispers harshly) Gus, come on. I'm trying to look cool.

GUS:
I told you before, Shawn. We are bigger than that. We cleared, like, 50 bucks on the last one.

SHAWN:
Gus. Psychic-client privilege and what not? Huh? Come on. (to SOPHIE) Shall we continue?

SOPHIE:
Yes, this way. (walks away)

SHAWN:
(follows SOPHIE)(to GUS) What's wrong with you?

GUS:
You stole my picture!

INT. MUSEUM, EGYPT ROOM, DAY

SHAWN and SOPHIE proceed into the room as GUS hangs back, refusing to set foot inside.

SOPHIE:
So the bulk of the activity seems to have occurred in here.

SHAWN:
Yes, I can see it. The lid sliding off the being rising up, walking across the floor not unlike an Egyptian. Gus can show you. (turns and sees GUS outside the room) Gus?

GUS:
No.

SHAWN:
No what?

GUS:
You know I'm not walking into that room, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Come on, dude. I thought this was over in the sixth grade.

SOPHIE:
What's wrong?

SHAWN:
He won't break the plane of the mummy room.

SOPHIE:
Why not?

SHAWN:
He's afraid of being cursed.

SOPHIE:
He's not that far off base really.

SHAWN:
Please don't coddle him.

GUS:
Fact: every one of those guys that unearthed Tut's tomb, cursed. They're all dead now.

SHAWN:
Of course they are. That was over 80 years ago. Come on, man. This is gonna be good for you. Walk to me. Face your fears.

GUS:
You can talk all you want, but facts and logic will win out this time.

SHAWN:
Facts and logic are in the corner of the guy who thinks he's gonna get his face melted off?

GUS:
I'm not hearing it, Shawn.

SOPHIE:
Well you wanted to check the cameras, right?

SHAWN:
Will you set foot in the security camera room?

GUS pivots, motioning for SOPHIE and SHAWN to go ahead. SHAWN shakes his head in disbelief. SOPHIE merely smiles.

INT. MUSEUM, SECURITY ROOM, DAY

GUS sits at the desk as he and SHAWN watch the monitors for the security cameras.

SHAWN:
This system's actually better than I thought. Even if you make it out of one room, you get picked up in the next room immediately.

GUS:
Yeah.

SHAWN:
I'm gonna try and beat the system. Watch me, just on the center screen. See if I can get out.

GUS:
All I gotta do is sit here? Fine.

SHAWN:
(pulls phone from pocket) Yeah, we'll communicate on the phone, so give me a call. (heads for door)

GUS:
(spins around) No, you call me. This is my work cell. I'm not paying for that call.

SHAWN:
Gus, it's usage minutes. It doesn't matter which one of us makes the call.

GUS:
Just call me, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Fine. (leaves)

GUS spins back around to face the monitors and pulls out his phone.

SHAWN:
(returns) I'm sorry, I can't let this go. It's a monthly plan. It's a minutes plan.

GUS:
Can we get started with this thing now?

SHAWN stammers and leaves.

INT. MUSEUM, DINOSAUR ROOM, DAY

SHAWN is on his phone as he walks through the crowded room. He then makes a dash out the way he came.

INT. MUSEUM, SECURITY ROOM, DAY

GUS watches the monitor as SHAWN runs through one of the exhibits.

GUS:
I saw that. Got it on two angles.

SHAWN runs through the dinosaur room past Zippy.

GUS:
Do you want to give this up any time soon?

SHAWN crawls on all fours across the floor of another room.

GUS:
You're crawling.

Back in the dinosaur room, SHAWN hides behind a plant, pushing it in front of him.

GUS:
I see you, Shawn. You're behind the plant.

SHAWN peers out from the top of the plant.

GUS:
See you there. See you there.

SHAWN pushes the plant across the room.

GUS:
The plant is moving across the room, Shawn.

SHAWN then walks closely behind a very nervous woman.

GUS:
Leave that poor lady alone, Shawn.

SHAWN next uses a square of carpet held over her head as he slowly walks across the floor.

GUS:
You're using the carpet? Really? Wait a minute. I almost bought that for a second.

SHAWN then uses a wolf pelt as he runs across the floor of the dinosaur room.

GUS:
You're using the wolf pelt? This is like watching Entrapment if instead of Catherine Zeta-Jones they had some guy with pancake butt.

SHAWN:
(into phone) I do not have pancake butt!

One of the patrons stares at SHAWN as he walks past after this announcement.*

INT. MUSEUM, EGYPT ROOM, DAY

SHAWN is hiding behind the black marble slab near the sarcophagus, still on the phone with GUS. He doesn’t see SOPHIE enter.

SHAWN:
What you got? You got something?

GUS:
(over phone) Yep.

SHAWN:
Really?

GUS:
(over phone) Yep.

SHAWN:
You can see me right now?

GUS:
(over phone) Horrid, Shawny boy. Horrid. Horrid.

SHAWN stands and SOPHIE sees him.

INT. MUSEUM, SECURITY ROOM, DAY

GUS watches as SOPHIE greets SHAWN.

SOPHIE:
Hi! Hello!

GUS:
Great, now I gotta watch this?

INT. MUSEUM, EGYPT ROOM, DAY

Looking at the camera, SHAWN presses a button on his phone.,/i>

INT. MUSEUM, SECURITY ROOM, DAY

GUS:
You're muting me for the first interesting thing that's happened? (mocks SHAWN) "Look at me, look at me. I love my hair. I can make obscure '80s references that nobody understands. Laugh at me. Hey, know something about me? I have a motorcycle, but I never seem to be riding it."

SHAWN and SOPHIE leave the room together.

INT. MUSEUM, AMERICANA ROOM, DAY

SHAWN is attempting to hide behind a cut-out cactus.

SHAWN:
How about this? Are you seeing this?

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. MUSEUM, SECURITY ROOM, DAY

GUS:
Yep.

SHAWN:
(moves head a fraction) How about now? You see this?

GUS:
Terrible.

SHAWN:
(by cactus, bucket over his head, phone held up to the bucket) How about this? You seeing this?

GUS:
If you're gonna hide under a barrel, don't put the phone next to your ear.

SHAWN:
(walks sideways, back pressed against a wall) You're getting all of this? You can see all of this?

GUS:
Yep. Whoa, I lost you.

SHAWN reappears on the monitor.

GUS:
There you are.

SHAWN:
(over phone) Ha! I got you.

GUS:
For one second, Shawn.

With a sly grin, SHAWN runs to a corner of the room.

GUS:
Trying that corner again? Please. (chuckles)(phone beeps) Shawn? Eh...great. Now you wore down my battery. (watches monitor) Where are you?

SHAWN leans over next to GUS.

SHAWN:
How about now?

GUS starts and looks at SHAWN. SHAWN closes his phone and looks at the monitor.

SHAWN:
Bingo.

INT. SBPD, CONFERENCE ROOM, DAY

LASSITER closes the door and looks over at a MAN sitting at the table.

LASSITER:
I'm sure you can understand, Mr. Wyles, why I've been so motivated by what I've uncovered in this investigation. (sits across from WYLES)

WYLES:
Well, all I know, detective, is I certainly seem to see your name in the paper every day.

LASSITER:
Really? Which paper would that be, because you know I've missed some of the coverage.

WYLES:
Can we just get on with what you want?

LASSITER:
Of course. (opens file) It's really just more of a formality than anything. I wasn't even going to call you in today. I just need to go over a few bank records and see some papers and exhume your father's body.

WYLES:
I'm sorry. What was that last one?

LASSITER:
Oh, uh, it's just more of a technical detail than anything exhuming your father's body. I mean, you wouldn't even have to be there. I could have him back in eternal slumber by noon. 1:45 at the latest.

INT. MUSEUM, DINOSAUR ROOM, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS walk through the exhibit. There’s no one else there.

GUS:
This place is gonna close soon.

SHAWN:
No, it’s not.

GUS:
Shawn, I was in there forever. Somebody's shutting off the lights with us in here.

SHAWN:
Pretty sure that's a timer.

INT. MUSEUM, LOBBY, NIGHT

GUS and SHAWN walk towards to doors.

GUS:
Why would they set a timer with people still in here?

SHAWN:
'Cause the museum closed 20 minutes ago?

GUS:
(pulls on the locked doors and panics) How did they close it with us inside? (crosses the lobby to try different doors)

SHAWN:
(follows GUS) Well, remember I said I talked to Sophie the curator? She's very sweet, by the way. She loves Red Robin. Isn't that a strange favorite restaurant?

GUS climbs behind the hanging backdrop.

SHAWN:
You're going behind the tarp? Really? There's an exit behind the tarp? You're probably gonna be eaten by carpet beetles.

SHAWN walks down the hall as GUS fights his way behind the tarp.

SHAWN:
Look, I discovered a number of intriguing things when I was figuring out how to crack…

GUS:
Ow!

SHAWN:
…the security cameras, including an exhibit that looked like it had already been broken into, so what I'm thinking is whoever did it might come back because anyone on the inside knows that there's no night guard on duty and...

GUS emerges from the other end of the tarp.

GUS:
And what?

SHAWN:
Sophie said it was cool.

GUS:
What was cool?

SHAWN:
Come on, man. Haven't you ever wanted to spend a night in the museum? You know, do it up with all the stuffed creatures and the bones?

GUS:
No, Shawn, I haven't. I can't spend the night in the museum. I don't have my tooth brush. I don't have any of my multivitamins. And oh, yeah, I don't want my soul suffering eternal damnation for disrupting the sleep of an Egyptian canal digger. (walks off)

SHAWN:
Come on, dude! With Hastings on the lam, they're fresh out of night watchmen. Sophie was actually quite happy that I offered. She's taking me to dinner. What do they have at Red Robin?

INT. MUSEUM, HALL, NIGHT

GUS spots an emergency door and pushes against it as SHAWN talks.

SHAWN:
Come on, Gus. They didn't get what they were looking for the first time. Maybe they'll break in again. We'll be here to catch 'em red-handed. Won't that be cool? Dude, there's probably a sensor of some sort. Take a step back.

GUS steps back from the door and waves his hands in front of the door to check for a motion sensor.

SHAWN:
Okay, now try it.

GUS pushes against the door with a grunt as SHAWN smiles. GUS steps back and SHAWN notices something outside.

SHAWN:
What's on the hill?

In the rolling evening mist, something metallic can be seen.

GUS:
That's freedom, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Does that look like a camera?

GUS:
No. No one's gonna leave their camera outside in the mist so it can get ruined.

SHAWN:
Looks like a camera to me.

<i.shawn’s cell="cell" phone="phone" rings="rings" and="and" he="he" answers="answers" it.</i="it.</i">

SHAWN:
Hello.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, NIGHT

JULIET:
We caught a break.

SHAWN:
(to GUS) We caught a break.

JULIET:
Hastings, that security guard from the museum who's still missing, had a few assault charges on his record that never went to trial.

SHAWN:
(to GUS) Ooh! Hastings is way more violent than we thought.

JULIET:
And we found the car finally.

SHAWN:
(to GUS) They found his car.

GUS leans in to listen to JULIET’S side of the conversation.

JULIET:
Yeah, it was in the shop actually.

SHAWN:
But you didn't find him?

GUS grabs the phone and puts it on speaker.

JULIET:
No, the shop gave him a loaner. I just thought I would let you know, give you a heads up, see if you come up with anything.

SHAWN:
What kind of car is the loaner?

JULIET:
Gray GMC pickup.

SHAWN and GUS look out the door to see two vehicles in the lot: the Echo and a gray pickup right next to it. They drop the phone and the pieces scatter.

SHAWN:
Don't be mad.

GUS:
Why would I be mad? I'm locked in a museum with possibly a violent criminal and probably an angry mummy spirit. And here's a bonus: we have no phones.

SHAWN:
I told you to charge that phone.

GUS:
You did not.

SHAWN:
I didn't? Does thinking it count?

GUS storms off.

SHAWN:
They might have a snack bar. (follows GUS)

INT. MUSEUM, NIGHT

GUS and SHAWN walk through the exhibits.

SHAWN:
You know, maybe that truck wasn't gray, dude. Maybe it was, like, a deep midnight blue or a black or a nice kelly green. It's hard to know for sure. You know, the cones in the eyes make it possible to see at night…

GUS:
I know how the eyes work, Shawn. I just hope I still have mine in the morning.

SHAWN:
(looks around) Where exactly are we?

GUS:
He's here. He's gonna come back. He's gonna kill us.

SHAWN:
Dude, I never said Hastings stole the thing.

GUS:
No, you think the actual mummy walked out. That makes me feel better.

SHAWN:
Don't go all "glass half empty" on me. Let me show you what I found.

INT. MUSEUM, 1800s EXHIBIT, NIGHT

SHAWN leads GUS across the room as the camera follows them. Above a display case of antique guns is a framed Confederate flag.

SHAWN:
What is wrong with this flag?

GUS:
Everything.

SHAWN:
Besides that.

GUS:
I don't know.

SHAWN:
It's upside-down.

GUS:
And backwards. What's your point?

SHAWN:
(runs finger along the bottom of the frame) It's dust gathered on the bottom of the frame. That means somebody either turned it upside-down or knocked it over.

SHAWN notices that the angle of the camera has changed; one section is free of dust. He then remembers when GUS couldn’t spot him on the monitor.

SHAWN:
And this little nook is not in camera range.

GUS:
It's not a nook.

SHAWN:
What would you call it? It's clearly not a corner. Cranny? Will you sign off on cranny?

GUS:
Why am I here, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Because somebody didn't want the camera to see what ever happened in this cranny.

GUS:
I never signed off on cranny.

SHAWN:
There's nothing here, Gus. It's just a bunch of old guns. (notices ivory grip of one is cracked) And not even nice ones at that.

GUS:
The Lexan glass case that houses it is worth more.

SHAWN:
Lexan glass?

GUS:
Yeah, it's bulletproof.

SHAWN:
Well, it would have to be in case the guns decided to fire themselves. Lexan glass. (walks away)

GUS:
(follows) What? That's common knowledge, Shawn. People know that.

SHAWN:
Who, people in Charlton Heston's house?

GUS:
Yes. And your mama.

INT. MUSEUM, MID-CENTURY EXHIBIT, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS are looking at a female mannequin in period dress.

GUS:
Did you hear that?

SHAWN:
Nobody's here but us.

GUS:
I tried, Shawn. I can't do this.

SHAWN:
Gus, don't be a Traveling Wilbury. (sees car) Look, Christine's here.

GUS:
Will you stop it, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Relax, it's not even the right color. (continues on and spies old fashioned fridge)Dude, we have got to get one of these for the office. How much you think these things run?

GUS:
I don't know.

SHAWN:
How heavy are they?

The refrigerator starts whirring and SHAWN is startled. He smiles and laughs.

SHAWN:
That was actually kind of scary, Gus. (turns around and sees he is alone) Come on, dude! It's just the motor on the fridge! Of course, why would an exhibit be plugged in?

GUS returns as SHAWN knocks on the door of the fridge.

GUS:
The sign says “Do Not Touch”, Shawn.

SHAWN:
(pulls sign off) Not anymore. (tries to open it) It's stuck, though.

GUS:
It's supposed to be stuck. To keep people like you out.

SHAWN:
People who what? People who spend the night in museums to investigate mummies that may have walked out on their own?

With a grunt, SHAWN gets the fridge open and a body falls out.

GUS:
(jumps back) Whoa!

They look at the body and see it is the missing Hastings.

EXT. MUSEUM, DAY

A security guard approaches the door by the loading dock, getting his key out to unlock the door. The second he does, GUS pushes it open, knocking the guard down and runs for the car. As the guard stands, we hear the car engine start and the tires screech as GUS drives away.

INT. PSYCH, DAY

GUS is researching wolfsbane on the computer when SHAWN enters the office.

SHAWN:
(sighs) You are here. What are you doing? (walks over to stand beside GUS)

GUS:
Bidding for talismans.

SHAWN:
Talismen.

GUS:
I don't care what they're called, Shawn. (pushes SHAWN out of the way and walks to his computer) I'm acquiring protection for the spiritual injustice we caused in the museum.

SHAWN:
You can buy wolfsbane online?

GUS:
In bulk. Now I just gotta find somebody to loan me a cat. You got McNabb's number?

SHAWN:
Come on, Gus. I thought that, at the very least, finding the guard dead would help you jump on the band wagon that, hey, this is a real flesh and blood killer. (goes over to GUS)

GUS:
He was killed by the mummy, Shawn. (goes back to his desk)

SHAWN:
You don't know that. You have no proof. Okay, fine, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I signed us up for night guard duty. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you there was a mummy involved. But we have a legitimate trail now. The cops are taking this seriously. I need you! I need the sweet blue shirt, I need the pants, I need the winsome smile that hides the sad Jamaican clown inside. We need to call Lassiter and we are not going back to the museum. No more mummy room, no more spooky stuff. I promise.

EXT. CEMETARY, DAY

LASSITER directs as the coffin is raised from the ground. WYLES is there with his lawyer.

LASSITER:
Let’s go. Bring it up.

GUS and SHAWN arrive.

GUS:
He's exhuming a body?

WYLES:
(to lawyer) He is casually disturbing what should be the passing of a great and dignified man.

SHAWN:
Yeah, he does that. (watches WYLES as he walks past) Oh! White socks, black shoes. What's the rule on that? Don't you have to be wearing jeans? What's the rule? Come on dude. I honestly had no idea he was gonna be pulling a corpse from the ground.

GUS:
Don't worry about it, Shawn. I honestly didn't know I was gonna be putting my foot in your ass. Life's full of surprises.

JULIET arrives.

JULIET:
I got the coroner's report on the guard Hastings. (walks past SHAWN and GUS to LASSITER)

SHAWN:
(to GUS) At least stay for this, see how silly it is to be afraid of mummies. What do you got, Jules?

JULIET:
You're not gonna like it.

GUS:
We're not gonna like it.

SHAWN:
I'm sure we'll be able to make something of it.

JULIET:
Hastings was strangled to death.

SHAWN:
Ha! No magic involved there. And correct me if I'm wrong Jules, but you can actually get fingerprints off strangulation victims.

JULIET:
I'm afraid that's not possible.

SHAWN:
Why is that?

JULIET:
The hand was wrapped in some sort of cloth.

GUS:
Cloth?

JULIET:
There were linen fibers embedded into the guard's neck.

SHAWN:
(chuckles) Clearly that was just to cover his prints.

JULIET:
We also found dust and spores that weren't from this area.

SHAWN:
Well, maybe the cleaning crew didn't come around.

JULIET:
Only if they didn't come around for over 3,000 years. The spores came from inside the coffin.

SHAWN:
Thanks, Jules.

JULIET walks away.

INT. HENRY’S, KITCHEN, DAY

HENRY is on a step-stool wiping the glass doors of his cabinets when SHAWN and GUS enter.

HENRY:
Finally!

SHAWN:
Finally what?

HENRY:
I've been leaving messages on your phone.

SHAWN:
Yeah, I sort of dropped my phone.

GUS picks up a package of cupcakes sitting on the table.

HENRY:
Yeah? What'd I tell you about taking care of your stuff? (walks over, takes the cupcakes from GUS and puts them in the fridge)

SHAWN:
You know what? You're right. First my tricycle out in the yard, now this. I see a pattern developing here.

GUS picks up a box of pastries and HENRY pulls it from his hands to put away.

HENRY:
All right, look, Shawn, I was hoping we could talk alone. No offense, Gus.

GUS:
Hey… (puts hands up and heads for door)

SHAWN:
Oh, no no. Don't you dare. We are here to talk to you and this is urgent.

HENRY:
(picks up cleaner and rag) So is mine.

SHAWN:
Ours involves a dead guy.

HENRY:
(stammers) Why do you always have to win, Shawn?

SHAWN:
'Cause we're winners.

HENRY:
Fine, what is it? Go ahead. (sets tote on table and starts cleaning the counter)

SHAWN:
Okay, what do you do when your best suspect, uh, sort of just…

GUS:
Say it, Shawn.

SHAWN:
…doesn't exist anymore?

HENRY:
People disappear all the time, Shawn. Some are very good at it. Especially a career criminal.

SHAWN:
Yeah, this is a little more complicated.

HENRY:
Look, it doesn't matter who you're talking about here, Shawn. But when the trail goes cold, you do what every good cop does. You follow the time line. You trace back the steps that led to the trail going cold.

SHAWN:
A background check.

HENRY:
Exactly.

SHAWN:
Perfect. Perfect, Dad!

SHAWN and GUS turn to leave but stop when HENRY speaks.

HENRY:
But I want to see you later, without Gus. I need to talk to you.

SHAWN:
Okay, what is this? What is all this "without Gus" stuff? I mean, it's Gus. Just say it. Say what it is. What is it?

HENRY:
Okay. All right. I got a phone call a couple of days ago and, uh, I don't know if you have any plans, but, um… (walks up to SHAWN and leans in close) Are you busy on Saturday?

SHAWN:
(leans away from HENRY) You… You want me to come with you to Awkward Class?

HENRY:
(stammers) Forget it! (walks off)

SHAWN:
See ya!

SHAWN and GUS leave.

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

VICK, JULIET and LASSITER are sitting at the table in the corner. JULIET is holding a notepad and has a variety of party decorations in front of her.

VICK:
Detectives, that's very thoughtful of you, but I just don't want you to make a big fuss.

JULIET:
We are not going to make a fuss. Detective Lassiter and I just want to throw you a going away party, and it’s going to be very simple.

A TV is on in the station and the report catches LASSITER’S attention.

REPORTER:
…the case of William Wyles III.

LASSITER leans back in his chair so he can see the TV through the blinds and around the officer blocking his view.

REPORTER:
It was formerly believed that Wyles' death was due to an accidental fall down the stairs of his Montecito home. 

LASSITER pushes his wheeled chair towards the door.

REPORTER:
But now a former employee has come forward to say she heard loud arguing coming from the Wyles's study the night of his death, contrary to the belief that Wyles was alone the night he died. Santa Barbara Police Detective Carlton Lassiter, who's been leading this investigation, was unavailable for comment. 

LASSITER:
“Unavailable for comment”? I've been here all day. Who's not giving me my messages? (looks back to see VICK and JULIET staring at him) Uh, cupcakes. (pulls himself back to the table) Right, of course. With little cuffs on them, and, um, sprinkles. We're really gonna miss you.

LASSITER turns his head towards the TV as the report continues.

REPORTER:
Wyles, who became a publishing magnate at the age of 30, was one of Santa Barbara's leading philanthropists and a major contributor to political campaigns, as well as a well-known collector of war memorabilia. At his height, he owned more than 30 publications… 

INT. PSYCH, DAY

SHAWN has the TV on with the same report. He is sitting in a chair, twirling a pen in his hands. GUS is on his computer.

SHAWN:
How's the background check coming?

GUS:
Just finished. Rahmentottem lived during the 19th dynasty of Egypt, probably near Giza. He had 11 sons, all of whom spent their days smelting metal from the ore along the banks of the Nile.

SHAWN:
Smelters, huh? Perhaps you misunderstood. (stands) We don't care what he did when he was living. (moves to clear board) Only since he's been a mummy. Let's do this. (starts to write) First, he was on display for six months in Cincinnati. (draws a little stick figure next to “Cincy”) He didn't kill anybody there. Then he was on loan, Plano, Texas. Nobody had their eyes or internal organs stolen there. (draws a steaming bowl next to Plano)

GUS:
What's that?

SHAWN:
It's a bowl of chili.

GUS:
And who's that up there?

SHAWN:
It's Austin Kerns. Would you pay attention? Then he was transported for two days by truck, spent the evening in the museum warehouse, and boom! Was on display first thing the next morning.

GUS:
Mine's better.

SHAWN:
Yeah, but mine's something sensible that people might utilize.

GUS:
So you're the sensible one now? (stands and walks over to SHAWN)

SHAWN:
More and more lately.

GUS:
Okay. All right. Let's work backwards.

SHAWN:
We just did. (circles “warehouse”)

EXT. WAREHOUSE, DAY

SHAWN and GUS walk over to the museum’s loading dock.

GUS:
This is as close as I get to that museum.

SHAWN:
I know. Quick, put that on. (points to elaborate Chinese dragon head)

A man in a wheelchair comes down a ramp to confront SHAWN and GUS. He is wearing coveralls bearing the name KEN.

SHAWN:
My name is Shawn Spencer. I'm working with Sophie and the museum. This is my partner Patty Simcox. We're wondering if there's any documentation on the arrival of the Rock'em Sock'em mummy.

GUS:
Rahmentottem. Or has there been any instances of things exploding for no apparent reason?

KEN:
I don't know nothing. And I don't think you guys should be in here.

GUS:
Right. (turns to leave)

SHAWN:
(stops GUS) Perhaps I'll call Sophie and let her know you're not being very helpful.

KEN:
Listen, all I have security access for is this room.

SHAWN:
Well, then let us know what happens here, man! Here at the docks!

KEN:
Fine, it's simple. That thing shows up, a museum rep comes and does an inspection. And then we put it out on the floor. I wish that there was more that I could tell you.

SHAWN looks around and sees the tripod still on the hill. 

SHAWN:
(taps GUS on the arm) Dude, it's a tripod. I told you that was a tripod. (runs to the hill) With a camera. Coming back.

GUS follows SHAWN and they see a figure in a hoodie holding a camera, making its way to the tripod.

SHAWN:
Hey, wait up!

The figure runs.

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

They make to run up the hill but jump back due to brambles. They then run along the drive.

EXT. PARKING LOT, DAY

SHAWN and GUS chase the figure to a car. It stops at the trunk and then tries the front door, but it’s locked.

SHAWN:
What are you doing? (holds up keys) Left your keys in the trunk lock.

STUDENT:
I'm sorry. I know I promised not to shoot there. I know you guys said you'd call the cops, but I just need one more night for my project to be done.

GUS:
Your project?

STUDENT:
My film project. Aren't you guys with the…

SHAWN:
Yes, we are.

STUDENT:
With who?

SHAWN:
Whoever you think we're with.

STUDENT:
The museum?

SHAWN:
Yes, exactly. And you are a film student?

STUDENT:
Yes, working on Night Cycle. It's my thesis project. It's just the life cycle of a wild flower at the top of the hill.

SHAWN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. The name of your film is Night Cycle?

GUS:
What's wrong with that?

SHAWN:
Well, it's kind of boring. Unless it's about a motorcycle that comes to life at night and solves crime and does sweet wheelies.

STUDENT:
Listen, I already told the guy in the jumpsuit. I mean, you could barely see the museum in the background. I just needed to frame it up that way.

SHAWN:
You have footage of the museum?

STUDENT:
Yeah, but it won't infringe on anyone's copyright, I can guarantee it.

SHAWN:
Do you have stuff from Tuesday night?

STUDENT:
Yeah, but not on me.

INT. EDITING LAB, DAY

The STUDENT pulls up footage on the computer. The hat comes off to reveal long blonde hair. SHAWN and GUS exchange looks. GUS leans forward to sniff the STUDENT behind her back. SHAWN smacks him.

STUDENT:
Here it is. A standard video camera runs at 30 frames per second.

GUS:
Yeah, we know that.

SHAWN:
How would we know that?

GUS:
It's common knowledge, Shawn. And technically it's 29.97, unless you're working in HD, then it's 23.98 partially segmented frames.

STUDENT:
Regardless, for time lapse I set it for one frames for minute. So everything moves faster.

SHAWN:
30 times faster.

GUS:
1,800 times faster.

SHAWN:
I knew that. I was testing you.

GUS:
Sure you did.

STUDENT:
Okay, guys, what are we looking for here, exactly?

SHAWN:
It's pretty simple. A crime occurred at the museum on this particular evening. We just wanna know if your camera caught any footage of it. It's nothing too crazy.

GUS:
And most likely there's a crazed mummy out and about strangling people willy-nilly.

SHAWN:
Yes. And that.

STUDENT:
This is 3:00 am.

The wildflower is the focus of the film but in the background can be seen a van and door to the warehouse.

GUS:
(leans forward) Slow it down here.

SHAWN gets up from his chair and moves to sit next to the STUDENT at the table.

STUDENT:
This is kind of exciting.

The three watch the screen closely and a figure appears on screen looking suspiciously like a mummy.

SHAWN:
Holy crap. Gus, can you believe it? Gus?

GUS is gone, his chair still spinning.

SHAWN:
(to STUDENT) He's a little scared of mummies. Dude, it's just a film!

STUDENT:
Video.

SHAWN:
Even better. No one can reach through the screen and grab you. That's so weird. We only saw him for one frame and then, you know, he walked out and poof, he's gone.

GUS slowly returns to the room. SHAWN then sees a light on the van.

SHAWN:
Wait. Look at the lights on the van. (stands)

The van disappears from the screen.

SHAWN:
Dude, he took that van.

STUDENT:
The mummy?

GUS:
(sits) Great, now we got a mummy on the loose and the son of a bitch knows how to drive a stick?

SHAWN:
Now we know how he got away.

GUS:
We need to call the police.

SHAWN:
No, not yet. I've seen that van.

GUS:
You know where it is?

SHAWN:
Unless it's moved in the last two hours, I do.

SHAWN and GUS hurry from the room.

EXT. WAREHOUSE, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS pull up in front of the loading dock. A white van is parked there.

GUS:
What the…

SHAWN:
Dude, I told you it was here.

GUS parks the car and they both get out. SHAWN heads for the van.

SHAWN:
Whoa!

The van pulls away with screeching tires. They run back to the car.

SHAWN:
I told you I saw it!

As SHAWN turns getting into the car, he sees KEN in the open doorway. GUS puts the car into gear and keeps making stop-and-go turns.

SHAWN:
What are you doing?

GUS:
Turning the car around, Shawn.

SHAWN:
Dude, he's not even gonna be in California by the time we get out of here. Just keep turning the wheel!

GUS:
I don't wanna hit anything, Shawn!

SHAWN:
I know, but it’s not…

GUS:
This is a company car.

SHAWN:
Dude, you got it. You clearly had it after the second… Really? The 11-point turn, dude?

The car is finally facing the right direction and GUS drives after the van.

EXT. ROAD, NIGHT

The Echo follows the van down the wet road, a mist in the air.

INT. ECHO, NIGHT

GUS:
This is a prime example of a situation best handled by the police, or a witch doctor.

SHAWN:
It's not a mummy, Gus.

GUS:
You keep saying that, and it keeps coming up mummy.

They watch the van as it approaches a dirt side road.

SHAWN:
No way he makes that turn.

The van makes the turn.

SHAWN:
Whoa! Slow down.

GUS makes the turn slowly.

EXT. DIRT ROAD, NIGHT

The van goes over a couple of bumps before crashing into a tree.

INT. ECHO, NIGHT

GUS:
He hit a tree.

SHAWN:
Let's go get him. (unclips seatbelt and reaches for door)

GUS:
I'm not getting out there.

SHAWN:
Dude, they hit a tree. Whoever they are, they're not moving. They're incapacitated. They could be hurt, maybe even dead.

GUS:
Maybe undead.

SHAWN:
They might need our help. (opens door and gets out)

GUS:
Or our internal organs! Let's call the police.

SHAWN:
With whose phone?

GUS:
All right, fine. I'm bringing my bat.

SHAWN:
Grab some flashlights.

EXT. DIRT ROAD, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS walk slowly towards the van. SHAWN holds a flashlight in front of him. GUS has a flashlight in one hand and a raised baseball bat in the other. An owl hoots and they spin around nervously, checking to see if anything is behind them. They approach the driver’s side of the van.

GUS:
Shawn, I think… I think this may be the most terrifying moment of my life.

SHAWN:
You're confronting it head on. I'm so proud of you, buddy. Shh.

SHAWN points as something moves in the woods ahead of them.

SHAWN:
I think I just saw someone running away in the woods. (sees the door) Look! That door's cracked! I don't think anybody's here.

GUS:
How sure are you?

SHAWN:
Fairly to pretty damn.

GUS:
Good, because I don't think I can take one more… (turns and shines light into van to reveal mummy in driver’s seat) Shawn?

SHAWN is running to the car.

INT. SBPD, HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS are walking alongside LASSITER.

SHAWN:
I am telling you, Carlytown, you gotta come with us on this!

LASSITER:
And I'm telling you, I'm about to solve the biggest case of my career. So which do you think I'd rather do?

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, NIGHT

LASSITER picks up the phone on his desk and dials.

LASSITER:
The old man didn't die from a fall down the stairs. Initial findings indicate he had blunt force trauma to his head before he fell. So unless you've got a psychic answer for that, you guys can run along. Ah, crud. Now Wyles isn't answering his phone. (hangs up)

JULIET:
I have the final coroner's report on that exhumed body. It was definitely a head trauma. And it turns out that unidentified matter found in his skull was a chip of ivory. (hands LASSITER file)

LASSITER:
Great. (walks away)

INT. SBPD, HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN:
But I have the best reveal ever.

LASSITER:
Spencer, we'll get to your little mummy thing later. Quite honestly, I only took the case because Wyles IV is on the board of trustees. I thought I could do a little snooping, but all I got was dead ends.

SHAWN:
I can solve both cases!

VICK:
(sticks head out of office door) You can what?

SHAWN:
Lassie, call Wyles on his cell phone. He'll pick that up because he's not at home. (to GUS) Dude, we got it.

SHAWN and GUS start jumping up and down. VICK walks over to them.

GUS:
Oh, we are good!

SHAWN:
(stops jumping) Then meet us at the museum.

GUS:
(stops jumping) Why can't they just meet us at a well-lit Starbucks?

SHAWN:
One more time, buddy. For justice.

SHAWN leaves and GUS follows.

INT. MUSEUM, EGYPT ROOM, NIGHT

LASSITER walks in with WYLES. JULIET, VICK and SOPHIE follow. GUS waits out the room’s edge.

WYLES:
Why am I here?

LASSITER:
You'll find out soon enough. But whatever it is, I'm taking full credit for it.

VICK:
Just cooperate with us, Mr. Wyles. Things don't look very good for you right now.

WYLES:
Yeah, well, I'll have your job.

VICK:
Well, it's too late for that. Someone else already does.

SHAWN rises from the sarcophagus in stereotypical mummy fashion, a groan escaping his lips.

SOPHIE:
Shawn!

SHAWN:
Don't worry, Sophie. I'm being very gentle. I laid down a blanket and everything. Not my first time alone in a coffin. By the way, playing dead? Awesome.

WYLES:
What is this nonsense?

VICK:
He's solving a case.

[We see the flashbacks as SHAWN describes what happened]

SHAWN:
(stands) Actually, I'm solving two cases. But let's take them one at a time. First, a being did rise from this coffin and walk out of the museum on Tuesday night. Strangled poor Hastings, may he rest in peace, with his bare hands. Correction, linen-wrapped hands.

GUS:
Thank you. I was the first one to say that it was a mummy.

SHAWN:
But that being was not the mummy Rub-my-bottom.

GUS:
Rahmentottem.

SHAWN:
That mummy never made it into the museum. No, that mummy never made it out of the white van in the parking lot. It was swapped out by an angry warehouse foreman on wheels. It was all part of an elaborate break-in.

WYLES:
This is absolute insanity.

SHAWN:
An interesting choice of words. I thought for sure you'd say “genius”.

WYLES:
Well, why would I say “genius”?

SHAWN:
Because it was your plan.

WYLES:
My plan?

SHAWN:
You're the one that got into the Snuffalupagus wrapped in just enough tea-stained linen to look like a mummy through the cracked lid. You needed to get those pistols back, didn't you? Yeah, the ones that used to be at the top of the stairs in your father's house. Especially that one with the chipped ivory handle. Which…

LASSITER:
Which was the murder weapon!

SHAWN:
Come on, Lass. A little consideration, please? I mean, look. I'm going all out with the coffin thing here. I'm doing my thing.

WYLES:
Detectives…

LASSITER:
You knocked your father on the head with that pistol, let him fall to his death, and then ran out and waited for somebody else to find him.

JULIET:
And the pistol got willed to the museum.

SOPHIE:
That's why you worked so hard to get that exhibit closed, and delayed the installation of the new security system.

SHAWN:
Well, he couldn't get his way into the display. But he needed to be in the museum.

LASSITER:
You have been a busy little boy, haven't you?

VICK:
I believe you will be my final Santa Barbara arrest, Mr. Wyles.

LASSITER:
Put your hands behind your back, sir. (cuffs WYLES)

SHAWN:
Nice, nice... but guys, check it out. There's more, right?

Everyone starts to walk from the room.

SHAWN:
He tilted the camera so that he wouldn't be visible. He... he strangled Hastings so there wouldn't be a witness! I saw him run away in the forest!

GUS follows the others. The lights go out.

SHAWN:
Gus?

INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY

There are gift baskets on the table plus a wrapped pineapple.

JULIET:
Is there any chance at all you'll stay?

VICK:
No. But I'm sure we'll see each other around. Look, I knew the mayor wanted Raymond Sauter for the job. He's an old friend of his, but you know, Sauter didn't become available until recently. So I did what I had to do. Look, I'm sure Sauter will do a fine job. (packs items into boxes on her desk)

SHAWN:
Are you sure you'll have a use for this? (holds up glass fish)

VICK makes a face at him and nods so he’ll put it back. He doesn’t.

GUS:
Dude, you're being kind of insensitive.

SHAWN:
She'll be fine.

A female DETECTIVE comes to the open door.

DETECTIVE:
Phone. It's the mayor.

VICK:
(picks up phone) Yes, sir? Well, yes… Of course. Yes, that's… Sir, you don't have to beg. Oh, you are begging? As of now? Okay. (hangs up) I'm the new chief.

JULIET gasps.

GUS:
Not interim?

VICK:
Don't you dare call me that again.

JULIET and GUS cheer and hug VICK. SHAWN puts the fish back on the desk, a small smile on his face.

JULIET:
Oh, my God, what happened? What did he say?

LASSITER enters with a newspaper.

VICK:
I honestly have no idea.

LASSITER:
I think I do. (shows VICK the paper)

VICK:
What's this?

The front page headline reads “Sauter Stung in Adultery Revelation”. The picture shows the couple SHAWN was following at the motel.

LASSITER:
Bumped my arrest to page two. Congratulations, Karen. (shakes VICK’S hand)

VICK:
Thank you.

SHAWN looks at the paper and whistles. The photo is credited to “Bruton Gaster”. VICK looks at SHAWN but says nothing. The others are too excited to notice.

JULIET:
We should have a party!

GUS:
We should definitely have a party.

JULIET:
We have all the party accoutrements!

VICK:
Just go get some party gear…

JULIET:
(claps and jumps up and down) Okay!

VICK:
…and just open some crackers and a bottle of something.

INT. HENRY’S, KITCHEN, DAY

HENRY places a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table that now has a cloth and candles.

HENRY:
Shawn, are you sure you didn't get some sort of special message this week?

SHAWN:
Dad, I told you, I dropped my phone. Now, I gotta go. (turns to leave)

HENRY:
No, no! Shawn! Look, there's something I gotta get off my chest before you leave here!

SHAWN:
(turns and walks back) Dad, I don't know if you just read The Secret or watched an emotional Oprah or what, but I don't think we're ready to open our souls to each other.

HENRY:
Well, we have no choice, kid.

SHAWN:
But we do, and it's good. Because what we have is simple and shallow and unobtrusive. So let's have this conversation when you're 90 and maybe on an oxygen tank. 'Cause I have a date with a woman who runs a museum, and that's new for me.

The doorbell rings and SHAWN heads for the door.

HENRY:
No, Shawn! Please, no!

SHAWN:
It just feels good. You know what, I'll grab the door for you on my way out!

HENRY leans against the doorway as SHAWN opens the door.

SHAWN:
Mom.

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Diary of a Procrastinator

Transcript: 2x16 Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead

Transcript: 2x16 Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead

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November 2017

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