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jpgr1985
EXT. SPENCER HOUSE, DAY
HENRY is sitting at the picnic table reading the paper when SHAWN tries to sneak past him. HENRY sees him.
HENRY:
Shawn! Stop.
SHAWN stops
HENRY:
Turn around.
SHAWN raises his head and we see he has a black eye.
HENRY:
Turn around. What are you hiding?
SHAWN slowly turns around and HENRY sees his face.
HENRY:
Did you get in a fight, Shawn?
SHAWN:
Kinda.
HENRY:
Kinda? What do you mean, kinda? What did I tell you about fighting? Get over here, son.
SHAWN walks over as HENRY stands.
HENRY:
Let me take a look at that. (looks at SHAWN’S face) You really got punched. (puts ice in a napkin)Here, hold that on your eye.
SHAWN puts the napkin to his eye and HENRY sits on the table.
HENRY:
All right, tell me... what's the name of this kid who hit you?
SHAWN:
Elizabeth.
HENRY:
You got in a fight with a girl?
SHAWN:
It wasn't really a fight. She just punched me.
HENRY:
Well, why in the world would she punch you? (removes SHAWN’S baseball cap) What... what happened?
SHAWN:
She asked me to sit next to her at lunch, and I did. And then I was eating my tater tots, then she just punched me.
HENRY:
Wait a second. Wait a second. What was she doing while you were eating your tater tots?
SHAWN:
I don't know. She was talking about something.
HENRY:
What? What was she talking about?
SHAWN:
I have no idea. She just went on and on, and I was concentrating on my tater tots.
HENRY:
(chuckles) Well, I'll be damned. Shawn, I know what happened. You just had your first date. (pokes SHAWN in the chest) Sit. Sit.
HENRY stands and walks to the other side of the table and sits down on the bench. SHAWN sits opposite him.
SHAWN:
My first what?
HENRY:
Look, obviously, this Elizabeth girl likes you. That's why she invited you over to sit next to her.
SHAWN:
Then why did she sock me in the eye?
HENRY:
Because she likes you, and you didn't listen to her story. Women want you to listen to them, Shawn. They want you to pick up every small detail, and they want you to compliment them. It's about tuning in to people. It's about getting inside their heads and anticipating their needs. And this applies to all aspects of life. Not only this girl, Elizabeth, but...even your barber.
SHAWN:
But I don't want to date the barber.
HENRY:
Shawn, I know that one day all of this is going to make sense to you. You just have to believe me. But for now, I'm going to leave you with one very simple rule. Under no circumstances, ever, ever do you mention to a woman her age or her weight.
PRESENT DAY
INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, DAY
SHAWN is standing in the center of the room, officers and detectives watching him.
SHAWN:
Nobody breathe. I've got it. I've got it in grams. I've got it in minutes. Just give me a second here to do a little converting.
SHAWN looks at a desk and sees a plaque for Class of 1996 and cards for a diet.
SHAWN:
I got it. 37 years old. 127 pounds.
Everyone is amazed.
FEMALE OFFICER:
That was amazing. How did you do that?
Everyone claps.
FEMALE OFFICER:
I have to admit, though, sadly, It's just a teensy bit higher in the weight department.
SHAWN:
Oh, you know what? That's my bad. I believe I was getting a "future reading" from next week. It happens. I apologize. Wait. I'm also getting a dance belt...
In front of her office, VICK hands LASSITER a folder.
VICK:
You are my head detective.
LASSITER takes the folder with sufferance as VICK goes into her office.
SHAWN:
And fishnet stockings. But that's this guy. (points to officer to his left) That's this guy here.
GUS sees LASSITER looking straight at SHAWN.
GUS:
Shawn. Shawn.
SHAWN:
I'm kidding. You're such a good sport. Everybody loves you.
LASSITER:
Hey, Spencer.
SHAWN:
Lassie-Face!(walks over)
LASSITER:
(meets SHAWN halfway) I've got the perfect case for you guys. (gives SHAWN folder)
SHAWN:
I'm sorry, you're saying that you want our help?
LASSITER:
Yeah.
SHAWN:
What's the catch? (opens folder)
LASSITER:
There's no catch. It's just right up your alley. I could really use your insights on this one. Guy's waiting to give you a statement. Interrogation room "B”. (pats SHAWN on the back) Make me proud. (walks away)
GUS:
Okay. What does that sound like to you?
SHAWN:
An opportunity. (closes folder and follows after LASSITER)
GUS:
No.
INT. SBPD, LOWER LEVEL, DAY
GUS follows SHAWN down the stairs.
GUS:
You think Lassiter is going to just hand us over a case? Stop, let's think about this for a minute.
SHAWN:
Gus, come on.
GUS:
What?
SHAWN:
We're going to roll up our sleeves, we're going to get a little bit dirty and we're going to do some old-fashioned police work. (stops outside interrogation room B) Come on, this is like In the Heat of the Night Which makes me Carroll O'Connor.
GUS:
No, that means you're Rod Steiger. That way, I'm Sidney Poitier.
SHAWN:
You know that's right.
They enter Interrogation Room B.
INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM B, DAY
SHAWN:
Oh, boy.
Sitting behind the table is a heavy-set naked man. SHAWN averts his eyes.
GUS:
Wow.
INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY
LASSITER is watching through the two-way mirror.
INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM B, DAY
SHAWN:
Looks like somebody beat us to the rolling up the sleeves.
GUS:
No. (starts to leave)
SHAWN:
What are you doing?
GUS:
What?
SHAWN:
(whispers) This is our case.
GUS:
(whispers) He's naked.
SHAWN:
(whispers) We got to work the room.
GUS:
(whispers) I'm going to work it from the outside.
SHAWN:
(whispers) You can work it from in here. Now, shut the door.
GUS shuts the door and SHAWN stands in front of the table. GUS stays by the door, looking out the window.
SHAWN:
Mr. (checks folder) Turk, is it? My name's Shawn Spencer. I'm the head "P" for the SBPD.
TURK:
You're the who for the what?
SHAWN:
Don't concern yourself with formalities, Mr. Turk. I'm here to take your statement, find out just what exactly happened to you.
TURK:
Well, I don't really remember much.
SHAWN:
Funny. It says here you told the desk sergeant you woke up naked in a field with your ass hanging out.
TURK:
Yeah, that's right. I mean, I don't remember exactly what they look like. You know, it's all really confusing for me right now.
SHAWN:
When you say "they”, just who are you referring to?
TURK:
The aliens.
GUS turns around and looks at him.
INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY
LASSITER chuckles.
INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM B, DAY
GUS:
See?
SHAWN sees a stylized heart stamp on the inside of TURK’S wrist.
SHAWN:
Right, aliens. Here it is. Page two. Got it. How would you describe these aliens, Mr. Turk? Would you say they were small? Would you say they were green?
TURK:
You know, I- I don't really recall right now. I've got this headache, and... Who is that person over there? Because he's really making me uncomfortable.
GUS:
I'm making you uncomfortable right now? Dude, is there any reason why you're not wearing clothes now?
TURK:
Hey, I think I might have been abducted, all right? I believe I might've been experimented on so there's no way I'm going to touch these clothes and compromise evidence!
SHAWN:
Okay, okay, Mr. Turk. Please, try to gain control of your considerable person. Why don't you cover up with a towel? That's why it's there. One size fits all... I hope. (spots streaks of dirt on TURK’S heel)
TURK:
All right. I'll cover up with the towel, but first, does somebody want to check me for scars?
TURK stands quickly and puts himself against the two-way mirror, spreading his arms for someone to “examine” him.
INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, DAY
LASSITER ducks away from the mirror.
LASSITER:
Oh, good Lord!
INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM B, DAY
SHAWN turns his head away and exclaims in disgust.
PSYCH
“He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. He Loves Me…Oops, He’s Dead”
By
Andy Berman
STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
And
Corbin Bernsen
DIRECTOR
Tim Matheson
**********************************************************************
INT. PSYCH OFFICE, DAY
SHAWN is sitting behind his desk and GUS is sitting on a chair in front of it.
GUS:
Are you really willing to just dismiss the idea that there's life on other planets?
SHAWN:
This is what I've got. I know he was dragged out there. Otherwise, no sign of assault. Nothing taken. Aside from the embarrassment of waking up naked in a field we've got nothing to hang our hats on. (holds up newspaper with photo of TURK covering himself) I guess technically We could have hung our hats on it.
GUS:
Shawn.
SHAWN:
Sorry. (puts down paper)
GUS:
Look, if it's not the alien thing, then how do you explain the memory loss the confusion, the fact that he saw a little green man?
SHAWN:
Hallucinations.
GUS:
No.
SHAWN:
What? Dude, you're the expert here.
GUS gets up in disgust and walks to his desk.
SHAWN:
Come on, man, there's got to be some drug that would cause a combination of those three things. Think. Drugs!
GUS:
(sits behind desk) Oh, you're asking me?
SHAWN:
Sure.
GUS:
Well, let me see. Off the top of my head any SSRIS, Tramadol, Bupropion, proton pump inhibitors. Venlafaxine, Ropinirole.
SHAWN:
That's good work, buddy.
GUS:
B-adrenoreceptor antagonists.
SHAWN:
Okay, gold star for Gus.
GUS:
Phencyclidine, ketamine, bufotenine.
SHAWN:
You're not going to stop, are you?
GUS:
Did I already say venlafaxine?
SHAWN:
There's no way to be sure.
GUS:
Wait, wait a second. Didn't he say something to you about...about smelling lavender? (walks around to front of desk)
SHAWN:
He said right before he blacked out he remembered the strong scent of lavender and seeing, uh, barbed wire.
GUS:
Right.
SHAWN:
Wait a second. Gus, that's not a hallucination. That's a location.
GUS:
That's what I'm saying.
SHAWN:
And I know exactly where it is. (stands and throws the car keys to GUS)
EXT. FIELD, DAY
SHAWN and GUS arrive at a field surrounded by a fence topped with barbed wire. The police are there. They walk the dirt road and see a man, Philip KEISER with a towel around his waist talking with LASSITER and JULIET.
SHAWN:
Dude, I've driven by this place at least twice. The question is, what are the cops doing here?
OFFICER on RADIO:
…body of another male Caucasian, early 30s, possible 314. Officers on scene.
GUS:
(looks at SHAWN) Johnny.
SHAWN:
Oh.
They stop at the gate and SHAWN sees tire treads in the dirt, a slim strap of leather with a buckle and an undisturbed spider web to the side of the entry with a strand of hair caught in the silk higher up. He then looks at the victim who is nervously holding the towel as he talks to the detectives.
KEISER:
Look, I saw the picture of that Turk guy in the paper. Now it's me in a field naked, headache? You do the math.
JULIET:
Do you remember seeing anything out of the ordinary?
KEISER:
Uh... I don't remember much at all.
LASSITER:
So you just woke up in a field wearing nothing but your birthday suit?
KEISER:
Look, I told you yes already. Are you going to give me a hard time? 'Cause I'm a little freaked out as it is. And can somebody get me a bigger towel? This thing is like the size of a wash cloth.
A crime scene photographer takes his photograph.
KEISER:
What are you, some kind of pervert?
LASSITER:
Cut him some slack. He's just doing his job. (walks away) You think he gets his jollies taking pictures of your ding-dong?
SHAWN and GUS jog up to LASSITER and JULIET.
SHAWN:
Lassie!
LASSITER:
What are you guys doing here?
SHAWN:
This is my case. You gave it to me, remember?
LASSITER:
Look, it's a copycat, okay? He saw Turk's picture in the paper. He's looking for attention.
GUS:
So he wakes up and sees Turk in the paper naked, humiliated, the butt of jokes at the water cooler and says, "Hmm. How can I make this work for myself?” What?
SHAWN:
(scratches right arm) Plus, it's really itchy out here.
LASSITER:
When you get your master's degree in criminology, then you can call me. In the mea ntime, I've got a half-eaten enchirito in my car. (puts on sunglasses and heads for car)
SHAWN looks over at KEISER and sees the same stamp on his wrist that TURK had.
SHAWN:
All right, here we go. You're up.
GUS:
What?
SHAWN:
Do it.
GUS:
I'm not doing that.
SHAWN:
Dude. I took the fat guy in the police station.
GUS:
I'm not doing that.
SHAWN:
This is a much better pull.
GUS:
I'm not doing that, Shawn.
SHAWN:
We're partners. (GUS walks away) Gus! (looks back at KEISER and makes a face)
EXT. STREET, DAY
SHAWN and GUS cross a downtown street.
GUS:
What does this case have to do with a tanning salon?
SHAWN:
It's the middle of winter in Santa Barbara. Those dudes looked like gingerbread men, without tan lines. They fake and they bake.
GUS:
Shawn, exactly how closely did you look at these naked guys?
SHAWN:
Too close. My heightened observational skills are considered a gift by most, but I'm here to tell you it can be a burden.
GUS:
How do you know it's this place?
SHAWN:
Keiser didn't have any streaks on his buttocks, okay? That screams the Insta-Tan process, and this is the only place that does that.
GUS:
Right.
They enter the salon.
INT. TANNING SALON, DAY
SHAWN:
Plus, they both live within a mile and a half of this joint.
GUS:
Uh-huh.
SHAWN walks to the reception desk where there is a little hand bell. He picks up the bell.
SHAWN:
I can't ring this. (calls for assistance) Hello? Hello? (to GUS) Look, I'm going to snoop around, okay? You find out if Turk or Keiser were here, and if so, when.
GUS:
Oh, Shawn, Shawn. This is not going to work.
SHAWN:
Dude, I've got to do my thing. I've got to mix it up nice.
GUS:
But...
SHAWN:
You always complain you don't get to do the questiony part. (motions to the desk) Questiony part... Gus. (motions back to GUS)
GUS:
Right, but... (SHAWN takes off) You're forgetting something—
A MAN comes out from one of the back rooms wearing a yellow golf shirt tucked into khaki shorts. He goes behind the desk.
MAN:
May I help you?
GUS:
Yes. I'm here for a tanning appointment.
MAN:
For yourself?
GUS:
Yes, for the Insta-Tan process. I would like that.
MAN:
But...
GUS:
What?
MAN:
Well, you're...
GUS:
Yes.
SHAWN:
Uh, I don't understand.
GUS:
Okay, look, screw it. I can't do it. (shows the employee photos of the two men) Have you seen either of these two guys here before? Fred Turk or Philip Keiser?
The MAN nods. GUS heads back deeper into the salon to a small waiting room where he sees SHAWN snooping about.
GUS:
Shawn. Shawn. Okay, both Turk and Keiser not only have been here, but they're regulars. He says it's always the single guys who try to keep up with their tans.
SHAWN:
Single guys?
GUS:
Yeah.
SHAWN:
Maybe that's it. Maybe some woman is targeting singles at the salon. The question is, what kind of a loser thinks getting a tan is going to help him score a woman?
The door to one of the rooms opens behind them and SHAWN turns around. He first sees the blue police bag and as his eyes travel up the robe-clad man, he sees it’s HENRY.
SHAWN:
Dad?
HENRY sets his bag on a table and sits on a couch. GUS sits next to him and SHAWN takes a chair, a pillow on his lap.
SHAWN:
Dad, what are you doing here?
HENRY:
The real question is, what are you doing here?
SHAWN:
Well, George Hamilton, we're on a case. Or maybe you missed the pictures of the guys in the paper in the fields.
HENRY:
Yes, of course I saw it. The nudist guy in the field thinks he was abducted by aliens. Idiot. What does that have to do with this place?
SHAWN:
Well, they're both regulars here. They both happen to be single, so this could be a stalking case.
GUS:
Wait a second. Your dad is single and he comes here all the time.
HENRY:
Everybody comes here.
SHAWN:
(sees something in HENRY’S bag) What is that?
HENRY:
What?
SHAWN:
(grabs the tube and reads it) Exfoliating scrub with pumice.
HENRY:
Whatever, Shawn. All I know is when I varnish my boat and I don't want it to streak, I sand off a layer first. Same thing goes with tanning.
SHAWN:
That is the single most disturbing analogy I have ever heard in my entire life. (slams the tbe back into HENRY’S bag) Where are they?
HENRY:
Who?
SHAWN:
The Queer Eye guys. I know they're here somewhere. Gus, what are their names?
GUS:
How am I supposed to know, Shawn?
HENRY:
Carson and Jai and the guy with the glasses.
GUS:
Oh yeah, who cooks the fish.
HENRY:
Right. (looks at GUS before turning to SHAWN) Shawn, you know what your real problem is? You got yourself another case, and, as usual, you're short-sighted. You think it's all impressive, cause you see a couple of nude guys in a field, you put a fix on 'em here. Well, it's not enough.
SHAWN:
This is what we know. Both these guys are trying to impress someone, which means a woman was involved, and that same woman was with them in the field.
GUS:
Shawn saw a woman's shoe strap in the field.
SHAWN:
How or why she connects to them, I just... I just don't know yet.
HENRY:
Well, you're not looking close enough. (opens legs and robe barely covers)
SHAWN:
Believe me, I've looked just about as close as I can bear.
HENRY looks down, makes a face and puts his knees together.
EXT. STREET, DAY
SHAWN and GUS cross a downtown street.
SHAWN:
I'm with you on the aliens thing. They're here, and they've swapped out my father with Jose Eber.
They arrive at the Echo.
GUS:
I think your dad might be right. I think we should get Turk and Keiser in the same room and actually ask them some questions.
SHAWN:
Fine. Let's do it. The rule is all slacks, all the time, no exceptions.
GUS:
I hear that. I've reached my naked man quota for the year. (gets in the car)
SHAWN’S cell rings and he answers it.
SHAWN:
Hello? We'll be there.
EXT. FIELD, DAY
VICK is waiting for them outside the same field as before.
VICK:
Step inside, guys. Your case just became legitimate. Consider yourself hired. I need answers, and I need them quick.
VICK lifts up the crime scene tape and they all duck under.
SHAWN:
Well, I do have something, chief. I'm getting... I'm getting skin pigment. Bronzed, glistening... (sees two parallel streaks on gatepost) Adonis-like skin pigment. You lead me through this field, you let me ask one question, I guarantee it's going to come down to spray tanning.
They stop at the sight of a dead man face-down on the ground. LASSITER and JULIET are examining the site. His lower body has been covered with a towel. He also has the same mark on his wrist.
VICK:
Well, this guy's never seen the inside of a tanning salon.
GUS:
I don't think he ever saw the sun.
VICK:
You've got 24 hours. Call me with something. (walks away)
LASSITER:
Grab a CSI. Verify time of death.
SHAWN:
Looks like we might have to open a kennel for all these copycats.
LASSITER looks at SHAWN before walking away. JULIET follows.
SHAWN:
Well, we’re back to square one.
GUS:
I don't know, Shawn. Maybe square one is the answer. Maybe this is something beyond our comprehension. Something otherworldly.
SHAWN:
I hear what you're saying. Do me a favor.
GUS:
What?
SHAWN:
Let go of the alien angle. We need something solid, Gus. Something... something concrete. You heard the Chief.
SHAWN takes in the partial stamp and pieces it together from the others to form a shamrock.
SHAWN:
Dude, how do you feel about leprechauns?
INT. RESTAURANT, DAY
The restaurant is tackily decorated like St. Patrick’s Day with large green shamrock decorations and green lights wrapped around railings. The host, MARVIN, comes up to them dressed as a leprechaun and speaks in a fake Irish accent.
MARVIN:
Oh, well, hello, me buckos. I'm Marvin. Welcome to Shenanigans, home of the world-famous Blarney Stone fajitas.
SHAWN:
Hello, Marvin. We're here to speak with a leprechaun.
MARVIN:
(regular voice) Ha, ha. Very funny. Please stop. My tummy's aching from laughing so hard. Do you guys want a table or what?
SHAWN:
Dude, give me some props. He's got a hat with a buckle on it. Everything is green.
GUS:
What? He's not a leprechaun.
SHAWN:
Will you do me a favor? In your funny accent, will you say, "magically delicious"?
MARVIN forces a laugh. On the podium, SHAWN sees a shamrock stamp.
SHAWN:
Is that the world-famous clover stamp?
MARVIN:
That's the one.
SHAWN:
(grabs GUS’ wrist) Will you stamp my buddy's wrist?
MARVIN:
(picks up stamp) Whatever floats your boat, man. (stamps GUS) It's for our nighttime events there. But hey, you can have it in the daytime, too.
GUS:
What nighttime events?
MARVIN:
We have speed dating here.
GUS:
Speed dating?
MARVIN:
Yeah. Don't laugh. It's actually one of our most popular events. Guys come in here, sign up, they put down 100 bucks and they get fixed up with all sorts of people on little six-minute mini-dates.
GUS:
Did you say 100 bucks?
MARVIN:
100 bucks.
SHAWN:
How about 50 bucks for three-minute dates?
GUS:
25 bucks for a minute and a half?
SHAWN:
I float you a ten spot, you introduce us to somebody for 15 seconds.
All three force laughter.
MARVIN:
How about you guys either get a table or I'm going to have to ask you to leave the podium?
SHAWN:
How about "magically delicious"? Will you say "magically delicious"?
MARVIN:
No, but I can say "police" if you don't get your butts out of here. (turns to other customers and speaks in brogue) Hello there! I'm Marvin. Welcome to Shenanigans. Home of the world-famous Blarney Stone fajitas.
INT. TURK’S HOME, DAY
The living room is lined with cuckoo clocks of varying sizes and colors. It is loud as they tick away the seconds. GUS and SHAWN are sitting on the couch.
TURK:
Yeah, I tried the speed-dating thing a couple of times. I just didn't think it had anything to do with the case, and I was a little embarrassed about it.
GUS:
Wow, you paid 100 bucks?
SHAWN:
Mr. Turk, we feel it has everything to do with the case, all right? Both Phil Keiser and the guy who turned up dead attended these speed-dating events.
The clocks begin chiming at once. SHAWN looks at GUS.
GUS:
(talking above the clocks) Do you remember anything strange happening there? Or meeting anyone odd?
TURK:
(talking loudly) The only odd thing was that the ladies didn't take to me like they usually do.
SHAWN:
(loudly) That's beyond odd. I can't imagine why, Fred.
TURK:
Here's the thing, though. Other strange things have been happening to me ever since I was at the event.
GUS:
Like what?
TURK:
Well, I applied for a job recently. I was a perfect candidate. I had several interviews, and then suddenly, after the final one, I was rejected.
SHAWN:
Let me ask you a question, Freddy, and please be honest. Were you on time for these interviews?
TURK:
Yes. Why do you ask?
SHAWN:
I have no reason.
EXT. TURK’S HOME, DAY
SHAWN and GUS walk to the car.
SHAWN:
I think there's a woman involved here who had it out for these guys. We need to get a first-hand look at this speed-dating phenomenon.
GUS:
Not for 100 bucks, we don't.
SHAWN:
Gus, please. Leave it to me.
INT. SBPD, VICK’S OFFICE, DAY
VICK is sitting behind her desk. SHAWN is sitting in one of the chairs in front of the desk, GUS standing next to him, while LASSITER rests his arm on the bookshelf by the door, smiling at the whole thing. JULIET stands next to him. SHAWN has a red flower stuck down his shirt.
VICK:
Let me get this straight. There is a dead body and a murder loose in our city and you want the Santa Barbara Police Department to pay for you to go on dates?
SHAWN:
Yes, that's correct. I mean, I suppose we could split it if we had to. What's that called? Going... going Deutsch? (looks at GUS before looking back at VICK) We'll go Deutsch.
VICK:
I am not paying for your dating services, Mr. Spencer.
SHAWN:
Look, here's the catch, Chief. I'm going to be reading these people, psychically. And I don't need six minutes. Give me 40 seconds with these people, I'll be able to tell you if they had anything to do with the murder. And you know what? Gus and I, we really did try to negotiate some sort of partial usage rate, but we got shut down by that leprechaun--
VICK:
Mr. Spencer, enough.
SHAWN:
Wait. I'm getting something else. (puts right hand to head) It's a woman... in sexy high-heeled strappy shoes. (flashes on the strap) She's roughly 5'2"... the hair in the cobweb) Jules, may I please have a pen and something to write on?
JULIET takes a pen and pad from VICK’S desk and hands it to SHAWN. He sketches furiously with a few grunts for emphasis. Finished, he passes the pad to GUS with a gasp. SHAWN closes his eyes and breathes heavily as if it took a lot out of him. GUS looks at the sketch before handing the pad to LASSITER. On it is a drawing of the tire marks from the field and a note.
LASSITER:
(reads) "To Lassie, on the Alpine highway of life, you are my all-weather tires. H & Ks, Shawn." What the hell is this?
JULIET:
"H&k" stands for "hugs and kisses." (smiles)
LASSITER:
Not that part. This part.
GUS:
It's a tire pattern. Run it through the system, and we'll know what kind of car she drives.
LASSITER passes the pad to VICK.
VICK:
Okay, I'll give you a shot at this, but you're not going alone.
SHAWN sits up straight.
VICK:
O'Hara, I want you to go along with these guys undercover working things from the other side. See if you can sift any information from these women.
JULIET:
Will do.
SHAWN:
(smiles at JULIET) Chief, I think that's the best idea you've ever had.
JULIET:
(sarcastic) Shawn, I am so glad you're on board.
VICK:
Detective Lassiter, I'm going to need you too. We don't know what this woman's type is, and besides, you're now leading the case.
LASSITER:
Yeah, you know, Chief, with all due respect, I'm really pretty busy working this case from another angle. I mean, I ran the toxicology reports, and I found that all three victims tested positive for trace amounts of the street drug GHB. But our dead guy had a pre-existing heart condition. So there was a pattern. I think the murder was accidental.
VICK:
And I like that track. Now, follow it up by going to the speed-dating thing. It's just a date, Lassiter. You do know how to conduct yourself on a date, don't you?
LASSITER scoffs.
INT. RESTAURANT, NIGHT
“Love is in the Air” plays in the background. LASSITER arrives still wearing his suit. JULIET has dressed up and has her hair down. SHAWN is wearing a long-sleeve button-down shirt and GUS is wearing a jacket.
LASSITER:
Okay, I checked out your tread pattern. (JULIET hands him a piece of paper) Thank you. It's a high-performance tire manufactured after 2002. So we're looking for a woman who drives a late-model sports car, probably American-made.
GUS:
And 5'2" and likes strappy heels.
SHAWN:
Check. (points at GUS) Question. (points at LASSITER) Is that what you're wearing?
LASSITER:
(looks down at his clothes) What's wrong with what I'm wearing? I always wear this.
SHAWN:
Exactly. Lassie, you look like a cop. Now, come on, man. (taps LASSITER’S side) Is that your holster?
LASSITER:
Of course it is.
SHAWN:
You're here to speed-date, man, not shoot somebody. You got to loosen up. Come on. Take off the tie. (flaps LASSITER’S tie)
LASSITER:
I'm not taking fashion tips from you.
SHAWN:
You need to show some chest hair. Chicks dig the sternum bush. Jules, back me up on the sternum bush.
JULIET:
I'm going to go, see what these women have to say before this thing starts. (walks to the raised section)
SHAWN:
Bye, Jules. All right, come on. Let's go Simon Cowell. You got the salt and pepper, man. It's nice.
LASSITER:
I am not taking off my tie just because you tell me to. (walks to raised section)
SHAWN:
Fine. Suit yourself.
The woman conducting the speed-dating, LORRAINE, starts the proceedings.
LORRAINE:
Ladies and gentlemen. (rings bell) Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming. For those of you who are new, I will explain how this works, okay? You will pick a numbered table to begin your first date. Every six minutes, you will hear… (rings bell) That will indicate the end of your time together. And your next date will begin. Now, I know six minutes is not a long time to get to know someone. That's why myself and the other staff will use the questionnaires you filled out to match you up. Okay?
As LORRAINE speaks, MARVIN fills the small snack bowls with popcorn.
LORRAINE:
Love is in the air. I can smell it.
GUS:
(whispers) I smell cabbage.
LORRAINE:
Let the dating begin! (rings bell)
SHAWN is sitting at a table with his first date, GLENDA.
GLENDA:
Shawn. That's a nice name.
SHAWN:
Yeah, it's okay. It's okay. My last name is Hofen-Inderheine. Yeah, it's been a tough life.
GLENDA:
Wow.
SHAWN:
Kids can be cruel.
GLENDA:
Yeah. You know, you could probably change that. What's your mom's maiden name?
SHAWN:
Buzzteets.
GLENDA:
Wow, yeah. "Teets" as in--
SHAWN:
Yeah, yeah. All my ancestry, we’re farmers.
GLENDA:
Hey, I was raised on a farm.
SHAWN:
No kiddin’.
GLENDA:
(laughs) I had this most adorable little pet goat named Cassie.
SHAWN:
Goat?
GLENDA:
Yeah. Did you ever have any, you know, pets growing up? What were their names? Oh, what's your favorite color?
The bell rings.
LORRAINE:
Move along.
SHAWN leans back in his chair and we see he is sitting next to GUS.
SHAWN:
I think these people might have more luck dating if they asked more interesting questions.
GUS:
I just hope I don't get pile-driven.
We see that GUS is sitting across from a female body-builder who flexes her muscles and growls. The bell rings and then we see LASSITER sitting at a table, no tie.
WOMAN 1:
Carlton, I hope this isn't too forward of me but you have kind eyes.
LASSITER:
Thank you. (pushes his collar open a bit)
GUS is sitting at another table with a young woman, DARCY.
GUS:
This is uncanny.
DARCY:
I know! God, you know I never meet anyone I connect with at these things. That's why I didn't even bother dressing up. I mean, I've given up a little.
GUS:
I think you look great.
DARCY:
Thank you.
At LASSITER’S table…
LASSITER:
So, what kind of car do you drive?
WOMAN 1:
Excuse me?
LASSITER:
You drive a sports car? Mustang, maybe? 2003?
WOMAN 1:
That's kind of a shallow question, isn't it?
LASSITER:
Do you like hanging out in fields?
WOMAN 1:
Okay, you know what? I think this date's over.
LASSITER:
No, I've got three minutes left. Where were you on the night of the 18th?
DARCY:
You know, normally, I would wear a dress.
GUS:
And heels?
DARCY:
Uh, yeah, I guess. Maybe.
GUS:
Like open-toed strappy ones?
DARCY:
What?
GUS:
Huh?
DARCY:
Huh?
GUS:
Is that what you have in your closet? A lot of high-heeled shoes?
DARCY:
Do you have a foot fetish?
GUS:
No!
DARCY scoffs and angrily jots down some notes. The bell rings again. SHAWN is sitting at another table against the wall.
SHAWN:
Look at us. A couple of kids on a proper date, huh? You got some goosebumps?
We see it is JULIET sitting across from him.
JULIET:
Shawn, this isn't a date. It's work.
SHAWN:
You're absolutely right, but hey, you've still got six minutes to ask me anything you want. So, do you want to know? What are you dying to know about Shawn Spencer, the man?
JULIET:
(shakes head) Oddly enough, I don't think I have anything I'm dying to know.
SHAWN:
Okay, Jules, don't lie, because lying is unbecoming. I'll go first. You, me, Burgess Meredith, Hume Cronyn, Nipsey Russell, deserted island, who are you going to sleep with?
JULIET:
So it's you or a bunch of dead guys?
SHAWN:
Fair. I'll give you Scatman Crothers.
JULIET:
Dead.
SHAWN:
Flip Wilson?
JULIET:
Also dead.
SHAWN:
Donald Pleasence.
JULIET:
None of the above.
SHAWN:
None of the above? Jules, are you kidding me? You've got...
Bell rings and SHAWN looks around before turning back to JULIET.
SHAWN:
You're going to miss me, aren't you? A little bit. Have fun on your next date. But I want you to think about that, okay? Like, if that really happened.
JULIET:
Bye, Shawn. (leaves)
The bell rings again. We see MARVIN filling the bowls as the daters change places. LASSITER arrives at his next date and sees it’s JULIET. LASSITER turns to walk away and nearly bumps into another man as he goes to sit at the next table. LASSITER changes his mind, pulls his shirt collar close and sits down. They avoid looking at each other, fidgeting with their hands – JULIET checks her watch and LASSITER cracks his knuckles. LORRAINE comes up behind LASSITER.
LORRAINE:
(whispers) Go on. Tell her she looks pretty.
JULIET smiles at his discomfort.
LASSITER:
(whispers) Yeah, no can do.
JULIET eats some of the popcorn.
LORRAINE:
(rings bell) That's it, people! You should have completed all your dates. Please score your cards and check up front at the bar, and we will also tell you who you match from your questionnaires. Okay?
SHAWN is sitting at a table with DARCY.
SHAWN:
I'm sorry.
LORRAINE:
Date's over. (rings bell)
SHAWN:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just haven't been a high-heel guy since Single White Female.
LORRAINE reaches between them and rings the bell.
SHAWN:
I just... yeah. (gets up and leaves)
LORRAINE:
Thank you.
GUS meets up with SHAWN at one of the tables.
SHAWN:
Dude, I think that Darcy girl might be the one. She's the right height, she drives an '04 Trans Am, and she wears nothing but heels.
GUS:
(checks notes) How did you find out about the heels?
SHAWN:
And she works in pharmaceutical sales, just like you. Now, would she have access to that GHB stuff?
GUS:
She certainly would've had access to the drugs to synthesize her own.
SHAWN:
That's sweet. Dude, you got to ask her out.
GUS:
What, and go out with a possible murderer? You must be out of your mind. I'm not doing that.
SHAWN:
Gus, I can't see her on a date. I got to see her in action. I got to look, I got to listen, I got to feel!
GUS:
Shawn, if we think it's her, let's tell Lassiter and Juliet, and get them to bring her in.
SHAWN:
You see what happens when we blurt out our theories. We totally whiffed on the tanning salon.
GUS:
Fine, you go out with her, then.
SHAWN:
I would, but she matched up with you.
DARCY spots them from the other section and waves excitedly.
SHAWN:
Oh, give her the sweetness. Dude, you got to give her the sweetness.
GUS nods and heads over to DARCY. He passes LORRAINE who is dragging a reluctant JULIET with her.
LORRAINE:
This is a speed dating first. You and you are a 100% match from your personality questionnaires. I smell love. (rings bell) Come on. Come on. (leaves)
SHAWN and Juliet laugh in embarrassment, not knowing what to say.
JULIET:
I need a drink.
SHAWN:
I got to pee.
They leave in opposite directions.
INT. BOWLING ALLEY, NIGHT
GUS asks SHAWN for some last-minute advice.
GUS:
Look, I don't know what to say to her. I ran out of topics on the way over here. Plus, she keeps wanting to rub my head. What's up with that?
SHAWN:
Gus, everybody wants to rub your head.
They look over at DARCY who waves from her seat.
SHAWN:
Look, you're doing fine. Okay? Here, here. (reaches into shirt pocket) Here's a list of conversation topics, basic starters. You got your ball, head on over there. I'm right behind you.
GUS:
(reads) "You're stranded on a deserted island and you have to procreate the species." Really? (gives paper back and walks away)
SHAWN:
This is gold. I give you gold.
SHAWN looks across and sees JULIET at one of the lanes with her date, KYLE. He tucks the note back into his pocket, picks up a bowling ball and heads to a nearby lane. JULIET must have done well because she jumps up.
JULIET:
Yes!
KYLE:
That was good.
SHAWN sends his ball down the lane but only hits the 10 pin. JULIET sees him.
JULIET:
Shawn?
SHAWN pretends he didn’t know she was there.
SHAWN:
Detective O'Hara.
JULIET:
Shawn, what are you doing here?
SHAWN:
Bowling. At a high level. (blows on fingertips)
JULIET:
By yourself, on a Saturday night?
SHAWN:
I'm in a league. It’s semi-pro. I could've gone pro, but I made a choice. I like to get 14, 15 hours of practice in…a week.
JULIET:
Wow. I had no idea you were so serious about bowling.
SHAWN:
Quite serious. Quite serious. As a matter of fact, Lego wants to sponsor me this year.
JULIET:
Oh, my God. That's great.
SHAWN:
They also want me to wear shoes made out of Legos. So I'm torn.
JULIET:
Okay. Well, I don't want to interrupt your practicing.
SHAWN:
Yeah, yeah, I should get back. I'm really not here to mess around.
KYLE comes up next to JULIET.
JULIET:
Oh, my God, I am so rude. Uh, Kyle, Shawn. Shawn, Kyle.
KYLE reaches out to shake hands.
SHAWN:
No, that's my bowling hand. (grips KYLE’S hand with his left) There you go.
JULIET:
Shawn works for the police department. He's a psychic.
KYLE:
Oh, cool, a psychic. Nice. Can you...can you tell me anything about my future?
SHAWN:
Oh, Kyle, please. That's not really how it works. (KYLE puts his arm around JULIET) Though I am...I am getting something. It's... it's hazy, but…I'm sensing that you're going to face a lot of...hmm… rejection.
KYLE:
Work-wise, or...
SHAWN:
No. No. Not work-wise. Not work-wise. You know what? I'm going to go. You kids get back to doing your thing. You know, she bowl, then you bowl, then she bowl, and you bowl. And you've got the tight tuck and it's sweet and it's perfect. See you, Jules. (leaves)
DARCY is rubbing GUS’ head. He takes hold of her hands and pulls them away. He then sees SHAWN walk by.
GUS:
Okay, okay. Hold on a second. I'll be right back. Ok?
DARCY:
Ok.
GUS:
(catches up to SHAWN) Wait! Where the hell have you been?
SHAWN:
(stops) Oh, sorry. Sorry. I ran into somebody. How you doing? You okay?
GUS:
Too okay. She wants to go back to my place.
SHAWN:
Oh, this is great. We'll get all the information we need there.
GUS:
No, the problem is I told her I live at the beach.
SHAWN:
Why would you tell her that?
GUS:
I don't know. I was trying to impress her at the time. I didn't realize I was going to be dating her, Shawn.
SHAWN:
Okay, okay, okay. Let me think. Dude, I got it. You take her to my dad's place. This is perfect. Look, just give me a head start. I'll prep. I'll cover everything. Just drive slow, okay? We can do this.
GUS:
All right. Bye.
EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT
HENRY comes out the front door onto the porch followed by SHAWN.
HENRY:
Shawn ...
SHAWN:
Just listen, just listen. Just hear me out. Hear me out. Listen. This might actually be fun for us.
HENRY:
What, you expect me to stand outside of my own house, in the cold, getting bitten by bugs, so Gus can score with some girl? I don't think so.
SHAWN:
Okay, first of all, not just "some girl", okay? This dame is a looker. She's a peach. She's a spicy tomato. Huh? And she may or may not be a murderer.
HENRY:
Oh, see, I knew it. I knew it. This has nothing to do with Gus finding a girl. This is about you using my house so you can conduct a sting operation. Shawn, it ain't gonna happen. (makes to move back inside)
SHAWN:
Okay, what are you doing? You're putting a negative spin on things, as usual. Look, might they have a few more obstacles than your typical couple if she turns out to be a cold-blooded killer? Sure. But what if they really fall in love, Dad?
HENRY:
Shawn, you've got about three seconds to get out of my way. One... (walks past SHAWN)
SHAWN:
That’s cheating. You're cheating. No, no, Dad. (grabs HENRY by the arms and pulls him back) Shh, shh. Quiet, okay? Shut up. Shut up.
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT
GUS enters and looks around to make sure the room is clear.
GUS:
Please, come in.
SHAWN and HENRY peer through a window.
DARCY:
Oh! You lit a fire. That was fast.
GUS:
Uh... Have a seat. Welcome to my home.
DARCY:
Wow.(looks around) You really like fishing. (sits on couch next to GUS)
GUS:
No. God, no.
We see that HENRY has done the room in a fish “motif”.
GUS:
I'm just playing. Yes, actually, I do love fishing. Yes. Love it. Love me some fishing. Some wide-mouth bass, some perch, some sturgeon. Whoo! Sturgeon is a fish, right?
DARCY laughs and rubs his head.
GUS:
Okay, okay.
SHAWN is leaning close over HENRY.
SHAWN:
(whispers) What is that?
HENRY:
(whispers) What?
SHAWN:
(whispers) That smell. It's like... It's like gardenia with a hint of mango.
HENRY:
(whispers) What?
SHAWN:
(whispers) Oh, my God! Did you take a bath?
HENRY:
(whispers) Yes, Shawn, I took a bath.
HENRY resumes watching GUS.
GUS:
Yes, you know, like security safes, vaults with locking devices.
SHAWN reaches a finger put and wipes something from behind HENRY’S ear.
SHAWN:
(whispers) With bubbles?
DARCY:
Are you my little safecracker?
GUS:
Well, I haven’t actually cracked any safes.
HENRY wipes at his ear before turning to look at SHAWN.
HENRY:
(whispers) I don't... It's this new soap that I'm using. It... It foams more.
SHAWN:
(whispers) "It foams more"? Dad, it's called "bubble bath."
HENRY:
(whispers) I don't... It's this new soap that I'm using. It... It foams more.
SHAWN:
(whispers) "It foams more"? Dad, it's called "bubble bath."
HENRY:
(whispers) Well, I don't think it's officially called "bubble bath" if the bubbles happened accidentally, but whatever, Shawn.
SHAWN:
(whispers) Who are you? Where's my father? I've accused you of being a lot of things in my lifetime, but metrosexual was never one of them.
EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT
HENRY hears GUS chatting and pulls SHAWN away from the window.
HENRY:
(whispers) I am not a metrosexual. I just happen to be an average Joe who is concerned about his health and appearance. I have taken baths for years, Shawn. That is where I think. I have solved dozens and dozens of gruesome, gruesome murder cases sitting in a tub. F.Y.I., historically, real men have always taken baths.
SHAWN:
(whispers) Name one.
HENRY:
(whispers) John Wayne. Rio Bravo. Bath.
SHAWN:
(whispers) You got anybody since the Old West?
The oven bell dings.
SHAWN:
(whispers) What was...What was that?
HENRY:
(whispers) That's my roast. It's done.
SHAWN:
(whispers) You made a roast?
HENRY:
(whispers) Oh, for Christ’s sakes, Shawn. It's not a quiche. It's man food. I would have gladly gone out and hunted it and killed it if I had the time. And unless you get out of my way, I am going to kill you.
SHAWN:
(whispers) You can't go in there. You'll compromise this entire investigation.
HENRY:
(whispers) The only thing compromised is my pot roast. It is drying out as we speak.
SHAWN:
Please? (HENRY brushes past him to go inside) No, Dad. No. God. (goes back to the window)
INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT
HENRY walks into the room. GUS and DARCY look at him as he passes.
HENRY:
Please, kids, pay no mind. Just passing through to the kitchen. Got to squeeze some juices on my roast. (opens the door and leaves room)
DARCY:
Gus?
GUS:
Oh, that's... Henry. He's my...my roommate. Yeah, he's just making... making a roast?
HENRY returns with a baster in his hand.
HENRY:
All done. All done. Just had to... (makes squirting sound) Okay... (leaves)
DARCY:
Look, it's fine that you have a roommate, but honestly, it's cramping our style. (rubs his chest seductively)
GUS:
It is?
DARCY:
What do you say we go somewhere more private?
GUS:
"Private" like where?
DARCY:
I know a back road that leads to a field. We could park the car...
SHAWN and HENRY watch through the window.
GUS:
(ardor cools) Uh, yeah, I don't think we should go to the field.
DARCY:
Why?
GUS:
Why? Um...
DARCY:
You don't like me. That's it, isn't it?
GUS:
No, no, my hay fever. My hay fever. The last place my nasal passages want to be is the field.
HENRY:
(whispers) No, no, no, she's not your killer, Shawn. Look in this girl's eyes, son. They're sincere.
DARCY:
You don't think I'm pretty.
GUS:
What?
DARCY:
(voice breaks) You... You just felt bad, because you… We matched up at the speed dating and you didn't know what to say, so you pretended. (rests her head on his chest and cries)
GUS:
Wow, you put all that together, huh?
HENRY:
(whispers) Those are real tears, Shawn.
SHAWN:
(whispers) You're right.
GUS looks at the window for help.
SHAWN:
That's real snot.
GUS tries to comfort DARCY.
EXT. HENRY’S HOUSE, NIGHT
SHAWN’S cell rings and he goes away from the window to answer.
SHAWN:
(whispers) Hello? Lassie? You what? I don't... Okay, okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (ends call) Dad... Dad, Dad, Dad. I got to go.
HENRY:
(whispers) Whoa, whoa. What do you mean, you got to go?
SHAWN:
(whispers) You got this covered.
HENRY:
(whispers) This poor girl is there, weeping on your best friend's shoulder in my house, and you're leaving? What do you do? What am I supposed to do?
SHAWN:
(whispers) I know, I know. It's a tough one. It's a real thinker. Uh... uh... I got it. Draw yourself another bath. (runs off)
HENRY:
(whispers) Shawn! Shawn!
INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, NIGHT
SHAWN is with VICK in the room looking in on the interrogation room where MARVIN is sitting at the table.
VICK:
Picked him up a couple of hours ago. Found him loitering outside one of the speed-dater's homes. When Lassiter checked his place, he found a stack of the questionnaires in his apartment.
LASSITER enters the interrogation room.
LASSITER:
Tell me about these, Marvin. (throws the questionnaires on the table)
MARVIN:
Look, I don't know anything about any crime. I just ... I used the names and the numbers to get dates, man, that's it.
INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM B, NIGHT
MARVIN:
I don't have 100 bucks to slap down on some entrance fee, not on my crap salary, so, yeah. And besides, that's why they go there. They go there for dates, right? So why not me?
LASSITER:
Why don't you think about that while you're trying to take a crap in front of six other guys?
MARVIN:
(sighs) Look, okay, come on, all right? All I did was I took some questionnaires out of the trash. That's it. What's the charge? "Not littering"?
LASSITER sits in the chair opposite.
INT. SBPD, OBSERVATION ROOM, NIGHT
MARVIN:
So if you don't have anything more, I'd like to get to work.
VICK:
Think he's telling the truth?
SHAWN:
(sees a green fingerprint on a questionnaire) Not by a long shot. Now look at him. He's not the right height. He doesn't even own a car. I mean, he can't match the tire tread. He's cocky. He thinks he's on a roll, but I'm inside his head, Chief, and I'm about to hang a Lopez around the frontal lobe and shoot right out of his nose onto his vest. You smell where I'm stepping? (nods) He had a partner. You let him go back to work, He's going to lead us right to the person. And I'll be able to pick him out, psychically. You have my word.
VICK:
I'd better. (speaks into intercom) Lassiter, let him go.
LASSITER gets up and looks into the mirror.
LASSITER:
Excuse me?
VICK:
Release him.
SHAWN:
(turns his head and looks at SHAWN instead of VICK) Release him? Why am I going to release him? (VICK knocks on the window and LASSITER turns his head) Why would I release him?
INT. SBPD, INTERROGATION ROOM B, NIGHT
VICK:
Release him.
LASSITER turns away from the mirror.
LASSITER:
Fine. Why don’t you get your shillelagh and get out of here?
MARVIN:
You got it.
INT. RESTAURANT, NIGHT
SHAWN, LASSITER and VICK enter the restaurant. LORRAINE approaches them.
LORRAINE:
Excuse me, may I help you people?
LASSITER:
Yeah, we're here for the speed dating event.
LORRAINE:
Oh, I'm sorry. It's already begun. Oh, wait, I remember you. Um, look, you seem like a decent fellow, and I'd hate for you to waste another $100. But I was watching you, and you're not very good at this.
LASSITER:
(holds up badge) Police business. Scat.
LORRAINE scurries off.
SHAWN:
(hands at temples, eyes closed) Okay, I need to breathe, and I need some space to do my thing.
VICK:
Okay.
VICK and LASSITER walk away. GUS arrives wearing a coral shirt with a large yellow flower in the center.
GUS:
Shawn!
SHAWN:
(turns around) Oh, good, buddy. You got the message. It's not Darcy. You're in the clear.
GUS:
(points at SHAWN) You're going to pay, Shawn. You are going to pay. Believe me.
SHAWN:
No offense, but it's tough to feel threatened by you when you're wearing that shirt. Is that a hibiscus?
GUS:
It's not my shirt, Shawn. It's your dad's shirt. He had to loan me one because mine was covered in snot tears.
SHAWN:
I can't... Did you know he also takes bubble baths?
GUS:
So did John Wayne.
SHAWN:
I know, but can you name one other guy?
GUS:
What's going on?
SHAWN:
I solved the case. It's actually got a decent twist. Have a seat.
SHAWN goes up to the area set aside for the speed dating while GUS sits down by the bar.
MAN 1:
Well, I'm actually kind of an adventurist. You know, I was caught in an avalanche once and in order to survive, I drank my own urine and I ate three of my toes, which is, you know, maybe why you saw me limp when I came in.
The WOMAN is less than impressed by this story. SHAWN comes over to the table.
SHAWN:
Hey, big guy. You mind if I cut in here?
MAN 1:
Oh, I don't know. We're kind of in a...
SHAWN:
You're going to be okay.(pats him on the back)
MAN 1:
Okay. All right. (gets up and leaves)
SHAWN:
(sits) Gee, I really hope that wasn't rude. It seemed a little rude.
WOMAN 2:
Well, actually, I should thank you, because he was awful.
SHAWN’S eye moves to the table behind the WOMAN where GLENDA is seated.
GLENDA:
That is a very nice name.
WOMAN 2:
...but you're kind of cute.
GLENDA’S gaze falls on MARVIN who is leaning close to another woman. He leaves when he realizes she is looking at him.
GLENDA:
So, navy blue is your favorite color? Mine's green.
SHAWN zooms in on GLENDA’S hand and sees a circle of pale skin on her ring finger.
GLENDA:
You know, you seem European. You sure you don't have family history there?
SHAWN notices the same mark on MARVIN.
GLENDA:
What's your mother's maiden name?
WOMAN 2:
So after volunteering for the animal shelter, I decided...
SHAWN:
Can I just… Can I stop you for a moment? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. (stands and taps on glass) Uh, everybody? I'm sorry, if I could just get your attention for a sec here. I'm sorry.
JULIET arrives and stands with GUS, VICK and LASSITER by the bar.
SHAWN:
(to WOMAN 2) I want to pick this up right where we left off if there's any time left on the clock, okay? Because you seem like a terrific person. You deserve someone special. Someone who makes you feel safe, but also a little dirty, you know what I'm talking about? (begins to walk among the tables) Everyone deserves someone special, each and every one of you. All of you. Look, is your perfect match here tonight? I don't know. I'm not sure. But the point is, you're here, and you put your hearts on the line, and that's all that really matters. Unfortunately, there are two people here that do not share your pure desires. They're not here to find their soul mates. They're not here to fall in love. As a matter of fact, they're not even single. You, Glenda, (points) and you, Marvin, (points) are a couple. An odd couple, to be sure, but a couple. Matter of fact, you're married!
GLENDA:
This is absurd!
SHAWN:
The tan lines on your fingers where your wedding rings used to be will prove...
VICK:
Please, not with the tanning thing again.
SHAWN:
…that not only are you married, but that tanning had something to do with this investigation. Thank you, Chief. Now, the question is why would a married couple infiltrate a singles event? Well, the answer is simple. It's a perfect place to commit their crime. They're here to rob you, ladies and gentlemen. To steal from you the one thing that is invariably your own. Identity.
LASSITER:
I told you that leprechaun was bad.
SHAWN:
Marvin did copy the questionnaires to get these people's phone numbers and addresses. And you, Glenda, cleverly found the answers to questions like "What's your mother's maiden name?" "What's your favorite color?" "Did you have any pets? What are their names?" "Name all the Bee-Gees." Those are the same questions that you get at the bank from security when you try to authorize a credit card. So, what was left? Get the credit card numbers from these poor guys without them knowing they were robbed. So you came up with a plan. You followed them, you drugged them. You took down the numbers and you deposited them naked in a field where they woke up disoriented, grassy-assed, but none the wiser. Fred Turk did see a little alien that day, except it wasn't an extraterrestrial. It was Marvin in his ridiculous, stupid green leprechaun costume. And they would have gotten away with it, too, folks, if it wasn't for their last victim. The one who didn't quite wake up.
GUS:
(whispers) I'm going to work it from the outside.
MARVIN makes a run for it but is stopped by LASSITER. At the same time, GLENDA tries to get away but SHAWN blocks her.
SHAWN:
Not so fast! Because that isn't even the worst of it. The worst of it is that you two stole a very valuable seat that belonged to a single person. A single person who believes in the power of love. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Both of you.
VICK escorts GLENDA out while LASSITER takes MARVIN. LORRAINE rings the bell.
LORRAINE:
Murder, wow. That's a speed dating first. Be sure to check up at the bar and see who you match from your questionnaires, okay? (rings the bell)
The daters begin to file out. SHAWN smiles and sits down at the table with WOMAN 2.
SHAWN:
I’m sorry about that.
WOMAN 2:
Wow.
SHAWN:
You know? I just... It was from here, though. (taps chest) You know that. So we were talking about what? We were talking about…
WOMAN 2:
Beagles.
SHAWN:
That's so sweet, because you like them, and you put little sweaters on them.
WOMAN 2:
Yeah, well, sometimes.
JULIET comes over to the table.
JULIET:
Excuse me, sorry. May I cut in?
SHAWN:
It's my...parole officer.
WOMAN 2:
Oh.
SHAWN:
Yeah.
WOMAN 2:
Okay.
SHAWN:
I’m sorry.
WOMAN 2:
Sure. (leaves)
JULIET sits down.
JULIET:
Sorry.
SHAWN:
Where did you... I thought you…I thought you were on a date.
JULIET:
I was. It's over.
SHAWN:
Over?
JULIET:
Mmm-hmm.
SHAWN:
"Over" like "he laid one on you on the front porch, and you got little butterflies" over? Or "you pretended like you had a headache and called it quits early" over?
JULIET:
Not that it's any of your business, but he can't bowl. And that's the deal-breaker.
SHAWN:
I see.
JULIET:
Hmm. But look, the only reason I sat down is because I wanted to clear one thing up. I don't take any stock in those profile-matching thingies we did the other night.
SHAWN:
Jules, I was just messing around. I... I copied your card over your shoulders. Like verbatim. You thought maybe I sew my own pajamas? That’s…
JULIET:
Right, okay. Well, good, because, um, I don't want there to be any weirdness between us, and it seems like we're going to be working together a lot.
SHAWN:
All the time.
JULIET:
Yeah. So, nice job on the case, by the way.
SHAWN:
Thank you very much.
JULIET:
Yeah.
SHAWN:
Thank you.
JULIET:
Okay, all right, I'll see you at work. (stands)
SHAWN:
That's how we do it.
JULIET:
Yeah.
SHAWN:
Work-style.
JULIET:
(stops and turns around) See you at work.
SHAWN:
See you.
JULIET leaves and SHAWN thinks over the exchange. GUS joins him.
GUS:
Where's she going?
SHAWN:
You know what, I think... I think I undersold the fajitas.
GUS reaches for the snack foods on the table.
GUS:
Well, wouldn't be the first time a female walked out on you in the middle of a meal.
SHAWN:
Oh, please, Gus, we're talking about Jules here. It's not like we were on a date. Plus, it wouldn't work out. It would never work out. I'd have to really bowl well. And apparently that's a deal-breaker.(chuckles)
GUS sniffs the food.
SHAWN:
You know how awful those are.
GUS:
I’m hungry, man.
SHAWN:
Dude, jerk chicken.
GUS:
Oh, you know that's right.
They leave.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-20 03:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-20 04:26 am (UTC)This looks pretty comprehensive, but as they use different names, I don't know which is the one