Transcript: 3x02 Murder? ...Anyone? ...Anyone? ...Bueller?

[jpgr]

EXT. LELAND BOSSEIGH HIGH SCHOOL, NIGHT

The lit sign at the front reads “Reunion Tonight!!! Welcome Back Class of 1995!”

INT. LBHS, GYM, NIGHT

The gym is decorated in an island theme. People are still moving tables and making last-minute adjustments. GUS is standing at the table holding the punch.

GUS:
Who put the orange slices in the punch bowl already? They'll be soggy by the time everyone gets here. This is a disaster, people!

SHAWN:
(wanders over) Yep. First, typhoid fever, now this?

GUS:
Shawn, this night has been 13 years in the making. Everything has to go perfectly. What I need from you is your support and your cooperation. Not your sarcasm and mockery.

SHAWN:
Okay, buddy. Let me know when I can mock, 'cause I'm ready to mock.

GUS:
(points to SHAWN’S shirt) Where's your grad pic?

SHAWN:
Oh, yeah, I'm not gonna wear mine. (chews on snack)

GUS:
Shawn, come on. Don't do this to me. You know that was my thing. (walks away) Instead of name tags, we'll know who everyone is from their class picture. Great idea, right?

SHAWN:
(checks watch) Is it mock time yet? (follows GUS)

INT. LBHS, ENTRANCE HALL, NIGHT

GUS and SHAWN walk into the hall to the welcome table. There’s a pineapple sitting on the table with the other tropical decorations.

GUS:
Just put it on, Shawn.

SHAWN:
(clips on badge) Okay, fine.

GUS:
(takes clipboard from man at the table) Excuse me.

SHAWN:
There. You happy now?

GUS:
(looks up) Shawn, that isn't you, is it?

SHAWN:
No, it isn't.

GUS:
It's Judd Nelson, isn't it?

SHAWN:
Yes, it is, and it's sweet, sweet nice.

The door opens and in walks a man in a letterman’s jacket with a beautiful woman. He is greeted by other athletes.

SHAWN:
Look who just rolled in. Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy. (sees he’s wearing cowboy boots) From Fresh Horses.

GUS:
That's Howie Tolkin. He was our quarterback junior and senior year.

SHAWN:
We had a football team?

GUS:
Yes.

HOWIE puts his arm around the woman’s shoulder.

SHAWN:
Tackle?

GUS:
Seriously?

SHAWN:
Who's the prom queen?

GUS:
She's the prom queen. Eileen Mazwell. You really don't remember any of this? They're married now.

A woman enters alone wearing a spaghetti strap red dress. SHAWN is surprised to see her.

SHAWN:
Dude, you didn't tell me Abigail Lytar was coming.

GUS:
(sees the look on SHAWN’S face) Oh, yeah.

SHAWN:
(clears throat) I should... Should say hello.

GUS shakes his head as SHAWN walks over to Abigail who is reading a poster.

SHAWN:
Abigail Lytar.

ABIGAIL:
(turns around and looks at his picture) Judd Nelson.

SHAWN:
In the flesh.

ABIGAIL:
I loved you in From the Hip.

SHAWN:
Thank you very much. You know, there are those who believe I flared my nostrils too much in that film.

ABIGAIL:
Oh, no. I mean, how else could we have possibly known how angst-ridden you were?

SHAWN:
I agree.

ABIGAIL:
So.

SHAWN:
Yeah, so...

GUS:
Shawn! Hello, Abigail.

ABIGAIL:
Hi.

GUS:
I need you to go to the cafeteria and grab another stack of folding chairs for me. We're already short.

SHAWN:
Consider it done. One problem: where's the cafeteria?

GUS:
Did you even attend this school? Just grab the chairs. (starts to walk away)

SHAWN:
I don't know where I'm going!

GUS:
Maybe Abigail could help you.

SHAWN:
(looks at ABIGAIL) I like that. I like that very much.

INT. LBHS, HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN and ABIGAIL walk through the hall lined with lockers. SHAWN is slightly ahead. ABIGAIL sighs and smacks SHAWN with her bag. They stop.

ABIGAIL:
You really don't remember what happened between us in high school, do you? Stern's Wharf? Senior year? The carnival on the pier? You pursued me, like, every day of senior year, and then I finally agreed to go out with you, and then you didn't show up.

SHAWN:
I… Uh, yeah, yes. (continues walking) Here's the thing, Abigail, and not a lot of people know this, I was actually working as a midwife back then, family business, and I got a call from a client late at night going into labor. 34 hours, it was a lot of screaming, fair amount of pushing, some dilation, tongs…

ABIGAIL:
I can see where it wouldn't have occurred to you to call me. But you know what? It was 13 years ago. Hardly matters now.

SHAWN:
Exactly, is what I'm saying! It was, like, forever ago! We're adults now, doing adult things. And you're a teacher. That's fantastic.

ABIGAIL:
What about you? Or are you still in midwifery?

SHAWN:
No, no. I've dabbled in quite a few things, actually, but I landed quite nicely on psychic detective.

ABIGAIL giggles.

SHAWN:
That's for real.

ABIGAIL:
Who would actually choose to be a psychic?

SHAWN:
First of all, it's a gift, it's not a choice. And I happen to be very, very good at it.

ABIGAIL scoffs.

SHAWN:
I solve crimes for the Santa Barbara police department. It's kind of a big deal.

ABIGAIL:
(sarcastically) You solve crimes?

SHAWN:
All the time.

ABIGAIL:
(giggles) Okay, well, you be sure to let me know if you sense that, you know, someone here at the reunion is gonna steal my lunch money.

SHAWN:
That's very clever.

They stop. SHAWN is facing the window. He sees what looks like a body in a letterman jacket fall past.

SHAWN:
Did you see that?

ABIGAIL:
What, is someone getting their lunch money stolen?

SHAWN:
I think it's a little bit bigger than that.

**********************************************************************
PSYCH

“Murder? …Anyone? …Anyone? …Bueller?”
By
Andy Berman

STARRING:
James Roday
Dulé Hill
Timothy Omundson
Maggie Lawson
Kirsten Nelson
And
Corbin Bernsen

DIRECTOR
Michael McMurray

**********************************************************************

EXT. LELAND BOSSEIGH HIGH SCHOOL, NIGHT

SHAWN, GUS and ABIGAIL are outside on the grounds where the body should be. There’s nothing there.

SHAWN:
Someone was murdered here. I am absolutely 100% certain that I sensed a body drop here. Right here. I don't know who. But I can see he was wearing a letterman's jacket of some sort.

GUS:
Are you doing this to me on purpose? Are you fabricating some kind of foul play just to mess up the night for me?

SHAWN:
Yes, I am. I killed someone here at our high school reunion just to foil your 13-year video retrospective of best pep rally moments.

GUS:
Do you even know what a pep captain is, Shawn?

SHAWN:
Yeah, he's a male cheerleader I believe.

GUS:
It's a leader among men, Shawn! A leader among men!

SHAWN:
Who cheers. I saw Bring It On.

ABIGAIL:
Oh, wait, I get it. You guys are dating? You're together? Everything makes sense.

GUS:
We are not dating.

SHAWN:
Are you kidding me? He was voted “Most Likely to Succeed”. Think he's gonna date me?

GUS:
No body, no crime, Shawn. (turns and walks away)

SHAWN:
Gus, buddy...

GUS:
No body, no crime!

SHAWN:
Gus!

GUS:
No body, no crime. (voice fades)

SHAWN:
He's just gonna keep saying that, isn't he?

ABIGAIL:
I believe so, yes. (slaps him on the arm and walks away)

SHAWN:
But... You don't believe me either?

ABIGAIL:
No body, no crime, Shawn.

SHAWN:
But, Abigail!

SHAWN looks down on the ground and sees two pins: an “S” and “C”.

INT. HENRY’S, KITCHEN, NIGHT

HENRY is preparing steaks for dinner. He looks up and sighs.

INT. MADDIE’S HOTEL ROOM, NIGHT

MADDIE is stretched out on the bed in her pajamas with files and her laptop. The phone rings.

MADDIE:
Hello?

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. HENRY’S, KITCHEN, NIGHT

HENRY’S is standing at the counter.

HENRY:
Hey, hi.

MADDIE:
Henry?

HENRY:
Yes, yes, it's me, Henry, your ex-husband. Look, I don't want to bother you, but... How you doing?

MADDIE:
Great. And you?

HENRY:
Great. Doing great.

MADDIE:
Well, there's that.

HENRY:
Hey, Madeleine, listen. I'm just about to cook up a steak here, and I've got another one sitting right next to it. I was just thinking, you know, if you're hungry, you could, uh… Would you... Or not. I, uh...

MADDIE:
Honestly, I would love to taste one of your steaks, but I just had a delicious salad from room service.

HENRY:
Hey, no biggie. I, you know... Of course, I just was concerned that you hadn't eaten and now that I know that you had salad, I feel better and... Ba-ba-boom! (laughs) Have a good night.

MADDIE:
You too.

HENRY:
Okay, bye.

MADDIE ends the call.

HENRY:
Ba-ba-boom?

INT. LBHS, GYM, NIGHT

The reunion is well underway. Couples dance to the band. SHAWN hurries over to GUS.

SHAWN:
Okay, dude, I think I'm on to something. Now, true, there may not be an actual body, but I am telling you that a very real crime was committed here and there is very real evidence.

GUS:
I would like to see some evidence of some folding chairs, Shawn.

SHAWN:
If you're not gonna take this seriously, then I will pull out this phone, (holds up phone) and I will call Lassiter.

GUS turns around and talks to the man next to him.

GUS:
Hey, Could you start distributing these ballots for the reunion king and queen to everybody? (hands over ballots)

SHAWN:
Dialing, connecting. Ringing.

SHAWN puts the phone to his ear. The ringing sounds in the gym. SHAWN and GUS turn towards the sound to see LASSITER standing by the punch bowl, phone in hand. SHAWN and GUS walk over as LASSITER pours a glass.

GUS:
Lassiter, what are you doing at our reunion?

LASSITER:
Well, first off, of course it had to be yours, 'cause that's my luck. And secondly, I'm on a date.

SHAWN:
Well, we're on a case, and you're on it with us.

LASSITER:
Not tonight I'm not.

GUS:
On a date? With a person?

LASSITER:
Yes, with a person. Blonde, yellow dress. (looks over to woman dancing on the floor)

SHAWN:
Mindy Howland?

LASSITER:
Mmm-hmm.

GUS:
Isn't that the girl who stuffed Bobby Cobetts in his own car trunk when he wouldn't kiss her at the Spring Fling?

LASSITER:
We met at the Santa Barbara Bowl at the Ravi Shankar concert last week, and she asked me out on a date.

GUS:
Who goes to someone else's reunion when they barely even know them?

SHAWN:
Who goes to a Ravi Shankar concert?

LASSITER:
Look, I didn't realize it was a reunion until I showed up. But we have a very deep connection.

SHAWN:
Same connection you have with the sitar?

MINDY comes over and puts her hand on LASSITER’S shoulder.

MINDY:
(sighs) Where's my punch, Corey?

SHAWN:
Yeah, where's her punch, Corey?

MINDY turns around and makes a face at the two of them.

GUS:
Hello, Mindy. You look nice.

MINDY:
Give it up, Button-Up. I already have a date to this thing.

SHAWN:
Mindy, it's official. You've won “Bitchiest Banana”. And now I am going to borrow Detective Lassiter for as long as I'd like. (takes LASSITER away by the arm)

MINDY:
Detec... Wait, he's a cop?

SHAWN:
All right, I have to be discreet. Gus has a very weak constitution for these sorts of things. I witnessed a murder here tonight.

LASSITER:
What? Who?

SHAWN:
I'm not entirely sure.

LASSITER:
What did you see?

SHAWN:
I didn't actually see anything. I psychically witnessed it with my third eye.

LASSITER:
Where's the body?

SHAWN:
There's not one.

LASSITER:
Listen up. Let me impart to you a little police wisdom we like to throw around down at the station. No body, no crime.

SHAWN:
What, do you guys put that on a t-shirt?

LASSITER:
Fine. Who did it? And why?

SHAWN:
I don't know. But, (taps LASSITER on the chest) I don't know.

LASSITER:
Do you have a murder weapon?

SHAWN:
Nope.

LASSITER:
Well, then good night, Spencer. (walks away)

SHAWN looks back to GUS who is nodding his head to the music. He walks over.

SHAWN:
Gus, this so-called football team of ours, were we any good?

GUS:
Yes, we won State Champ our senior year. Seriously, you didn't go to any of the games?

SHAWN:
The games were on Fridays. That would mean missing Step by Step. But this winning state, would that get you some sort of special pin?

GUS:
Yes, Shawn. The State Champs pin.

SHAWN flashes on all the letterman jackets but the only one with the “SC” pin is HOWIE.

SHAWN:
I got it. (walks over to LASSITER) Lassie, I know who the murder victim is.

LASSITER:
Who?

SHAWN:
Class of '95, Sabercats' starting quarterback (fake announces) Howie Tolkin!

GUS:
Shawn.

SHAWN:
What?

SHAWN turns around to see what GUS is looking at. HOWIE and EILEEN have just re-entered the gym.

SHAWN:
Howie.

LASSITER looks at him like he’s made a fool of himself – again.

SHAWN:
Hold that thought.

INT. LBHS, ENTRANCE HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN exits the gym on the phone.

SHAWN:
Look, Jules, just get down here as fast as you can. I really need your help on this case. It's intense. Well, I will fill you in on the rest when you get here. Thank you. (ends call)

INT. LBHS, GYM, NIGHT

LASSITER and MINDY are with another couple.

MINDY:
So Carl, this is my ex-boyfriend from high school all four years, Eldon.

ELDON:
(shakes hands with LASSITER) Nice to meet you, buddy.

MINDY:
Yeah. (sighs and stares at ELDON before clearing throat) Right. And this is his, his brand-new wife, Stephanie. Yeah. So, I'm dating a cop now. (puts hands possessively on LASSITER’S shoulder)

ELDON:
(scoffs) Oh, really?

LASSITER:
(self-effacing) Yeah.

ELDON:
You ever shoot anybody?

LASSITER:
Well, I don't...

MINDY:
Of course he has. Probably a bunch of people.

LASSITER:
A bunch? I mean, you know, what is a bunch really?

MINDY clears her throat and grips him tighter.

LASSITER:
I… Yes.

INT. LBHS, HALL, NIGHT

Two men are leaning against the wall bemoaning their single status.

MAN 1:
Women. Absolutely nothing but heartache, man.

A third man agrees. He speaks with a thick Indian accent.

MAN 3:
All they want is a ring, man. They won't stop till they get the ring.

SHAWN is leaning against the wall at the end.

SHAWN:
Dude, I could not have said it better myself. Maybe clearer, but I agree. I'm just like you guys. I... I hope to kiss one, someday.

MAN 1:
Exactly. You know, dude, you're just like us, marginally employed, single, never been married. I mean, you get it.

SHAWN turns his head and notices the trophy case was broken into and everything having to do with HOWIE’S success has been scratched and tampered with. He turns to look at the others.

SHAWN:
Did you guys see someone tampering with this case?

MAN 1:
No, but I wish I'd thought of that. I would love to see that Tolkin guy go down. He terrorized me in high school.

MAN 2:
They build a shrine for him 'cause he can throw a football? Who cares?

SHAWN:
Exactly.

MAN 3:
Hey, why don't they build a shrine to my butt?

They all laugh. JULIET arrives wearing a dress.

JULIET:
There you are! I've been looking all over for you.

MAN 1:
Dude, you totally lied to us. You have a girl, and she is hot.

SHAWN:
(holds out a hand) Excuse us, dudes. (walks away with JULIET) Okay, what are you wearing?

JULIET:
What? You said you were on a case and there were possible criminal suspects down here that might get spooked by cops sniffing around.

SHAWN:
Yeah, but what are you wearing? This is a reunion, not the prom. I need you to fit in.

JULIET:
What? This? This isn't a prom dress.

SHAWN:
It looks like a prom dress. It's a little... Poofy.

JULIET:
It doesn't poof. There's no poof.

SHAWN:
A slight poof.

JULIET:
Look, it's what I was gonna wear to my high school reunion that I couldn't go to because I was on a case. Just show me where these suspects are that I need to vet.

SHAWN:
I don't know if you need to "vet" anything. The animals are fine. But let's poof on over, and I'll point 'em out to you.

INT. LBHS, GYM, NIGHT

MINDY is going through her purse as LASSITER watches the room.

MINDY:
Oh, thanks for playing up that whole tough guy cop thing, you know, with Eldon. (takes out compact) That was really nice of you. I think the "I'm packing heat" thing was a little overboard, but he seemed to buy it, so... (checks her makeup in the mirror)

LASSITER:
But I am packing heat. (opens jacket to reveal badge and holster)

MINDY:
(gasps) That's cute. What, do you squeeze the trigger and a little pen comes out so you can write people parking tickets? Barnaby Jones, why don't you hold my purse while I go dance? (slaps her purse on LASSITER’S chest and walks off)

SHAWN:
(takes JULIET by the arm and walks with her)I called you because I need your help… (sees HOWIE and EILEEN) Oh, my God! It's Howie and Eileen! (points at photo badge) Abe Frohman, Sausage King of Chicago.

HOWIE points at SHAWN to show recognition.

SHAWN:
(laughs) Yes! We all spent our wonder years together.

HOWIE:
Right.

SHAWN:
You guys look great. Especially you. I want you battin' clean-up, if you catch my meaning. Look at that package, huh? I don't mean to be a downer, guys, but did you know that somebody tampered with your football shrine?

HOWIE:
Ah! Dude, seriously, that's just old high school stuff. I don't even think about that anymore. I'm actually on to much bigger stuff now, so…

EILEEN:
Howie just announced his candidacy for State Assembly last month.

HOWIE:
Yeah, dude. I care about the issues. I actually think I can make a difference. Isn't that right, babe?

EILEEN:
That's right, baby.

HOWIE:
See, after I fix the state of California, I'm gonna write a motivational book for losers who need help. And the working title right now is Move It Or Move It!

SHAWN:
Wow, that is so much stuff.

JULIET:
Wow, yeah.

SHAWN:
When will you find time to tape Larry Lester's butt cheeks together?

JULIET laughs but HOWIE and EILEEN don’t get the reference.

SHAWN:
Never saw Breakfast Club? Either of you?

HOWIE:
(holds out arm for EILEEN) Okay, baby, Howie wants one of those little mini quesadillas. Let's get after it.

HOWIE and EILEEN walk away.

SHAWN:
Who hasn't seen The Breakfast Club?

JULIET:
(shakes head) Um…

SHAWN:
You honestly don't think there's anything suspicious about those two?

JULIET:
I'm not sure. I mean, for a guy who's clearly stuck in the past, he seemed to brush off the whole vandalism of his trophy case thing pretty easily. (walks slowly) I could dust the case for prints, but that's it.

SHAWN:
(walking with JULIET) Jules, anyone who enters or exits this place is a suspect. This thing ends before I solve the homicide, you can kiss the murderer good-bye. (sees GUS at punch bowl) Gus, thank goodness. I need to get to the roof, I need to get into the library, I need to psychically remember everything about high school.

GUS:
That stuff is locked up tight. This place is like Fort Knox tonight.

SHAWN:
(slams hand on table) Fine. Where's the gymnasium?

GUS:
We're in the gymnasium, Shawn.

SHAWN looks around, noticing the basketball hoops and the scoreboard behind the decorations.

SHAWN:
Wow, buddy, you did a really nice job.

INT. HENRY’S, KITCHEN, NIGHT

HENRY is sitting alone at the table eating his steak dinner. The phone rings and he looks at the Caller ID before answering.

HENRY:
Hey, Shawn, what's up?

INT. LBHS, ENTRANCE HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN is standing off to the side.

SHAWN:
Listen, Dad, remember that box of my old high school stuff that Mom put away for me? There’s… It was just a... It was a box of stuff.

CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH –

- CUT TO:

INT. HENRY’S, KITCHEN, NIGHT

HENRY:
What box?

SHAWN:
The box.

HENRY:
What box, Shawn?

SHAWN:
What am I thinking? Mom's in town. Do me a favor. Call her, find out where she put it.

HENRY:
I can't. I can't.

SHAWN:
What do you mean you can't?

HENRY:
I can't. I just talked to her, Shawn, and I think she thought... I mean, supposedly… She had a salad. Who am I to think that she didn't have a salad? I just…

SHAWN:
Dad, I need this box. I'm on a case, okay? Just call her, locate the box. I will come get it from you.

HENRY:
(rubs hand on head) Fine.

SHAWN:
Fine. (ends call) What is he talk... I don't... (walks away)

INT. HENRY’S, ATTIC, NIGHT

HENRY is looking at a packed shelf. MADDIE is at another shelf.

HENRY:
I just don't see it.

MADDIE:
You're not looking.

HENRY:
There's so much stuff. What is all this crap?

MADDIE:
It's your life.

HENRY:
These boxes are not my life.

MADDIE:
Well, it's stuff from your life anyway. I boxed it all up 'cause I thought maybe someday you'd want to look at it again, when you're old and crotchety.

HENRY:
(picks up box) Yeah, well, I just want to dump it all. (tosses it aside)

MADDIE:
Which in your case would be today.

HENRY finds a small box on a shelf and picks it up, excited.

HENRY:
Look it this! (holds up a small car) Look at that!

MADDIE:
What is it?

HENRY:
It's a matchbox car. It's Shawn's first one. I bought it for him when I brought him home, remember?

MADDIE:
(takes car) I do.

HENRY:
He never even played with it.

MADDIE:
Henry, you bought him a squad car.

HENRY:
Kids love police cars.

MADDIE:
(puts the car in the box) But they're all police cars, all 20 of them.

HENRY:
No, no, no. They're all different. (holds up each car) You see that one there, that's a squad car. This one here, see that? (sits in old chair) It's a paddy wagon. A prison transport vehicle, that's an old one. Oh, look at that! A crowd control van. Look, it even has little tiny water cannons up on top.

MADDIE:
Here's the box he wanted.

INT. LBHS, GYM, NIGHT

GUS is chatting with a WOMAN by the buffet table.

WOMAN:
You know, I thought you would've become, like, a doctor or something like that.

GUS:
Well, what I do is pretty fascinating.

WOMAN:
Really? How so?

GUS:
Well, with my specialty, which is mucus reducers, I use a mixture of... (realizes he’s losing audience) Did I also tell you that I have a side psychic detective business that I started with my buddy?

WOMAN:
Really?

GUS:
Yeah. And I may or may not have tracked down a counterfeiter, unveiled a nanny ring, saved the show American Duos, stuff like that.

WOMAN:
That was you? I remember that.

GUS:
So, I'm kind of working on a case right now. (shushes)

WOMAN:
Really? God, that's hot.

On the other side of the dance floor, HENRY and MADDIE enter the gym. SHAWN pushes his way through the dancers over to them.

SHAWN:
Hi! What are you guys doing here?

HENRY:
Whoa! Slow down. We brought you the box you were bitching about.

SHAWN:
No. No, no, Dad. I asked you to locate the box so that I could come pick it up from you, not to drag mom down to my high school reunion.

MADDIE:
Lighten up, honey. What are you so worried about? It's not like I'm gonna pull out a Kleenex, wet it, and then wipe the corners of your mouth.

HENRY laughs.

MADDIE:
Look, it's Gus. I have to say hello. (walks away)

SHAWN:
(bounces on his feet) No, Mom! There aren't really any other parents here. (turns to HENRY) Awesome. What exactly are you up to?

HENRY:
All right, look, Shawn, I went to this school too, so it was my school long before it was yours.

SHAWN:
Okay, fine. You win "Oldest Student Here" award. Now will you please leave? I'm sure the nondescript blazer rental place is about to close.

MINDY bumps into LASSITER who is clutching her purse to his chest.

MINDY:
Hey, hey, cutie patootie!

LASSITER:
Look, seriously, my name is Carlton, okay? How hard is that to remember? Carl-ton.

MINDY:
Yeah, I know your name, silly. I just think a better name for you is Cutie Patootie, you know, because you have such a cutie patootie. (gooses him)

LASSITER:
Hey, there! Exactly how much of that punch have you had?

MINDY:
Just enough to realize, you know, that I might've been a little short with you before and I'm very sorry. Can you forgive me? Hmm? (tickles)

LASSITER:
(giggles) Maybe.

MINDY:
Yeah? Yeah? Good, 'cause I... I have just one teensy weensy little tiny favor to ask of you.

LASSITER:
What's that?

MINDY:
I need you to make a move on Eldon's wife, Stephanie, 'cause I want that painted whore out of the picture. Okay? Can you do that for me?

LASSITER:
(appalled) No, I cannot do that for you.

MINDY:
Fine. You suck! (walks away)

LASSITER:
What? Hey, your purse! (the purse tips and items fall to the floor) Crap. Oh, great. (picks up prescription bottles) Well, that figures.

SHAWN takes the box and sets it on a table over in a corner. GUS follows. SHAWN digs around in the box and pulls out a large ring of keys.

GUS:
What are those?

SHAWN:
Just a copy of every key in the school. By the end of senior year, I managed to become a member of the Trans-American Western Custodial Union, Local 456. (puts the lid back on the box) Don't hold me to this, but I believe I still have voting privileges.

INT. LBHS, ENTRANCE HALL, NIGHT

HENRY and MADDIE exit the gym.

HENRY:
It's been 35 years since I've wandered these halls. I think I'm gonna take a look around. You wanna join me?

MADDIE:
That depends. Do you have a hall pass?

HENRY:
You kidding? I used to own these halls.

INT. LBHS, GYM, NIGHT

SHAWN walks over to ABIGAIL holding two cups of punch.

ABIGAIL:
Did you bring me a glass of punch as some sort of 13-year peace offering?

SHAWN:
Oh, no. Sorry, these are both for me, actually. (drinks one) I can grab you one though if you'd like.

ABIGAIL:
No.

SHAWN:
I do have a question for you though. Assuming that Parker Stevenson had never been born… (pulls out the keys) Have you ever seen a very attractive man solve a crime before?

ABIGAIL:
I did see John Cusack prevent a jaywalking once.

EXT. LBHS, ROOF, NIGHT

SHAWN and ABIGAIL walk out onto the rooftop. SHAWN takes deep breaths before stopping.

SHAWN:
This is good. Yeah. Just, give me a minute. I'm gonna have to do my thing, okay? You might want to steady or brace yourself.

ABIGAIL:
Why, what's going to happen?

SHAWN:
Well, I can't really say with any degree of accuracy, but I can tell you that some animals, slow adults, and beautiful girls have been known to swoon.

ABIGAIL:
You just called me slow.

SHAWN:
Excuse me.

SHAWN dances 80s style around the roof, at one point crashing into a large vent.

ABIGAIL:
Are you okay?

SHAWN starts dancing again and ABIGAIL smiles.

SHAWN:
I'm a slave to it.

SHAWN dances up to ABIGAIL as she laughs. He holds his hands up on either side of her face, shushing her.

SHAWN:
Wait for it. (strokes his hands down her face his thumbs pinching her nose) Wait for it…

ABIGAIL snorts with laughter.

SHAWN:
Don't do that. Don't mock the spirit.

She laughs and SHAWN shushes her again.

SHAWN:
It's beneath you.

SHAWN removes his hands and breathes deep.

SHAWN:
Have you ever wondered why you haven't been married yet?

ABIGAIL:
I don't have to wonder. I know why.

SHAWN:
Well, why?

ABIGAIL:
I will get married someday. (sniffs) I just haven't met him yet.

SHAWN:
You don't think?

ABIGAIL:
What about you?

SHAWN:
What about me? Abigail, lots of strapping, brilliant-type guys never got married. Ludwig van Beethoven. Sir Isaac Newton, right? Doing his thing. Jon Lovitz… Jon Lovitz's brother…

SHAWN and ABIGAIL start leaning in closer to each other.

ABIGAIL:
Jon Lovitz has a brother?

SHAWN:
Does it really matter?

Just as their lips are about to touch, SHAWN sees a distinctive footprint in the dirt on the roof and knows it is from HOWIE’S boots.

SHAWN:
(pulls away from ABIGAIL) I just figured it out.

ABIGAIL:
What? Why you never got married?

SHAWN:
No, I know who our murderers are.

INT. LBHS, GYM, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS are watching HOWIE and EILEEN across the gym.

GUS:
So, wait, now you are saying that Howie and Eileen are the killers?

SHAWN:
Yep.

GUS:
Wasn't Howie the victim at one point?

SHAWN:
Gus, that is so 40 minutes ago. I bet you're still telling your friends to "chillax."

GUS:
Shawn, why would two people who just killed someone be so casual, smiling, dancing?

SHAWN:
I agree. It is both surreal and disturbing to watch two murderers do the cabbage patch. That's the point, Gus. They're trying to look as casual as possible. But I'm not fooled. The question is why are they sticking around?

INT. LBHS, LIBRARY, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS search yearbooks.

SHAWN:
We’re looking for info on our beloved couple. Anything that might say "future killers."

GUS:
What does that word even mean anyway? Greatness. It's like they purposely set you up for failure. I mean, what have I done in my life that anyone would say was great?

SHAWN:
Dude, the perfect cocoa roundness of your head alone makes you great.

GUS:
That's easy for you to say, Shawn. No one had any expectations you would amount to greatness.

SHAWN:
Gus, don't be an incorrigible Eskimo Pie with a caramel ribbon. It doesn't matter what these people think of you, but, and I put this out there as a challenge to you, you really want to show 'em you've lived up to your potential? Help me solve this case, please. Come on! How many of our classmates are out there solving a murder tonight? Huh? A handful, maybe? You could be one of them.

SHAWN continues to flip through an open yearbook. He keeps spotting the same student in the background of pictures with HOWIE and EILEEN as the main focus. In one, he has a letterman jacket.

SHAWN:
Duckie.

GUS:
What?

SHAWN:
Dude! We've been looking in the wrong John Hughes movie. This isn't Breakfast Club, or Curly Sue or Mr. Mom. And it certainly isn't Flubber.

GUS:
Why are you hatin' on Flubber?

SHAWN:
I would never hate on Flubber.

GUS:
I'm not following.

SHAWN:
What do all the best John Hughes movies have in common? A love triangle. There's always a Duckie. (points at the guy in the picture) Do you recognize that guy?

GUS:
Vaguely. I don't know his name though. Check the grad pics.

They both flip through the pages.

SHAWN:
He didn't show up. 17 no-shows. He's one of them. The question is which one. Duckie, where are you?

GUS:
Is this the same guy? (points to a picture of the same man in auto shop)

SHAWN:
Good work, Gus. This is good. (remembers the lock on the trophy case) I think I just figured something out. I gotta make a quick stop. Are we back in business, partner? Milo and Otis. (holds out his fist)

GUS:
I get to be Otis?

SHAWN:
That's a given.

GUS:
Okay. (bumps SHAWN’S fist and stands) But look, I have to get back to the gym and make sure all the ballots are in or we won't have a reunion king and queen. Meet you there?

SHAWN:
Yeah. Or we could meet back here and give each other makeovers to Karla DeVito's We Are Not Alone. It's your choice.

INT. LBHS, HALL, NIGHT

SHAWN is outside Auto Shop going through his ring of keys to find the right one. He goes to unlock it and it creaks open. He steps inside.

INT. LBHS, AUTO SHOP, NIGHT

SHAWN switches on the lights and looks around. In one of the partial cars, HENRY is sitting behind the wheel.

SHAWN:
Dad? What are you doing here? (walks over to the car) How did... How did you even get in here?

HENRY:
Place was open. (reaches across and opens door) Your mom and I were just looking around. She's in the bathroom.

SHAWN:
(gets in the car) So what, you just... You just thought it was a normal thing so sit here in the dark?

HENRY:
Shawn, I used to fix up cars in this very place when I was in high school. I actually dropped the tranny out of a '57 Chevy just like this one, practically rebuilt the thing from scratch. When that thing was done, baby, I tell you, it purred.

SHAWN:
Now I feel awful.

HENRY:
Why?

SHAWN:
Mom. She's still in the bathroom. She missed that entire story.

HENRY:
Shawn, it's not my fault that you never cared about anything in high school.

SHAWN:
Yeah, well, as it turns out, it seems I did care about something. I guess it doesn't matter much anymore.

HENRY nods his head, telling SHAWN to explain.

SHAWN:
Dad, do you think you can miss out on a moment?

HENRY:
What do you mean?

SHAWN:
Like an opportunity. You think you could miss an opportunity in a moment, you know, and then it's too late, and the course of your life is changed forever?

HENRY:
Yeah. Absolutely. Wait a minute. Is this about a girl?

SHAWN:
Maybe.

HENRY:
Life is not made up of a single moment. It's made up of a gazillion moments. What defines us is the choice we make in the next moment, and the one after that. These moments, Shawn, they're happening. (continuously snaps fingers) They're all around us, all the time.

SHAWN leans backwards and sees a crushed beer can on the floor.

HENRY:
You're having one right now.

SHAWN:
I just keep wondering, like, what if I'd made a different choice, you know, like, on a particular night, in one of these moments, who would I be now?

HENRY:
Well, I suspect that you wouldn't be you. (pats SHAWN on the back)

SHAWN sees the same photo from the yearbook on the wall. His name is written in the bottom corner: Peter Colter.

SHAWN:
Good talk, Dad. I gotta run. (opens the door but turns back) Actually, there is one more thing. Do you think I could borrow your underpants? Just for, like, ten minutes.

HENRY shakes his head and raises his hands in disbelief.

SHAWN:
Oh, come on! We're already in the car! These are... These are iconic film references I'm making tonight. (leaves)

INT. SBPD, BULLPEN, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS watch as JULIET searches the police database. SHAWN is sitting is LASSITER’S chair playing with a small ornament from JULIET’S desk.

SHAWN:
His name is Peter Colter, Class of '95.

GUS:
Can we hurry this up? I'm due back in the gym to make my presentation.

JULIET:
If Chief Vick knew I was running names for you guys, I'd lose my ass.

SHAWN:
We definitely don't want that to happen.

JULIET:
Oh, wait! I have something. (sits)

SHAWN:
What is it?

JULIET:
(prints hard copy) Well, it's not criminal, but it's an accident report. There was an accident on June 6th, 1995.

GUS:
That was three days before graduation.

JULIET:
Peter Colter was the driver. Alcohol was involved.
He hit another vehicle head-on. A man was thrown from the car 20 feet, he was rushed to the hospital, survived in a coma for seven months and eventually died from internal injuries. Peter Colter was then charged with involuntary manslaughter and received six years’ probation. But there were two other passengers in the car with him.

SHAWN:
Let me guess. Howie Tolkin and Eileen Mazwell?

JULIET:
Yeah, how'd you know that?

SHAWN:
Because I've seen Pretty in Pink, like, 75 times. (reaches over for the report)

JULIET:
Wait, wait, and here's something else. Well, it's small, but some petty theft that was out of state, shoplifting in Fallon, Nevada, which leads me to a restraining order. It was placed one month ago by Eileen Mazwell on Peter Colter.

SHAWN studies the photos from the accident. HOWIE seems to have the beginnings of a bruise on his forehead. The driver’s seat had been moved back on its track.

GUS:
For what?

JULIET:
Harassment.

SHAWN:
(puts a hand to his head and stands) Peter wasn't driving the car that night. It was Howie.

JULIET stands.

GUS:
What? And he took the rap for the accident? Why?

SHAWN:
A moment and a choice, Gus. Look, Howie and Eileen killed Peter. I know it all now.

JULIET:
But no body, no crime.

SHAWN:
Seriously, Jules? That has to be on a poster around here somewhere. (looks around)

JULIET:
It's just something we say.

GUS:
Wait, so we know who the killers are and we know who they killed, but we don't have a body? Where is it?

SHAWN:
Well, if I was just some average guy without any super powers, I'd say, “I don't know. Why are you asking me?” But as head psychic of the Santa Barbara Police Department, I'd say “I don't know, why are you asking me?”

GUS:
Shawn?

SHAWN:
It's still hidden somewhere at that school!

VICK walks over to them, checking her watch. JULIET angles the computer screen so VICK can’t see what they were doing. SHAWN crosses his legs and tries to look anywhere but at JULIET. GUS just turns his back.

VICK:
O'Hara, what are you doing here this late? I thought you were off tonight.

JULIET:
Yeah, you know, I was out. Stopped back by. I, you know, forgot my, Chapstick, which I now have. Yay! (uses the lip balm)

VICK:
Where were you at? Your prom?

JULIET:
Why would you say that?

VICK:
Because you're wearing a prom dress. And are you two on a case?

SHAWN:
Chief.

VICK:
Because I don't remember assigning you one. (to JULIET) What are you looking at?

LASSITER arrives.

LASSITER:
She was helping me. I just made a bust.

VICK:
And who is that?

LASSITER:
(looks over to where MINDY is getting fingerprinted) That is a real schizoid. Elizabeth Reba Davis, a.k.a. Mindy Howland, who has been filling false prescriptions under fake names since '96.

VICK:
I see. Well, good work, people. (starts to walk away) Oh, and by the way, whatever it is you're really working on, you're not being paid for this. (leaves)

JULIET:
Thank you for that, Lassiter.

LASSITER:
Yeah, sweet. Look, if you don't mind, I'm gonna get back to this. I don't want to miss the mug shots. I'm having fun. It's the best date I've been on in a long time. (leaves)

EXT. LELAND BOSSEIGH HIGH SCHOOL, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS are once more at the site where COLTER’S body fell.

SHAWN:
He landed here. We know that.

GUS:
There's no other entrance they could've gotten into unless they dragged the body 200 yards all the way back to the gym.

SHAWN:
Right. (tilts head) Wait a minute.

SHAWN and GUS walk around the corner of the building and see windows at ground level.

SHAWN:
That is the girls' locker room. (pulls out Swiss Army knife and sets to work on the lock)

GUS:
Oh, now that he remembers. How would they even get a body down there anyway? That's like a 13-foot drop.

SHAWN:
(stands and puts knife away) There's only one way to find out, partner. I'm gonna ease you down, and I'll be right behind you.

GUS:
You must be out of your damn mind, Shawn. I'm not going down there first!

SHAWN:
Are you kidding me? You're gonna do this to me now after I've laid all the ground work? Now will you just get down there?

INT. LBHS, GIRLS’ LOCKER ROOM, NIGHT

GUS is hanging from the sill. SHAWN is looking through the open window.

GUS:
I don't want to do it. Help me back up.

SHAWN:
What do you mean? You're in.

GUS:
Help me up, Shawn!

SHAWN:
All right.

SHAWN licks the palms of both hands before holding them out to help GUS. Rather than get SHAWN’S germs, GUS lets go and drops to the floor.

GUS:
(stands and looks towards the window) Okay. Now you, Shawn. Shawn?

GUS turns around to find SHAWN standing right there.

SHAWN:
Dude, I am so sorry. (holds up the keys) I didn't realize I had the keys all along.

GUS:
Let's just get to it.

SHAWN:
Okay, indeed. Let's find us a body. But first, let's both of us take a private moment to pay homage to all of the wonderful things that have occurred here over the years.

They hear a door open and duck into the shower stalls. A man and a woman pass. SHAWN and GUS peer over the top of the stall doors.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Dude, it's Howie and Eileen. That's why they haven't left the reunion. They stashed the body, but now they've got to move it.

GUS:
(whispers) Yeah, but where is it?

They exit the stalls and one of the doors bangs behind them. SHAWN and GUS duck down behind some lockers.

EILEEN:
Did you hear that?

HOWIE:
I think there's somebody in here with us.

EILEEN:
I think it came from the stalls.

HOWIE and EILEEN walk back to the stalls. SHAWN and GUS are hiding in the alcove right behind them. They crawl backwards and into a supply closet.

INT. LBHS, GIRLS’ SUPPLY CLOSET, NIGHT

SHAWN and GUS duck down where they can’t be seen from the window in the door. HOWIE slams his hand against the window and peers inside and SHAWN and GUS cower in the corner.

HOWIE:
Nobody's there. Check the lockers. (walks away)

SHAWN looks across the room and points to the school mascot costume sitting propped against the wall. They make their way over and kneel in front of it.

SHAWN:
(whispers) Do you have a stick or a small leaf?

GUS:
(whispers) Why would I have a stick?

SHAWN pokes the head between the eyes. GUS pokes it on one side and SHAWN pokes it on the other. They then lift the head off to reveal Peter Colter’s body. GUS gives a strangled scream and SHAWN covers GUS’ mouth. GUS squeals until he runs out of air. SHAWN takes his hand away.

SHAWN:
(whispers) We gotta get this body to Lassiter if I'm gonna accuse them of the crime.

GUS:
(whispers) Why don't we bring Lassiter down here?

SHAWN:
(whispers) Yeah, we come back and the body's gone again? Come on!

GUS:
(whispers) If Tolkin finds us, he's gonna strangle us! He strangles people, Shawn!

SHAWN:
(whispers) Head or feet?

GUS makes a face and SHAWN challenges him with a look.

INT. LBHS, HALL, NIGHT

A couple of women are chatting by the lockers as SHAWN and GUS hurry past carrying Colter’s body in the mascot costume. GUS has the feet. SHAWN backtracks to talk to the women.

SHAWN:
Shawn. (shakes hands with one of the women) Shawn Spencer. Were you girls able to get some punch?

GUS yanks him away and they continue down the hall.

INT. LBHS, GYM, NIGHT

Everyone is watching the slideshow GUS prepared. HENRY and MADDIE are also there.

HENRY:
What are you doing tomorrow?

MADDIE:
Flying to San Francisco for work. You know I'm just here for a little while.

HENRY:
Yeah, of course. I, just, I... Actually, I thought you might want to see my elementary school.

MADDIE:
You did?

HENRY:
Yeah, sure, this is... This is only half the picture.

The slideshow ends and GUS is on the stage putting on his jacket. SHAWN is behind him holding the crowns.

GUS:
Yeah! That was fun, right?

HOWIE and EILEEN hurry into the gym at the back.

GUS:
So it is now time to announce the reunion prom queen and king! Howie Tolkin!

GUS points to HOWIE and the spotlight finds him. The crowd applauds. HOWIE freezes, eyes wide.

GUS:
And his real life bride, Eileen Mazwell!

HOWIE and EILEEN try to leave.

GUS:
Where you going? Howie! Eileen! Come up here!

Realizing there is no way out, HOWIE and EILEEN make their way to the stage.

GUS:
This is exciting! (takes the crowns from SHAWN)

EILEEN and HOWIE arrive and GUS hands them the crowns.

GUS:
Congratulations.

SHAWN:
Looks like history has repeated itself.

HOWIE and EILEEN put on their crowns and sit in the thrones.

SHAWN:
Those crowns sure are heavy.

GUS:
Yes, they are.

LASSITER and JULIET arrive at the gym.

SHAWN:
Heavy with lies. You see, my fellow alumni, one of your classmates was murdered here tonight. His name was Peter Colter. Smart kid, he was a wiz at fixing cars. He was also the water boy for the football team. The reason you probably don't remember him very well is because he lived in their shadow. He worshipped them, do anything for them, including taking a rap for a tragic car accident that was actually caused by Howie. (walks around to the back of the thrones) And you let him do it because you didn't want to lose your precious scholarship. Poor Peter's life was stuck in that moment, and he never recovered. That's why he didn't show up to take his yearbook photo and that's why he moved away and ended up committing petty crimes. Meanwhile, the two of you moved on to UCLA. You married your prom queen. Probably never gave your old friend peter another thought. That is, until about a month ago. Isn't that right, Eileen? See, it's no coincidence that the restraining order that you filed against Peter just happened to coincide with Howie here announcing his candidacy in the State Assembly. Peter couldn't take it anymore. He needed the truth to come out, so he contacted you. You two did everything you could to prevent him from coming here tonight, but he came anyway. He wore his letterman's jacket with his special State Championship pin, still stuck in that one moment. [we see Peter wandering the halls and drinking a beer in auto shop] He visited all his old haunts, made a stop at the auto shop. [Peter trashes the trophy case] He got a little upset when he saw the trophy shrine built to celebrate you. Finally, he confronted you both on the roof, drunk and upset. [they argue and HOWIE pushes Peter from the roof] But you couldn't let him uncover the truth. There was way too much to lose, so you gave him one final push, silenced him once and for all.

Officers take position on the floor as LASSITER and JULIET go up on stage.

LASSITER:
Three arrests in one night. Not bad. (to SHAWN) Please tell me you have a body.

SHAWN:
It's the furry sabercat backstage.

LASSITER:
Great.

LASSITER and JULIET walk over to the thrones and LASSITER gives JULIET a set of handcuffs and the two arrest HOWIE and EILEEN.

SHAWN:
Homicide Howie, ladies and gentlemen.

SHAWN and GUS applaud as HOWIE and EILEEN are taken away by the officers. LASSITER and JULIET go back into the audience.

SHAWN:
And now I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank someone who's not only responsible for planning all of this tonight, complete with a Rastafarian theme that you all embraced so heartily, but who is also the mastermind behind the solving of tonight's crime. I know, it's true, I'm the psychic, but, often times my revelations are nothing but a cryptic mess. Tonight, for instance, all I could see were scenes from Pretty in Pink, a giant rhombus in a t-shirt that read "Soccer Moms are Easy." Now I don't know what these things mean, but Gus is somehow able to shape them into cold hard evidential facts. But that is not what makes him great. No, sir. Burton Guster has been my best friend since we were five. And maybe, just maybe, if any of you can look yourselves in the mirror and know that you've been half as good a friend to someone else as Gus has been to me, well, you too can be considered great. Give it up, for my best friend, Burton Guster.

The crowd applauds as GUS comes forward to the microphone.

MADDIE:
Oh, Henry, we must've done something right.

HENRY:
That was all you.

MADDIE:
You know that's not true.

SHAWN finds ABIGAIL on the dance floor and taps her on the shoulder. She turns around and smiles.

ABIGAIL:
I must say that was quite impressive. If you're that good of a detective, I can only imagine what sort of midwife you made.

SHAWN:
Okay, this is 13 years overdue, but here goes. I know that you think that I didn't show up the night I was supposed to meet you at the carnival, but the truth is I did. You were standing at the end of the pier. You were wearing a blue, thin-striped baby doll dress, Doc Marten sandals, black. You had a row of red butterfly clips in your hair, short jean jacket and the right pocket was ripped because you always used to shove your fist in there when you got nervous. You were pacing back and forth that night. You waited around almost an hour before you walked away. These are our tickets to the carnival. I saved them. I was so nervous, I choked. And you know what? That hardly ever happens to me. But the truth is, Abigail, I think I liked you too much. And somewhere in the back of my head, I knew what that night would mean and even how my life could be different now if I hadn't let you walk away. But this is a different moment, and it's a chance to make a different choice. And you're really amazing, and I know we can't go back in time, but I do wish that there was some way back...

ABIGAIL grabs SHAWN and kisses him passionately. The kiss ends and SHAWN picks up where he left off.

SHAWN:
So I'll just keep thinking, and if there's anything that comes to mind, I'll let you know. That was really nice.

ABIGAIL:
Pretty much perfect.

SHAWN:
Yeah. (sighs as he looks across the room to see JULIET) Pretty much perfect… So where do we go from here?

ABIGAIL:
I don't know.

SHAWN:
Maybe this is what closure feels like?

ABIGAIL:
Maybe. I guess I'll see you at the 20-year reunion.

SHAWN:
Yeah, uh... Well, knowing Gus it'll probably be our 23rd. But I’ll see you there.

ABIGAIL:
Yeah.

SHAWN:
Sure.

ABIGAIL:
Okay. Bye, Shawn. (puts a hand on his shoulder before leaving)

MONTAGE

Over a montage of the evening, GUS has a voice-over.

GUS:
Dear Leland Bosseigh High Administrative Board. We accept that you are withholding our deposit of $1,500 for damages. We also accept that you just see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. A snarky psychic, an uptight pharmaceuticals salesman, a pretty female blonde detective, and a not so pretty, unusually lanky detective. But each of us is all of those things. Plus our normal fee for solving a murder in one meaningful evening is twice that. So enclosed is a bill for $3,000.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD, DAY

SHAWN and GUS are strolling along the field towards the goalpost. SHAWN is dressed like Judd Nelson in “The Breakfast Club”. GUS’ voice-over continues.

GUS:
Please remit payment in the form of a check made out simply to "Psych."

Comments

[meridian_rose]

Yay! I always bookmark for future reference :)

[jpgr.livejournal.com]

Glad to be of assistance!